My WH has worn me out. I feel just so blank and do not feel any emotions anymore. I don't care if he keeps working with his coworker and even if he invites her to join his new business. I just want things to "get decided" and get on with my life as a mom to my three children.<p>How do you decide what to do next?<p>As from the ashes...
FenixWife

FenixWife,<p> I am sorry that you are in the postion that you are in, but let me ask you a couple of questions if you don't mind. I am not really familiar with your story, so bare with me. Are you and your WH seperated? Have you read up on Plan A and B? I and everyone here will listen.<p>Indy

Indy_357 thank you for your response. We are not separated and are still living at home with our children. I have read all of Dr. Harley's books and articles on the MB Site. Ihave been doing the Plan A to the best of my ability.<p>Since we have been married (17years), I have usually tried whatever he wanted to do: new jobs in different locations, higher education, new businesses, etc. He asks me what I think but then usually does what he wants in the end.<p>He had a EA with a co-worker. He says that she does not know and that she is innocent. I think that even if nothing was said, at some level she knew.... just from the looks that I have recieved from her and her co-workers.<p>His business is ready to be spun off. He wants the OP to follow him with the rational that she is indispensible and the glue that holds the department together. Additionally, he feels that it would be imprudent to not ask her to follow since the other employees would feel betrayed (as well as she) and would wonder if they could be let go next...<p>In MC, two weeks ago, I said that I had made my decision concerning the OP still being in our lives for a long time. I finally had the courage to say that I would not stay with my husband if he felt that strongly about the OP still working with him forever. I told MC and my WH that I would work on our marriage, our relationship with our in-laws, our teen children, our business but I would not put my efforts into "getting adjusted" to having the OP in our lives. I have tried to feel what it would be like to have the OP at work at our new business and it felt horrible. I told the MC that I could talk to the OP and tell her outright what happened with my WH and let her decided if she could handle working with me... But there is still the chance that she would stay... I don't want that.<p>After the MC told my husband to start making plans to get a new job or ???? My husband got very angry and would not talk to me for 4 days then was barely civil... I felt as though we were back to when i first found out. I was devastated that he would feel that strongly about her staying with him. He said that he could not betray any of his employees because of something that he, the director, did. So, he does not want to do the business ....<p>This feels like a mess. I feel as though he is back in his fog and I don't like it. Any thoughts???<p>From the ashes, arises,
Fenix Wife

Yes, a person can get too tired to care anymore. When that happens it’s often a signal that it’s time to do something different. What you have been doing has not worked, so do something different. There are two avenues open to you. <p>You could move on to Plan B. Generally this is done when the BS has done the best Plan A they can for a while and they have only a little bit of love left for the WS. Entering in Plan B will allow you to preserve the small amount of love you have while your H works out what he wants in life.<p>The fear I have with this is that Plan B right now may very well push him towards the OW. Of course there is a good possibility that if a PA started it would go on to die a natural death. But it could take 6 months to 2 years (the ‘normal’ time for an affair). So much has gone on in your marriage already that I’m not sure you could Plan B for that long.<p>Another approach would be for you continue with a revamped Plan A. Have you done the EN questionnaire for both yourself and your H? Have you figured out what he considers to be love busters? Have you done the work to determine what your contribution to the state of your marriage is? This is essential MB work. I also suggest that you read the [url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/ Divorce Busting[/url] and “Getting Through to the Man You Love” and “The Divorce Remedy” . There are other DB books that can help you too. The DB material augments the MB material very well.<p>Either way, you probably need to detach emotionally from your H and you marriage right now. By pulling back you will find that you are stronger and less clingy to him. This alone will change the dynamics between you and your H.

Dear Fenix wife-
Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine regarding the OW being an employee whom your H does not want to betray. I held my ground- I WOULD NOT continue in my marriage if the OW continued to work at his office. We fought about it, nearly separated over it because he felt so strongly he couldn't terminate her after what he had done with her. But I held my ground for weeks, and eventually he decided I was his choice. A friend had told me that down the road he might not respect me if I "gave in". So he hired an attorney, she agreed to sign a contract that she wouldn't bring any lawsuits against him. From there, she has been out of our lives.<p>I knew I could not get beyond that the affair happened, begin to forgive, begin to work on our marriage if she was still a part of our lives, her presence being the constant reminder of what my husband had done. Two days ago my husband told me he was really glad I held my ground, that looking back he can't believe he even considered keeping her around!!!!<p>We continue to struggle with many issues, but I am thankful every day that she is gone.<p>Hang in there. You are not alone.

