How do I stop driving my husband away? - 04/15/09 07:59 PM
This is my first post here, I don't think there is any one big thing that is an issue in this marriage, it just seems to be a lot of little things that bother me, probably more than they should, and I don't know what to do.
My husband is American, I am not. He was stationed in my country where we met a few years ago. At that time he was separated from his wife.
We were in a long distance relationship for about a year, I would fly to see him once a month for 1-2 weeks. During one of my trips to see him we decided it was too hard to say goodbye, and we decided to get married. He was still not divorced however.
This because issue number one. He was staying married to his wife, even though by his statements she mentally and physically abused him throughout the entire course of their marriage, so she would still be covered under his health insurance. He told me he would file for divorce and she would not contest it in June after she was covered under another plan, and we would get married. Well June rolled around and he did not file, I would ask him, and he would say on next week, next week, I called her and she needs me to wait a week. Well come July he comes home one day and says "Great news! She told me she will be covered in late August so we can get married then instead of September!" I was floored, I said "what are you talking about, you never said we were waiting until September!" He told me I just must have forgotten him telling me that.
There is no way I would forget that, as if we had waited until September I would have had to leave the country and get a marriage Visa to come back, and that can take months. This turns into a huge thing, I refuse to stay in the States illegally so she can have health insurance, which was what he wanted me to do. He goes through with the divorce and we get married.
The actual marriage is another thing I am still angry about. He has told me many times about his first marriage, how it was on a beach, he bought the woman two wedding dresses, a very nice ring etc etc. I never wanted to hear any of this, I do not know why he would tell me, it would just come up in unrelated conversation. Oh and he keeps their wedding pictures on a disk he keeps by his computer (I refuse to look at them). He tells me we cannot afford a big wedding. That is fine, I understand. He tells me we will have a small ceremony with a man who does discounts for people in the military.
I go shopping, I spend days and I am so happy, I find a very pretty dress for $10 (please do not laugh). The day of the wedding we drive into town to where the man who will do the ceremony works. It is a post office. The man is not there. My husband never even called him apparently, he just found his information on the internet and assumed he would be there. Two college students in the post office are there and they are the ones who stamp our marriage certificate. They laugh at us. I am so embarrassed.
Our honeymoon. I never expected one. My husband says he will make up the marriage ceremony with a very nice honeymoon the next month. It never happens. I ask, he gets mad and says it will happen later. I don't bring it up again, I don't want it to seem like all I care about is him spending money. I really just want him to care about our marriage, I want it to be special to him.
He talks about the things he used to do with his ex wife all the time. One of the things is horseback riding. I love horseback riding. I ask him if we can go. He gets mad, says he does not have the time. He gets home from work and hardly says anything to me. At night he wants sex. I don't want to anymore, but I do so he will be happy.
He spends hours every night on the computer playing video games and looking at porn. I tell him all the porn bothers me, he tells me he will not look at it. This is a lie, he starts leaving it on the desktop, and on the iPod I bought him before I quit my job and moved here. I don't bring up the lie because I do not want him to be angry.
I clean the house and make all the meals. I do not leave the house during the day as I do not have a car, and there is nothing within walking distance. My immigration is processing still, I cannot get a job.
I quit my job to move here, I hate it here. There is crime every day, people were shooting guns outside our house a month ago. My home was not like this. I love my husband but I am so alone and so scared. If he divorces me I do not know what I will do, I was very lucky to have the job I quit when I moved here, I do not know if I can find another one like that.
There is more to this, but I have posted too much I think, it is long enough already. I feel so much resentment to him, how do I not show it? How do I move on and be happy? Please help
My husband is American, I am not. He was stationed in my country where we met a few years ago. At that time he was separated from his wife.
We were in a long distance relationship for about a year, I would fly to see him once a month for 1-2 weeks. During one of my trips to see him we decided it was too hard to say goodbye, and we decided to get married. He was still not divorced however.
This because issue number one. He was staying married to his wife, even though by his statements she mentally and physically abused him throughout the entire course of their marriage, so she would still be covered under his health insurance. He told me he would file for divorce and she would not contest it in June after she was covered under another plan, and we would get married. Well June rolled around and he did not file, I would ask him, and he would say on next week, next week, I called her and she needs me to wait a week. Well come July he comes home one day and says "Great news! She told me she will be covered in late August so we can get married then instead of September!" I was floored, I said "what are you talking about, you never said we were waiting until September!" He told me I just must have forgotten him telling me that.
There is no way I would forget that, as if we had waited until September I would have had to leave the country and get a marriage Visa to come back, and that can take months. This turns into a huge thing, I refuse to stay in the States illegally so she can have health insurance, which was what he wanted me to do. He goes through with the divorce and we get married.
The actual marriage is another thing I am still angry about. He has told me many times about his first marriage, how it was on a beach, he bought the woman two wedding dresses, a very nice ring etc etc. I never wanted to hear any of this, I do not know why he would tell me, it would just come up in unrelated conversation. Oh and he keeps their wedding pictures on a disk he keeps by his computer (I refuse to look at them). He tells me we cannot afford a big wedding. That is fine, I understand. He tells me we will have a small ceremony with a man who does discounts for people in the military.
I go shopping, I spend days and I am so happy, I find a very pretty dress for $10 (please do not laugh). The day of the wedding we drive into town to where the man who will do the ceremony works. It is a post office. The man is not there. My husband never even called him apparently, he just found his information on the internet and assumed he would be there. Two college students in the post office are there and they are the ones who stamp our marriage certificate. They laugh at us. I am so embarrassed.
Our honeymoon. I never expected one. My husband says he will make up the marriage ceremony with a very nice honeymoon the next month. It never happens. I ask, he gets mad and says it will happen later. I don't bring it up again, I don't want it to seem like all I care about is him spending money. I really just want him to care about our marriage, I want it to be special to him.
He talks about the things he used to do with his ex wife all the time. One of the things is horseback riding. I love horseback riding. I ask him if we can go. He gets mad, says he does not have the time. He gets home from work and hardly says anything to me. At night he wants sex. I don't want to anymore, but I do so he will be happy.
He spends hours every night on the computer playing video games and looking at porn. I tell him all the porn bothers me, he tells me he will not look at it. This is a lie, he starts leaving it on the desktop, and on the iPod I bought him before I quit my job and moved here. I don't bring up the lie because I do not want him to be angry.
I clean the house and make all the meals. I do not leave the house during the day as I do not have a car, and there is nothing within walking distance. My immigration is processing still, I cannot get a job.
I quit my job to move here, I hate it here. There is crime every day, people were shooting guns outside our house a month ago. My home was not like this. I love my husband but I am so alone and so scared. If he divorces me I do not know what I will do, I was very lucky to have the job I quit when I moved here, I do not know if I can find another one like that.
There is more to this, but I have posted too much I think, it is long enough already. I feel so much resentment to him, how do I not show it? How do I move on and be happy? Please help