I'm Feeling Very Depressed - Need Your Prayers

Marriage Builders

My friends,
Today, my W calls me at work to let me know that she has orientation at her job tomorrow. When she was done speaking, I asked her if she had any plans with the kids on Sunday, because there was pasta dinner at the church on Sunday. "I not involved with the church", she said. I told her that I wanted to know if she had any plans with the kids. Anyway, she was kinda ok with me taking the kids.
Then she calls back and explains that I am pushing religion on her kids. They don't have to go to church week. They knowing right from wrong is enough. Getting a good job is important. That she doesn't want her children to be nerdy and religious, or be closed off the world like "you were". Basicaly, it was attack me as much as she could on a relgious level now.
Then she brought up about the D and that whoever she decides, if she deccides, to remarry will have to be liked by the kids, not as a daddy substitute, but as her H. Again, she extolled her perfectness and upbringing, etc.
Then she closed by telling me that they are her children and the courts award the kids to their mother, because they carried them and gave birth to them, AND I KNOW BEST. Therefore, only take the kids every other Sunday to church. I told her, "I am not going to argue with you." "Your right, you can't", she said and huhg up.

I felt depressed the rest of the day.

On the way home, I had thoughts of wanting God to take me to His Home. How I can't deal with this emotional pain everyday. I was crying, screaming and because I was very tired just wanted to crash the car. *SG - knows about my sleeping behind the wheel lately. I drive over hours round trip everyday, and these thoughts have been ther in the past. Then when I was about 20 minutes from home, I had the fear that I was going through the spiritual drought that is mentioned in one of the chapters of "The Purpose Driven Life". So my "bad" thoughts departed.

When I got home, again, she tires to control me. Telling me we will only buy one book collection for our D for school. She tells me how to spend the money I make, but she takes the money she makes and keeps buying gifts for the kids for Christmas (I said we should get some more and she said no we can't afford it, but she can go and buy them).

Sorry for the BMC (bit**/moan/complain) but it helps me get in touch with what's going on for me.

I sat down with the kids to eat dinner, after W left, and I felt stern and numb. I was not the happy-go-lucky daddy I usually am. I found the other day that our D doesn't pray for mommy and daddy any more (she had been in the summer) when I asked her whaat she prays for. Tonight, I found it was because mommy told her to stop (don't know details).

SO I AM REALLY DEPRESSED! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I want to know what/who is her cheering section on this: her family said I changed and she should give me a chance; they are now backing her because they never back any family members on anything and they feel guilty; our neighbors (many of them women) give me sympathetic looks when they ask how things are going; her friends appear to be in my corner. Please help me and pray. I am asking God to show me who is pumping her with all this. Who is Satan using as an accomplice?

Thanks for your prayers in the past and for praying for me now.

TTSMM <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have been to that place you are in at times. I will put you on prayer list also.

Lord, we bring before you Tryingtosavemymarriage, and stand in your faith on the word, that you will intervene in this situation. Please send your holy spirit to fill up and comfort any void and pain they are experiencing, like no person can. I plead the blood of Jesus over them and stand on the 91st Psalm In the Name of Jesus. AMEN.

TTSMM - BMC all you want. I think its better to get it all out here than to harbor it inside and then blow up at others.

I feel for you, I really really do. Being married to an unbeliever is SO hard sometimes. This morning I was feeling kinda down too... then on my way to work I heard Steven Curtis Chapman sing "His Strength Is Perfect" and it hit home - His Strength is what I have to rely on, not my own. It helped me so much. I will pray for you, that God will cover You in His strength.

Ok how about a little pep talk. I think you are doing the right thing in taking the children to church and assuring that they are exposed to Jesus and His Word. You are doing what God expects of a Christian man, by being the spiritual head of your household. God will honor you for your faithfulness to His word. You have given so many here wonderful advice and it shows you are strong in the word, please keep being that way. You may be the only 'Jesus' your children (and wife for that matter) may ever see. Now, about 3 years ago my prayer partner (she is in the same situation as I married to an alcoholic unbeliever) and I were talking about why God has us in our marriages. We both came to the same conclusion at the same time that He put us in their lives to pray for them, and that we probably are the only Jesus they will see. I think maybe that is why you're in your wife's life also.... so please don't give up praying for her.... God wants her saved and reborn more than you do. His heart breaks over her rebellion too.

Today the verses "Bless those that persecute you" and "Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good" have been jumping out at me. I will pray the Lord blesses you abundantly and that He will bless your wife and reveal to her that the blessings are from Him.

