Burns,
I know this is very difficult for you, cause I’ve been there & still have struggles as to what is best course of action with regards to investigative work or surveillance with my D(arling) W. <p>I will say up-front that I don’t completely understand the Plan A thing & I think many people do not apply it’s intent in the right way. I feel I have evolved a little bit in this process, perhaps because of with the passage of time, I have worked through a grieving kind of process and also I have worked through a modification of my attitude.<p>I wholeheartedly agree with the idea that plan A is to focus on us & our well being and outlook to try (as hard as it is!) to feel good about ourselves & therefore project a good image – one of confidence & kindness. I have come to learn that it makes since that if we’re going to win the attention of our S back, we’re not going to be appealing if we continually whaler (sp?) in self-pity & are nagging & policing. <p>If you read any of my post, you know I talk a lot about the James Dobson book, “Tough Love” – I should hasten to add that this is for your eyes only –not your S! That part sounds enticing, huh?<p>I do not agree with the idea that we are suppose to sit ideally bye while our S continues seeing OP & pretend this is not a problem & let the thing die of natural causes – this is where Dobson’s book offers a different perspective! <p>Like others have said, this is where you need some understanding from your W or an agreement if you will, that for you & her are to continue a marital relationship, you are not sharing her with OP. Sorry if this seems too blunt or insensitive! This I think has to be starting place to re-build the new marital relationship. This is where the no contact letter & such things come into play. If she has verbalized agreement to no contact, yet continues, this in my opinion, is a breech of contract, so to speak & another course of action or steps must be considered. Now here is the difficult part – we as BS must come to the realization that perhaps this marital relationship is not meant to be & we must face the reality that we may have to face life’s challenges without this S of ours. IMO, if we can get a grip on this fact – which is not all easy! I now (cause I have not always had this perspective!) believe this liberates our way of thinking to focus on our own best interest & it establishes a whole new dimension in how we interact with our S, in whom we want to try our very best to salvage a marital relationship! I don’t know if I am making sense? As I try to express these things it helps me crystallize my own thinking about this.
Coming to grips with the idea that we may in fact lose our S and accepting this potential, IMO can help free our mindset to act in perhaps a more mature way & not be so “needy,” which is perhaps a natural reaction, but one that may not be particularly attractive to our S! Like I say, this has been difficult for me!
I’m not saying we give up & kick our S out – I’m saying you need to consider how is best way to handle these things – that is why you are asking! Sometimes there may be more than one best way to handle the situation & get to where we want to go – For sure though, and this has been a difficult lesson for me. We cannot control what our S does or thinks of course. We can however, be more clear as to what is our position & how we feel when & if they choose to do certain things (like have contact with OP!) and what our intended action will be -- but it is from a perspective of what is good for us – not to dictate to our S how they should act – it is their own free will – Like I have said, this has been very difficult for me & I think your reactions are very understandable & somewhat normal!<p>Your W I am sure, is very confused and has certain guilt feelings & does not know what she wants – our goal is to help her figure this out – and to win her back! Sometimes, we need to take certain steps that may seem dramatic –like Plan B kinds of things, to give our S sufficient reasons to look at the situation with more reality & thus more substantial reasons to change. Eventually the WS has to get a real clear picture that they cannot have their cake & eat it too. I believe the idea of plan A is that we re-group to take a good hard look at how we can better meet our S’s needs & impress them that we are the best choice, but eventually if they continue with contact, for example, we have to take different approach in that we are not going to be the proverbial “doormat!” in the relationship. Always polite, but many times we do have to be firm! My bottom lone is that I tend to not be very in tolerant of idea of any continued contact – <p>My $.02 worth!
Peace,
HH
