My D day was 16/6/2000 my H could not decide who he wanted, we have been together 26 years, M 21 in november.<BR>I tried so hard to save us but in the end could not bear to live like i was any longer, knowing he was going out to be with her got to painful so i asked him to leave.<BR>That was 2 weeks ago, now im wondering if in the case of WS does being away and being able to see OW when you want and have her as a girlfried out in the open She is soon to be D,<BR>Does this make Ws feel happier or does it make them think about wife and kids more?<BR>what i need to know is it out of sight out of mind or absense makes the heart grow fonder.<BR>My H is still in deep deep fog, any answers will be welcome.

Lizzle,<BR>I am not a WS, but I know what you are asking....I think letting the WS go to persue their happiness will lift the fog from their eyes faster......Giving them full reign, should IMO, helps to let them see what they are really missing......in you and OW ( the fantasy of OW is over because there is no more hiding). See what I mean?<P>I don't have the answer, but just trust that you did the right thing, and try to Plan a as much as possible.<P>I am sorry for your pain, and hopefully your H will come out of the fog really soon...<P>Hugs, <BR>Krystal

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lizzle:<BR><B>Does this make Ws feel happier or does it make them think about wife and kids more?<BR>what i need to know is it out of sight out of mind or absense makes the heart grow fonder.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lizzle,<BR>This is all outlined in the Harley books....according to the books, especially Surviving an Affair, once the "happy couple" get to be together full-time, the "allure" and "fantasy bubble world" they have created begins to crumble. In the cold, hard light of day, they have to see each other for what they really are, and face everyday life just like you and he used to do.....warts and all. That means that she'll start to nag about his clothes lying around just like you used to....he'll get mad cause she leaves all her make-up crap all over the sink....you get the picture. <P>In other words, once you throw them into each other's arms, the A has lost its most powerful appeal, that of being "illicit" and exciting. Now, it's just 2 people living together, just the way countless millions of others do.....and "life" will invade their world. <P>I see it with my own WH. At first, I couldn't even get through to him, he didn't want to talk to me at all. Now, he's happy to hear from me, we talk for about an hour at a time! Granted, it's only once a week or so, but it's a lot more than I ever thought would happen. When he first left, he said, NO CONTACT> CALL MY ATTORNEY for anything you want me for. That hurt. Now, it's NO BIG DEAL, and he always sounds genuinely happy to talk, besides, if he didn't want to, he could always cut me off! "I gotta go, on my out," you get the picture.<P>There may be "triggers" that may make him think of his W and family, but don't count on it. They are still trying to live in a fantasy world, but it can't continue, so don't worry at all about it. She'll just end up being "just like my W" - a nag, b*tchy at that "time of month" or whatever. It WILL happen. After all, you didn't stay M all those years because you were HORRIBLE every minute. If you did, then your H was INSANE!!! (I doubt that!!)<P>Search for "Diary of a Madman" by [H]. It was "resurrected" this past week-end, so it may be in the GQII list from yesterday, or day before...it is very long, but I guarantee it'll be the BEST thing you'll ever read!! It's all there....how A's work, how the WS thinks, how he decides to leave it, etc......it was my LIFESAVER when this whole mess started.<P>Just hang in there for a loooong ride. It might takes MONTHS before he opens his eyes.....just sit tight, and stay close to here....there's LOTS of help here to get you through this, and get your M back on track.<P>Lupo

Hope you don't mind if I pop in on your thread here. Just wanted to say Wow to lupolady, I really needed to read what you replied, made total sense. Thanks Sally

Just stopped by to lurk a bit and couldn't help but give a response. <P>Hi lizzle, for me the separation has proven (or at least begun to prove) that separation isn't all I thought it'd be. Sure, it offers plenty of opportunity for me and OW be together, but now it's in almost the same setting that W and I had together!!! Sure, the absence of the kids helps maintain our nice little bubble, but the separation from them still hurts. <P>And guess what I have discovered...OW doesn't fare well at all in the domestic arena either!! Furthermore, I love to cook and have diverse tastes. W loves that I cook and enjoys everything I make. OW on the other hand would be happy if we ate frozen pizza every night. Going to a nice restaurant is almost embarassing because OW has very uncultured tastes. How do you enjoy a $100 bottle of fine wine with someone who'd rather be sipping a MaiTai? <P>Anyway, yeah the separation does allow a WS to spend more time with OW, and maybe even "play house", but I'm finding out that maybe my W was a better roommate in that respect. <P>I could go on more with details, but I'll spare you.<P>Hope that helps.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 24, 2001).]

Wow,<P>Those last posts were really encouraging to read. I hope that happens with my H too !

Hi all thankyou so much for your replies, they made me feel a lot better.<BR>This separation thing is so hard, im not contacting H at all and i do find it a struggle but i know i have to heal for the sake of my kids and myself.<BR>Thankyou for your honesty, i hope my H starts to lose a bit of the shine off the A if he is seeing more of her, he cant live there yet as her H is still there at weekends, all they have had is he stays there some nights when her h is away and recently he stayed a week when her kids were away.<BR>I think that just got him more addicted.<BR>That was the straw that broke the camels back by the way.<BR>Thanx again to you all<BR>Liz<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else