Over the last 2 months since finding out about my wife's EA, she has continued to lie, hid things, and avoid truths. I have gradually improved on not asking talking about, controling expressions of feelings, etc., or LB in many ways (even though most of anything I do or dont do is a love buster to her)Well today I very calmly asked her about some phone calls to him, when she said that they hadn't been happening. So she got very defensive of course and it led to one of biggest arguements yet. I broke down and finally called the OM 's wife and his employer (he is my wife's supervisor. So my wife called the police to the house. Things were never verbally or intentionally physical threatening so I feel she did this out of anger as I did my phone calls. Fortunately I am the one being betrayed, I knew the two officers as I am on the fire department, so the officers were more sympathetic to me. Not that it really mattered. Additionally, I told our 11 year old daughter in the middle of the arguement that her mother is moving out this week because she is having an affair and cheating on us as a family - Huge mistake especially when we have kept the 3 kids out of pretty much everything.
It doesn't end there though. I called the OM 's wife as I left a message, and he answered. After a few choice words, calmly but irratated, he stated he was filling harrassment charges against me. Not a big thing because all that he really knows is that Im notifying his wife and that Ive driven by his house before.
But wait there is more. I went to work shortly after all this. My wife took the kids out for dinner to stop further exposure and argument. So of course as the idiot that I am, I called to find out how the kids were doing. Of course this led to more discussion so now she has decided its time to move out and sell our home. This is something we had briefly talked about or considered. Now it is happening. SHI*. But I presented her with my position regarding I cant take this any more. She needs to commit to at least the family - she sees only my reactions affecting the family, but not her actions that lead to my reactions - and stop doing things that are hurting me, us, and the family. If her feelings dont change, then they dont change but her attitude and actions can and do need to change. If after this time, she still feels the same, then at least I will be emotionally exhausted and more willing to accept her decision of divorce. But unless she is willing to make that committment, I cannot continue as things are. I have suppressed pain, frustration, anger, etc. for her sake and it is tearing me up, affecting my physical and emotional health, my work and career, and the kids. Todays actions made her decide.
There is some relief that the angony may be over soon. But mostly there is pain that my marriage, my life as I know it, my current very healthy relationship with the kids, my wife, and my once upon a time happiness are over also.<p>So now what.<p>Panaju<p>By the way - PANAJU
3 kids - PAige, NAthaniel, JUlianne
PA NA JU

my friend I am in exactly the same situation you are my WW is going to live in a shelter for single moms with our 18 month old S, i have offered her anything she needs, she thinks i am trying to be controlling, OMG she will not listen to reason, I am still furious with her and her selfishness at this point, i feel my only move is to file for DV so that i can protect my S. I am still too angry to finish this post . . .. catch up with you soon.<p>for the love all things decent and humane, pull your WWHOOYA, isnt this frustrating beyond words?

Panaju, <p>I think that what is happening is that you are starting to lose way too many love units for your WS. You have been pushed to a point that your love for her is suffering drastically and it may be time to consider Plan B. I am a firm believer that you are responsible to protect yourself and your children first and your spouse second while they are in the selfish I want it all and I want you to let me have it mode. <p>Plan A is about looking at what things that you may have done within the marriage that helped lead to the state of the marriage before the A started and making changes within yourself based upon those finding to make yourself a better person and a better potential partner. Hopefully during this process your spouse will see those changes and consider the marriage a more attractive alternative to the A. This may or may not be the reason that the A dies a natural death and that is where Plan B comes in. <p>A person can only Plan A for so long without seeing any fruits for the labor and only you know where your limit is. When you hit that limit you need to move to Plan B to save what love you have left and to protect yourself from further emotional damage. It seems you may be reaching that limit. Get your plan together, think it through and then post here for ideas. Do not make any decision without thinking it through. It may be good for her to have to get out there and face these things alone. <p>And you did not blow it. You had a set back. Now it is time to look at that set back and decide if it is likely that if you stay in Plan A that more of them will occur or if you can put this behind you and Plan A for longer. The risk of staying in Plan A too long is that your spouse begins to take it for granted or that you LB more often and worse. <p>Consider your options and hang in there. We are here for you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by panaju:
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So now what.<p>Panaju<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>Panaju- (clever how you arrrived at your screen name)<p>I'm in a situation where I am asking the same question. Unfortunately, I'm finding out that my W has been involved in the second A for about 7 months. My W is also being dishonest and deceitful and thinks she is not hurting the kids.<p>So now what? Here's what Steve H. advised me to do: 1) tell your W you know why recovery isn't working and tell her some of what you know and then see if she reveals the truth to you. 2) Ask your W what she wants to do next. Is it keep things the way they are or work on a new plan to repair the marriage?<p>Unfortunately, my W denied everything I presented in step 1. She thinks I'm bluffing and fishing for information. She wants me to reveal my information so she can know what she can confess to. You seem like you are in a slightly different situation as it appears that your W knows you know about the A and OM. But this still might be a useful step in getting everything out on the table.<p>The second step really puts the focus on your W. What does she want to do? Don't lead her on. Tell her you need to hear from her. Allow her come up with some kind of answer. Don't force it. You obviously don't want to separate so don't suggest that to her. Only think about recovery and suggest possible counseling.<p>Letting the kids know like that was a bad idea. A set back. She may now try to turn them against you. You've got to be strong and keep them out of this for their sake. Contacting OM before letting your W know this was also a bad idea. However, it is now done and you need to know from your W what she wants to do. If she wants to stay and not separate, then there have to be new guidelines.<p>Well, I'm probably rambling. I'm not as good at this as Steve. I'm hot and heavy in the middle of this delema this week. Good luck to you and on regaining your composure.<p>HoFS

