Last Monday, my H told me that he couldn't believe that I was still here (hanging in with the marriage) after all he'd done to me with the A. Last night was another story. 2 of our children had a HUGE fight. Screaming and Swearing at each other. (They got the screaming and swearing from me. I've been making great efforts to change since H left in March). Anyway, after talking to both children, my H went down to have a "heart-to-heart" with our son. My H has NEVER done that in 17 years of our son's life. My son has never talked to either of us for that long. Anyway, when my H came out, I said "how'd the talk go?" He said "great. There are some things that came out that I want to tell you, but it will make you mad..." I said "go ahead." H proceeded to tell me that our children (and him) do not see that I've made ANY changes in my anger. He says that our son hates it at home. H told S the truth about what's happened in the 2 1/2 months since H moved back (namely, that he's continued contact with OW, lied to me over and over) and that perhaps I had a reason for my anger towards H. Then H proceeded to tell me AGAIN that I should not take my anger out on the kids. I agree. While H was gone, he says I said "yes" to the kids too often. H says "no" all the time. We are in completely different worlds when it comes to the yeses and nos. So, I started having to say "no." When I do that, the kids tell that I've not changed. I do NOT feel I can win here. I feel that H will never forgive me for the last 2 years (the amount of time he says he's had to endure my anger). I admitted from day 1 that I acted inappropriately, and have been going to counseling to deal with it. I HAVE made changes. Whenever H is faced with any situation where he might be uncomfortable (for instance, I was sad last night when he was there; thinking about his A, the continued lies, etc.) it always, ALWAYS comes back to him not knowing how he's going to forgive me...Do I stand a chance????<P>I'm going tonight to get some anti-depressants. I really felt last night like "what is the point of my being on this earth, if my kids do not think I've made any changes, if my H doesn't see I've made any changes, what am I here for?"<BR> <P><BR>MOM<BR>

Hang in there.<P>I do not know your story, but this reminds me of me sometimes telling my H that I can't see that he has made any progress. It is not true of course, but it is how I feel at the moment. It is hard to trust people's changes until you see a good, long track record of the changed behavior...and it is hard to give credit before you really, truly trust the changes.<P>Accept that it may take more time. Don;t argue about what "is", tho it would be fine to tell him "I am sorry you feel that way...I have really been trying and am still trying."<P><BR>Kathi

MOM,<P>Don't get too discouraged. In my case, my W (the WS) is expecting me, even waiting on me, at any point to become critical, to make everything that goes wrong her fault. Well, she is still expecting it and one small slip-up, no matter how small, is usually enough for the spouse to justify their opinion. You've been working hard and looking for advice. You obviously are trying to change. I seem to slip back into my old habits when I feel that my W doesn't respect my judgements or doesn't take part in the POJA. It kind of builds in me when my W doesn't give me any encouragement or show indication that she wants the M to work.<P>Maybe you and your H could talk about the LB and EN questionnaires. If you've already done these, maybe revisit them. Something is obviously triggering your anger and you and your H need to figure that out. With the kids, you need to negotiate and agree on a discipline plan and other issues. It sounds like you need to invite him in to help reach some agreement so that that kids see consistent parenting and guidelines coming from both of you. It would be a good idea for both of you to discuss the problem and arrive at an agreed upon solution before either of you says yes or no to them. Good luck and have a great weekend. <BR>SG

Thanks for the input. My anger right now at my H stems from the fact that he moved home 7/6, telling me contact was over. He's repeatedly lied and started contact again and again. Last week, I said he needed to leave until he was absolutely done with the A. So he says that to my son, that for the last 2 1/2 months, my anger towards H is justified, but again, says I'm taking it out on the kids. I spoke to my son a bit ago, and he says that I HAVE changed. Things HAVE gotten better, and that he was just mad at me last night. He said he would be more open with me about his feelings in the future. That made me feel a little better...

Mom, one (IMO) who is angry alot is cause they choose to be, it is a coping mechanism arising out of a natural phenomena....flight ot fight, when we feel threatened we do one or the other, anger being fight, terror being flight, both marshall all our biochemical resources for a single focus.....survival. The power of anger is obvious, and why it's use is so universally widespread.....but when used to problem solve it generaly has very undersireable side effects. There is reason to be angry with husband, your family is threatened, your expectations are threatened. But of course, your husband is not the enemy (well that is tricky, he may be if you feel your childrens welfare is threatened). Anyways, in the absence of other coping mechanisms you remain angry, until depression makes you stop caring. In the case of marital disharmony the coping mechanism of choice seems to be plan a, a focus on you and what you can do, and a letting go of control of spouse, or the marital outcome. And of course there are all sorts of other coping mechanisms one can learn (and plenty of info available), but until you decide to just stop, you will continue to use anger, because you are use to, and comfortable with it. If you successfully stop (not by being a doormat, but by learning other ways of enforcing boundaries), you will be a different person, everyone around you will then have to change too That might or might not save your marriage, but you will be much better able to live with either outcome successfully, and be a better parent. I suspect you have changed, feedback from others is important, but take it with a grain of salt, you probably know the truth. In a way anger is like any other crutch, you can stop it, and will, when you want to. Good luck.