"No problem just starting. The ground work is laid when needs go unmet. I know that the harleys list our 10 needs someplace on this site. I read them and shouted out, bingo,yup, that is me. That explained alot for me. Before I understood that, I couldn't figure out why I fell in love with OM and out of love with H. OM and I would sit and talk about our "voids". When we talked about trying to break things off, our fear of the voids reopening steared us back to meeting those unmet needs in each others lives. Looking back it was selfish to go outside the M and let someone else do for us what we should have communicated to our spouses that we needed. But in my case, the years that
pasted without my spouse caring to meet some of those needs was also selfish. He was told more than once but I'm sure my words fell onto deaf ears. I was committed to him for years and I struggled with breaking that commitment when I chose to have relationship with OM. I never did have to ask OM, he just fullfilled me. It was easy and it felt right, then. I do think it's important for us all to know that we are soppose to communicate our needs but recognition and awareness of those needs are just as important. Like I said, at the time, I wasn't aware of them on a conscious level. I just felt misunderstood."<p>You got it!! The most important thing in your life is to be true to yourself, but if you don't know who you are, that's kind of difficult. You said you weren't aware of your needs, and so you couldn't really communicate what you actually wanted to your spouse. With MM, you could find what you wanted because you could pick and choose, you didn't have the package deal you had with your H. You and MM saw each other at your best, and consciously or not, you chose to present that best to each other. Because you didn't have to keep it up. Like with your pregnancy. Of course he found you attractive! You were carrying HIS child, and he saw you only at your best. He didn't have to deal with your morning sickness, baby blues, mood swings, allnighters when you walk the floor with a fretful infant. Men rather like to see women in the doting mother role - as long as it doesn't detract at all from the time and attention they feel entitled to. He, to be blunt, is taking no real responsibility for this child - your H is being the child's REAL FATHER and investing heavily in him, not only money but time and love. OM simply creams the rewards of being a cuckoo and depositing his young in another bird's nest.<p>BSs also have unmet needs, feel misunderstood and often desperately unloved. So BSs have exactly the same potential for an A. I liked very much the thread on BSs: What kind of A did you have? I think BSs tend to go the routes of workaholism and suchlike, for whatever reason. I know I go that way, I know I am also vulnerable to OP, and I guard my boundaries very stringently, though I do get tempted to flirt with a man I know, who's very attractive and more so because he obviously fancies me! I stomp hard on this desire, and sigh inwardly; it would be lovely to just indulge myself in a little ego-stroking... Selket said it's hardest to betray yourself, and that's what I feel. I could betray my H, but I do NOT want to betray myself. <p>CMiranda, I hope I'm not coming over either judgemental or pi. I've fought hard for my self-realisation, and I've been a victim for far too long. I'm a codependent in recovery. <p>What I have learned, through one disastrous marriage and my current (and last) marriage, is that it does cut both ways. Of course I want my needs met, and it's my responsibility to know what those needs are and communicate them clearly to my spouse. But it is also my responsibility to request my spouse to inform me of his needs, find out how he would like them met, and then do so to the best of my ability.<p>So I do have a question for you; now that you know what your needs are, have you established what your H's are? Have you told him clearly what you need, and how you need that need to be met? If you haven't already worked through the Emotional Needs questionnaire, this is a good place to start. It can be downloaded from this site; I printed off copies for H and myself. We filled them out, ranked them, and both gained a lot of self-awareness. The LoveBusters questionnaire is the next one to do, because sometimes we don't really consciously know what it is that our spouses are doing to turn us off - and vice versa.<p>Rooting for you,