Hi Fenix wife- one more thing.<p>I too went through a time period where I was too tired to care any more. Too exhausted from hurting for so long. This was in November and December, about four months after I found out about his affair. I think it was a protective mechanism for me. If you don't care, then you don't invest yourself, and also you don't get hurt anymore. I think having the "whatever" attitude keeps depression away too. Unfortunately for me, after Christmas I began to care again, and fell into a major depression, which is now being successfully treated with antidepressants. Things are getting better for me. Be strong and hold on to what you believe in!

Just out of curiosity..... goldenretrieverlover, your story is interesting as it proves a point I've always heard and seen. That although it takes two to tango, it's usually the woman (usually in a lower position in the company) who looses her job after an affair. Just curious, what was in it for her to sign the contract? From what I understand of contract law, if only one party of the contract benefits from it, then the contract is easy to contest. If all it said was that he could fire her and she agreed that she had no recourse, what's to prevent her from going after him and the firm? Does he own the company he works for? Or is he an employee? In this case she could bring a suit against the company too for damages/harrassment. If she looses her job over an affair, then she has been harrassed even if she was a willing participant in the affair.<p>I am glad that the affair is out of your life how ever it was done.

FenixWife <p>I'm a little curious about your situation too. You say that your H is starting a new business. Is it a spin off from his current job? Is his current employer involved? What is the relationship between his current position and the new business?<p>Couldn't he just leave OW in her current position and go to the new endeavor without her?

FenixWife,<p> The ladies that responded to your post are both very wise ladies. I feel for your situation. I wish I could really give you some good advice to turn too. I agree with Z. Lets see if we can't revamp your plan A. I also agree with Z in saying that if you go to plan B it will drive your husband into the OW's arms.<p>Indy

zorweb-
My husband owns his own business. She was his staff employee. I guess there is always the potential of a lawsuit. But...I don't think it will happen and here's why. The OW is married with two small children herself. She is now married to her second husband, who I understand is an alcoholic, verbally/physically/emotionally abusive. Her husband does not know about the affair, and she is petrified that he will find out. She said she would do anything so that he didn't find out. If he did, she told my husband that it could even be so bad as to her husband killing her. Now of course I don't know how much truth there is to that, but for my peace of mind I have decided to believe it for now.
I continue to be thankful every day that she is out of our life, for over 9 months now.
Hope I answered your questions!

Sorry that I have not been checking the responses. been busy with the kids.<p>Zorweb,
Thanks for your response. Thanks for your great advice about giving him some room to breathe. I did try that and it was encouraging since he started asking me if I was ok or was mad at him and Why was I staying in our room more reading? I have tried to stay busy with other projects and tried not to be so connected to him.<p>Also, My H did not have a physical affair. According to him it was a one-sided emotional affair and the OP did not know that he was infatuated. I think she does because of the looks that I get from her...<p>GoldenRetrieverLover:
Thank you for your response. My H last weekend decided that he was going to put his energies towards his M. Yah! I have held my ground concerning having the OP in our lives. I just could not imagine always being reminded about this event. My H did admit that he thought that he had some feelings for her still of some sort and that is why he feels that he did not want to let her go. He wondered if he would feel the same if he had to let one of the other coworkers go, if he would feel the same.???? I want to give our M the best chance to survive this mess.<p>Zorweb:
The new company is a spinoff. My H is the manager and he will own the new company. I have suggested to him that the OP stay at the old company but he said that she is vital to the company. I also suggested that he could give her a great letter of recommendation.... She is a big girl and sometimes consequences happen.... even if one participates in ignorance... My H said that he would never have betrayed me if he had known that all this mess would happen...<p>Indy357:
Thank you for your response. I have been doing the Plan A. I do not think that he would go to her since this has been a EA only. I almost went to the Plan B just so my love for him would not die. It got to the point that I did not care what happened anymore to him, to me, or anything. It just seemed that he was back in the FOG and immersed in himself. He could not see that pain that he was inflicting on me. BUT, he has come around. He has started in earnest to read DR. H's books. He has been sharing his schedule with me and telling me when he has contact with the OP at work. Also, he is trying to hug me more and tell me that he loves me more times in the day.<p>GoldenRetrieverLover:
Yes, I agree about the lawsuit potential. I will just take it one step at a time. All of this has been verbal so... no proof , I hope.<p>I am now hopeful about our M. This has been over a year of learning about myself and trying to understand how my WS could think that i did not love him. As I have said before to him, I am willing to work on the M, our children, our parents, our hobbies BUT I am not willing to work on those with her in the picture. I deserve to be the only woman in his life. I am worth it and a darn good investment on his part.<p>Thanks for listening to me,
From ashes, arise,
FenixWife
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Good for you for standing your ground. I am glad that your H decided to work on the M. I assume that means that he will not be inviting OW to work for him in the new business. Did I get that right? If yes, then WONDERFUL NEWS.<p>Keep us posted.