It has been almost 5 months now since D-day and my WS is still involved with OW but I think a tiny bit of the fog is lifting. Even though he sees some reality, he can't let go of the fun and games yet. I have pressed him to move out cause I cannot sit and watch his affection and attention be with OW any longer. I have to heal and want my life back. I have had enough and I do not want to work on the marriage anymore right now. I have lost all desire cause there is no effort on my WS part. He is having trouble finding a place cause he is a paraplegic and most apartments are not accessible. This is putting so much strain on everything.<P>To keep my sanity, I have composed and keep composing a letter to OW. I NEED to confront her for MY continued healing. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.<BR>Here it is:<P>OW,<P>I need to take this opportunity to give you a glimpse of what you are a part of. I do this only because I need to express myself and to continue healing from the excruciating pain of your inappropriate relationship with my husband.<P>When I discovered your involvement with my husband, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that he gave away something that only belongs to me and that you stole something that is mine. The pain was unbearable for months. The pain is bearable now and I see it for what it is. It is staggering to come to grips with all your hopes and dreams being ripped right out from under you. I hope this never happens to you. But be realistic, your choice of men seems to be on a rather dangerous course. Married men are not the best option going for a stable, long-lasting relationship cause they bring into a new relationship lies and deceit not to mention guilt and regret. <P>Another thing you are a part of is contributing to the shattered, confused feelings of close family members and friends. Do you know that (S) has not talked to his Dad in over 4 months? How would you feel if your Dad did something that created major emotional conflict in you? While (WS) continues in this state of confusion, he is shoving aside major life needs. He is cutting off his whole support system, alienating and putting a huge strain on his relationship with his sons, compromising his financial security not to mention turning his back on the only one who has ever truly loved him. (My love is not perfect but it has been true, committed love). THIS IS A HUGE VOID TO FILL----I HOPE YOU ARE UP TO THE CHALLENGE.<P>I guess you are wondering at this point “Why is she telling me all this----who cares”. Just remember, all this pain and devastation is now a part of (WS), too, in addition to what is all ready there. The affect it will have on his future (and yours) will only be seen as time goes on. If the sorrow and heartache of his 32-year-old family do not effect him, I would question his emotional stability.<P>I do not totally blame you for what has happened. I know (WS) is a grown man and he is solely responsible for his own actions. Although I am angry with you, I will continue to pray for you and forgive you.<P>(W)<P><BR>

TW,<P>I liked the letter, but you have to remember my state of mind (very anti OW). While you did state it in a direct yet non-threatening way. <P>Do you really think it will be taken in the spirit sent? Do you think the OW will agree with you or is she lower than dirt in how she feels about you? <P>Some OWs thrive on BS bashing. If she is one of those, your good intentions is like spitting in the wind. I know mine were. A total waste. <P>How about writing the letter then either trashing it or keeping in a safe place?<P>Hope you get better critiquing here. Don't rely on my opinion at the moment, I liked it too much. LOL!<P>L.<BR>

I STILL have copies of two letters I wrote to OW, but I never sent them. My H had apparently cut all ties with her so I felt I didn't have too.<P>In light of the recent discovery of renewed contact, albeit occasional and just "friendly" (or so I'm told) I instinctively dashed off a fairly curt and to the point email to her - which I have not sent, but read through once in a while. I feel almost "cleansed" afterwards.<P>I like your letter too. You are closest to your situation and will know in your gut whether or not to send it. I knew if I had sent her a letter, my H would not have appreciated it and it would have set us back. HOWEVER, I am prepared to send my email should she contact him again because at some point enough is enough.<P>I apologize for not being more helpful.

<B>anyone want to critique my letter?</B><BR>My critique? Don’t send it.<P><B>I NEED to confront her for MY continued healing.</B><BR>How will it help you heal when it will simply cause so much more grief for you in the reply you will get directly from her or through your husband. She will say anything SIMPLY to get you riled up. And it will work.<P>The ow/letter is NOT worth your time. Be more dignified that her.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Dear tossedwave,<P>Welllll, if her conscience has not bothered her up to this point, I really don't think receiving a letter from you is going to make any difference to her.<P>She'll probably go over it together with your H and somehow get him on her side? Just a wild stab in the dark guess? What do I know? But just seeing how they are so bold to continue the A right underneath your nose, it's obvious that OW could care less about your feelings.<P>I agree that it would be like talking to a brick wall. If she had any scruples to begin with, she would not have even gotten involved with your husband in the first place! If she cannot recognize the incredible boundaries that she has already crossed over, then I cannot imagine her being in a frame of mind to empathize re: the devastation she has caused.<P>Both of those guys are in an incredibly selfish state of mind right now so I tend to think it would be a waste of your time trying to reach out to OW personally. Maybe you could keep it in your files and just remind yourself that forgiveness is more for YOUR healing, not for theirs... They have to wake up, and feel remorse before they can ever be sorry for their acts.<P>Consider yourself hugged. I'm so sorry you are in pain.

