My W had an A about 2 1/2 yrs ago. First over the net then in real life. We thought that we worked though it but we were wrong. Now she is talking with a "friend" on the net that I have met once. I liked him at first and didn't see a problem with my W having a male "friend" Once I found out that is was getting too "friendly" I freaked out. I threw a fit and left. After getting over the anger I started calling her from work and we both have been wishy-washy in our conversations. I work for long periods of time away from home and I think that it has had a very negative affect on her but she has never said anything about it. <BR>I have three children that will be affected by this if it leads to the big D. Where do I start and what do I do?

It would be difficult to stop it without her having resentment toward you. Perhaps talking to her and telling her of your concern. <P>My H downloaded a spy-program and found out about my A. I'm not necessarily recommending that...becuz I still have some resentment about that (he can still see everything I type).... yet, I justify it becuz of my A.... I suppose I feel thats its my punishment for being deceitful...sigh......<P>But.... I do believe that open honesty is the best way to deal with this.....TALK to your W and tell her how much this concerns you and how much you love her, etc etc. And, that you are concerned as to where this may lead.<P>When chatting on the internet, women often get emotionally attached..... often because men in real life don't 'talk' about their feelings, etc. We think this 'internet-guy' is different...ha! Soooooo, perhaps if you open up and talk to her about different things in your life, etc...it might fill her need for that.<P>You said that you are away quite often for work.... that can be difficult, but it can also be romantic as well. Maybe sending her letters? cards? flowers? or emails would help??????? Anticipating your return can make her rejuvenated.<P>Anyway......good luck......<P>------------------<BR>..climbing the rainbow..

Thanks for you reply CM, I have been battling this for two and a half years but now it is with a different foe from the same chat room. I know that the net is a good place to get yourself in touble if that is what you are looking for. The first time I caught her was when I bought the computer for her to keep in touch with me when I was gone. She told me about this guy and I kind of blew it off because she was 24 at the time and he was 48. I didn't think anything serious. Then one night while I was home I woke up and she wasn't in the bed, she was on the computer. I walked up behind her to ask her what she was doing when I realized that I had stepped into something that shook me to the very core. I walked quietly back to bed and didn't mention it until I had a leg to stand on. I broke into her e-mail and torchered myself for hours reading their letters. Then I printed them out and confronted her with them. The rest of that story is to long to tell here. As for what's going on now, I think I know that they haven't slept together but was planning a meeting while I was at work. But they are 500 miles apart and haven't found the right moment yet. I can't stand the thought of going though this again. I have taken some precautions by stopping by the Dr's and getting a Scrpt for Zoloft and it has mellowed out the highs and lows somewhat. I want to be nice and gentle with her and try to understand but it is even harder the third time around. How much can I take? I don't know! When I got married, I made a promise to God and to her. I will keep that promise till I can't hold on anymore.

Roughneck,<P> Do you work in the oil field? Just curious due to your handle. Used to be my profession of choice. <P> Sorry for what you are dealing with. There is nothing harder in this life than what affairs do to a person. <P> One thing I suggest is installing spyware on the computers spouse uses. <A HREF="http://www.iopus.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.iopus.com</A> <P> However be prepared for what you may read and find. Starr Pro is the one I am familar with. It has the capability to automatically send periodic email reports to any email site you belong.<P> Sorry for your pain and fears.<P> jd

Roughneck,<P>Have you both read Surviving an Affair? It is a must read if you have any type of infidelity in your marriage, emotional or physical, real life or internet. You can get it here at this website in the bookstore. My husband and I are reading it. It has been an eye opener for both of us. It has made both of us realize how vulnerable "I" am to being tempted to have an affair, something that I simply had not thought about. <P>The traveling aspects of your job can be a problem for a relationship that has had problems with infidelity. I imagine she is lonely when you are gone and is simply looking for conversation. It is very easy to fall for a man who seems so perfect over the net. You don't discuss things like saving for the kids college tuition, painting the house or how will we pay all of our bills this month with a cyberlover. It's champagne and roses with a cyberlover. You need to put a stop to this. I do not know if you are still using the software you used prior to this recent change of events... <P>There are three books I would recommend, "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters". You can get them here at marriagebuilders in the bokstore. Start reading them. Do what you can to sweep her off her feet. WOmen who are happy with their marriages and are having thier needs met don't seek out others. Figure out what her emotional needs are, maybe read the books together or when you are apart. You, yur wife and your kids deserve the very best. It's a lot of hard work on both of your parts, but many before you have done it successfully. It is a long, hard road...but you can do it if you have the will.<P>Bluebird

