Things are still going good. H missed MC appointment yesterday because the alarm did not go off. That was disappointing, but what can you do???<P>I know he was serious about going because he came to the house in the morning to "cat nap" before the appt. Unfortunately, our middle daughter decided to play with the alarm clock (both of us saw her near it but thought nothing of it), and of course you can figure out what happened... I tried the alarm clock later and it was indeed not working... H felt horrible about what happened, but I did not make a big deal about it.<P><BR>Anyway, I went to the appt. by myself. As Z & STL and others know, my story is pretty darn complex. C says my H has some really major issues he needs to work through before we can have any hope of recovery (but we all knew that, right?). Sort of bummed me out though. C said he thought my H may have written the no-contact letter and other stuff just to apease me. Kind of like a mother/son relationship, you get found out, you did something wrong, now he's going to act really good for a while and try to do everything the way he things I want it (notice I did not say right, I said the way he THINKS I want it)...<P>We basically have no hope if H stops individual counseling. He has a pattern going (hurting me) and if he doesn't stop it via C, then I'm going to get hurt again... So, I have to sort of brace myself for that. The C says, IF my H is really serious, then time will tell, and I'll be able to build up alot more trust for him as I see more changes going on inside of him (due to counseling)... I've already seen a ton by the way.<P>I just wonder if I am strong enough for that. If you think about it, I basically need to wait to see if my H can be an adult and deal with all his issues (quite a few) before I will know if we have a real chance for recovery.<P>We can do the MB stuff and rebuild our marriage just fine, but if he doesn't get the help he needs, then we are doomed to repeat it all over again, months/years from now...<P>C also tends to think that my control/manipulation is mostly in my H's head due to the way I acted when we were first married. H labeled me as controlling and no matter what I did the rest of our marriage, I always had this "black spot" that I never had a chance against... That made me feel alot better. He says if my H can't get over seeing me that way (which I've been talking to H about for a while), then things will break up again eventually as well...<P>I just wonder how long I can live with this uncertainty. It's definately not what I signed up for in our marriage. I mean, it's going to be a LONG time before my H learns to deal with everything he's kept bottled up for so long. Reality vs. what he made up, and all the other stuff I've wrote about here...<P>I have to try though. I would forever hate myself if I did not at least give him the chance to continue proving to me that he is straightening out his life...<P>I am also in counseling to help deal with my past and why I let my H get away with so much w/o putting my foot down, but it is just nothing compared to what my H is dealing with inside. I almost wish there was more wrong with me, or someone would tell me I did more wrong to help deteriorate our marriage. Just something, so I could do some work too (more than I am already I mean). I really hate waiting... Maybe I can work on that. LOL.<P>I feel so bad for him and what he is going through inside, but if he can't change and learn to deal with his issues, then I know I will need to divorce him. It's such a scary feeling... <P>To know AT THIS MOMENT, that my H and I could recover and be wonderfully happy, but to also know that it may not last because of other things going on inside my H, that is just an unknown terror. Talk about NO CONTROL and blind trust...<P>I'll keep you posted. Zorweb, you had asked long ago to let you know what the C thought about alot of this and how they handled it. This is it, so far...<P>HbH<BR>

Hi Hbh,<P>Too bad we can't use the same MC and get a discount!! LOL!!<P>Same here. Almost exactly..... funny how I was reflecting on that same thought. Last 5 visits have had bad endings. <P>My situation is that d/d is tied to returning from an Mc session. YUCK. <P>L.

HA!! I would like that. Pretty soon my insurance coverage will run out and I'll be paying for this out of my own pocket. <yikes!> It's worth it though.<P>Yeah, funny how I always feel like it is hopeless and I should throw in the towel after one of the MC sessions...<P>I have to give it this last shot though. I've been saying that for the past 6 weeks or so, and even though I've come real close (with the seperation), so far I'm still hanging in there. H is coming around, and so far he hasn't really done anything AGAINST recovery (I think if he had, I would have been SO gone). <P>Sort of like since he isn't doing anything wrong, I don't have the right to give up on him... Innocent until proven guilty if you will. Oh man, that sounds bad.<P>It just hurts to think I might get all the way through this again, live a normal recovered married life, just to get blindsided again by something my H never dealt with and has been festering inside him... That is why individual counseling is a must for him if our marriage is to survive permanently. <P>He needs to deal with his demons or they will come back to bite us years from now. It's scary to not have peace or to just NOT KNOW if my H will turn into Mr. Hyde again in 3 months, a year, etc.<P>The good news is that the MC considers what my H had as more of a "fling". Even though my H said he loved her and this and that, it wasn't geniune. He knew it was only temporary and that she was going away and he had absolutely no intention of ever being with her after that. It was a temporary solution to help him run away from his problems that he refused to face.<P>Now he is facing them and it is a long road ahead for both of us. The underlying question is: Will he fight, or will he run again?? Only time will tell.<P> <P>HbH

