Hello, I lurk most of the time. I don't get acess to the computer alot either. I am the BS. I have been married almost 10 years and we have one daughter together. My husband is in an affair with a woman he works with. I have read about plan A and B and have read a lot of the articles on MB. Since I learned about the affair my life is in a shambles. I am drinking too much since the affair started. I can't seem to get out of a depression. I am not the same person as I was before I knew about his affair. He is threatning to leave lately. We had a good marriage before he met this woman he says he just has so much in common with her and he felt sorry for her and became her friend and then one thing led to another. He told me he loved bothe of us but I am so tired of fighting for him and with all of my problems with the affair I know he is spending more time with her. He talks about how cheerful and wonderful she is to him. I do not know how to stop this destructive behavior. She is going to win. I don't think I have the stregnth to win. I read the storys here and wonder how everyone does plan A when they are being cheated on too. I need your strength. If you have any suggestions of how I can get this strength I will be checking in. <p>smm<p>[ December 15, 2001: Message edited by: saving_my_marriage ]</p>

Hi SMM,<p>I'm so sorry you're going thru this. You don't deserve this betrayal. The strength you're seeking is in you, but there are things you need to do for yourself to find it.<p>First I'd say you need to stop drinking ... alcohol is a depressant in itself and is only increasing your situational depression from the A.<p>Next, you should see your doctor for anti-deps, there are very few folks I know that can make it thru an A or Plan A or B without them. I was one who kicked and screamed about taking anti-deps, but finally I did, and it has made a world of difference.<p>You can then start to Plan A your H. He has found himself in an A with OW because she met one or more of his needs. You must be meeting some of his needs as well because he is still at home with you. Make it safe for him to talk to you about what he's going thru and perhaps the A, then you may hear what needs OW is meeting. <p>Plan A is to get yourself strong and self examination of what your part was in the marriage problems. Plan A is about you being a better you, the best you you can be. <p>I hope I've helped. You're in my prayers, SMM<p>Love, Jo<p>[ December 15, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Dear Smm,<p>I am sorry for the pain you are in. Have you read the book by Dr. James Dobson, 'love must be tough'? It is a good book for those dealing with this anger period. <p>I felt as you did also, that was over 1 year ago. Still reeling with the awful after effects like many here and look, we are still here. <p>See? It is possible to survive. I am older, wiser, worn and alive. Still here. You will be also. <p>Use this time wisely. Your mind and body will take you in 2 different directions and your heart may pull you into a third direction. Then there are others, your family, friends, workmates, neighbors, H and the dreaded OW. <p>Build up your support group. They don;t have to know all the details, just how to be there to help you. <p>Post and vent here. If you need someone from here to talk with, let us know. We are from all over the place!!! Literally.<p>Your H will continue to act like a jerk. Recognize that for now and it will help. That way when you have to deal with him you already know his status. When he gets better then you can upgrade his status to 'normal human being' and then maybe up to the top as a 'loving H'. <p>Just a few comments. Wish I had categorized my H sooner. H has been in the jerk level for a long time. Might become habit forming. LOL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

SMM - I am an Alcoholic in recovery with AA. You must concentrate on you right now. If alcohol is a problem for you, and you are ready for help that will extend into the rest of your life, then I would suggest going to AA and work at bettering yourself.<p>That is what Plan A and B are mostly about, bettering yourself. Your H will not want to be with you until you show him the current you is not the REAL you. And if things don't work out with your M, you still need to get back to who you really are. IMHO this is what must be done first.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Gib

Hi
Also remember OW is "cheerful and wonderful"
because H is not cheating on OW.! Another good
book is "Tornasunder" I think it's called.
It explains the stages of an A for both the WS
and the BS. I was told about it by another
MB member. It helped me. Sounds like H is "fence sitting". Keep plan A-ing. I wish you luck.