I have not told my H I love him for months.<P>I know it is something he needs to hear. He tells me regularly, but sometimes it makes me mad. (How could he do this if he loved me - why did it take her for me to finally get his love?)<P>I trully feel he loves me now, but I have a real problem feeling like she gets credit for the change. It would never have happened if she hadn't assaulted our lives.<P>I feel I slowly stopped loving him as I had to deal with his insensitivity during our recovery. It was the easiest way to deal with him hurting me over and over again.<P>I want to love him again. I realize there is no way I can leave him. I've been telling myself I am codependent, but maybe I'm in love.<P>I am still so very afraid to reveal anything to him that could be a source of pain later. I understand that we run the risk of being hurt anytime we love someone and eventually I will have to either risk it with him, risk it with someone new, or never love again.<P>He has said all along that he never felt I loved him, but you ask anyone who knows us and they will say I was head-over-heals.<P>Don't get me wrong, I realize I didn't give him what he needed, but how could my feelings be perceived so differently by others than by him?<P>My best friend kept telling me I am still in love with him, just admit it. She finally told me that she wasn't going to say that anymore because she thinks it was making me work harder to keep from loving him.<P>My H has accused me of trying to stay mad at him to keep from feel vulnerable. He feels this forum fuels my fire and so he refuses to post.<P>I will not leave him, I know that. I can't. Can I just decide to go on? Is it that easy? It really would be nice if it were.<P>By the way, my name is Jessica, the person formally known as Bottom of the List.<P>I think I may have just been looking at the wrong list. You think?<P>By the way, how do I change my username?<BR>

Hi Jessica,<P>First, you can't change your username unless you re-register under another email account. Just one of those things. (Unless something's changed that I don't know about).<P>Secondly, It is so hard to make yourself be vulnerable again. I am a person who was betrayed by my H and never really forgave or forgot. Twelve years later, I did the unthinkable and had a short-lived affair of my own. I think that my unwillingness to forgive or forget (or at least put it back where it belonged - in the past) was a factor in my affair. Not on purpose, mind you, but there nonetheless. I know how hard it is to let go and be vulnerable again. Also, I kind of live by that addage "scr*w me once, shame on you. Scr*w me twice, shame on me". In marriage, it makes it pretty difficult to move forward though. You're always on the lookout for that second scr*w, and it keeps you from giving yourself fully to rebuilding. <P>I figure it this way: life is worth living and being happy. I know, some will say that to be happy is to be in a fantasy, and that they had the affair because they were looking for happiness. Although I can understand that, having been there myself, I am now actively choosing to put my marriage back together. My H is doing the same, but he is having some trouble, especially now that he is the betrayed. Thing is, unless you <B>choose</B> to love again, it probably isn't gonna happen. I waited for so long for that "miracle" cure that would put us back together. Didn't happen. <P>I sure wouldn't expect you to put your raw self out there to be burned again. But maybe just little tiny baby steps toward your H... how about that??<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I called the councellor that our preacher referred to us. I have no idea how we are going to pay for this, but the church has offered to help.<P>I do feel better. H is still at work. I guess it will depend on how he responds. The sad part is there is no way he can go until next Friday. He works terrible hours and also works 80 miles from where we live.<P>We moved after the affair in order to get out of the little town where she lived.

Jessica,<P>Often, the church will help for freebies. Hope this is the case this time.<P>That's wonderful that you moved. The distance can help so much! That's exactly what we did after my H's affairs. We moved 100 miles (and through one of the largest mountain passes in America) away. It's a totally different life here. The distance helped me, but not enough. It takes effort too.<P>You are doing the right thing with the Preacher. Hope it helps tons. <P>I also understand about the icky hours your H works. Mine too. It makes it hard, but it can be done. Keeps him busy too, I'm sure. And you know where he is. That's a good thing!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Jessica,<BR> <BR>New beginning offers good advice. Another perspective here: if you were to give up on your H and eventually look for another relationship, you would have to make yourself vulnerable, again, anyway. There are no guarantees with your H or with a new relationship that you would not get betrayed again or that you would not be deeply hurt. <P>This is why I would rather try to make it work with my H versus bailing out and trying to start over with someone new - no guarantees. Too bad my H doesn't want to try - he is still with OW.<P>Best of luck to you...<P>Roll Me Away

i just want you to know that even though i am super angry right now, i feel the same way you do. my H tells me he loves me all the time, but i just can't love him back, even when i want to.<BR>i sympathize completely.<BR>good luck.

