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Thread Like Summary
Here24Help
Total Likes: 7
Original Post (Thread Starter)
by Here24Help
Here24Help
Hello, and thank you for reading.

Ever since we had been dating, I knew my husband was on the geekier side of the spectrum. It wasn’t until we started living together that I realized just what that entailed. I have never been a skinny girl, and my husband spends a lot of time watching Asian tv shows and FEMALE(never male) kpop videos.

Early on in our dating relationship I brought up that almost everyone he follows on social media are young pretty(and skinny) Asian women. The discussions ended up with him deleting pretty much all of his social media accounts(not at my request whatsoever, but I do feel relieved that issue is gone).

He watches a lot of anime and if you’ve spent any time watching various anime shows/movies, you’ll see the female characters are almost always VERY sexualized/objectified, and there’s always tons of “fan service”. I’ve brought up my many issues with all of these things, but Asian entertainment has been such a huge part of his interests/life for so long I feel controlling asking him to stop partaking in it.

I’ve tried myself to try to see if I could grow to enjoy it with him, but can’t get past the horrific over-sexualization and fan-service involved. I’m aware or the mutual agreement policy, but that doesn’t make me feel less controlling. I fear he will resent me for taking away something he cares so much about.
Liked Replies
by living_well
living_well
Originally Posted by Here24Help
We do share some hobbies together and really enjoy spending quality time which is a blessing. Being newlyweds during a pandemic has gone a lot smoother than I would’ve thought:)


It is far easier to develop good marriage habits now as newlyweds rather than later. You want to really work on the hobbies so that all your leisure time is spent doing things together that you both enjoy. Yes you can explain why his hobby makes you unhappy but replacing it with something else that you both love is going to work better. He needs to see you do the same thing. The reason why this is so important is that leisure time spent together is how you build a romantic relationship. You fell in love with him because of the things the two of you had in common and did together. That needs to be nurtured and protected.

If (for example) he spends his Saturday evenings watching anime, there will come a moment when you decide to take up a hobby of your own. This will eventually lead to the two of you leading separate lives which is the kiss of death for romantic love. You see married couples who have only their children as an interest in common. Then the marriage breaks down. You need more than that.
1 member likes this
by MelodyLane
MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Here24Help


I’ve tried myself to try to see if I could grow to enjoy it with him, but can’t get past the horrific over-sexualization and fan-service involved. I’m aware or the mutual agreement policy, but that doesn’t make me feel less controlling. I fear he will resent me for taking away something he cares so much about.



Hello Here24help, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is not "controlling" to ask your spouse to stop doing something that bothers you. It is controlling to force you to put up with something that bothers you. The greatest risk of resentment would be on your side, not his. He might be disappointed initially at giving up some activities that bother you, but that disappointment fades once that activity is replaced with something else. On the other hand, you are being set up for years of resentment if he won't give up an activity that clearly bothers you. Everytime he views these cartoons, your resentment is triggered. Check this out:

Quote
from Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112-113

What about Resentment?
One of the most common objections to to the POJA is that it creates resentment when it is followed. I agree; it does usually create some resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed. An illustration will make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he's guilty of independent behavior. He is not following the POJA and Sue will be resentful. When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn't accept Sam's invitation, then George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something because of Sue's objections I call this resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest love bank withdrawals: type A or type B? The answer is type A, and thats why the POJA helps build love bank balances. I'll explain.

When G violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel the effect of the thoughtless decision [love bank withdrawals] for as long as memory persists - possibly for life whenever the event is recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is limited in time. It only lasts as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn't invited to watch football and doesn't want to invite herself to Sam's house so she suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football. George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts an end to George's type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully, unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating type A resentment.
1 member likes this
by goody2shoes
goody2shoes
Diving into past trauma is a great way not to fix the present...

Can someone link to what Dr Harley has to say about that? I am pressed for time atm.
1 member likes this
by BrainHurts
BrainHurts
Have you seen Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography

I posted this to your H’s thread, but I see he hasn’t been back and hasn’t answered any of the questions he has been asked.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
1 member likes this
by Prisca
Prisca
Quote
but that he needs to continue to demonstrate that he is in it forever and wants to do whatever it takes to make things right.
This is what you're going to need to watch for. IF he continues to do what needs to be done to make things right, your feelings for him will change given time. But he's got to be willing. You CANNOT drag him through this. If you're dragging him, you are going to work yourself into the ground and be in worse shape than you are now.

Are you dragging him?
1 member likes this
by BrainHurts
BrainHurts
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Diving into past trauma is a great way not to fix the present...

Can someone link to what Dr Harley has to say about that? I am pressed for time atm.
Here is a good thread that speaks about this. I apologize beforehand that some of the links are broken and the radio clips won’t all play. But there are some of Dr. Harley’s explanations about dwelling on past trauma.

Beware of Bad Counselors
1 member likes this
by Prisca
Prisca
Quote
but now it feels forced even though he’s doing what I want him to:(

It's going to feel forced for a long time. That is a feeling that will disappear eventually, if he keeps doing what he needs to do. The important thing is that he is doing it.

Have you read Lovebusters?
1 member likes this
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