Have you considered counseling with the Harley's. A couple of sessions by yourself might be very helpful.<p>I can certainly understand how you feel about your wife's affair. Plan A is meant to be a short term sitution until you spouse agrees to no contact and to work on the marriage. Or she leaves the family home. It's her choice.<p>This said, your angry outbursts will only serve to further alianate her. A person can say and do all they need to without it being an outburst. They can even call the OM's wife in a way that does not get the OM involved.. like never leave a message, speak to her personally. You really need to get a grip on our emotions, as hard as it is. She will exploit every thing she can. Don't give her ammunition.<p>As for your wife moving and taking the children, please see an attorney. My experience is that she cannot remove them from the family home without your permission. No not let her take them. You have as much right to be their father as she has to be their mother.

First of all, YOU blew it? How did YOU blow it? She had the affair and now YOU are feeling guilty about this? UHHHHHH-UHHH! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I believe that everyone is entitled to know what and how the affair happened. I believe it's essential to growth. How can anyone bury the hatchet when there is a huge unknown? Her refusal to talk with you about this is HER problem and only she can change her decision to communicate (or not). <p>Focus on you and YOUR happiness. You cannot make her do something she isn't willing to do. <p>Do the things that you like to do, focus on your growth, focus on your happiness. And do not retaliate. That doesn't help. No one wins in an argument, the MUTUAL goal should be resolving the issue. But if only one person tries, what can you do? Nothing except look after your own self.<p>Good luck and much love,
Clear

thanks for the reply, ther are a few things I need to reply about for further carification, but I'll do so a little later.<p>Wanted to get the thanks in before this message gets bumped down to far<p>Panaju

I also feel that I am losing love units for my wife. 90 % of the time I feel more love for her than I did prior to her affair (which confuses me and really confuses her), but the other 10 percent I am so angry at the hurt she has caused me and starting to cause the family. I hate it when I feel that I dont care and have the apathy to her as she does me. To some part that is good because I can focus on me and the 3 kids and not dwell on what she is doing or not doing. I have done plan A as it should be, but have only done a fair job and holding certain things in,and not LB, but sometimes it is worse to hold things in. I have taken steps for plan B, but it's hard because it is what my mind tells me but my heart so does not want it. I did tell her why things are not working. She has no desire to make things work, but she has no desire to proceed to plan b or Dv. I just cant handle the fence sitting any longer. I asked that if she cant commit to me, then at least commit to the family unit and kids and stop the A and the deceipt, or it is time to move on. She has decided to move on. She does not see it at all that she is lacking commitment to family, just me. Very hurtful, but answers the question. She likes to keep pushing me to these limits because it makes things easier for her. I understand this, but only occasionally do I let her do this.
I talked with my daughter the next day, and had to try to explain things w/o her loosing respect for me or her mother. this is so unfair and hurtful to the kids. I often dont care about myself and what she is doing, looking at the long term, but damn it she is destroying so much for her confusion and she refuses to talk to any one and refuses to hear anybody that suggests her mistakes<p>Lord, help me, help us all<p>Panaju

Need help again. WF and I are in a modified plan B. We have 3 kids, so it is impossible for an ideal MB plan B. Its been about a week and I am doing fair. Learning how to adjust and enjoying my kids more than I ever did before. WF is staying with her parents. Because of some of my actions (notifying the OM's wife), and rumors at her work I am optimistic about the A being over or soon to be over. I have also seen possible confusion or indecision on her part about what is going on and possible Dv. However her words are very consistant and determined that this is what she wants with or without the OM. So which do I believe and trust. Is it just my wishfull thinking and reading into things that really aren't there. How do I know if she moves back if it is just because of the difficulty of being separated and staying with her parents or is it because of a recommitment to me and the family. How do I trust either one. We did talk and kind of decided to sell the house, I was able to agree to it but after a little time I decided to tell her she would have to be the one doing the "footwork" and efforts to do so because it is not what I want so I wont be the one acting on her decisions - same with filing for divorce first which was advised to me by a lawyer. So how do I express I want her to come home, after a few agreements and recommitments on both our parts without sounding giving in or clingy or pathetic.<p>
Need some help please<p>Panaju