Jd,<P>Yes, I work offshore but I work all over the world. One month I am in the gulf of mexico and the next month I am in Brazil, Peru, so on and so forth. I work about 250 days a year but have put in a request to work equal time. If they don't grant it I will be searching for a new job. I have done a lot of soul searching myself and found that I need to spend more time at home with my family. It seems that the more I try to make her happy the more she pushes away from me. I have spent one week in a new house that I have bought for my family. Now I have spent the rest of my time working in the gulf and heading in tomorrow for two weeks. I'm going home but I do have a house rented just in case. I done this before finding this website and before I had a plan that this website has given me. To tell you the truth, I don't know how to handle this but I am taking all of your advice and going to try to work it out on my end. <BR>I don't know about the spy software, what is it going to tell me that I don't already know or suspect? She has been pretty open with me about what OM has been telling her. By the way did I tell ya'll that OM just got seperated and is getting a divorce? He tells my W that his W is his best friend and they never fight but have to go their seperate ways. Sounds pretty fishy to me! How can you leave your best friend? Other things that puzzle me is how my W thinks! The OM has no children. We have three. I would hope that she atleast know that no one will love our children like we do. What the hell is she thinking? How in the hell are they going to pull this off? She lives in Louisiana, he lives in Alabama. Is he going to quit his job and come to her? I can't see it. Is she going to pick up and move to Alabama with him? She doesn't even like getting out of the house and I don't think she would ever leave her parents because of the ties they have with the kids. I have to admit, this time is a little different because they have been friends for two years but I don't know what his intentions are. I would have to think that day to day living of them together would be a whole different ballgame. He thinks that he knows her! Bull! I know her better than she knows herself sometimes. She thinks she knows him! Bull! There is no way that she knows him from talking to him on the net and spending a week with him in Memphis. Thats right, I stayed home and took care of the kids so she could go to Memphis for Elvis week. I know she loves it and I spent an extra two weeks at work so she would have the money to do that.<BR>The A that she had 2 1/2 yrs ago ended when I outlasted the other guy who was from Chicago. He got inpatient with her and dropped her like a hot rock. She found out a little later that he had been playing her the whole time, he had three others reeled in. The one before that ended the same way, he told her to go back to her husband. When will the insanity end? How much do I have to go through and put up with before I lose all the love that I feel for her.<BR>She has told me that she needs love and attention and I feel that I give all of me when I can, but I need more info from her to give her what she wants. I can't read her mind and I don't know where to even start.... I will be there tomorrow so I need to get to thinking fast! Advice anyone?

Bluebird,<P>No, I have not read the books that you have advised but I will pick them up on the way home tomorrow and read them when I can. It has been hard to get her to read a book or see a councilor. She has admitted that she is depressed and that she has low self-esteem but she won't get any help for it. She tells me that she is going to get an appointment with a councilor but she never does. She tells me that she wants help but never makes the first move to get it. I can't do this for her. I can't make her do anything. I have learned that trying to "staighten her out" doesn't work. I tell her that I wish there was a machine that could be hooked up to us both so we could "feel" what the other feels. There is no words that can explain how much I love her and how much she means to me, she simply doesn't get it. I do know that it is my fault for not being able to get this across to her in a way that she would understand. I have to learn new skills in showing her how much she means to me but I guess the books will push me in the right direction......<P>Thanks again....<P><BR>S.E.

When you are home, you tell her there are no secrets in a healthy marriage and you sit with her while she is on the computer. <P>Well, in a perfect world, anyway.<P>H trusted me far too much and after I confessed, he began to read all my email. Sure, I was insulted but I was willing to pay whatever price it took to win him back. I know your situation is different but "spying"--breaking her trust in you just doesn't sit right in my opinion. <P>It's unfortunate she has far too much freedom when you are away. Just be upfront...she may deny it but you have done your part and hopefully she will realize the reasons for your concern.<P>I hope I don't sound like a Pollyanna but my A started with "innocent" friendship pages and cards that escalated to my abandoning H and the kids...this was with a person I knew. How many times did I fear H would "catch" me! But he gave me far too much freedom assuming since I had never lied before, I was still worthy of trust. In his heart, he knew better. OM and I wormed him into H and I's home. OM even staged a chronic illness (found out after A) in order to "be there for me"--ya, right.<P>Would your W go to counselling with you? Sounds like she is in deep fog.<P>As always, this is only one opinion to be taken or left as you choose. It is one story of someone who regrets her past and her insensitivity to her family. <P>I hope your story will find a happier chapter soon.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Freshstart,<P>She is not open to much of anything right now. Counseling is out of the question for her right now! I am going to my first counceling session on Wednesday. And since I work a lot I will be making two sessions a week. I will be of no assistance to her if my mind isn't right. The only thing I can do for the time being is love her! Thank you so much for your advise. I will use it wisely!<P><BR>Thanks again <P>Roughneck

