How much can we expect our spouses to change to meet our emotional needs? How much change is fair or realistic?<p>My personal conclusion after struggling with this question for many long and painful months is this: we can change our habits to meet our spouse's needs, but we can't change who we are.<p>For example, if my H needs the house to be neater, I can change my habits to accomplish this. I can make it a habit to vacuum more often or tidy up the living room before he comes home from work. If he thinks I'm overweight, I can make it a habit to exercise more often and get fit.<p>But if my H claims he just doesn't need or want much sex, if he has little or no need for physical displays of affection, can I expect him to change that about himself? If he's a loner and I'm a social butterfly, can he change that aspect of himself, or can I? Is that fair? These are not habits: these are facets of who we are.<p>The problem is that his needs were more like mine when we married. In fact, they were very alike. It's why I fell in love with him. But, he's changed a lot in five years. He even admits it. He just doesn't want or need the same things as I do anymore. He's sorry, but he just doesn't.<p>I guess he could get in the habit of 'making' himself be physical with me if he were so inclined, but is that really enough? Is that *truly* meeting my needs? IS THAT EVER AS GOOD AS SOMEONE WHO GENUINELY WANTS YOU??? Sadly, I think not.<p>I want to hear what others think on this topic.<p>calla

I'm sort of worried about the same thing. Although H and I have some things in common, we basically both admit that we were attracted to one another to begin with because we're so different from one another. I'm quiet, low key, etc. and he's very social, a party guy, etc. We're trying to do stuff we both like to do, but having trouble finding stuff to do. I like to read, watch movies, take walks, etc. He likes to play pool, listen to music, do risky kind of stuff that I don't feel comfortable with (i.e. take wild four-wheeler rides). We do like the same kind of music, dancing with one another, a few things alike. Sex is not a problem; we're on the same wavelength as far as that is concerned, but that can't be enough...

BTW, my H has said that A happened because he and OW "have so much in common" and that they "just clicked."

Hi there! This is just my view of what you are saying..<p>For example, if my H needs the house to be neater, I can change my habits to accomplish this. I can make it a habit to vacuum more often or tidy up the living room before he comes home from work. If he thinks I'm overweight, I can make it a habit to exercise more often and get fit.<p>Do you like housework? I don't all that much but I would do it if it was one of my H emotional needs & eventually it would become a habit.
Same with him making the effort to accomodate your needs for S this is all about compromising & eventually these things would become a habit. Don't think that he is doing it because he has to the way i see it these things are at first probably need thought put into them but after a while become "habit"
I think if his needs were more like yours when you married he has just forgotten what it was like & he will glide back into it (pardon the pun) H genuinely wanted you when you met didn't he so it sounds like it's something he's just got out of the habit of doing.
I may be dead wrong here but thats my slant on it anyway, the only person you can change is yourself at the end of the day but if H is prepared to meet your needs & you are prepared to meet his you have somewhere to start.

I'm currently reading Give and Take, and Dr. Harley addresses this exact thing. He maintains that we can create compatibility where there seemingly is none. It is probably not so much that your H has changed in 5 years as it is that his Taker is more in control than his Giver.<p>When we are in a state of Intimacy (as in courtship), our Giver is in control, and we seem to get along so well, have so much in common, be on the same wavelength, etc. Because both Givers are in control, the Takers have nothing to do and are content to sleep.<p>However, if an LB happens or an EN is neglected, then the Taker wakes up. This leads to the state of Conflict, and if that goes on long enough, you will proceed to the state of Withdrawal and won't want to meet ENs or have your spouse meet yours.<p>The cure for this is to get back to the state of Intimacy where both Givers are in charge again. The first step is POJA. I also am a social butterfly, and my H HATES social situations. From the moment it is on the calendar, he will be distressed by it. However, if I am not LBing him and I am meeting his ENs and we are in a state if Intimacy, his Love Bank will be so full that he will agree to it because it will be a deposit in my Love Bank, which will help me to be more enthusiastic about something that may be more his thing than mine.<p>This is an excellent book with many worksheets, some specifically for the rule of time that address SF and RC and creating compatibility in those areas. He "genuinely wanted you" (filled up your Love Bank) before because you were filling up his Love Bank. The more you each do this, the more you will love and want each other as you did when you were doing it before. It may feel artificial and awkward now, but eventually it can get back to feeling instinctive and automatic as it did in the beginning. Dr. Harley does such a good job of explaining this process.<p>That is the concept. You won't know if it works if you don't put it to the test. It usually requires learning how to negotiate through Conflict to get to Intimacy so that both Givers can be in charge again and your Takers can relax.<p>[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>