He came home from work around 7:00 PM. I played the "there's a daddy coming in our house" game with my 5 year old daughter. She adores him. I usually don't run to the door with her yelling, "there's a Daddy coming in our House" I usually just tell her when I hear his pickup drive into the driveway. Tonight I joined in.<P>I then put my arms around him gave him a big kiss and asked him how his day was.<P>I could feel him melt. I could see emotion in his eyes. I could feel him feel.

AAAHHHH.... beautiful.... aaahhhh <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Wow,<BR>I would be estatic to hear my husband say he loved me! We are seperated and he tells me he still cares about me...but thats it...after 15 years of marriage...he only cares about me...I would give anything to hear him say I Love YOU again...because if he did...I would know he meant it...I know its scary to ever trust them again or get past the pain and hurt....but if your sincere about wanting your marriage to work, you have to try...My prayers are with you...<BR>lonesome

There you go....<BR>A small miracle..... and who had to consciously change a behavior? With the promised results I might add! <BR>You just stay in that mind set and you may be amazed!<P>Read "The Ten Second Kiss" or "Light His Fire" by Ellen Friedman Some great love sparkers in her books and good philosophies in there too.<P>Good Luck<P>Beth

hello there, this forum is truly inspirational, i had a meeting with my preacher today, i had the tough job of telling him that i lied to him about having an affair. ( when confronted by my wife infront of him i said that i hadnt .. deny deny deny) any how all went well and i feel that a tremendous load is off my chest! <BR>I crave a "ten second kiss" so much i can almost taste it! sadly since my wife kicked me out i wont be getting one. its been about two weeks now and its really tough for me! i want to talk with her all the time and let her know that i am in counselling and have refocused myself! ( to be a better husband and not work so many hours. pay more attention to the children and be a nicer guy all around!!!! ) i was a real jerk while i was working 16 hour days and then having to work around the house too! it used to be all me. Me me me me no i realize taht its not about me its about US as a family unit! hmmmmm and ironically i was working to surprise my wife with a vacation for the family!!! then an affair got in the way and now things are just messy!!! the devil does wear a blue dress and is very cunning! i learned my lesson! now i have to convince my wife that i have! it saddens me to learn how i have hurt her!<BR>

Bottom,<P>MY heart melted just reading your post. How wonderful for you and your H!!!!!! <P>Roll Me Away

AAAWWWW - what a lovely moment. You could feel him feel. You could probably feel you feel too.<P>Keep up the good work!<P>Lori

I hope I can figure out how to stop the rollercoaster. <P>I get down, he tries harder to treat me better (he really can treat me wonderfully like he has the last few days). I respond to it and my attitude improves. After a few days he will not try so hard, I will respond to that, begin to get down and here we go again.<P>Any advice on how we can just get off of it now while things are good?

Honey, just like the real thing (like Ghostrider at Knotts in California! ) the ride is scary, bumpy, and <B>you can't get off in the middle</B>, you have to ride it out, even if it makes you sick. There are, of course, some things you can do to make the ride more pleasant, like what you did last night. Keep doing those kinds of things. No lovebusters, no nagging, and <B>HANG ON</B>. It isn't fun, but if you can make it bearable, it will save your sanity. It ends when it ends, but don't make the mistake of sitting on for another round. You're doing the right things now, you know how to make it slow down a bit, but the thing about the ride is that when you least expect it there will be a <B>dip</B> and down you'll go. HANG ON....<P>Have I ridden this analogy to death? <P>BOTL, you did a good thing. I know you're tired, and I know you probably think you "should" be able to relax a bit. You can't. Not yet. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

It would be easy for me to kick myself and say that I always make the first move, but deep down I know that isn't true. He tries and and I refuse to respond. <P>Things don't really change until I make a move because he does respond most of the time.<P>Just a little observation I needed to get down in writing while I'm being honest and reasonable.<P>I'm going to make a pact with myself. I am going to give it a week of going out of my way to make him feel like the most loved man on earth. This contract with myself will have an automatic renewal clause that at the end of each week I automatically obligate myself for another week. The legal secretary is coming out. <P>I don't know if I will be able to smother him with "I love yous" No promises there, but caring for him is in my nature and there is plenty of physical attraction that makes contact easy.