I&#8217;m mixed up again. I found out about my wife&#8217;s affair two months ago through some graphic emails. We went through some intense therapy and have been trying to work things out. I haven&#8217;t been going to the counselor any more because I just can&#8217;t afford it. We have gone through all the questionnaires from marriage builders and the ones out counselor used. However there have been set backs.<p>One of the biggest problems I have had with my wife over the last 17 years is our lack of recreational companionship. I will gladly do most things she is into but she rarely reciprocates. I understand she is not as physical as I am so I have over looked it all these years. This morning she talks to me like it would be OK for me to go out and play golf with one of my female coworkers. First of all she doesn&#8217;t know this woman and she has read all the stuff about how affairs begin. Then when I told her I wouldn&#8217;t like her going out and doing things with her male coworker she acted like OK. Why would it be OK for me and not her. I don&#8217;t think it&#8217;s OK at all. I don&#8217;t thing my wife really is taking things seriously. I think if we stay on this path we will be back where we started. Any suggestions?

Set backs are normal, but keep the progress in your sights. Use this forum, and try reading some different books (maybe your wife will too). They have both helped me tremendously in many ways (especially in calming my mind). There are other ways to work about gaining the progress you seek outside of actual counseling. My husband and I gained what we could from a third party (counselor) and have applied that in ways to continue to progress.<p>Now, they whole golf thing. Initially I saw red flags. For me that would almost say that she doesn't care because she's still not being completely true (possibly EA). Has all contact stopped with your WW and the OM? It could be that if you go and do this she will feel less guilty. Just a thought, and some caution.<p>On the other hand, it could simply be that she feels bad for what she did and feels as though she has no room or right to object to this. It could be that simple.<p>In either event, I would suggest that you try to sit down and talk with her about they way you feel. I wish you well, and hope this helps.

The recreational companionship is one of the toughest for WH and me also. Firstly, I don't really and truly get the whole concept from an emotional point of view, but I accept the fact that it is extremely important to him (he ranked it #2, I think it was #9 on my list). <p>He really needs me to want to do things with him, but is stymied by the concept of enthusiastic agreement. He is having such a hard time with the idea that if we can't negotiate a way for me to enjoy what he's doing, he doesn't do it. I don't really have that issue, because there's not really anything so important to me recreationally that I would hate to give it up.<p>So, we are working quite intensely on this one. At this point, we have negotiated that I will give target shooting a 3 month trial to see if I can come to enjoy it enough to do it with him regularly. We had more of a problem negotiating the drag racing, but agreed that I would attend two live events with him and that he would not watch it on tv unless one of these conditions was met (I'm otherwise occupied, i.e., at work, at PTA, etc.), or he agreed to sit me on his lap and cuddle me while we watched. (and oh yeah, I agreed to read several chapters of the NHRA rule book - don't know why that's important to him, but it is, soooooooo...)<p>I am concerned that you feel your wife is not committed to working on it, and I would feel the same way in your shoes. Can you bring this whole issue up in a discussion with her face to face?