Thank you to all you have given me encourgement to have hope and move forward. I have had such a upsetting Saturday, my 12 year old is having a really tuff time dealing with our seperation, today out of anger he kicked a hole in the wall and ran out of the house, I couldn't find him for a while, finally I road over my in-laws where WH is staying he (WH) wasn't there thank God, anyway at this point I was becoming a little frantic and proceeded to talk to my FIL he was outside when I drove by. I know what I said and did was wrong but I lashed out at him. I asked him if he had seen Kenny (my son) he said no why? So I said to him very nasty Your damn son is out fooling around with OW and here I am day in and day out taking care of our kids he does nothing etc.. FIL says don't get me involved all he does he sleep here. So I say I am not getting you involved , anyway there was much said that was not pretty and I really should not have done that, but its to late I already said it. I spoke the truth but went about it in the wrong way. So the rest of my day I cried, WH told 12 year old he is not coming back, my son begged him to come back WH says he doesn't love mommy anymore and doesn't want to work anything out. oh the pain is unbearable, guess I should start posting on divorce/divorcing soon. Still think there's hope??? Love and Hugs to all you wonderful people love Sally

Of course there is still hope, Sally. You're here, aren't you?<P>I understand how frantic you must have been regarding your son, we all LB our WS's in times of reaction at one time or another, it's just that this time you did it to FIL as proxy for H. I'm sure when FIL takes some time to think about it, he'll know that the situation you're dealing with is very stressful and painful. He'll get over it.<P>Sally, you need to start looking at this separation as a time for you to improve you, to think about the things that you did to contribute to the marriage dischord and make improvements where needed. Show your H you are not going to react as he expects, show him you can be more introspective about this whole sordid thing and you will accept responsibility for your part. Plan A.<P>I guarantee you you'll feel better about yourself and the situation if you start to Plan A and begin to try and understand how you and your H got here.<P>Sending you prayers and love, Sally.<P>Jo<P>

I am sorry you are going through so much pain...<P>Is there anyway you can get you and children into family counseling? You 12 yr. old has a lot to work out...check w/ his school, too...sometimes the counselors there have resources as well.<P>My H and I are taking a parenting class through the County Social Work dept...on how to handle strong-will child...you might check in your area and see what is available...schools, welfare offices, county mental health, etc. might know of one in your area...Our class is called "The Parent Project." LOTS OF SINGLE parents are in the class...if nothing else you get to meet other people and talk once a week...it has been great support. (And for H and I...another place to connect...though he had no idea that might happen...he was just going for son ).<P>Good luck...my email is InShockInCali@excite.com...if you should want to 'just talk' and not post.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Jo, I know you are so right and everything you said makes toatl sense, but I can't seem to do what everyone is telling me. All I am doing is feeling sorry for myself and saying poor me. I really do need to work on myself. I am not sure where to start. I am def. going to counseling I thought being on anti-depressants would be enough but it is not I need professional help. Thank you for your reply and concern Love Sally

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... this event is only minor in the whole grand picture.<P>You're tormenting yourself because you're human and have feelings and emotions. You can't change that fact. Just like you can't change the past.<P>You've learned greatly from today. Use that to help you should you be so stressed out again. You can do it. I know you can. <P>Now, on a moving forward note... obviously one of the main things that's stressing you out is that you have sole responsibility for the kids (is it just one? - I can't remember). You've targeted a problem, now do something to fix it. My suggestion is to create some visitation times (give yourself some full weekends off). It is so important that the kids have the chance to continue to spend time with their dad. Do what you can to make that happen (even if it means a court appointed schedule). IMO, that will help ease your stress some, and give you something productive to do.<P>Karen<BR>

Hi cali, yes I am looking into counseling for myself and my kids it is a def. must. it seems everyday there is something else to deal with, and all this stress and pain, when will it all go away!!! My H will not go to counseling totally refuses.My 15 year old son is doing great considering everything he has been like the man of the house and my D 9 year old is just very weepy and misses him but 12 year old is difficult and I blame my h for that is that wrong?? Love Sally