I want to do this for myself. I really feel healthy confrontation is good for the soul.....Just like when an abused child later in life confronts the abuser. It does not change anything or make the abuser sorry or repentant but it cleanses the soul....the abused's soul. I spent most of my life taking things lying down....never expressing myself and now I am learning to express my feelings in a right way. This is an expression of who I am and what matters to me. <P>I am thinking this through and am thankful for the feedback. I will not be hasty.

tossedwave,<P>I can relate to why you want to do this and I am going to give you my view on this. I sort of agree with how Alberta put it, if there's anewed contact maybe it's time to say enough is enough. In your case it seems they might still be in contact.<P>In my case I did confront OW, in person! I did it for me and me only. The trigger to really go through with it was a selfish and idiotic mail sent from her to my P. Then I decided enough was enough. I had been thinking about what to say for some time should I make the decision to confront her. My objectives was mainly two: first of all to stand up for myself and let her know I do not accept being treated this way (she has a responsibility as a fellow human being), it was a statement and I am trying to use this as a turning point. Secondly, by going to her home I made a very concrete statement of how it feels to be invaded in once private life by someone not invited! I do think that OP's and WS's do not demonstrate a lot of conscience partly because it is easier to "forget" about someone who's not present or silent. If you appear it will all be concrete and real and it's not as easy to hide or suppress the guilt for them. I felt cleansed and am glad I did it. I was supported by my friends (the few I confided in), my family members and our councelor. My P first reaction to it was that it was stupid as it might stir things up (the confrontation was about 5 month post D day) but things were already messed up because of her immature behavior at this point. My P is a conflict avoider and I think much of his first reactions came from this fact.<P>A word of warning though, a few people here states they consider a confrontation to be a LB but my personal opinion is that it can only be an LB if the WS still has feelings for the OP (is that so in your case, you think?), or they would be able to appreciate a partner that speaks up for themselves, I think the danger is if the WS somehow might feel controlled or manipulated by this action. <P>So, a conclusion is, I am glad I did it but I do think this needs to be considered very carefully, the timing must be "right" and it's a good thing if you can anticipate some support from H afterwards.<P>Take your time to think this through!! Good luck!<P>-she-<P><BR>

Thanks everybody---I will think this through. I do not want to hurt her as she has hurt me but I do want her to see some of my hurt. Sad thing is that she is so young and I think he is just using her as a toy. She is madly in love with him, I bet, and he keeps saying "that things will not work out with them" but he seems to want to go over her house and "Play" and keep her on the side....they act like 15 yr olds and that is exactly where some of his emotional hang ups are. He only wants to play.....and now mid life is in full bloom so he wants to feel young. How does this ever possibly get workable. I am loosing respect for him which his drinking pretty much caused me to loose respect frequently. I almost feel like I want to warn her that she is being used......egads, what is wrong with me. Why do I care....<P>She, you really gave me something to think about....he does still have feelings for her but I, too, want to see her face to face and invade her psyche with reality. Thank God, I am not impulsive but I hope I can confront her in some way, some day. I have wanted to for over a month. I will tuly ponder the controlled and manupilated theory. Thanks for your input!!!!<BR>TW<P>

I know this probably won't be much help..but I guess something that you could do..I am not usually for contacting<BR>OP only because I don't see what it will accomplish..(I was the WS) and it only makes a person look more controlling..<P>but..if you'd like to open her eyes to the reality of living w/ a paraplegic then do that..explain to her in all honesty how much time it takes to care for a person such as this..and how she won't have much time for a social life <BR>as he gets older..maybe gather up some pamplets that explain the realities of the situation in that area..and then maybe ask her if she's really ready to give up her life the rest of her life to this..tell her to think LONG and hard on this..and don't make any rash decisions...because this is one that will last a life time..I'm sure she hasn't even really seriously considered what a long term commitment THAT in itself would take..it's one thing to be married to someone who can tend to themselves and to think in terms of a "lifetime" with that person, that in itself is a scary thought.....but I think it would be even scarier to think of that lifetime..with someone who is handicapped..and one that you she would have to take care of all of the time at some point..<P>I am sure that you have struggled many years in just that area alone..and I commend you for it..I honestly don't think that I could do it..it takes a lot of love and courage to stand strong like that..and take care of children also..WOW!!

same topic being discussed here as well:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004332.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004332.html</A>

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:59 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Hi TW, Since there is still evidence of contact between your H and the OW, I would recommend you keep the letter to yourself for now. I truly believe that maintaining outward stability and a little mystery is better than approaching the OW. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know how badly you're hurting or she'll think she's won. Hold your head up high! <P>

I am losing my desire to contact OW...thanks everyone for helping me sort through this. Those feelings I wrote down are so uppermost in my heart and mind right now. It was so good to get them out. <P>Now I feel like I want to give the note to WS and tell him this is what I would love to say to OW. <P>I still feel the need to confront and stand up for myself. I am struggling with loosing respect for myself.<P>Also feelings of being so undesireable are plaguing me right now. <P>I think the uncertainty of everything is so heavy. WS cannot find a place to move to (he is disabled) and does not want to move so I go back and forth with should I just live with this and see if it dies or should I stand up for my sanity and move forward. Dilemna----WS is being so nice and kind acting like he really cares about my feelings. He is remorseful but not repentent. <P>My friend said yesterday that separation is the first BIG step to overcome when going through this and once he leaves, maybe going his way with her will be easy.....THEN I ask myself---Do I really want to save the marriage. What for? He only wants to stay here cause of the comfort level it provides. He is not interested in any changes or self-awareness. I think he only wants to use her, too....like the rest of his toys that help him to play and escape. Boy does my mind wander or what? I guess when someone can't tell you what they feel and do not know what they feel, it complicates things. WS cannot verbalize his feelings at all and does everything he can to supress and hide from them....thanks to alcohol and other "drugs" that mask the problems.<BR>TW