I know there aren't any hard and fast timelines because everyone is different as is every situation. But how do you know you're truly on the road to recovery, ready for forgiveness, time to move on and work on re-building the marriage?<p>I've spoken to friends who have been in the same situations ( sad, isn't it ) and asked them how do you know when to forgive and focus on rebuilding the marriage? They tell me, you'll know when you're there. I have a problem with that, because I don't trust myself. How do I know I'm just not being desperate for the pain to end and will do anything to escape it, even sweep it under the rug? Is'nt that what forgiveness is? Making a decision to not carry the anger, hurt, betrayal, resentment and let it go? I'm not talking about forgetting, I don't think I could forget it if I tried....but forgiving seems real scary for me because I have issues with sweeping my true feelings under the rug for the sake of harmony in the household. I see now that is not the way....that's why I just don't get the forgiveness thing....how do you know when is the time to forgive?

I know that everyone says "forgiveness is a choice" but for me it's not. It's a feeling. I can say "I forgive" all day long until I'm blue in the face and it doesn't make it true. I have to feel it. When I could tell that my husband was really remorseful, that's when I truly felt like forgiving him. I always knew that I wanted to forgive him so I had motivation to work towards that.

Fairydust,<p>Ok, I see your point. So for you, it was based on your feeling that your H was truly remorseful. That makes sense. I guess that's why I still feel the way I do. I asked my H if he felt remorseful and we had to look it up in the dictionary to get the 'proper' definition. He said that he didn't, so it makes sense that I'm still holding on the negative feelings.. I think I'll bring this point to our MC, 'cause I don't know where to go from here..... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by angeld94605:
<strong>Fairydust,<p>Ok, I see your point. So for you, it was based on your feeling that your H was truly remorseful. That makes sense. I guess that's why I still feel the way I do. I asked my H if he felt remorseful and we had to look it up in the dictionary to get the 'proper' definition. He said that he didn't, so it makes sense that I'm still holding on the negative feelings.. I think I'll bring this point to our MC, 'cause I don't know where to go from here..... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>The remorse was a HUGE key factor for me. He was very sorry for what he did and deeply regretted that any of it ever happened. I honestly dont' know if I could have forgiven him if he hadn't been that way.

D-day was less than one month ago .... you are not expected to forgive right now (this early)... you're still in shock and in the early grieving stages. Grieve ... that's currently where you are. Forgiveness is a gift you will give yourself when you are ready. Don't worry about that right now. Premature forgivness is not desireable anyway.<p>Take care of yourself.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

I think this is way too recent for you to feel like you're ready to forgive. If you do it too quickly, it won't stick. I have forgiven my H and former best friend, but I still 'feel' resentful. My counselor had to explain over and over that it IS a decision, NOT a feeling. That type of hurt lasts for a long time.<p>If you read Torn Asunder, you will see why you have to completely express your emotions to your H. If you don't, and he doesn't feel them, he's more likely to do it again. Also, if you sweep it away, it comes back MUCH worse. I've been there and it's no fun.<p>I'm going to look for a prayer my counselor gave me on forgiveness. I had to say it many times and didn't realize I had truly forgiven until after the fact. I guess I feel like I wouldn't want to be punished the rest of my life if I'd really made a stupid mistake like they had. But it doesn't take away the pain, that's for sure.<p>It was harder to forgive her as she never admitted to the truth and acted like I was the one at fault. That still hurts.<p>I'll post the prayer if I can find it. Don't rush yourself, this is life altering pain you're experiencing.

pepperband<p>thanks for your insight. I guess I'm searching for some way out of this pain and I figured if I could forgive, that would let go of it and I not feel it anymore and could begin to move on....thanks for your thoughts, I guess it is too soon.....<p>
maggierose<p>thank you for your reply. I've got a lot of reading to do this weekend! For me, giving myself time is definitely the hardest part...I wish I had a roadmap because I feel like I'm trapped inside a roller coaster ride, blindfolded and no one will tell me how long the ride is. all I know is i'm not getting off the ride until it's time ( whenever that is ) and I'm going to have to try to find a way to deal with the dips and loops even though I can't see them coming....I'm off to the bookstore this evening....Torn Asunder, SAA are at the top of my list.....

I posted the prayer under In Recovery. Hope it helps somebody.

honey,<p>The pain won't go away for some time, regardless of how much you want to forgive and move on. It will be almost virtually impossible to even begin on that path until he demonstrates remorse and a willingness to be honest and open with you. He has to start working to protect you and to rebuild trust. <p>And I completely agree with fairydust on this point, it is a feeling of forgiveness that comes after all of the above takes place. And even then, you will still feel angry and bitter at times throughout the first year. <p>The BS' who seem to have the FASTEST, most complete recovery are the ones whose spouses are completely honest about the affair and answer all of thier questions to thier satisfaction. Just the act of that seems to go a long way in rebuilding trust and reconstructing a sense of allegiance to the BS. [versus the OP]