Hello Everyone --
Thanks in advance to anyone willing to read this and give some advice. I haven't posted a whole lot, but have learned so much from reading other's questions/responses (it is amazing how many of the stories here are so similar). <p>Here is a brief history:<p>Nov. 4, 2001 -- D-day
Found out about A; was only an EA at this point.
The whole month of Nov. was spent with him trying to decide what he wanted to do. The A became physical one time at the end of the month.<p>Dec. 4, 2001 -- H said he was ending the A. Contact continued. He still acted very sad, depressed, etc., but I tried to be supportive, draw him back to me, be his friend, etc.<p>Jan. 20, 2002 -- Found out there had been contact, they had seen each other, he was still calling her and telling her he loved, her, etc. I did blow up and tell him he needed to "make up his mind". <p>Jan. 22, 2002 -- H ended the A (again), but would not agree to no contact -- he didn't call her, but he would talk to her when she would call him. He kept saying that it was going to end, etc.
For about two weeks, things were really different. She was annoying him with her hateful phone calls, he was more affectionate towards me, we went to C once, etc. But after two weeks, he began to slip back into depression, not sleeping, acting sad all of the time, etc.<p>Feb. 20, 2002 -- he announces that she had called on Valentine's Day and that he was leaving because he didn't want to live without her. He left and moved in with her. All he has taken with him so far are his clothes and his DVDs.<p>When I talk to him on the phone, he always acts like he still cares about me; he asks how I am doing. He says all of the time that he is sorry for what he has done, etc.<p>He is still paying all of our bills (I have been a stay-at-home mome for almost 8 years). He comes to our house to see the kids because I said that he couldn't take them to where he is staying as long as he is living with someone that he is not married to.<p>So, my dilemna is that sometimes when I talk to him or he is here, I get the feeling that he still cares about me in some way and then I begin to get my hopes up. Then, he does something, says something, tells me he is happy, etc. and I get so upset. I still love my H very much, but this roller-coaster ride is very unbearable. I do much better when I just don't see or talk to him. So, I am considering a plan B (with children). He could still come here to see the kids, but I would either leave or he could take the kids out as he sometimes does. With the way things are, I end up getting upset and crying every time he is here because I have the vision of what our life was or could have been. I don't want the only way he remembers me to be a "crying mess" or as being cold/indifferent as that is how I act to keep from crying. He even asked me yesterday why I was "So Cold". I told him that it was a protection against being hurt any more and then of course I broke down crying, saying hurtful things, etc.<p>One last thing to mention is that I feel very good about my Plan A during the months of Nov.-Feb. while he was deciding what he wanted to do. I very seldom lost my composure, I worked on things that I knew were needs of his, worked on myself, etc. I really have very few regrets about myself during that time.<p>Any opinions/experience with a plan B of this nature? Is it time?<p>Thanks so much!

Hi,
I will tell you what I was told when my H left me. "If he didn't take all his things, he is planning to come back". I know that he is in the fog and seems like someone that you don't know, but he probably dislikes what he is doing almost as much as you do. Plan B is to protect you and your feelings of love for your H. I think that you would be wise to consider distancing yourself to protect that love. Repeated hurts are hard on a marriage. Whatever you decide, stick with it. Don't let yourself down, you are someone that you can count on. I will pray for you and your H. Stay strong, but don't be afraid to be weak( just don't show him the weakness). Stay busy. Good luck!

You are really the only one who knows whether you are ready for Plan B or not. <p>Remember what Plan B is - NO CONTACT until WH returns or you divorce. It is solely to protect your love with the added bonus of allowing the OW to meet all of your WH's needs, which we hope will end in total failure - but it doesn't always work that way.<p>If you try Plan B and then waffle, it will lose it's effect, so be sure.<p>I know it's hard to Plan A. Really hard. <p>Your WH sounds like mine - everytime he'd try to stay away he'd go into withdrawal and the pain would be too great. He's tale it as a sign that he was meant to be with OW and has moved in with her.<p>In my case, I went to Plan B, but then went back to Plan A because I had to file for divorce. However, I am back on Plan B because the pain is too great and my WH is so controlling and gets out of control when I speak to him, so I had to set my boundaries.<p>I do have to say, that I think if I could have stuck with Plan B then it may have forced my WH to see reality a little sooner - that is also one of the effects of Plan B. You want your WH to realize what life will really be like if he runs away with OW. The A can't end until the two face their real selves and notthe fantasy image that they have for the moment.<p>My WH is still in Lala land. He has not had to face any consequences or teh reality of his actions. Unfortunately for me, divorce is the only way he is even going to begin to get a taste of reality.<p>It's not impossible to Plan B with a family, but it takes committment. <p>May God guide you in this decision. K

Thank you both for your replies. I have written a plan B letter, but will definitely wait a couple of weeks before I give it to him -- to see if I still feel the same. I really do want to preserve the love I have for my H, and I also don't want the way he remembers me to be crying/cold all of the time. I think that will destroy any feelings he has for me.<p>Has anyone ever tried a couple weeks of "trial Plan B" without telling the WS? I would like to see if I can really do this and if it helps how I feel. Or is a couple of weeks really enough time to see how I feel? <p>I am just so tired of trying to figure this all out!!!!!!!

Sad,<p>I don't think you've done an effective Plan A yet. You need to get control of your emotions. I highly recommend reading The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. This will give you a toolbox of specific strategies to control yourself and maintain your attractiveness to your H.<p>Zorweb recently posted a jump-start list for Michele's Last Resort Technique:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016195<p>As you already know, you are blowing it every time you lose it or act cold when you are around him. As you describe your behavior, it is the type that will push him away. Plan B is more likely to have an effect on your H when you've done a great Plan A right up to the switch to Plan B.<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>