Spiro,<BR>Hang in there and just do the right thing, be honest with yourself and the people your involved with then everything will fall into place. Take shortcuts and then your on your own. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Spiro,<P>I've been thinking about what I could say to be helpful to you. I feel inadequate because I don't have direct experience with what you are going through. I do know what I have read about withdrawal, though.<P>No one will tell you that it is not really hard. You will feel a great loss and go through a grief cycle similar to what people go through with any major loss. The hopeful news it that there is an end to the pain if you can outlast the discomfort. One thing I read is that any contact with the OM - any contact - will set you back to square one and you will have to start all over again with the grief cycle and the healing.<P>Have you made a plan? Are you ready to discuss divorce with your H? Where will you <BR>live if you separate? Are you going to tell him about OM? What will you do to distract yourself when the urge to contact OM is strong? Who do you have to share your feelings with and help you through? You need a person you trust to help you.<P>If you haven't done so, read Surviving an Affair. It will tell you what to expect in the way of withdrawal feelings. It may be helpful to know that others have felt what you do and have been successful. It will explain the No Contact letter in which you tell OM that you do not want him to attempt to contact you in any way and that you will not contact him or respond to any of his calls.<P>Knowing that the OM is not an honorable, trustworthy man of character will not make your sense of loss any less. But, Spiro, you deserve more in life than what a man like this one has to offer. Working with the MB concepts will help your next relationship be the right one.<P>May God give you the strength to be strong. You can do this. (((Spiro)))<P>Estes

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Spiro,<BR>I think Estes who is a great poster with excellent advice is just being nice and conciderant. Really you need to just be honest and do the right thing already, come on you talk about church & faith, "Well Do It". Believe me it works as it does for me.

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Another thing I have seen in a PLAYER is that they don't even realize the pain they put us through. I can understand how they look at this as their belief system is different from ours.<P>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Tomstocks ]<P>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Tomstocks ]<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Tomstocks ]

Estes, <BR>I agree with you that by applying the MB concepts to a relationship one can definetly buiild a longlasting, loving one.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tomstocks:<BR><STRONG>bump</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tom.<P> Estes is not only considerate and nice, but also WISE and caring.. I am working on doing the right thing. I knew he was going to call last night when he got back in town and I had my phone turned off. He left a message saying he would call me today, but guess what??? My phone will be turned off again.. You know how hard this is, if in fact you did break up with your girl friend. I think it will be awhile before I have enough nerve to walk back into a church. What I did was wrong, but I am certainly not cruel.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Estes49:<BR><STRONG>Spiro,<P>I've been thinking about what I could say to be helpful to you. I feel inadequate because I don't have direct experience with what you are going through. I do know what I have read about withdrawal, though.<P>No one will tell you that it is not really hard. You will feel a great loss and go through a grief cycle similar to what people go through with any major loss. The hopeful news it that there is an end to the pain if you can outlast the discomfort. One thing I read is that any contact with the OM - any contact - will set you back to square one and you will have to start all over again with the grief cycle and the healing.<P>Have you made a plan? Are you ready to discuss divorce with your H? Where will you <BR>live if you separate? Are you going to tell him about OM? What will you do to distract yourself when the urge to contact OM is strong? Who do you have to share your feelings with and help you through? You need a person you trust to help you.<P>If you haven't done so, read Surviving an Affair. It will tell you what to expect in the way of withdrawal feelings. It may be helpful to know that others have felt what you do and have been successful. It will explain the No Contact letter in which you tell OM that you do not want him to attempt to contact you in any way and that you will not contact him or respond to any of his calls.<P>Knowing that the OM is not an honorable, trustworthy man of character will not make your sense of loss any less. But, Spiro, you deserve more in life than what a man like this one has to offer. Working with the MB concepts will help your next relationship be the right one.<P>May God give you the strength to be strong. You can do this. (((Spiro)))<P>Estes</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Estes,<P> You have helped more than I can say. Thank you very much! You are a very kind and understanding person. Have you ever considered taking up counceling? Or do you do that already? <P>H and I decided to separate in Janurary. We don't have all the details worked out yet. We are both able to take care of ourselved financially. He knows I am seeing someone, but doesn't know the details. <P>I hope your family is doing well. Thank you for all your kindness....<P>By the way, I don't ever ever ever want another relationship. I am content being on my own.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I've taught 12 to 15 year-olds for 20 <BR> years. I can handle ANYTHING!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Seriously, my son's experience with DIL's infidelity has been a tremendous eye opener.<BR>I have learned so much through this gut-wrenching ordeal. I feel a bit like a MB evangelist. If I can help anyone, it's my privilege. I also have a special interest (due to my profession)in reducing the divorce rate because of the awful effects on children.<P>I have such respect for everyone here. It's a blessing for me to have found this site.<BR> <BR>Estes

