According to the books, the posts, life in general, men almost always have SF as one of their top 5 En's. How come my H doesn't? I'm missing sex so badly. He says he hopes it will come back some day. I am the BS. Does this seems backwards to any of you? My self-esteem needs a boost and I think sex with my H will do that for me. Our sex life was always good (at least he always told me so). I've lost 54 pounds since his A came to light. I've grown my hair out (one of the things my H wanted), I now wear contacts and put on make-up every day. In short, I think I look better than I have in years. So why does my H look at the walls, the ceiling, the floor, everywhere but at me? Why DOESN't he want sex? He came home 2 months ago. Contact with OW supposedly ended 8/14. We had sex when he first came home. Now I'm lucky to get a good kiss. What do I do? I have tried to start things and I just get rejected...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Myownme:<BR><B>According to the books, the posts, life in general, men almost always have SF as one of their top 5 En's. How come my H doesn't? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe I can help you understand by letting you into my head for a moment. I am in the process of completing the ENQ and am having a tough time with the SN part of it. That aspect of my EN is definitely in the top 5, if not the top 2. <P>You said that H broke contact with OW less than a month ago. As a WS myself, with almost a week of no physical contact with OW, I can tell you it's very hard. At times the temptation is almost unbearable. <P>Did H send the no contact letter to OW?<P>My first inclination is to think that he's either still seeing OW and getting the sex fix, or he's now suffering deep feelings of guilt for what he has done, such that he cannot even relate to fulfilling his own SN, much less yours. <P>Read thru the thread I started last weekend when I stepped out of the fog. SF is big for me, as is with you. You might find it helpful to watch the progression of a WS finding his way with utter candor. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012200.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012200.html</A> <P><BR>In my most recent posts, I can relate to what it is your H might be going through. I hope this has helped you some. <P>You've done a wonderful thing by making yourself fit and attractive, don't let his apparent disinterest in sex whittle away at your self esteem. <P>Just a thought, was his A a PA? If so, have you ever asked him what existed in that PA which was missing from your marriage?<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 07, 2001).]

Bad Hubby,<BR>Thanks so much for your response. I truly think that contact has stopped. He's calling me in the a.m.'s before work (when he'd usually stop by) and at lunchtime (when he might be meeting her). Other than worktime, he's been home. The hard thing for me is that when he first came home (and a week prior to coming home, we spent 4 days together at a family reunion), we had sex. It was AWESOME sex. Since he's stopped it, he now says he thinks it was guilt that made him have sex with me. This makes no sense to me. I think one of the problems has been I want to talk about fixing things, about what she was giving him that I wasn't, generally working on the relationship. He has a really hard time with the talks. In fact, he's asked me to totally back off of the talks. We are in joint counseling, but unfortunately cannot afford to go enough (every 2-3 weeks). Last night he told me that he did NOT want to talk about OW ANYMORE. He said if I needed help getting through it, I would have to get that help from the counselor. We also are doing individual counseling. I told him that the COUNSELOR did not have the relationship with OW. Is this because it is too soon after ending contact and he's still mad about it? As to the "no contact" letter, the BITC* OW mailed it back to me, unopened and cut up across the bottom. My H did CALL her to tell her it was coming, but I have no clue as to what he really said to her. He has refused to call her with me there to tell her what the letter said. I dropped it after he got upset with ME for being upset about her sending it back to me.

One more thing Bad Hubby,<BR>I couldn't get to the site you posted for me. Could something be spelled wrong? HELP!! I would love to read it if it will shed more light here for me.

Honey, this is NOT unusual and the reasons can be numerous.<P>Time and patience. It seems that when we start to recover there's either "honeymoon sex" or none at all or combinations of the two, not much in between. You'll find scads of threads in history about this same thing.<P>It's harder on us 'cause our self-esteem has taken a beating and that's one thing most of us definitely want to "Take back".<P>Keep on with recovery. Stay in your Plan A. Could be withdrawal, guilt, and a host of other reasons that HE doesn't even know. Robert just figured he had "lost" his sex drive. Took us FOREVER to find the darned thing and it still slipped away from time to time.<P>It's ok. Give it time and don't put too much pressure on him in this area. Remember, as the marriage heals, that part of the marriage should get better as well. Just 'cause the affair's over, doesn't mean things are gonna be fair. Your needs still come last for a long time as he heals....don't worry, you'll be happy for all the hard work one day! <P>Love,<P>Lori