HbH<P>RE: “I almost wish there was more wrong with me, or someone would tell me I did more wrong to help deteriorate our marriage. Just something, so I could do some work too (more than I am already I mean). I really hate waiting... Maybe I can work on that.”<P>Wow, what an interesting comment. In some ways this sounds like your desire to control things… to make them go faster. Oh, I understand it… been there myself. When I get in this frame of mind I muddle things until I remember to back off and hand it all off to God. He handles such things so much better then I ever could. Someone once told me of a “worry box”. They would write out a worry and put the paper in their “worry box”. All of the worries in the box were ones that they turned over to God. Thought the symbolism was incredible.<P>The important thing here is that you need to focus on yourself. Your H will take care of himself, or not. But you have no control over that at all. It does sound like he is making some solid steps in the right direction. I hope you give him some pasts and the back often for having the courage to face his own demons. <P>While there is nothing you can do to “fix” your H, I do see that you have an awful lot of work to do to repair your marriage and in self-growth. <P>RE: “why I let my H get away with so much w/o putting my foot down, but it is just nothing compared to what my H is dealing with inside. “<P>Boy does this statement ring a bell with me. There are two things here that concern me. The first is that you seem more concerned about the demons your H has to face then you are about those you have to face. It is not true that his are necessarily worse then yours. Again it seems that you are focusing on him. Who is going to focus on HbH if you don’t? There is obviously something in your past that you have to deal with… the fact that you put up with your H’s abuses for so long means that you have some real issues. One of the tell tale signs is that you let him get away with so much and you do not put your foot down. This is some of he work you need to do. If you do not learn how to recognize when things get out of hand and how to set appropriate limits your marriage is just as doomed, as it will be if your H does not do his work.<P>I hope you don’t think that I am being hard on you. It’s just that I recognize these issues from my own life. I too have had a terrible time knowing how and when to set limits. It has taken me a very long time to learn that I had the right to set those limits and how to set them. A book that really helped me was “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”. It tells the whys and wherefores of which behavior and how to stop it. Changing your behavior will go a very long way to helping your H change his.<P>Your news here is wonderful. I hope you and your H keep moving in the right direction. As always, keep us informed.<P>Z & STL<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Hi Zorweb. Thanks for your comments. <P>Yeah, I gotta work on alot of stuff with me, but they just seem so little compared to what my H is going through inside. Believe me, I give him lots of pats on the back.<P>Yesterday he was just so depressed. I asked him if he has figured out what was "missing" in his life yet. He said, nothing was really missing, he just always felt like he wasn't good enough or doing enough, or that he wasn't doing the right things. He said he just has to learn to accept that he will always be a screwup and never be good enough for anything.<P>Sigh. As such has been my life the past 3 years dealing with his mood swings... I cheered him up though and we ended up having a good time. So sad though to see so much pain inside one human being. Breaks my heart.<P>Anyway, I am working on my stuff in counseling. I agree that the part about more being wrong with me is my control side coming out. It is just so freakin' scary when I think that I can go through recovery AGAIN without knowing for sure if it will all crumble down. (when I say recovery, I don't mean affair, I mean something totally anhilates your marriage or love for your spouse, you rebuild, then you get hit again, and again, and again).<P>This time does seem different. I was on my own before, to try and read and figure out how to rebuild only to do it half-[censored] w/o realizing it (takes two to tango). But now, now I have MB and my H is in counseling (and us in MC counseling)... I gotta try. I have no doubt in my mind that my marriage will recover from this. The question is whether or not it will TRULY recover, or if I will just THINK it recovered and then I get blindsided again... (deja vu)<P>I really like your idea of a worry box. I may have to use it. There is much I have put in God's hands already, but there is still so much more to be sent up there. <P>I know my kids and I will be okay regardless of what happens, I am just not so sure about my H. That is why I focus so much on him. I realize there's nothing I can do about it, he has to make/break his own life, if you knew all the things that I know about him... I just wish he would share these things with the counselor, but he refuses. It's so sad.<P>I know in my heart that my H is sincere, RIGHT NOW, this instant, and he would do everything to rebuild our marriage, fight his demons, and become the man I know he can be. The problem is that I don't believe this feeling of his will last. Isn't that so sad that I can't believe in him anymore?? It is to me...<P>I'll keep posting here, giving progress of my marital recovery in hopes of cheering others up. That is the here and now, the stuff in this post is all my fear of the future and the fears that the counselors bring up...<P>Thank you Zorweb. It helps so much to get my fears out in the open like this. To hear you say what I know in my heart already. <P>Only time will give me the answers I need today. <P>HbH

HbH:<P>One day at a time, one step at a time. Tend to your fears, but do not neglect to share them with your H. Likewise, encourage him to exorcise his demons, and that you are there to listen, comfort and help.<P>In this way, you will both come to rely on each other: as it should be. Complete honesty, wrapped in the rules of protection and care.<P>After that, is a matter of the rule of time.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL