Just Friends? - 03/05/03 07:41 PM
Should a spouse continue a friendship that began when we were separated?
My story: met when we were 16, together 25 years, married 23 years, separated a few times. Basically, I took on most of the responsibilities and he was slow to mature (I take my share of the blame here). Our final separation was last summer (2 months). We had reached a crossroads where he ordered a motorcycle without my knowledge, let alone enthusiastic agreement. This was after many years of spending and denial that there was a problem.
After counseling (individual), we reconciled in September. I was aware there was a friend in the picture. I found a few emails, innocent in appearance, but he had saved them so I wondered. I didn't think much of it until just after the holidays, when we were in the same bar as the friend. A friend of mine pointed her out. For the rest of the evening I observed my H acting very uncomfortable.
I didn't confront him until a month later, when we were going to that same bar (he plays in a band there about once a month). I decided that I needed to know where his heart was at. So I told him I had heard that he was still in contact with her. He didn't deny it - in fact, he said it had been eating at him, and it didn't feel right, but he didn't know how to end it. I told him that his behavior was hurting me, and hurting his friend by leading her on all these months.
We've had quite a few discussions about this. I have asked him to have NC with her. He hasn't kept that promise for more than a week at a time. He says not to worry, he is where he wants to be. I believe that, because all of his actions prove that (except one).
I told him this morning that I will stop worrying when he stops feeling the pull from her.
Any advice/encouragement is greatly appreciated.
My story: met when we were 16, together 25 years, married 23 years, separated a few times. Basically, I took on most of the responsibilities and he was slow to mature (I take my share of the blame here). Our final separation was last summer (2 months). We had reached a crossroads where he ordered a motorcycle without my knowledge, let alone enthusiastic agreement. This was after many years of spending and denial that there was a problem.
After counseling (individual), we reconciled in September. I was aware there was a friend in the picture. I found a few emails, innocent in appearance, but he had saved them so I wondered. I didn't think much of it until just after the holidays, when we were in the same bar as the friend. A friend of mine pointed her out. For the rest of the evening I observed my H acting very uncomfortable.
I didn't confront him until a month later, when we were going to that same bar (he plays in a band there about once a month). I decided that I needed to know where his heart was at. So I told him I had heard that he was still in contact with her. He didn't deny it - in fact, he said it had been eating at him, and it didn't feel right, but he didn't know how to end it. I told him that his behavior was hurting me, and hurting his friend by leading her on all these months.
We've had quite a few discussions about this. I have asked him to have NC with her. He hasn't kept that promise for more than a week at a time. He says not to worry, he is where he wants to be. I believe that, because all of his actions prove that (except one).
I told him this morning that I will stop worrying when he stops feeling the pull from her.
Any advice/encouragement is greatly appreciated.