Don't give up brother... you are a wonderful inspiration to us all and I thank God for you being there to lead your children and wife to Christ.

God bless,

AW

I also feel for you for I know what you are going through. I have been going through it for a long time. I have been depressed for 3 years. Even though sometimes I don't act like it I never let go of God because I know He is my only hope. My husband claims he is trying to give his life back to the Lord but he lives with ow. I told him I think it is wrong and he says "Well God hasn't told me it is wrong". He knows about God and what Gods word says. I have asked God to take me home also because I feel like I can't take this any more. I do realize we have to put our faith and trust in HIM. I have been standing for my marriage for 4 years now. It's just sometimes it gets hard, you know waiting for the Lord to work in our lives but He works in His time not in ours. Praying for you

[ November 22, 2003, 01:04 AM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]

AW and Cheryls,
Thank you for your words. I am reading this at 2:00 am, can't sleep, what else is new. But, your prayers are comforting. You know what I have discovered is that unlike anything else in the world, you can pray for others even when you are feeling down. I mean you can't teach someone how to drive a car if you don't have one or know how to yourself, prayer can always been said for another no matter what.
I don't if that makes any sense, but what do you at 2:00 AM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God, our All-Knowing Father in Heaven, shower your daughters here with Your Wisdom so they can better understand their roles in Your Divine and PERFECT Plan for Your children. Touch our being with Precious Blood of Jesus, so we feel the comfort of knowing He is in our lives. Send the Holy Spirit to guide us in our lives so that we accept what is placed before. Amen.

God Bless and Good Night,
TTSMM

[ November 22, 2003, 03:42 AM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]

Dear Trying:

In addition to praying for your marriage I am going to pray for your health and emotional well being. I'm praying for God to help you sleep.

The devil wants you tired - it's easier to work on your emotions then.

Lord, I lift this child of yours to you. Lord, you said you would never give us anything beyond what we could handle and in everything you would supply a place of rest.
Be with him TODAY. Trying, look behind you. Goodness and MERCY shall follow you ALL the days of your life! Turn around and see the goodness and mercy of God following you!

in Christ,

Angelia

Trying,

I have felt the same way many times. The pain has bad that I have ask God to take me because I couldn't take the pain anymore. It has been a long four years. God has gotten me through. I went through some of the same stuff this past week with my son. Praise God, he delivered my son.
My husband use to say, " his family was perfect, well not perfect because there isn't a perfect family but mine was as close to it as you can get." I knew this was bull. I knew the problems in his family. They were as loud and noticeable as mine family's was but they were just as harmful.

The problem was that I kept telling him what was wrong with his family especially when it came to defending my family. I had to learn that it was God's job to tell my husband these things. Slowly he has learned that his family has dysfunction also. All families have dysfunction. Look at the first family. Cain killed Able.

You wife is being lie to by Satan. You know that being good enough will never be enough to get you into heaven. Keep praying for your wife to be released from Satan's prison. Satan has been defeated. Claim this, let Satan know that he will not your get your family. Let him know that you will keep praying for them and that you will not give in.

Please don't despair about what your wife says. She is fighting God. If she didn't believe in the power of God then she would not have ask your daughter to stop praying. God is working on her. Just keep praying. No weapon forged against you or your family can prosper. She is afraid for your children to go to church. She is afraid of God.

I will be praying for you. Hang on.

gentle

blended,
I forgot to thank you in my last post. I am going to read the 91st Psalm when I am done posting tonight.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Please don't despair about what your wife says. She is fighting God. If she didn't believe in the power of God then she would not have ask your daughter to stop praying. God is working on her. Just keep praying. No weapon forged against you or your family can prosper. She is afraid for your children to go to church. She is afraid of God. <hr /></blockquote>gentle,
Thank you. My eyes flew wide open and I felt tender warm thoughts (almost cried). "If she didn't believe in the power of God then she would not have ask your daughter to stop praying. Of course she would say something else; "I'm manipulating our D, she doesn't want our D to get her hopes up for something mommy has control over", or some other suposed rational answer.
But I think your answer makes so much more sense: the devil is telling her to control her D because he knows the power of prayer.

angelia,
Thank you for that prayer of rest. I really can use it. Today was a very busy day, chores, fun with kids, going to the store for W twice because she had cravings (no she is not pregnant - that was taken care of after our S was born - her not me). Then tomorrow, we (kids and I) have a five hour pasta party at the church. They'll be games, and wreath making, etc. So, I'll be tired once more. Maybe I'll sneak some sleep in our bed when my W is at tomorrow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks again,
TTSM