myownme,<P>HE'S NOT ! ! ! <P>As to an answer - I DON'T HAVE ONE ! ! ! <P>I've been reading, reading, reading, reading - trying to find the answer - you are right - all the books say Men Want It - well my H doesn't. At least not with me. Last year tho, he gave me a different picture when I saw something he was going to e-mail to OW. You can't tell me he is void of sexual expression - just not with me. I don't have any answers - but reading in The McGill Report there are other men who have no desire either.<P>I guess I'm becoming neurotic about it - my d-day June 2000 - last time we had SF February 2000 - from June 1997 to June 2000 - only had sex about 5-7 times - wish I would have notched the bed post so I could keep track.<P>Do I sound mad? Yes, I am furious. Do I sound like I'm gonna cry? Yes. I can't believe I've been with this guy for 15 years - and he doesn't even want me.<P>So, you're not the only person in that boat. No, I don't have to put out every night, no I don't have to 3 or 4 or 8 times a week. Because he has no libido. He told me months ago that my long face does nothing for his libido - so I'd gotten off my down trodden manner - no moves - he makes absolutely no moves in my direction. All the affection comes from me. When I was gone for 2 weeks in August, when I returned I felt like he wasn't happy to have me home - I expressed it as such - he told me you haven't even had a chance to settle in. So I came home Aug 18 - boy I've had no moves in my direction. I was ready to walk, I even walked out of the house and took off in the car one night. He had to sit up until 3:30 am talking - does it do any good - NO - hasn't still made any moves in my direction (but another guy I know has alluded to the fact he'd like to make love). <P>Today, I'm down in the dumps - my daughter will be off the bus in 3 minutes and mom is in tears and I'm trying to figure out how not to cry. Since dad has to work tonight I was going to take the girls out to dinner - now I don't feel like it - I don't feel like doing anything.<P>all I feel like doing is figuring out a separation agreement - leave - go get myself a job so I can come back and get the kids. I don't even feel like crawling home to my parents - guess I'll just go sleep in the car. <P>Today is not a good day. <P>I really wish I weren't in this place - I really wish I could get out of here. Now, the fun I'd wanted to go do yesterday is gone. <P>My self-esteem is shot - I can't believe my H did this to our marriage. I always talked him up to everybody - I'm the only one that knows the truth about him. I can't believe he is such a farce (sorry to say that).<P>I just can't believe this is happening - I feel so useless.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Myownme:<BR><B>One more thing Bad Hubby,<BR>I couldn't get to the site you posted for me. Could something be spelled wrong? HELP!! I would love to read it if it will shed more light here for me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Let's try it again<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012200.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012200.html</A> <P><BR>

p.s. SF is not on my H's EN list either!<P>I know I'm not even meeting his EN's (domestic support, financial support) - he's not meeting any of mine either - affection, SF<P>Put two and two together - I'm getting really tired of this pile of cra*.

Thanks everyone for the replies. As with everything else, it does help to know I'm not alone with my feelings. Aftershock, I applaud you for sticking it out this long. I don't think I'll be able to if my H puts me through this for too much longer. I'm going out to buy his 40th birthday present. I'm getting him what he wants. Too bad it's not ME wrapped up with bows. Maybe someday.

Hi,<P>I am the BS, and my W is the WS. I know exactly what you are going through. After d-day, I have made all the changes.I have lost 30 pounds, went to anger management classes, have done everything that therapist has asked of us. I have read over a dozen books that enlightned me to what I was doing wrong. All my affection has been met with disdain. She says she loves me and wants to work it out, but will not do anything to improve herself, or let herself get close to me. Her A started from a chat room. So, the only positive thing she has done is cut back on her chatting from 6 hours a day to about 1 hour. Things can't move fast enough for me, but she needs to go much slower. It is killing me. I am the healthiest I have been in years in terms of my apperance and anger management and willingness to fullfill a EN of conversation. She still can't let herself get close to me.<P>So, just wanting you to know that you are not alone and the problem works in reverse also!!!!! Keep posting!!!!! It is the best way to get help and support, especially if you can't see therapist weekly. Good Luck<P>------------------<BR>Burned

Believe me, believe me, you are not alone. And I don't want to depress you but my d day was in Feb 2000. What they say is true...like honeymoon sex for a few weeks, than nada. Duty sex on birthdays and anniversary. Sucks big time. Sorry lostva...glad to see your here to try to help, but this time and patience c*ap is really getting to me. I really don't want or need a roommate, I want a husband...<BR>And I can relate to being so irritated about always hearing how men want it or need it on a regular basis - he's not getting it elsewhere - he hardly ever leaves the house - so what's the deal? No, not phone sex and not on the computer (I can check). Does he really hate me that much?