My H wants me to "tell" people that it was a mutual separation. I quite calmly, said "No." My H says, "A year ago, you were telling me we're better off apart and now you're changing your story?" I responded, "A year ago, I was angry at many things. However, my anger did not mean that I thought you should go have an A..." He's again so angry because he doesn't want to explain to his family that it was his decision. I just can't pretend that this is what I want. I can let him ago but I can't lie about me.

Terrified, stick to your guns about this one. Don't be his enabler so that WH can keep his "good image" that he thinks he has. He was adult enough to make the choice, he can be adult enough to live and be HONEST about HIS choice.

I had a similar discussion with my wife. Somewhat similar.<P>She wanted to seperate, even before the affair. But when I agreed that it might be best, from then on I "was kicking her out." When I said "No, you wanted to leave, this is your deal," she'd just get mad and reitterate that I was kicking her out. Funny!<P>I am hoping it's guilt in knowing that she wanted to leave. Right now it doesn't matter if I kicked her out or she left. She's not here and I miss her.<P>SBT

In our case my H was staying out all night with OW some nights so I told him he needed to move out 'to think.' Thats what we told our 3 kids also. Of course right away he was claiming I kicked him out of our new home! We had agreed that he would stay in a hotel while he was thinking but of course that only lasted one night- he then called OW who let him stay in her empty condo and he told me and the kids he was staying with various friends. Really in the long run until they want to be accountable for their actions they will say you kicked them out. Thats the long and the short of it. It justifies their anger at you and prolongs their addiction to their affair. lifeismessy

Thanks for all your replies. It makes me feel better that I didn't agree (always so worried about LB's). At the same time, all this talk is still so horrible. It's doomsday fast approaching and I can't stand the feelings. LIM, when your H moved out to "think", how did your friends/family react?

My WH wanted to say exactly the same thing to our friends..."We've decided to separate". I simply kept on telling him that there was no 'we' about it, it was his decision to leave, not mine. Stand firm on this one - it's yet another one of the ways WS's try to justify things and try to blank out some of the guilt they feel. <P>hugs, Paint.

Thanks Paint. Good to hear from you. How is your situation?

Terrified- actually friends and neighbors were EXTRA suportive to me after H moved out of the house. It was quite hard to keep quiet about it as our 3 kids are friends with most of the neighbors- my kids range in age from teen down to 4 yr old so word got around fast that H had moved out.Oh my how the word spread fast! Many people called me to lend support which was so helpful since I have no relatives where we live. H refused to tell his own brother that he moved out so I had to call him and explain what was going on.( his parents are both dead) Believe it or not- as sad as I was to see H go it was a relief in some ways to not have to look at him when he so clearly didnt want me and wanted OW instead. THAT was painful.He did come over quite a bit to see the kids and shovel snow- he would ask me for permission to eat dinner here sometimes- I usually let him. I reminded him that this was still his home- that he was CHOOSING to stay out of it. Take care- lifeismessy

Dear LIM, Thanks for your reply. It's good to hear that family and friends were supportive because I fear so much everyone looking at me and thinking, "She wasn't good enough. She had to have done something to force him out." I feel like that now and only two people know. Was your H bitter after moving out? How long did it take for him to move back in on SOLID ground?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Terrified:<BR>[B]My H wants me to "tell" people that it was a mutual separation. I quite calmly, said "No." >><< He's again so angry because he doesn't want to explain to his family that it was his decision. I just can't pretend that this is what I want. I can let him ago but I can't lie about me. >>>><P>I think this is pretty typical. part of the fog is that the WS is scraping to avoid being seen as the bad guy and getting you to agree that it was mutual alleviates some of the guilt. My H pulled some to that when he announced he was moving out. "It will be a mutal separation" Huh, what? Mutual between you and the OW maybe, but no one asked me! I stuck to my guns. I made it clear from day one that I would contest a divorce, not let him weasel out with a 'mutual separation" and we would NOT be "friends" if we got divorced. He kept saying "You will always be my best friend and when we get divorced we will still be close." ROFL!!!!

Good to hear from you FD, what happened after he left and how long was your separation?

Hi Fairy Dust!<P>I think you're married to my H. Your separation story is mine to the T. <P>H has told everyone that will listen that our separation was mutual. Mutual my tush! And I got the same babble regarding the D, cept he said D is not final and our relationship will continue. I'm having the hardest time trying to get him to leave me alone. Any suggestions?<P>Jo

Well I wish I could tell you that H was truly wanting to reconcile when he moved back in after a month but really he moved back because OW's condo sold and she took a job transfer. ( she was mad because he wouldnt divorce me and was putting pressure on him) But instead he spent 2 more months on the couch not touching me and waffling- then had several talks with me about wanting a D then filed for D on me. THAT was when it finally sank into him what he was doing and he went to therapy with me to figure out how to get away from his addiction to OW. About your telling the neighbors and such- I was scared to also but if you do just remember YOU did nothing wrong and most people will support you although some will tell you kick H to the curb- dont listen to them! I spent alot of times at Starbucks, shopping and at Bible studies to feel better and stay away from those who wanted me to end my marriage before I had given it my all. lifeismessy

Yeah, ok, so that, to me, is a copout. He is trying to get out of the blame. But the truth is that you would be fully willing to take him back if he would be willing to be the husband you want and need. It is not mutual. It is his decision and he needs to be a man and support it. If he can't then maybe he isn't ready to separate.

About your question about was H bitter after moving out? No he was pleasant to me and the kids for the most part but it hurt me to have him come by alot to see the kids because he ignored me then- I finally had to put him on a schedule so he wouldnt come by every night. He did tell me though that he thinks I kicked him out!!!!! He would sometimes say things to provoke me into filing for D on him but that was due to guilt inside him and pressure from OW to divorce me. He didnt want the weight of it on his conscience so he wanted me to file on him. No way- told him I would never agree we had irreconcilable differences after 15 yrs of marriage and 3 kids together. We would have killed each other long before then if that were true! After he moved back home he was shocked at how many people knew about what he did but he said he did deserve it.I told him that naturally people talked since he was out of the house. He was reluctant to go back to church too for awhile- at first he sat in the upstairs balcony for awhile. lifeismessy