a letter that i wish she would read, but wont get. We are divorced. I miss her terribly. She had an affair, i didnt attend to her needs, etc. I could give you all a bunch of excuses why I didn't cherish my wife, why I didn't spend time with her, make dposits, etc. When we first started, it was bliss..we have always been friends, she has always ( and still does) make me melt by her voice, etc. Over the 11 years we were together, we probably had one year where we didnt work opposite shifts, go to college, etc. Life happened. Over time, our ability to communicate had deteriated into shouting matches and angry displays. I was too stupid to realize that my W was unhappy in our marriage - too busy, selfish, etc. She tried so hard ( a perfect example of a walkaway wife) and I was so unwilling. Now the tables have turned, and I want , wish, etc. so desperately to get us back together and she is unwilling. She has been hurt. She dosen't trust. She has only bad memeories of our union. she asks for space and time , and I didnt give it to her.<BR>I wish sometimes I could brain her with a frying pan and tell her TO WAKE UP!!!!<BR>I only wish I could make her realize that the past dosen't dictate the future - that I have awoken to realizing that our marriage is worth saving- even though we are apart. I think of her constantly. I dont care about a judge's decree- I still feel married.<BR>I guess, I feel like WE can get past all of the crap- I ask / feel like she cant get past the guilt, that our son will do better with parents split-up, rather then together.<BR>She tells me that guilt is not what she feels- she is just pissd at me for not being good to her when WE were together. She says I missed YOU when we were together. Now, YOU realize how I felt all of those years I wanted attention, affection ( not sex) communication, etc., begged to go to counseling, etc.<BR>My stupid pride and being afraid of my emotions - like needing affection, attention, communication ( though it made me a needy person) - have driven her away. I cant fault her for the affair - really. She was looking for affection. When I woke up and realized what was going on - yeah, I got out-of-control with my emotions. She went thru so many changes in that time, something had to be up. I checked, hacked into her email, hired a PI , all because I wanted to know, and also to stop any action with our son. I didnt know what was gonna happen , and i needed to ensure that he wasn't gonna be screwed up by having another guy replace daddy.<BR>How , I wish, want, pray, for her to talk to me about this stuff - cause I feel that WE can get thru this. Instead of allowing stuff to happen and dealing with it,I LB'd all the time.<BR>I guess I cant give her that willingness or anything else. I miss her,our home, our son, our cats, the way she watched the weather channel for hours, complained about me watching wrasslin', the way she smelt , her dopey-eyed look in the morning, the way she would say "my guys" when referring to both Jake and I - God, I loved belonging to her. <P>Yeah,, it all sounds too good to be true folks. Why did you treat me that way, she says. I have so much anger towards you she tells me. I cant say anything other than You didnt deserve that crap and I am sorry.<BR>I feel that this has been the wakeup call that I deserved- or needed- because I feel more empathetic, caring, more ok with Rob ( thats me) and more understandingof others. I wish I would have taken our relationship more seriously and not made fun of those who scheduled time for their spouse. I wish I would have - and there is noone else I would rather do that for now than you Heidi. I pledge to you an hour of day just for you, as well as a date nite, where you and I and maybe Jake- go do things , and be a couple.<P>I am sorry Heidi I didnt make you happy. <BR>I am sorry I wasn't the Prince Charming of the fairy tale.<P>I just miss you.<P><BR>Folks, If ya read it - please make a comment - even if you wanna tell me to blow it out my ear. <P>I just miss her terribly - and know I screwed up so bad.<P>thanks, Cov.<P>[This message has been edited by covenant (edited January 11, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by covenant (edited January 11, 2000).]

Rob, <P>tears......lots of tears.....<P>even if you are divorced....if the letter is honest, and even if nothing ever comes of it, why not send it...inside a nice 'friendship' card....<P>It is a beautiful letter...i identify with it so very much.....my H had the affair...but I was this close to being the walkaway wife, yet the things you blame yourself for, I could look in a mirror and say those same things to myself....<P>I would send it....it's too truthful..from the heart.......for her not to know....<P>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>so maybe you wanted a martyr....just a regular gal would'nt do..but baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you...Jim Croce

I agree. Why not send it? What do you have to lose? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I dont know if I should send it. It may push her over the edge. Besides, I feel like the comments I made about her guilt may upset her.<P>She has asked for time and space, yet I dont give it to her - now we are divorced, I dont want to keep on "pushing" her. It only hurts her more. I may be inflicting more pain by asking and appearing needy to her.<P>Or maybe I will.

covenant,<BR>Very well written. You brought tears to my eyes!<P>That is something I wish my H would read. If he only would listen to how I've been feeling for all these years. <P>Thanks!<P>

Rob,<P>I'll get back after Abbey's in bed.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Absolutely beautiful. I think she needs to know.<P>Lori

Rob,<P>I know it hurts like hell. I love you brother. I can relate oh so much to this .<P>My honest advice, I won't sugar coat.<P><B>Do Not Send This</B> At least not now.<P>If you don't give Heidi the space she craves it could be seen as a LB in the form of disrespectful judgment, and selfush demands.<P>Remember she is still angry w/you. You wrote a week or so ago about a real bad seen at I think your moms house. Not to mention the years of resentment you wrote about.<P>I'm not saying take your ball and go home. What I'm saying is fall back take time for your self and regroup.<P>What to do? <B>Plan-A!!</B> What I mean by that is this. In your everyday dealings w/her for the next few months commit <B>ZERO</B>lovebusters.ie: Angry Outbursts...Disrespectful Judgements...Selfish Demands...Dishonesty...<P>Do you have the book lovebusters?<P>Read it...<BR>Learn it...<BR>Live it...<P>When you are around her and you feel yourself getting mad... let it roll off...bite your tongue...or leave<P>Do not show it to her.<P>You know where you can vent it.<P>You are going to have to let her <B>see</B> the changes in you. Not show her.<P>She will test you... try and anger you...don't fall for it.<P>I could go on and on...<P>Even if you don't get back together, Jake will be able to see mommy and daddy getting along. And you and Heidi will get along better.<P>As heartfelt as this letter will be I'd give her the space she needs. Wait a little while plan-a her, let her feel comfortable around you again.<P>This will be the hardest thing you ever do...<P>At least it is for me.<P>Words of Wisdom from a guy that is flying by the seat of his pants.<P>I love you, dump away on us everyday if you have to.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Rob,<P>I do not know your story as intimately as Bill and he is telling you not to send this yet. I can't argue with that since I k=don't know enough.<P>But, I would suggest you call Steve Harley and do a session or two with him. he can help you with how to interact with your wife and he can also give you guidance ont he letter -whether or not to send it and he will edit it for you so that it says the same things, but from a 100% positive aspect. Sometimes we don't realize how our best intentions miss the mark!<P>Roll Me Away<P> <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

thanks to all - i will not send this because of the resentment towards her and it would be seen as being disrespectful.<P>I thought about this all nite long, wanting to send it, not wanting to send it. I wish their was clandestine way for her to see it. She knows I post here, and I hope she sometimes lurks here to see what I post. She has seen the nasty, rage I have posted, maybe she will see the good stuff to.<P>I realize maybe too late that I played all this wrong. No space, begging , pleading, etc. All when I was posting here and at the DB site. I bought all the books and read them. I just never internalized them.<P>I hear all the time about people reconciling after a bad breakup, seen the movies, etc..<P>Her walls are up so high, it hurts.<P>Thanks again folks.