For so long I've worked at being thye better me, looking good, house always neat and tidy , met all the needs he'd let me cared for kids, worked fulltime, paid the bills sorted out all the childcare etc. Tonight I'm at the ned of my tether and so tired of doing it all on my own. I just want to give up- get rid of the kids, the house everything and sink into a big hole. How do you kepp going , and how long for ??????????<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: jante ]</p>

Jante,<p>There is no secret to survival. One day at a time and for some of us minute by minute. <p>Have you kept a journal? Helped others? Immerse yourself in a new hobby? <p>For me, posting here and keeping a journal was a safeguard. Also kept my sanity. <p>L.

Have kept a rough journal, started a new university course one evening a week, decorated house, got a dog to take for walks and generally tried to keep my life as positive as possib;le. Just have days like yesterday when everything finally gets on top of me.
Have spent toaday re evaluating my life and the past year. Have realised that I am content with most things in my life just miss having a companion, someonme to show love and affection to, to share my thoughts with, to laugh together and have fun together and I'm at the point where it doesn't have to be H just some one special for me. Jante

Have just read the thread about misunderstanding plan A and wonder if there are things I amm missing there. I have gone through the usual- begging crying pleading for him to come home all to no avail. For past 6 months have been doing plan AQ and feel much better in myself - there have been no comments from H and very little change towards me. I have not at any time commented on his relationship with girlfriend only conversation has been to do with whether he should introduce the children to her. Should I be expressing my dislike of this reLATIONSHIP OR CONTINUE TO IGNORE IT. i DON'T KNOW IF i'M GIVING HIM THe impression that what hje isdoing is ok. Jante

Bump for comments

Unless the kids know the details of his relationship with his girlfriend, I would try to protect them from knowing. Their age and emotional maturity is also important. You don't want them to think that their father's behavior is OK. Don't let them grow up to think that this is what marriage and commitment is like.<p>Woman typically find it easy to share some intimacy with another woman. Your thoughts, your emotions, your tears, etc. Perhaps you could also consider getting a roommate (a female one of course). I know that I did not feel comfortable in my own skin for quite some time so I made sure that I was alone as little as possible (I have no kids so I had to stay busy).<p>If you have not read it, I recommend Love Must Be Tough for your situation. It helped me grow quite a bit during my seperation.

Thanks Mr Bunky I have sent for Love Must be Tough and I'm waiting for it to delivered.The children are 13 11 and 8 and know that their Dad has a girlfriend because hes told them. He has also asked if they want to meet her but the youngest said a definite no, middle one didn't but would to please his dad and the eldest said he didn't care one way or the other.
They know I love thweir Dad and want him to come home but at the moment we just see him twice a week and sometimes he does things with them other toimes we do things together as a family.
Its hard to know what is the best way forward the situation has remained stagnant for about 6 months- no OR talks, no begging etc on y part and just pleasant friendly times whenever he comes over.
Thats why I'm not sure if I'm implying I approve because I don't condemn. Jante

Hi just wanted to say Happy Anniversary to me!
Its strange only three weeks ago I was dreading this date /. Today my head lkeeps reminding me of the date but my heart doesn't care. In the last trwo weeks I've reached the point of acceptance- what will be will be- I'd like him bak yes- but if he doesn't my life will go on and I'll enjoy it and make new friends and a new life without him. Ids this recovery??
Jante

jante
You sound alot like me just a short while ago. I recommend Divorcebusting to you. Have you read it?
I would not recommend resisting your WH's A at this time. If anything, you should be pulling away if you want him to follow. Read the book and you'll know what I mean.

Thanks Maezy and yes I have read DB and I am pulling away. I've spent very little time with H and done things oon my own which I haven't told hioim about just left him to care for the boys. I will continue to ignore his OW although I'm not actually sure how much she is on the scene anyway at the moment. He hjasn't said anything but I sense thinngs may have cooled thre. Will continue with whAT i'M DOING AND SEE WHAT THE NEXT FEW WEEKS BRING. tHANKS jANTE

OK, I just totally Don't Get This. Do you think you are not a complete woman without this man in your life? To me cutting someone loose, means exactly that. If he wants the OW badly enough to move out and continue with her, then what are you waiting for? A marriage takes 2 people. It can't be just one trying to make it work. As long as he still has you hanging on, waiting patiently to come around, then what's the hurry for him to "come around?" He has no one to be jealous of, to him there's probably not anyone out there who'd want you anyway. So maybe it's time to show him how wrong he is. If you don't want to start dating, at least quit pining over him all of the time. Personally, I'd have dumped his butt a long time ago. Kids or no kids, I deserve to be treated better, and so do you. I deserve happiness, I deserve a marriage that has 2 people in it, not 3. And if my H wants to go back to his wandering ways, then there will not even be 2 in my marriage. There will be ME, and I'LL decide who is worthy of my affection and it won't be a man who chooses some bimbo over all of the good things I have to offer. I am to valuable to be treated that way, and if he can't appreciate it, I'll find someone who does!!! You are worthy of LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just my input. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for your input Jamup- I can't think of any comment Jante

Well Jamup the reason I haven't 'dumped his butt' ages ago is that apart from the fact I love him, he is the dad to my three kids - I belkieve my marriage vows were for life. What I really want to do is implement plan A so that I become the best I can be - and pray hard that he returns to the marriage,. But you are right i am worthy of love nand worth more than bad treatment. With that in mind I have started to seperate myself from him, not to jump at the chance to speand time with him and the boys and to be off enjoying my life on my own.
All that said an ex boyfriend has been emailing me for past 6 months and has suggested we have dinner sometime - so perhaps 'dating' in its most innocent form may begin .
Jante

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Found out for definmiote today that H is living with his new girlfriend
Jante

bump

Jante, I came back and read my previous post, maybe I was in a "non-marriage building mood" that day. I understand about vows. But I also think vows are a 2 way street. I've tried to think of the Christian thing to do. However the Bible does speak of divorce in the case of adultery. Have you considered a life time of being single? People do it all of the time. I have several in my family that have never married. We have a strong close family, so ENs have been filled there. I think there comes a time when we have to quit allowing ourselves to be abused. Emotionally, physically, whatever. Ask yourself, can I be an effective Christian by clinging to vows when doing so destroys my ability to do anything else for the good of the Kingdom of God?

Thanbks Jamup for coming back- even as I've posted on this thread my attitude has changed and I am not 'pining ' for him as I was. I will maintain my stand for restoration of my marriage but while getting on with my life, raising my children in Gods Kingdom, serving in my church, working at my job and having a fun social life. I do wonder what is happenoing in my H. life with his OW as things seem muddled there but I am no longer in preces when hes been even if hes mentioned her! Thanks for your conceerns. Jante

Hi an update for anyone who has read and posted on my threadty. Went away for Easter with the children and didn't caontact H at all. He tried to contact me on my cell phone but it didn't have any service so he failed. Told me when he came to see kids yesterday. I was very distant with him- not rude but not chatty. He seemed very ill at ease with it and when it came to go seemed to find it hard to know how to say goodbye!
Definite baby steps I think. Jante [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I feel for you Jante. It's not easy wanting to do the right thing when doing the right thing is dependent on SOMEONE ELSE doing the right thing. (clear as mud?? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ) I don't recommend jumping right back into a relationship though. Oh, maybe a lunch date here and there if that's what they do in your neck of the woods. But you need time to adjust to your new status as "available" and to refine what you are looking for in a man so that you don't end up in another losing battle for a marriage again.