Coping with Infidelity, Part 3:<BR> Restoring the Marital Relationship. Since an affair does not usually end the way it should, with complete separation from the lover, you may not find this column entirely relevant to you. In your case, your spouse's lover may still be a factor, and you will want to know how to restore your marital relationship with your spouse's lover standing in the wings. If you are in that position, I have addressed that topic in two other columns that I review below: "What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband" and "What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife." In short, it's hard enough to restore a martial relationship when a lover is finally out of the picture. BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE WHEN THE LOVER IS STILL HANGING AROUND!<P>This is under the infidelity section of Dr. Harleys and I find it very helpful. Also, his section under Preparing for Marriage called Choosing is very helpful.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tomstocks:<BR><STRONG>Coping with Infidelity, Part 3:<BR> Restoring the Marital Relationship. Since an affair does not usually end the way it should, with complete separation from the lover, you may not find this column entirely relevant to you. In your case, your spouse's lover may still be a factor, and you will want to know how to restore your marital relationship with your spouse's lover standing in the wings. If you are in that position, I have addressed that topic in two other columns that I review below: "What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband" and "What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife." In short, it's hard enough to restore a martial relationship when a lover is finally out of the picture. BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE WHEN THE LOVER IS STILL HANGING AROUND!<P>This is under the infidelity section of Dr. Harleys and I find it very helpful. Also, his section under Preparing for Marriage called Choosing is very helpful.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tom! Tom! Tom!<P> Who wants to restore their marriage? Certainly not me. All I want to do is get over this relationship with this other person. And if he is unhappy in his marriage like he says he is, then we will have a chance, but I want no part in his decision making... And if he is happy, then he is where he should be. Although, I can't understand how he or anyone else can have a close relationship with someone else and still profess to be in love with their spouse. I know, I couldn't. My marriage was LONG over before I got involved with anyone else. I thought everyone was like that. I don't believe you can love someone and then be involved with another person. <BR>I had plenty of offers from other men when this one came along. Stupid me! I thought, it was meant to be. I really did.. I thought, why else would all these feelings be involved. Live and learn I guess.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Estes49:<BR><STRONG> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I've taught 12 to 15 year-olds for 20 <BR> years. I can handle ANYTHING!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Seriously, my son's experience with DIL's infidelity has been a tremendous eye opener.<BR>I have learned so much through this gut-wrenching ordeal. I feel a bit like a MB evangelist. If I can help anyone, it's my privilege. I also have a special interest (due to my profession)in reducing the divorce rate because of the awful effects on children.<P>I have such respect for everyone here. It's a blessing for me to have found this site.<BR> <BR>Estes</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're a blessing to us. You know God uses people to help each other and I'm sure you being here is no accident...<P>My phone was just ringing. I thought, I had it turned off, but I DIDN"T ANSWER IT!!!!! See I'm getting there.<P>As Tom said, I have to be honest with myself and everyone else. But when I talk to him he makes me feel like this is all normal for us to be like this. Oh well, thank you for putting up with me.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Spiro:<BR><STRONG><P>You're a blessing to us. You know God uses people to help each other and I'm sure you being here is no accident...<P>My phone was just ringing. I thought, I had it turned off, but I DIDN"T ANSWER IT!!!!! See I'm getting there.<P>As Tom said, I have to be honest with myself and everyone else. But when I talk to him he makes me feel like this is all normal for us to be like this. Oh well, thank you for putting up with me.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Spiro, <BR>Fantastic you did the right thing and will feel better, remember everyone here is here for good reasons [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Spiro:<BR><STRONG><P>You're a blessing to us. You know God uses people to help each other and I'm sure you being here is no accident...<P>My phone was just ringing. I thought, I had it turned off, but I DIDN"T ANSWER IT!!!!! See I'm getting there.<P>As Tom said, I have to be honest with myself and everyone else. But when I talk to him he makes me feel like this is all normal for us to be like this. Oh well, thank you for putting up with me.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Spiro, <BR>Come to think of it if he insists on calling you, you can always give him some Love Busters [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (just kidding). Beleieve me they do work and can put an end to things but there are better ways. Time is the best medicine and every healing process requires time, for me every passing day of just watching her actions is helping me and now it's to the point of No Return. I made an inventory list (good/bad) of her actions and now its clear to me (the fog has lifted). <P>Did you ever hear the saying "Follow Your Heart" well that only works when the other person is of high quality and character/morals as if its a player you will just get hurt. We get into situations (myself) were our heart tells us to do one thing and our mind (reality) tells us to do the opposite. Well with time if you analyze and watch the situation it becomes clear and you do the right thing and thats when its finally over. Healing starts to happen more quickly and it becomes apparent that moving on is for the best! It feels great & when one starts to feel good thats another good sign. The destructive behavior stops and good things follow. Believe me because this is where I am right now! I notice you mentioned church & I think that is great as it helps me alot. I've been going in the morning then I goto a new athletic club that I just joined. It's good to replace bad habits with good ones. <P>Like in sports or business when the chips are down, you must step it up a notch and focus. Another saying: "Don't Throw Good Money After Bad". <P>God Bless, Tom

I just wanted to jump in here and say what a wonderful post this is. It has given me a lot of things to think about. Thank you so much.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR><STRONG>I just wanted to jump in here and say what a wonderful post this is. It has given me a lot of things to think about. Thank you so much.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi Dumplin & thank you, <BR>I noticed some of your other posts and I see your H is musician, I can understand were that can be hard for you at times. It's something like a bartender or club owner were they are in a position to get hit on (ALOT) by other people. It goes with that lifestyle. Like with infidelity (when affairs happen) Dr. Harley always states that one must end ALL contact with the other person or it usually doesn't work, he even goes as far as to suggest relocating or change jobs.<P>Well welcome to our thread and we are here whenever you need to vent or just say hello [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] We have some good people here!<P>Tom<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Tomstocks ]

Good night everyone [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tomstocks:<BR><STRONG>bump</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]