I understand that many of you are worried that it is just too soon and my H is not ready...<P>I do realize that, I do. And that is why I'm not accepting him back with open arms. He still needs to prove that he is willing to walk the walk towards our recovery. He's done alot, but as you all know, it's not enough. I do realize that, and I am being careful.<P>With that said, my decision to stop the seperation was based solely on the fact that I don't feel like I am in limbo anymore. I don't. My whole reason for filing in the first place was because I WAS DONE with limboland. If my H wasn't sure what he wanted, then I needed a seperation for ME. I would not live like that anymore...<P>My decision to seperate was NOT based on my H going down a list and doing all the things I thought I needed from him to prove himself to me. But, somehow, after I was out of limbo, I chose to try and use the seperation to get my H to do these things. I should have stopped the papers the moment I KNEW that my H was serious and that I wasn't in limbo anymore. But, I didn't. I chose to try and milk it for all it was worth, and once I realized what I was doing (oh it's easy to justify doing it), I had to put a stop to it. <P>I am learning so much from all of you. I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and I know many of you think I am making a mistake by not holding out longer...<P>But I can live with myself after I made this decision, no matter what happens from here, I have peace within. <P>I do not think I could be happy with myself if I was to go through with the seperation at this point (I would have 1 1/2 weeks ago when it all started, but that was THEN). NOW, I believe the things my H is telling me, and it no longer feels rights...<P>I know that is probably going to be my downfall, but I can't help it. I believe him. I tried very hard not to, but I do... <P>Feel free to give me your honest opinions. I can take it.<P>I wanted to try and end on a positive not again. Things I have seen that are positive from my H (aside from what I listed yesterday):<BR>-No contact with OW for 6 weeks<BR>-Joint counseling starts next week (have appt.)<BR>-He's been in counseling for about 5 weeks for his mood swings *big improvement*<BR>-We have had 2-3 very serious, in-depth, soul-to-soul talks<BR>-He is trying to meet the needs he thinks I want met (w/o actually doing the questionnaire, so it's futile - but I see him trying anyway)<BR>-We have made love (really made love, not sex)<BR>-He tells me when he is upset and he gets his feelings out, no longer hiding them inside...<BR>-We are going on our mini-vacation trip to VA tomorrow<BR>-H called to change his phone # today<P>I could also list all the bad things that many of you know about, but, I'm just focusing on the good today...<P>HbH

good for you HbH! Focusing on the good is going to make you feel better too.<P>Does your H know that you put a stop to the filing? What was his reaction to that?<P>I already know you'll do this: but please just be careful. Make sure that you're protected. And don't turn a blind eye....be ready to do what you need to protect yourself.<P>And keep on looking for the good things.<BR>Hope all goes well for you in VA.<P><BR>

Thank you Lexxy, that means alot.<P>He just found out last night (I asked him to read the email with me there).<P>He said he understood. I asked him how it made him feel, and he said that it makes him feel pressured. ??? He said he's happy, but he feels like he needs to prove it to me and fast. When questioned he said it was because if he didn't do it fast he thought that I would file again and he would lose his last chance...<P>I just dropped it cuz' it didn't quite make sense to me and I didn't know what to say...<P>I am trying to be careful. I know it could all blow up on me, especially given past history... <P>I am trying not to get too attached, trying not to believe the words, and trying to keep my distance until I see more actions, BUT, it is very difficult...<P>I can't wait until we start marriage counseling. I think it will make a huge difference because then my H can't twist my words around anymore... The guy we are going to is supposed to be really good.<P>AND, believe it or not, MY H actually called today to re-arrange our appointment (the original one I made conflicted with his class schedule - we didn't know his schedule when I made it). You have to realize that my H, NEVER calls these types of places, ESPECIALLY for counseling!! It was always my job, and just the thought of counseling was like taboo for him... for HIM to call, is very serious and means he IS going (not just along for the ride).<P>It's amazing...<P>HbH<BR>