Andy,<BR> My husband read your message, seemed frustrated and didn't say much. I know he knows he has to put the OW out of his life, but I don't think he can deal with that thought yet......maybe never? He feels what they had was more special than most relationships. Is it just too early? Or could he stay like this forever, even without contact? I know you said after 3 months you started to have less feelings of despair, that's only a month away and so far he's had NO change in his heart. I am avoiding love busters, but does that mean never talking about the affair? It comes up alot with us and half the time we do OK, half the time I get hurt and he gets frustrated. He still seems to lack the emotion to say things tactfully as if he really doesn't want to hurt me. I just feel like a dishrag sometimes. He's spending alot of time with our kids, and he seems to LOVE that and says it's the best thing in his life right now. Maybe that will make it harder for him to ever leave. What that your wife does seems to make the most impact on you? Just curious for any advice.<P>Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Jenn,<P>Yeah you're husband was frustrated, because my advice is basically saying to him that he will never have the OW in his life again. That is probably the <B>hardest</B> thing for him to hear right now. He just does not want to accept that. Hey, sometimes <B>I</B> can't accept that either. I try not to think about it too much any more. For me it took around 3 months to not have total depression, but I was still in withdrawal for more weeks after that, and depression came and went. Heck, I still occasionally feel withdrawal. It's November now, and I broke it off in June (although there was still alot of contact after that). There are still days when I wonder if I can do this.<P>You know, I'm not the greatest example to hold up to your husband. I still don't feel love for my wife (other than close friendship -- but I crave so much more!). I still think about the OW (though not as much as I used to), and I still want to contact her (it's so hard to resist!). <P>Your husband is not alone in his feelings for the OW. I also felt that my relationship with the OW was very special, and that it would be so much better than my relationship with my wife (sometimes those thoughts still creep in). He may think he's different, but he's really very similar to alot of us betrayers. I honestly don't know how long his depression will last. But I'm pretty sure he'll come out of it eventually. Time really truly heals all. Pretty cornball, but it's true.<P>I think the thing your husband has going for him is his committment to do the right thing, and his love for his kids. That's what made me stay, too. My son. I can't even imagine leaving him and destroying his life like that!<P>I think you should probably avoid talking about the affair. Your husband will only feel threatened by that. Of course, that doesn't mean that you have to shut your feelings out completely. He must be completely honest with you if you ask something (if you read this Jenn's husband -- you have just as much role in rebuilding your marriage as your wife does). But after a while, it does no good to keep bringing up the hurt and opening the wounds over and over. It hurts for <B>both</B> of you, you Jenn because of the betrayal, and your husband because of the reminder of the OW. Instead of focusing on the affair, you should discuss other things, like what was missing in your marriage before the affair happened, emotional needs that you each have, love-busting behavior that you each need to avoid, etc.<P>Jenn, you asked what my wife does that has the most impact? That's pretty difficult to answer. My wife did her fair share of love-busting (still does). This may sound cold and unfair to my wife, but I made the decision to stay only for my son. Not for her. Well I thought if I stayed, maybe she wouldn't have a nervous breakdown either. But for those first months, it mattered little what my wife did. I was completely submersed in my withdrawal and depression. She was very frustrated and depressed by the fact that it seemed like <B>nothing</B> she did worked. But that's the way it is. Nothing works when the betrayer is in this phase. However, the good loving behavior towards your husband, and the avoidance of love-busting, will be remembered when he gets on the other side of withdrawal. <P>Also, look at it this way: love-busting will surely push your husband back towards the OW. Even if he doesn't contact her, the comparison between your bad behavior and his perfect memories of the OW will always make you look bad.<P>whew! I've said a mouthful and it's a pretty disjointed post, so I'll just leave it at at that.<P>--andy