So here is my update.<p>I haven't been able to post much lately due to the fact that I have been very busy with school and my new job. I work part time and go to school full time all day.<p>School is going wonderfully. I managed an scholarship and a percet GPA 4 out of 4, can't get any better than that! I have made wonderful friends too! We have all fun together at class, and we do a great job, it is wonderful to feel like an individual person again, after years of being stuck at home day after day never ever seeying the sun light and never talking to anybody appart from WH.<p>Work is wonderful too, I know my job, and my co-workers are great, they make me laugh, and we have fun doing what we do. I love being at work even when it is sometimes hard and tiring.<p>Everything is wonderful... wonderful but so awfull...<p>I never want to come home, I hate this trigger appartment, we are trying to get out very very hard, we got everything but the money to do so, my stupid neighbour was evicted yesterday so that is a definetly good thing, no more a@@hole waking us up at 3 am in the morning with loud music and all that.<p>But... always the but. I hate finishing school days, I hate going off from work, I don't want to. I don't want to see my husband at lunch time, I don't want to phone him, I don't want to see him at all. My day is mine, I like being myself at last! I am being myself people!!! And gawd does that make me feel happy!!!!<p>I don't want to comfront the creature that crept out of a hell hole, teared my soul, my heart, my dreams and then laughed at me for crying and suffering while he did it.<p>I don't want to see this degenerated man at all. He makes me sick to no end. <p>I thought this would make me love him more, I thought that being myself, being independant, having friends, would make me like him better, but it doesnt, it just makes me see that I am a person who is worth way more than the suffering he has put me through.<p><<<continues before the browser crashes>>>>

So I find myself sitting in the car with this man, a man I thought I knew and who I loved no so long ago.<p>I find myself letting my brain go off, wonder, and the memmories of all the sick things he has done come flowing down. <p>His A with a elder married woman who was his family (before he met me), and who pretended (or perhaps didn't pretend, who knows anymore?), to be my friend. How he had the very nerve of sleeping with this woman on her husbands house, on her husbands bed, and even for sure when her kids were around, if not in front of them since they were too little to even rememeber.<p>It is sick, how he lied to me, how he let her husband make passes at me, ridiculize me, and try to pretend it was nothing, and even have fun with it. <p>It all makes my blood boil. It makes my blood boil to know he lied to me so much, also about with EA and PA with his ex, how he threw my life down the garbage and didn't even have the decency to tell me so I could goddammmed pack my freaking bags and go before it was too late.<p>I am mad, and I am tired. I don't deserve this, I deserve SO MUCH FREAKING BETTER! I deserve someone that will love ME enough to tell me the truth about everything. Someone that doesn't disgust me.<p>Yes yes yes. He helped me to go back to school, he helped me getting the job, he did all that, and I thought it was the way to go, but you know what??? The most I know him the most I hate him. <p>The most I am away, the better I get, the happier I am, the more I smile, and everybody notices that.
Everybody knows that when he comes in my laughter and good mood go away. I am a happy person, I smile and laugh, like to make other people smile and laugh too, but when he is around, I cry I only can cry and despair.<p>I hate this I don't know what to do.<p>A part of myself tells me it is time to divorce, let myself finish my school on MY own. Get a dorm room, whatever, get a roomate and divorce this [censored].<p>The other part of me, the good and compationate, makes me be nice to him, try to compose a smile for him, try to love him, try to forgive him, but it is awfully difficult. I treat him to dinner, I try to pay his debts, I try to find the perfect Valentines gift, something that he has always asked for, I even plan for a B-day bash for him.<p>It is difficult, there is no clarity from him. His memmories seem to have been magically erased. He doesn't know why the OW stopped phoning, he doesn't know what they did after boinking. He doesn't know anything, and that is really really enervating, since the last time he said he didn't know, didn't remember, he was just covering his sorry butt.<p>I am losing love for my WH as time goes by, I don't want to, is it time to Plan B?<p>Is it time to give up?<p>I know I still love him and I still can't imagine waking up without him. He is sweet, attentive and tries his best to fulfill my needs, but could it be too late???<p>Please people I need some help.

Your story sounds lo ve, and hate... you are on different ends of the spectrum , you must know this... he needs to do something different... and you both need to follow true path of recovery, I assume, or hope you have saa book, if not get it, and start doing surveys and following radical honesty, etc... I am sorry, get in thereapy... together... it is a must... to svae the marriage.<p>good luck, honey

Okay, based on my experience.....<p>TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS!!!<p>My WW sounds like you in some ways - held so much in for so long. If you keep doing that, you WILL be PRIMED for an affair yourself.<p>So the choice really IS yours. Only you know if there's even a glimmer of hope to save your M. I suppose you could ask yourself, "If H changed in way X, Y and Z, could I be happy?" If there's absolutely nothing he can do, and you're absolutely certain about that, then you've got some decisions to make.<p>But at least talk about it honestly and openly. Radical honesty hurts sometimes, but it's better than the alternative.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Well, I'm going to give a little bit different point of view because I'm very close to your wavelength (I posted a thread recently called Is is time for Plan B when your WS makes you sick?). Sometimes my disgust is so great that being around him actually makes me feel like throwing up. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, for what it's worth, I'll share how I'm processing it. I can file for D at any time. I don't have to be married to this unlikable man for one more moment if I don't want to. There, it already feels better, doesn't it? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Then I think about what I should do and how I might feel later on down the road. Remember back when you got married? Could anyone have told you then that you'd ever feel differently about your H than you did right then? Probably not. So now we know how drastically our feelings can change, don't we? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So I figure it cannot hurt to do the Harley plan with a 6-month Plan A followed by an 18-month Plan B. If the M does not survive, then that gives me time to get myself where I need to be before I attempt another R.<p>If and when it results in my H FINALLY deciding to contribute to marital recovery, then I can cross that bridge if and when it actually shows up. If I can't stand him by the time he "gets it", then I have the power of saying yes or no. It is MY choice for a change.<p>If by that time I feel any attraction to him again (remember, he'd have to change DRASTICALLY to get to the point where he recognizes his own responsibility, so that might actually make him attractive again--who knows? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ), then maybe the M can be rebuilt.<p>In the meantime, in my worst moments, what helps me be really nice to him is recognizing that the nicer, more loving, desirable, attractive, need-fulfilling, non-LBing I am in Plan A, the harder the fall when the doormat (me [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) is yanked out from under him when I go to Plan B. Not the nicest motivation for Plan A, I agree, and who knows what a therapist would say about it, but since our Love Banks are so bankrupt anyway, we might as well do the right actions even if we can't do them for the "right" reasons.<p>When he loses me, I want it to be a BIG loss. There are no guarantees that Plan A/Plan B will result in him finally deciding to take some responsibility for a good M, but I can guarantee myself that if it doesn't, then I've gotten some kind of justice (revenge maybe? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) for the pain and humiliation heaped on me.

this is my .02 worth....but u know? that is a feeling that comes with "healing" emotionally. as U heal within...u change period. being locked in the house isnt anyway to deal with things either [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>on a side note: all thi talk of counseling?? what about $$$?? i know that I do not have $145.00
per session for harleys.....or $400.00 or more for weekends or anything else...not that i wouldnt if i could..but i absolutley CANT. so where does that put those who cant afford it? divorce?<p>just venting [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>mercy
ws

Mercy,<p>I'm in the same financial boat, so that's why I'm here so much--to get as much input and insight as possible. Also, reading all the books I can helps give me more ideas. May not save me from D, but at least I'm doing all I can with the resources I do have. There's so much collective experience to draw on that I think we can get plenty of benefit from helping each other here, and the price is sure right! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]