Three months ago, today, I found out about my wife's affair of 6 months. She met him on the internet, paying scrabble on games.com. They became friends and eventually met, turning their EA into a PA. They met several more times, once my wife pretended she was travelling 1200 miles to see my parents, but she actually met him there.<P>Why did it happen? Did I give her too much freedom? Yes. But even when I complained of how much time she spent on the computer, and told her that I wished she would spend more time with me, and talk to me, the corrective actions she would take would only be temporary. <P>She doesn't work, and when she does, the jobs don't last long. I make enough to pay the bills, so I don't push her to work, but I always wished she would do something with her free time. Well, she did. She fell in love with another man. I never thought it could happen. Of course, it all started out innocently enough. I even chatted with him a few times. But their deviant behaviour quickly went into secrecy. Three months ago, today, I picked up the phone while she was on it, and overheard them say "I love you" to each other. <P>My life hasn't been the same since. Hers pretty much has. She has reacted with only this "I am sorry I hurt you, but I don't regret what I did. I love you, but I love him still. I want to be married, but I just can't seem to give this up." Well, the last line, she hasn't said. She did say she wants to be married, but she hasn't given the OM up.<P>What have I done? I've been a gentleman, opening doors, buying flowers, spending every free moment I have with her. I started working out, bought some new clothes (been wearing the same stuff I wore ten years ago) and bought her even more new clothes. She also has lost weight, looks great and feels great. But nothing has changed. I don't know if she'll ever give up the relationship she created with him. It only seems to get stronger, as time passes.<P>Can you work things out with your wife? Maybe. It's tough. The hardest thing you'll ever go through. Will you ever trust her again? Maybe not. I find myself snooping almost all day. On her email, her phone, everything. She gets hurt every time she finds that I do it, but says that she understands. I'm not sure she does.<P>As husbands, we have a responsibility to take care of our wives. Letting them make friends with men online, that aren't mutual friends to the both of you, is a dangerous thing. It is so easy to lose your inhibitions online and go SO much further than you ever dreamed you would. <P>I really should get rid of our internet access altogether. But that won't make her love me more than him. It might do just the opposite. But if our wives are truly committed to rebuilding our marriage, they should be open to doing things that set our minds at ease. Whatever it takes.<P>Mine isn't.

My first thought would be to take the computer and bring it to the Gulf with you and throw it over the side! I'm sorry, but I had to say that. I do not know how to help you. My H does not know how to get around on the internet so his A was with an old high school girlfriend. I am having trouble with the whole "understanding" part right now as my H has continued contact (until, I think, last Thursday). Loving is one thing, being a doormat is quite another. That's what I was starting to feel like, so he is now living at his sister's.<P>For GM, how are you continuing with Plan A? I forget, are you living together at this point? If so, it almost sounds like Plan B time. Just my opinion.<P>My prayers are with both of you...<P>MOM

We are still living together. Since I got back from Taiwan on my extended business trip, I've confronted her several times about what she plans to do. She's reacted differently, but then again, the end result is the same... she cries, says she loves me, wants to live with me forever, but just doesn't do anything about it. I want a no-contact agreement and she just doesn't do anything about it. She just wants to pretend everything is ok and go on doing what she wants.<P>It is *definitely* nearing Plan B time. I have had all I can take, and before I really lose it, I am going to ask her to go live with her mother, and pretty much leave it open-ended. It's over, unless she can figure out a way to convince me that we have a chance. Because right now, I don't think so. She isn't making the efforts I want.<P>Sorry to throw this update in here, but it reinforces how important these "boundaries" are with internet relationships. If you don't establish these boundaries, and get them to be accountable for their time on the internet, then progress will be next to impossible. Of course, you can't force it. The WS has to realize the importance of accountability and rebuilding trust, but Plan B might indeed force it out of them. <P>That's what I am hoping. Otherwise, the new improved person I have become through a vigorous Plan A is going to help me find a person that will truly care for me, and allow me to love them the same.

