Hello,<BR>I need help. My H spent the day here yesterday because my grandparents(in their 80's and don't know about our separation) came to visit for the day.<P>H and I and kids had a good day. After G-parents left, he stayed and cut the grass, I did all the trim work, we took some trash to the dump, went to McDonalds for ice cream and had a big conversation about our divorce.<P>The reason he didn't want to sign the agreement was because I put in the papers that he couldn't take the children in the presence of the OW or her child. He took this to mean that he couldn't take them to his place. I was a bit unsure as all this time he has been telling me the house was divided into 2 living spaces and he rented half.<P>Well, I had previously suspected that once their affair started that both spaces were opened up to make one large space. What I didn't know is the real extent of this arrangement. Apparently this house was given to the OW by her father and it was remodeled. She has to pay her dad back the cost of remodeling so she decided to take on a roomate. They originally said house is divided but it boils down to the fact that my H has his own Bedroom and fridge. They share a common dining room, family room, laundry room and there is only one bathroom in the house so they share that too.<P>In other words, they are romantically involved roomates.<P>The problem is that my H doesn't seem to understand the negative effect this living arrangement can have on the kids. I was ready to give up fighting to keep them away from OW and let them start regular visitation with thier Dad every other weekend but now I'm not sure again.<P>I have asked him again to move and he refuses. He must have gotten a good deal on rent since he has no privacy. It infuriates me to think he put himself in this position to start with. Now he wants to drag the kids into it too.<P>I want my kids to see their Dad. Not only do they love and need him to be in their lives, I need the break sometimes. I will be a much better person, parent and employee if I get a break every once in a while. <P>I just don't know what to do. My lawyer says the courts require the children to be in a proper moral environment. He says that H can't be "shacked up" with OW. Well, that pretty much describes the situation except he has his own bedroom. I just don't know what to do.<P>I feel like I'm damaging my children and myself by not making H share in the responsibility of raising the kids and having solid visitation. For 6 months, I have accomodated his every need. If we go to this schedule he will have kids every other weekend no matter what and if he has to work, it will be his problem to find childcare. He says he has not discussed this with OW yet. <P>He says OW is a good person and that he would trust our kids in her care. I think that her taking care of our kids would drive a wedge between my H and her because she would grow tired of having to sacrifice every other weekend to take care of them. I don't want to jeopardize(sp?) my children's mental health. What should I do? They already know about OW and the living arrangement. My H promises that he would never put them in a bad moral environment. <P>I still think he needs to move. Even if he continues to see her and we proceed with divorce, he needs to move out on his own until the divorce is final. Yes this would be more expensive and harder on him but do I really care??? Is it my problem??/<P>If I allow kids to start visitation, I have to find a way to go to a strong plan B. I need to eliminate contact myself. I keep allowing myself to get drawn to H (not physically) but we really are such good friends and I am so comfortable with him that I crave to be around him.<P>How do I stop these feelings? Where the *ell is Mike when I need him?????? Please someone tell me what to do. I feel like I'm going crazy.<P>If I agree to visitation, my H will sign the agreement which will assure that I keep the house, my savings account balance, and my pension/profit sharing balance. It is a good deal even though I'm assuming all debt, in the long run, I will come out ahead by not spliting my retirement nestegg.<P>I do not want to keep kids from their Dad. That could cause them mental problems too and I only want to do what is best for them. Any suggestions? Should we agree to a trial basis for 2 to 3 visits to see how things go? I suggested we see a family counselor to help sort this out? Is that a good idea? <P>As of right now, our children 5 & 10 do not know we are getting a divorce. They know we get along well and enjoy doing family things when he is here and they see him leave. If I agree to visitation, we will have to explain this to children first.<P>Please help!!!!!! I'm desparate and H needs to sign papers tomorrow. Lawyer is ready to have him served but has to have this arrangement to attach to papers.<P>Thanks in advance!!<P>Lynn<P>

((((((((((Lynn)))))))))))))))))<P>I didn't want my H to see OW as I think you know, so I moved countries...<P>CAN a divorce paper actually say that he can't have children and OW together? I know it's obvious to all of us that the confusion and hurt that can arise from this can really devastate the children, but I didn't think it could be stopped by law. If it can, then I would most certainly do it, because I am just that way, BUT, I also know this, and Mike would bring this to my attention too, I believe:<P>I would not want my children in OW's company because I hate her for her part in splitting my marriage up. I think she has no morals to take away my H from his children. I think she is therefore not a good person for my kids to be around because she is so selfish. BUT this really means, at the very basic level, that I am jealous . <P>YES it's true and I admit it !!! I don't want her being nice to them either, playing mummy for them, giving them hugs or kisses...they are MY children and I don't want her touching them. That is jealousy, I know. She's got my H, she ain't having them too.<P>So, Mike would now say, "Good girl, you're getting to the real issue here, now, push that aside and really think if that feeling of jealousy in you is going to hurt your children too?"<P>Well, I don't like MY answer to that one...what's yours Lynn?<P>

<Wiping sleep from eyes><BR>Still in the morning fog here, but your posting caught my attention.<P>You have so many emotions attached to this current situation I'm sure. And it's a difficult issue for sure.<P>It's common for divorce agreements to include that alimony should end if co-habitation begins with another person, however this one is so unclear because your H is somewhat legitimately renting space from this woman. And once a divorce is final, the reality is that unless your H is receiving alimony from you and co-habitation will end that agreement, he will be free to do, live and date whomever he wishes. Hopefully he will use tact and good judgment on how and when to introduce another woman (whether it is the OW or not) to the children when it is appropriate. <P>While you are waiting for the divorce decree to be final though, I think it's fair that you stipulate that the children not be introduced to the OW. Once final, it's pretty much out of your hands though.<BR>I can see your side about not wanting the kids with the OW until they have asorbed this all and I can also see his side as he is kinda sorta renting a space and not co-habitating.<P>I guess I would ask that H live somewhere else temporarily until it's final, perhaps with another friend that is male? You could explain to him that it will be temporary to get him to see that it is merely in the best interest of the kids until they are fully able to understand the situation and have some time to deal with the emotions while the divorce goes thru. Counselling for them would be helpful too. <P>If you can both come to an agreement, ultimately it will be easier for the kids. If H and OW are going to be together on a more permanent basis (is that the plan? or are they winging it day by day?) it will be in the best interest of your kids to be eased into the situation. If it is to be a permanent "real" relationship, coincidentally bumping into OW because of living arrangements will be a way for them to ease into that living arrangement too. <P>I assume you wish for the kids to not be aware of all the gory affair details. If first they meet OW as dad's landlord and then ease into the relationship as if it happened because OW is the landlord (as opposed to being the OW), it will be something they think is a normal transgression of a relationship. Just something to think about to cause less stress in the future for the kids.<P>In the meantime.. try to get him to at least temporarily move away from OW, so that both you and he can focus on the kids. They are going to need both of your attention right now and have enough to deal with without also dealing with a new person in their life at the moment.<P>Good luck on coming to an agreement... wish you the best.<P>