Hi Everyone,<P>Recently, today, I have received several msgs from an old Calif musician friend of ours (H and myself). We lived in Calif for several years before moving to the NW. The old friend left msgs and really wants to hook-up with H. No one knows we're D. I haven't answered the phone, it came in on my H's old office line.<P>What do I do?<P>A. Ignore the msgs.<P>B. Call our friend and give him H's number (H's number is unlisted but I know he wouldn't mind friend having it)<P>C. Call someone who will get in touch with H and have them third party for me.<P>Me contacting my H is NOT an option. <P>This musician friend of ours is playing in concert here and more than likely if I get the msg to H, my H and OW will hook-up with him and go see him play, he's pretty well known, and I'll be left out . This hurts me. He was my friend too. I'm leaning toward doing nothing. Pretty selfish, huh?<P>Can you guys help me, pls?<P>Jo

Not fun being left out of things. I'm not sure how I'd handle it. I'd consider this though...<P>Call the friend, tell him you're divorced, but tell him you'd love to go to the concert. Give him H's phone #. Friend will probably tell H that he spoke to you, and that YOU are going to the concert. Now H (and OW) will have to make the tough decision, hopefully they miss the concert.<P>EH?<P>The crap goes on and on, doesn't it!

Hi Jo-<P>I am leaning towards option #2. WHY? Because if this situation were in reverse you would want it to be done that way. Also, the friend doesn't deserve to be punished. Maybe he will understand and make a decision that will surprise you. My hopes will be that he becomes dissappointed when he hears the bad news involving you and your ex.<P>Selfish? NO-YOU ARE NOT!!<P>You are normal-with feelings. I think we would all have these same exact thoughts go through our heads. If you were selfish you would not have asked for our help now would ya?<P>You hang in there and do what you have to do-I know you will make a good choice.<P>Look how far you have come already <P>Take care-<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

I agree with Janet.<P>Call him...tell him what you just told us. If he is your friend also you h ave a right. He can call your X the next time.<P>Lisa

You don't owe anything to your xH.<P>But... you really need to do option 2 because you respect your friend. <P>I understand that it's the "hook up" part that you'll be missing out on if your xH is there with OW. <P>When you call your friend to give him xH's number can you ask to see him sometime when xH is not around (after explaining things to him)? Would this be a case of making him choose between you? (That would suck)<P>Jeffers

Ditto...call him and explain about D...give X's # if you feel like it...he's your friend and if you want to see him...do.<P><BR>Cali

Hi Jo. I have to agree that you should call your friend and explain that you are D. I'm sure your friend will understand that you would feel uncomfortable around XH and OW. Why should you miss out on the chance to see your frien in condert. Call him and then he can make the decision to call XH or not. Good luck.<BR>C

Thanks you guys ...<P>I neglected to tell you the other reasons I'm inclined not to do anything. NO ONE knows about my H's OCs and what he did during our marriage. I am humiliated to have all our friends know in Calif about it. They will all know once this friend goes home and tells them.<P>I am still leaning toward ignoring the msgs.<P>And Yes, Jeffers. Unfortunetly it would be a "take sides" situation, regardless if I tried my best to circumvent that.<P>Anyone else have a suggestion or opinion?<P>Jo

Resilent, you can't run away from your PAST. Yes it sux to have other people know, but I doubt their lives are a bed of roses. These people aren't significant in your lives anymore, so no matter what they say or think should have no effect on you emotionally. Yes, it sux for people to pity you, but let them know you have survived and will continue to do so without H in your life THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Resilient,<P>I agree that it is tough for your old friends to learn of your problems. This is the first time I have told people of my husband's affairs. <P>I tell you what, the support has been incredible. Maybe I should have done this years ago. <P>The concert could be fun...go for it!!<P>MnM

I just read my post and I'm wrong. <P>Stupid, stupid pride. I love one of the OCs very much, as my own, I am not ashamed of him AT ALL, I am humiliated of the actions my H so carelessly participated in tho.<P>I don't know. I'll think on it some more. I would still appreciate any input from others. Some times it's so hard to see what the right thing to do is, you know what I mean?<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Jo,<BR>It is very difficult to be unchristian. Robert Fulghum has wonderful things to say and they are like "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". This depends how much you would like to see this old friend. We know your xH did not treat you as he should, but do you wish to continue to handle the situation in a different manner. Why are you so afraid to have these prior acquaintances know? Does it really matter what other people think of you, as long as you do the right things? Why are other people to judge you? Why do you care now?<P>Another option is to add a friend to go with you - tell your musician friend you'd love to go to his concert with a friend. Don't let your xH & your situation cut you out of fun for the rest of your life. If you enjoy his concerts and want to go then you should go. You could explain to the musician friend that you & xH are no longer together, and give him the option to contact your xH. Is it worth it to you to be dishonest with an old friend who is unaware.<P>My 2 cents. But you can ignore the advice if you wish.<BR>aftershock

Jo,<P>Part of life is accepting the consequences of one's actions. I opt for B. Let your XH talk to his friend. If you can go to the concert, take a friend have a blast...... If you can avoid H and OW ok. If not hey, wear something that shows off those legs..... ya know.... (you said you were tall and looking good right??!??) ... Ok. <P>Just my take. <P>L.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited September 09, 2001).]