[ November 22, 2003, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: tryingTOsaveMYmarriage ]

Well, after all the work I am doing on myself, I blow it with my W. I was trying to let her know that she needs to ease up on the kids (criticism). She said she turned on OK, not like you (me). I won't elab on the details, but, I let her know that all/most of the neighbors think she is wrong for having waited until we got the house to file. I said this after she verbally attacked my F and faith.
Wrong all the way around for me.
How can she ever be saved, let alone the M.
Even though I prayed for the fruits today, I can say that when I was started the conversation, I was trying to prove her wrong. Where was the love in that?
I hate myself for this.

Trying...to pull my M back together. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I asked God for a definitive sign if He was going to restore my M: either she says she is willing to give it try and that I have a long list of things I will have to do; or, she brings up something from our past that she misses from me. I have heard that this is not testing God, and I discussed this sg, and God hasn't shown me anything. In fact, I am experiencing a spiritual draught right now. So God, doesn't want ME to save the M. Lest we forget, I am the WS and the believer and she is the BS and a non-believer. Also, I don't remember which Gospel, but yes, God doesn't like D; however, when in the case sexual immorality (adultery).
For the others here, 99% of which are BS and believers trying to save thier M's to a WS and non-believer, I can see God saying to stand in there. I have no grounds to stand on as the WS, she's filed, she doesn't love me, she starts arguments in front of the kids, I SEE NO HOPE. I don't see God wanting to save it.
This in no way means I am going to turn on faith, even with her constant belittling, etc.

Unfortunately, the children and their home, and future are the ones who suffer.

Can you tell I am really down right now. I could keep on typing anf BMCing, but I am too sad.

I know God forgives me, and doesn't tire of me coming back to Him for the same problems over nad over again, unlike us. But my W will never forgive me, she doesn't care or love me, she pushes and criticizes anyone who doesn't agree with her and the D including her family members.

Trying..........

Trying, I was reading your post and believe me I understand how you feel. I think what happens to us is if we don't see any changes in our marriages we tend to think nothing is changing or even if it ever will. You said God hasn't shown you anything. A lot of times that is just the way it is, God is working, we just can't see it. I think these boards are good in some ways and in some ways they are not. I'm not saying that the advice we get is necessarily wrong but we do have to remember that it is just another person's view. I think we should only put our trust and faith in God. As I said I'm not saying people are trying to turn our heads with their opinions(after all we ask for them) and I have given some of my own opinions but I do think that if we listen to what others say instead of keeping our eyes on the Lord and his word, that we will begin to sink. I have a problem with looking at my situation and not beyond it. I think when we do this we do start to sink. We have to remember that faith is unseen. You are right, God hates divorce but satan is the one who wants your marriage to be destroyed, not God. As I said I know the people on this board mean well but no one but God knows what you are going through or the answers you need right now.

Thanks Cheryls,
I know deep down you are right. It is just so difficult to keep that in front of me.
It would be helpful if anyone on MB who is a WS/believer is being D'd by thier BS/non-believer. I appreciate everyone's advice, etc. here, just without some similarity to my situ, it is hard to hold for the M.
Like S&C, he is the BS and a believer, his W the WS, BUT a believer as well. It seems the BS are always believers and the WS either a non-believer or faulting in thier faith.

God bless,
TTSMM

Even though the situations are not the same, God can still turn any situation around. My situation looks completely hopeless, I have been told that by so many. I stay depressed and have been for years. I don't know, maybe that is why God hasn't restored my marriage yet. I still believe in God's word. No marriage is to far gone for Him to restore. I still cause a lot of problems in mine because I haven't completely gotten rid of the bitterness towards my husband, and I know I have to. I can't seem to control my anger towards him even though he has been coming around more lately. When I keep this bitterness towards him it just pushes him farther away. Anyway I didn't mean to get off the track, I really only wanted to say that nothing is impossible with God.

You didn't get off the track. We are all here to help each other, to vent and the heal. Sharing your prayers and your experiences is helpful.
God Bless you,
TTSMM

TTSMM,

I know how hard it can be trying to save something you believe is hopeless. Let me assure you though, IT IS NOT HOPELESS! The times we think it is, we need to get on our knees & PRAY FERVENTLY!

