My wife has said on more than one occasion that she deserves to be punished for the pain that she has caused me, our children, the OM, his wife and children as well. She has stated this to her counselor as well and counselor is trying to help her deal with it.<p>A few facts.<p>She was sexually abused as a child by her grandfather.<p>She has been treated in past for suicidal thoughts.<p>The OM is 17 years older than her and moved out from his home a month prior to my wife moving 1000 miles to move in with him.<p>The OM wife (who was married to him for 30 years) filed for divorce 2 weeks after the OM left her and apparantly didn't know about my wife until 3 months after she moved in with him.<p>Main form of SF during affair was her performing oral sex almost daily which she didn't care for (when she stated it she had look of mild disgust on her face) but did it to please him.<p>Wife on antidepressants for past 3 weeks and is in counselling for depression. During affair was as close to suicide as I have ever seen her (she mentioned it several times during affair but has not mentioned it lately and for the most part is happier than I have seen her in years. She states that for the most part she is very happy now but depression hits her once in awhile.<p>During recent longterm bout of flu and on way home from emergency room stated that she felt that God was punishing her.<p>So what should I say when I am holding her on those occasional times when she breaks down and cries about pain she has caused other man (and everyone else) and says she deserves to be punished for it?

<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>

Getting very tired,<p>I really feel for you, that's a tough place to be for the both of you right now. I have little or nothing to say I just wanted you to know that somebody out here read your post.<p>Get the professional help you need to deal with this - that's the best way. In the meantime, have strength and hold your wife when she needs it. Maybe you don't have to say anything [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>take care my friend,<p>- Freddy

She sounds like me...grandfather, depression...
Just be there for her. Let her cry. Tell her the things you've loved about her. Tell her the affair is over and now, you can move on. Everyone will move on. Have her come to this site...(unless you need a lot of support dealing with these things--sorry, haven't read any of your other posts). I wonder if she finds value in poetry. Expose only uplifting poetry. Find her good music to listen to. Music helps me when I'm depressed (upbeat stuff), but ask her first if she wants to listen...she'll appreciate the consideration. I'm on Zoloft. Antidepressants take a couple of weeks to work, but they can work wonders. Professional help is very important right now. You may need some too. My H has been through the ringer with me and I think sometimes he needs some counseling.
hoping4(the best)

Another thing that helped me was the book and workbook "The Search for Significance." That helped me know that God loves me no matter what. Otherwise, why would He send Jesus? Who would pay that kind of price for something that's worth was easily degradable? Not so, God loves us and our worth is constant, unaffected by anything we do. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Forgiven Forever by Joe Beam is a good book to read - he wrote Becoming One and in his seminaras he teaches the MB principles.<p>He recommends readign FF when a spouse has these feelings - there is even a section on past child abuse - the book is to get the spouse to realize that they are forgiven and that they can move on.<p>His story is that he is a minister and had an addiction - actually left his wife and kids for 3 years but then returned, and now works on building marriages - his seminar is called New Beginnings and Love, Sex and Marriage.<p>It may help to read. Wife also seems to need to talk to a priest or minister to help her through this feeling of guilt. God is love and mercy it's self, and forgives everybody for everything, although it's such a simple concept it's difficult for us to accept.<p>If she was interested, she should also read anything about Saint Sister Faustina and The Chaplet of The Divie Mercy. It really puts God's love for us in perspective. If she's not ready for any of this. Just pray for her, that God will help her through this, and He will. K