After talking with my therapist, he advised me that I should use anger and fear as my friend. When I realize that I am angry or fearful of my wife not being able to decide whether she wants to be married to me anymore,or her contact with the OM continues, I need to take the anger or fear and recognize that it is trying to tell me something, not fall into the trap of letting it be a catalyst to say or do something in a LBing fashion. Through working out internally what exactly the issues are behind my fear or anger, I can get through this. This was put to the test last night as my wife informed me that the OM called her and they talked. I was hurt and told her so, but in a kind way. I told her that although I understand that she is very confused and does not know what she wants, In not "blowing up" at her over her contact, I was in no way condoning the contact. Today, I face a much tougher test as this is the day that the OM is scheduled to be at her job. We had a very pleasant day yesterday and when I dropped her off at work, she gave me a very passionate kiss and hug. After her conversation with the OM, her demeanor changed completely. She acted completely stressed out, distant and tired. She even acted like she wanted to start a fight, or expected one. She looked at me after telling me about him calling and said,"You aren't going to start being sh***y with me now are you?" I just said that everything was cool, that I understood, then I hugged her. I am sure it was due in part to her fear of my reaction. I am learning as I go here and am very new to this forum. I have posted before under the Subject "Did I botch Plan A before I knew about Plan A?" Anyone have any words of wisdom for me regarding anything here or in my previous posts? I have only been at this since 1/1/2000, but my goodness it is SO hard. Do you ever get over the urge to cry?

scanman,<P>You are doing <B>very</B> good...<P>Definitely the right moves for a "pure" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Keep it up with the NO <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!<BR>And whenever possible meet those <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of hers...<P>Unquestionably... good strides...<P>BTW: Yes... we all cry... the women <B>and</B> men. Sometimes in spurts... sometimes everyday. The hurt stays.<P>In time it gets better... but the hurt stays.<P>Keep posting... <P>Jim

Wow, you deserve a medal and a parade.<P>I didn't have to deal with my H making the decision. I should keep reminding myself how lucky I am. His affair was over before I found out and he had already decided to stay in the marriage.<P>The anger advice sounds interesting. <P>When I was having to really work on Plan A (back when I didn't really feel like it, but knew I had to do it) I would work so hard to control my anger toward my H that I would then turn around and express to others with very little provoking. I would have road rage and the worst to control was Walmart Grocery Cart Rage. I was short tempered with my children. It was like the anger had to get out somehow. I started jogging. I would just allow myself to get really worked up, send it all to my feet and take off, by the end of a couple of miles I wasn't angry and I was tired.

Keep it up , it sounds to me like you are doing fine and right where you should be.<P>CRYING?? I personally keep kleenex is business.