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Thread Like Summary
happyheart
Total Likes: 4
Original Post (Thread Starter)
#3016093 12/16/2021 9:09 PM
by Dita1
Dita1
Hello, new here...no judgement please:(

I was happily married, or so I thought. My only complaint was that my husband was a gamer and we didnt spend much time together. Id usually watch a series on the couch upstairs while he gamed in the basement. My daughter would be playing outside or inside with her friends from next door.

Recently our immediate neighbours and us became really good friends, we even went to a cottage together in the summer. The wife left to go overseas for a month and we sort of adopted the husband and the kids, cooked them meals etc. The couple were separated previously and we assumed its because the husband cheated. No proof, just assumed coz hes naturally flirty, has roving eyes, kind of creepy/slimy.

Anyways, fast forward a few weeks, his wife is still overseas and he starts texting to say hi. Normal, funny conversations, turned to comments I had to delete. We would text all the time, but I was still firm about being friends and told him to please not send messages I had to delete.

Hubby and I bought a house, we were going to be moving....

The neighbours and us (wife still overseas) had drinks to celebrate. There was looks from him that made me feel gross and uncomfortable.

A few days later while texting, he asks to talk to me while Im on my afternoon jog. I agree but say, "just as friends". We were alone, it was raining and he made his move, held me tight and kissed me. I stopped him but he continued. I was angry, I went home numb and angry...told him that we will never talk about this again and to leave me alone.

He didnt leave me alone, he messaged a few hours later to talk about it...telling me to him it was a beautiful moment and he is heartbroken that Id reacted that way.

Fast forward and we were still texting for weeks, but suddenly I started to fall for him. He said all the right things...he knew where I had a gap and he filled that gap.

We met, made out. I was stuck:( I started realizing I could lose my family over this creep, but couldnt help that I was now in love with him.

He told his wife alot of lies while she was away, she never knew we all went out for drinks etc...and that all came out. I tried to end it, because I was scared for my marriage but I just couldnt.

A few days ago she was going through his credit card statement and another lie about somewhere we all went came out (all the friends went out to a bar). Shed had enough and asked him for a divorce. I think he finally had a wake up call and deleted me from one of the platforms we used to chat. It was like a knife through my heart.

I reached out and asked "why" (i was desperate even though I knew it had to end) and he said he needed time to fix things (added in exclamations like i was a child). Nonetheless I went away...

Today, I reached out again and said its time for us all to heal and this is a goodbye and because I cared I wanted him to know I was going to remove him from all social media. He was sad but actually agreed to it. And so I did.

I know we did the right thing but I cant help but feel heartbroken. I just cant help it and Im sorry:( I have a gap, that someone filled, he made me feel alive, said I did too, he said all the most amazing things and its now over. After more than 2 months of texting everyday its over. Im grieving.

We moved away a month ago, and the only good thing is that I really will never see him again. But im dead inside...

Tell me what I should be told!
Liked Replies
#3016115 Dec 17th a 08:36 PM
by Prisca
Prisca
Originally Posted by Dita1
We are no longer friends..And I called him creepy because he had those roving eyes.

You just don't go from "he's creepy" to making out.

Quote
Didnt make him a bad friend to us. And why would I lie about what happened? Im anonymous on this forum. And asked for no judgement.

You're lying right now by refusing to tell him what you've done! You're living a lie.

You are downplaying your involvement with him because that's what people who have affairs do. They lie. They try to make themselves look better than they are.

Don't sugarcoat what you did -- you can't make betrayal sound better than it was.

You have a choice to make here. You can tell your husband what you've done (and be completely 100% honest), which will give you the best chance at recovery. Or you can try to keep him in the dark, plunging the knife in even further, and let the guilt and lies and secrecy eat away at you and erode your marriage until he DOES find out on his own (and he will).
1 member likes this
#3016108 Dec 17th a 08:20 AM
by goody2shoes
goody2shoes
Originally Posted by Dita1
Hello, new here...no judgement please:(
Hello Dita, you came to the right place.
Your story is a textbook example how affairs start. I hope you are here to find out the right way to end an affair.
Quote
I agree but say, "just as friends".
That moment, you knew you should say 'no', the reason you went anyway is that you had already fallen for him.
Quote
He said all the right things...he knew where I had a gap and he filled that gap.
How do you make sure in the future you will not fall for another man who knows how to fill the gaps? Keep reading articles on this site, you will understand how you got here and how to fix it.
Quote
Tell me what I should be told!
Nobody in his or her right mind wants to have an affair, yet you did. Why? Because you thought it wouldn't happen to you and you ignored the red flags. A bird landed on your head and you allowed it to build its nest.

If you don't adress this now, it will fester and infect. Healing an infected wound is far more diffucult than cleaning and treating the wound fast. In my county we have a saying: soft doctors cause stinking wounds.

Read this article:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/coping-with-infidelity-beginning-part-1.htm
You will recognise the dynamics how your affair started.

This article explains how to end an affair.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/coping-with-infidelity-the-end-part-2.htm

The beauty of the MB programm is that it minimizes damage (allthough every affair causes a lot of damage) and maximizes your chances to recover your marriage.

Can you read the articles and come back with questions?

The sooner you come clean to your husband, the sooner your marriage can recover.
1 member likes this
#3016109 Dec 17th a 02:07 PM
by markos
markos
Hi, Dita, did you watch the video and read the article I posted?

Let me point out that because you are addicted (and because your affair partner is addicted, too) there is an extraordinarily high risk that either of you will make contact again and rekindle the affair. That would make things far worse than they already are. The best way to prevent that is to come clean.

Quote
How will I live with myself? Id rather suffer in silence:(

It's not just about you, though, right? Doesn't your husband deserve to know? To pull out of this and recover you're going to have to broaden your focus to think not just about yourself but about your husband.
1 member likes this
#3016111 Dec 17th a 03:18 PM
by SugarCane
SugarCane
Originally Posted by Dita1
A few days ago she was going through his credit card statement and another lie about somewhere we all went came out (all the friends went out to a bar). Shed had enough and asked him for a divorce.
She "asked him for a divorce" over that? Over the fact that he lied about going with friends to a bar?

I think she knew more than you think.
1 member likes this
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