well it's been almost a week since d-day #2. my husband read saa and is strongly for folling the book for recovery. we did enq. we have not done recovery agg. though. since finding out this affair was not just pa, but these two loved each other(my husband says he had very strong feelings for her)i know he hasn't been totally honest about coming clean about details of affair. i really need this and dont know what to do. i have made peace with what i already knew and havent used it against him or thrown it in his face. it is the stuff i dont know that hurts me. how do i start recovery if he is not willing to be honest yet. and i know as women we tend to remember "little details" much better than men, but im so tired of that excuse. like yesterday i found some receipts for a boom box and a portable cd player, very expensive ones, i own neither. the dates of receipts are during affair. i know, i know, i really do know the answer- i just need to hear it from him. i really need his honesty about this for me to heal and move on-i feel as though im being dishonest by not telling him how i feel. he has been trying so hard i dont want to ruin it. btw- do we ever get appologized to by ws, that is something that ticks me off. i appologized for my part in what went wrong, and got none from him yet. any advice would help, please.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

nikko,<p>Don't expect WS to appologize to you. I know that my WW will tell me that I am lucky that she gives me a chance. Everybody else told me to dump her !!!. The excuse is so lame, many of family freinds envy of her before d-day now they reject her !. Probably we will get it on their dead bed.<p>Get conseling w/ Steve or Jennifer. You need help to walk the path of recovery. You start resenting H and he is not came out clean. It seems like your familiy is not "do it yourself" type.

You are in Plan A. The sooner you recognize this, the better. In order to PREPARE for recovery, the WS has to separate from the OP for life, then the WS has to go through withdrawal from their addiction to the OP, THEN if both WS and BS are willing, they can move on to recovery.<p>If you have the book Surviving An Affair, turn to page 66, the first item on that checklist is for the WS to reveal information about the A to the BS. You can see my D-day below, and I'm STILL waiting to be able to check that very first item off the PREPARING for recovery checklist.<p>Now, I did get a lot of information after I gave my H the "puzzle letter", so that may help you.<p>http://www.suite101.com/mypage.cfm/contactliz/10633<p>Decide WHAT you want to know. I wanted to know everything that he knew, but some BSs don't want ALL the gory details. So first you have to decide how much you want to know. Then, state your request simply, along with what you said in your post, that you need this information so that you can process what happened and be able to contribute to recovery of the M. You can give him the puzzle letter and tell him that it explains perfectly why you need to know what you need to know.<p>THEN, drop it. If he gives you what you need, great! But if he continues to be vague and nebulous or not forthcoming--anything less than radical honesty--then you will know where you stand--Plan A with a WS not yet ready for recovery. Continuing to request this information from someone unwilling to give it is a fruitless endeavor, so just leave it alone until you see some sign of remorse and/or willingness on his part to follow the steps of recovery.<p>Sorry you're stuck at this point. Lots of us know the frustration.