I am going through a very similar situation to yours. There is a lot of truth to what is said about emotional vs. physical affairs. Emotional affairs can be more damaging as feelings are involved and especially when the BS knows everything that is going on. I have installed a recording program and as much as I dislike it I have learned much about my wife. Her intimate soul revealing conversations with her friend have shown me the real inner woman whom I married. Not that she is a bad person, but a person with a value and moral system that is not common or in line with mine. A person who lives with "duality" as she says. The mother, wife, the women and the other half being the women who has so much love and passion to give that her husband is not enough for her. Both her friend and she speak about their circumstances, being prisoners, their families, their marriages that do not fulfill their needs. They have concluded they have similar lives, are soulmates but have never met. But they will meet. Sometimes 2 to 3 emails daily, 1-2 hours chatting. My wife contually resists his sexual offers, she is a women and wants to develop feelings before sex. He constantly claims he has so much contained love and sex has many forms. In desperation he has even suggested an affair would be good for her marriage. What really bothers me is that she keeps going back for more and does not see him for who he is. He may not be an evil person but he is a person capable of disrupting anothers marriage with no repect for his own even though it may not be working. I am not the perfect husband but a good husband. My wife is a very difficult person and known as a ***** by many that know her. She complains that I do not communicate enough and he does but he does not live with her and her bad moods, he just sees a marvelous spiritual woman. My attempts to be communicative are nulified by her hysterical, insulting attitudes most of the time. Who can be nice to someone who bites you. So I have come to some other conclusions not in line with this website. I just may not want to spend the rest of my life with her. No plan A or B. She expressed in e mails to her sister that she is not capable of being monogomous, its not in her nature. I do not thinks shes in fog. She has clearly decided who she is and what she wants. So the decision is mine. The internet guy is todays problem for me, tommorrow it will be another. The overwhelming problem I have are my circumstances, my family, two young daughters. Romances can come and go, not your family or kids.

Rich, I totally hear ya. <P>It seems my wife has clearly decided for herself what she really wants and doesn't want. She vocalizes her desires to be married and to have a fantastic relationship with me, but then her action completely betray her.<P>I'll tell you this much... when people convince themselves that they are unhappy, and have found happiness in some "forbidden" pleasure, then it is nearly impossible to convince them that what they have is good. My wife is on this witch hunt to just have a great time, and let nothing get in her way. But if and when she loses what I hope she realizes is the most important thing to her, she will regret her actions. Of that, I am sure. But in the meantime, I am being strung along on this roller coaster. She implores me to just hang on, but I can't.<P>Plan A and B are both good options, though. If you don't feel like you can handle the sacrifice that Plan A requires (yes, it's freaking hard) then go right to Plan B. She leaves, indefinitely, and only returns if she can convince you that she is ready to be a wife.

GM....I really should get rid of our internet access altogether. But that won't make her love me more than him. It might do just the opposite. But if our wives are truly committed to rebuilding our marriage, they should be open to doing things that set our minds at ease. Whatever it takes.<P>Mine isn't<P>snl...I don't know how far you would go with that statement, but it is a problem. One cannot make absolute demands of a spouse and say it is protection, or comcern for you. One could say I never want my wife to work cause I am afraid she will meet a man..... etc. etc. well.... no....you can't say that even if you do need it for your peace of mind, you just have to live with it, it is a personal problem of yours (so to speak, it is your own demon). This sort of thing reveals the limits of MB philosophy, it cannot reduce marriage down to a set of rule s or behaviour, people still have to fit, if one is constantly afraid a spouse will wander (whether the fear is real or not) either does not fit who they married, or has personality disorders that mean they should not be married at all, and do a diservice to whoever they get to marry em. <P>I have no reason to believe you are an unreasonable man gm, your post just gave me the opportunity to express something I have thought about. My w would prefer I not go on the interent (the talking to people, especially women, part) cause that is how I met the ow. The problem is not the internet, it is the marriage, and the individuals in it. I am not going to avoid talking to women on-line or in real life cause it distresses my wife. That would be toxic, and not beneficial to the marriage cause in makes me property. Humans communicate, it is what makes us human. But I can let her know who I am talking to, and about what, and I can conmitt (and be sure I am able) to recognizing when it becomes inappropriate and stop.<BR>

I certainly am a reasonable man, and also a rational man. That is why we still have AOL. I know that getting rid of it isn't going to be the solution. Her mother even told me to get rid of it, and I refused. Even if I could force her to leave the OM and come to me, I don't want to. <P>If and when she is ready to be my wife, then I am ready. But as long as she indulges in flirting with every guy she meets online, then I just can't accept that.<P>She knows where the line is, and knows when things got inappropriate. She also knew how to stop. But she didn't want to. I left a void in her life, and she chose to fill that void with another man, rather than work it out with me. I have presented every ounce of my being to her, to do whatever it takes to be everything she needs me to be. But she either doesn't think I am capable, or is far too in love with this man to bother.<P>Or maybe she finds nothing wrong with me, and just is enjoying the attention from all these men. When asked, she cannot say just what it is about me that she dislikes. She claims there is nothing I did to drive her to this affair. <P>I don't freaking know any more. I've thought I had it all figured out so many times, and it all comes around and I have no clue again. The only thing that remains the same is that she isn't willing to give him up. So it is time to see if she is willing to give me up.