Hi karen, I am just a walking problem this week right? I have 3 kids and yes i need some time alone thats for sure. I metioned this to H but he says he is working 7 days a week 12-16 hr. shifts he is a cop in N.Y. so he says he tired but, he said to let him know and he will try to work in out in his sch. So i am working on a sch. now, and i am going for a free consult to a lawyer.Thanks karen for having confidence in me right now I have none in myself. I feel like my whole world is turned upside down. love Sally

Boy ... Topie and Cali, two very compassionate and smart MBers. Some very good advice and support.<P>Sally, I was just like you in the early days, actually, I was a mess for a very very long time. I was, and still am at times, so emotional and had a pity party almost everyday for a long time. You have it so much harder than I, I don't have kids to care for. I think you're so strong to get thru this every day and still tend to your children. You're truly to be admired for doing it. I think God purposely made women stronger in this respect for a reason. <P>You can continue to do this, Sally. And you can be a better person/spouse even when you're going thru it. Allow yourself to feel hurt, it's your right because you have been wronged and you don't deserve this mistreatment. But do know the pain you're feeling is temporary. <P>Once you discover that you did nothing to cause your H to have an A, you'll begin to feel better about yourself. You need to understand that no matter what the state of your marriage, your H having an affair cannot be justified. There is no excuse and it was his choice and it is his responsibility. <P>It's going to take you some time to get strong, Sally. But it will happen, I promise. I went thru exactly what you're feeling .... I never thought I would even laugh again, or feel joy again. But I have and you will too.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo

Thank you Jo, that means a lot to me what you said. you have given me something to hold on to , the pain being over. I know it will take time.H keeps blaming me for A I know its not my fault I refuse to let him use me to blame. I am trying to be strong and take care of my kids and go to work everyday, but I feel myself getting weaker. Thank God for this site and you. Love Debbie (Sad Sally)

One suggestion,,,,until you can get this counseling appointment,,and the sooner, the better,,why not start a daily journal. Write down everything that happens each day, including your thoughts and feelings. So many find this very helpful, not only as a record of each day but to sort out their thoughts on paper. Plus, it's amazing when you can look back and see just how far you've come.

Yes, I will start a journal that is a very good idea, Thanks Debbie(Sad Sally)

Debbie,<P>My H did the same thing. And the consensus on this board is that most WS's blame the BS for their A. Regardless what was wrong in your marriage, he holds and owns the responsibility for going outside the marriage covenant and having an A with an OW. You are NOT to blame. You believe this, right?<P>When those discussions occur, Debbie, do not participate, it'll be disingeneous for you to try and defend yourself because he, being in the FOG, will not succumb to logic.<P>He has to justify what he has done and blaming you for the A is his way of relieving his guilt. Just know there are several of us here at MB that have gone before you. When you refuse to participate in the finger pointing is when the white flag waving will start ... you are the one who has to be strong and stay sane. It takes two to have a disagreement, and when you respond to him with phrases such as "I see, I understand, Okay" as opposed to becoming defensive (and rightly so), you'll notice he'll run out of ammunition to justify his stance.<P>This is HELL, I KNOW! But it works. It will help you get thru it. <P>Prayers Sweetie,<BR>Jo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sad Sally:<BR><B>I know what I said and did was wrong but I lashed out at him. I asked him if he had seen Kenny (my son) he said no why? So I said to him very nasty Your damn son is out fooling around with OW and here I am day in and day out taking care of our kids he does nothing etc.. FIL says don't get me involved all he does he sleep here. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh wow. How big of him. How supportive. What a man. His son is destroying his own family and all the FIL can say is "don't get me involved" it's not his damn problem. What a kind caring, compassionate man. His indifference is so endearing. I can see where his son gets some of his better traits if this is the level of caring and concern that his dad shows. <P>Don't you go blaming yourself for his very shabby, cruel treatment, Sally. You have been treated so shabby lately that you don't recognize when it is someone else who is out of line here. And it wasn't you. Good grief, don't you have enough problems as it is?<P>I am sorry to be so angry about this but I get so upset at the ABJECT cruelty I see on this website. I just cannot get over it and some days I leave here just sick to my stomach at the evil and inhumanity that creates so many broken hearts here.