Hey you guys ... JanetS, Heartache , Louser, Jeffers, Cali, Cybil, T24G, MnM, Aftershock, Orchid;<P>I was on the office phone and our musician friend chimed in. He was elated to talk to me. He kept talking about how excited he was to see "US" .... about 15 mins into the convo I told him Steve and I are no longer together, that we recently D in June. <P>I felt terrible for him, he stumbled and stuttered, didn't know that to say. He said to me "Of all the people we hung out with you and Steve were always the stable ones". I felt myself tearing up cuz that's what I thought too.<P>He asked if we had kids (the inevitable question) I said no, but Steve does have kids of his own. BIG PAUSE .... he asked how many (lol), I told him 2, he said who is their mom, I said they have different moms. AGAIN BIG PAUSE ... ughhhh. He said "oh my God". He asked if I was okay, and I told him yes, I'm getting there. Then he said he wanted to talk to me and could he call me later in the week. I said I'd love to talk to him. He told me he is a born again Christian.<P>We talked about his family a bit and then hung up.<P>Well, the cat's outta the bag. I guess this is what was supposed to happen. I don't want to RUN from anything. You are so right T24G, thank you. Very wise advice.<P>I just feel like people would think there really has to be something wrong with me that my H would have two children with two diff women during our marriage. <P>But no matter, because I can't change any of it. And when I think of Ryan (OC), I wouldn't.<P>Again, thank you all for caring enough to respond and give me advice. This place is a God send for me.<P>Love to you All,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 09, 2001).]

Jo,<P>It is a pain having to tell people isn't it. I know how you feel, I always think that everyone wonders what I did to make my STBX stray, I know it wasn't all my fault that he made the choice but I still feel that way. In the last wk I ran into people who didn't know, had to go into the fast short spin, I feel like just printing a card & handing it to people.<P>Running into X & OW would be hard you can do it & still have fun. Been there done that last wk also. STBX brought OW to OS's 1st home ftball game. There were so many people there, that I didn't have to see them, I most likely wouldn't see her at all if that hadn't pulled into the parking lot while YS & I were still in the car, they left & parked somewhere else. Was lucky that ran into a very close friend so we sat there & made catty remarks about middle age men & their throphy GF's. When STBX was looking for us, os he could see YS, I didn't let on like I saw him, he wouldn't had seen YS at all if OS hadn't gotten hurt. No I didn't get up & run on the field, or to the side lines, I followed all instructions about staying in my seat, I only got up & went to the fence when the trainer was making son look for a parent & this was a long time after injury, then STBX joined us at the fence. <P>But you know even knowing the slut was at the game, I still had fun, now I don't know what I will do if she comes to one of YS's games, there is a lot less people & it will be hard to avoid here.<P>Have a good day, Remeber you are the good guy here.

Jo,<P>That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger! Your honesty, belief in yourself, belief in your friend, and your integrity speak volumes about who you are! Twas a big hurdle you just crossed, believe it or not! Continue to grow...for YOU!! We are proud of you!! You're awesome!!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Jo - so sorry I'm late to your post. You got really good advice from the others and it sounds as if you handled the conversation very well. Can I say I'm proud of you?<P>YOU have nothing to feel humiliated about when/if the truth gets out back in CA. Your X has EVERYTHING to feel humiliated about.<P>Remember who you are - Resilient.<P>Dave

Oh well, Jo---I teared up at your description of the conversation. You handled things very well, BTW.<P>I was gonna tell you "B". No need to now, I guess.<P>

Jo,<P>That was the right thing - even though it was hard for you. I pray that your old friend will accept you, and that you two will continue to be friends. Remember, it was your xH that did this, not you. Your friends will accept, if they are not friends they will be gone - and who needs a friend like that anyway?<P>I am very proud of you - you are awesome. hugs, aftershock

<BR>I think you handled that perfectly. If he's really your friend, and it sounds like he is, he'll understand who has character and integrity.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just feel like people would think there really has to be something wrong with me that my H would have two children with two diff women during our marriage.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I understand why you might feel this way. Really though, don't you think it's more likely that people would think there really has to be something wrong with your H for him to have two children with two different women during your marriage? I know this sounds flippant, but seriously, you didn't hold a gun to his head and force this on him, right? His choice, his responsibility. NOT yours.<P>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<BR>