I am the BS/believer and my H is the WH/faltering believer. Before this happened, we both had the same Christian beliefs & tried to put Jesus first of all in our lives. He would always make decisions for the family or himself based on WWJD (what would Jesus do). That's why all of this is so shocking for me. I thought his belief system was the same as mine. We were raising our children to follow the Ten Commandments & to thank God for every blessing that comes our way.

So, I cannot relate to your situation entirely, but I can be here for emotional support & try to give the best scriptural advice possible. I know that most of the time, I look for everyone else's support, but I've really been trying to support other people. Please remember you're not in this alone. Jesus is holding your hand. The times you feel depressed the most, read Psalms. They are very comforting words. I read Psalms for comfort & Proverbs for wisdom daily.

And also remember that the feeling of hopelessness comes from Satan. He wants us to give up hope, to believe there is no light at the end of the tunnel, to believe that God really isn't capable of restoring our marriages and that's just simply not true. If we do believe that, we are giving in to Satan and he wins. Remember this is a spiritual war, that what our WS tell us are based on Satan's control of their spirit right now. And in order to win the spiritual battle, we must put on the full armour of God and fight God's way, not by human standards.

Hope this helps. God bless!

trying,

You said you had ask God to give you a sign that He is going to restore your marriage. You ask for the answer to be in the form of your wife saying something. This is faith with "seeing." You want it to come from the horse's mouth. Maybe your wife is not in a place where God will use her to answer like this right now. If she was to say something like you ask, then you would expect a change on her part right now, or a commitment to the marriage or the restoration of the marriage.

Remember it is God's time not our time. Please be open to answers to prayers that come from somewhere besides your wife's mouth. She is not here yet. I fast for three days and prayed for God to show me he wanted my marriage restored. At the end of the fast God answered my prayer with something my husband did, not what he said. Remember when Satan has taken us captive, our words and actions do not line up. There was no way my husband was going to say he was going to even think about working on our marriage. His words gave me no hope. Actions do speak louder than words. I learned not to bring up the marriage or divorce to my husband. This way I didn't have to here the dreaded," I'm not coming home, or God didn't mean for us to be together in the first place," or any of those words that can cut so deep.

To this day, my husband's words do not always match his actions. God is working on him and he has been all along. His words just started matching his actions about 8 months ago.

I know you would like to have someone in the same situation you are in to compare to. When I first started believing God would restore my marriage, everyone I talked to at the restore ministries spouse had left for an OW or OM. Mine left because our marriage was bad. I felt my situation was so different from the others and it got to me. My case had to be different. Satan would use this to discourage me. I know several others that is in the same situation now, but at the time I didn't.

I believe God wanted me to deal with me. I don't think God wanted me to have anyone to compare to or I may have depended more on their story than the story God was writing for me. Does that make sense?

Let God speak to you in away He choses. Faith is being sure of the things we hope for that we have not seen. No two stories are the same. I am surprised that it has taken so long for my husband to come home. There were many times that I, just like you, wanted God to confirm for me that He was going to restore this marriage. He would always bring someone along at just the right time. Sometimes it was someone that ended up beside me in class that needed to be ministered to because their husband had left them and they were broken. Sometimes it would be a story told in a class or service that told of a marriage being restored. There has been many ways God has confirmed for me. I had to learn to hear Him. I still have trouble sometimes when I get caught up in the world.

I do hope this helps you. Please don't go by what your wife is saying or not saying. My husband was divorcing me and God still answered me by something my husband did. Look for the little things. Look for the things that are personnel. Things that only you and God would know about. That is why we are in awe of what He does.

gentle

[ November 25, 2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]

All,
I was typing away for the past 45 minutes a reply to Cheryls and I hit the bleeping Escape key. Gone was all my of my reply.

After the screen cleared, I saw the postings from Standing and gentle.

Anyway...

I took Cherlys's advice yesterday and kept my mouth shut. I am having my teeth bleached at night and yesterday morning my jaw was in pain and I was very tired, so I did not go to work. I took the opportunity to catch up on balacing our bills, and some other things. I didn't get very far with that.

After our D went to school, my W went back to sleep and a short while later, storms down the stairs furious. Telling me not to get the wrong impression about her making Thanksgiving dinner. It is for the kids. Then she just exploded and laced in to me for waht seemed like housr (30-45 minutes). She called me everything imaginable: "wish you were dead", "you never were a good husband to begin with", "I will never make love to you again, I can't see myself doing it", "go and find someone else who will satisfy your perverse sexual needs, they do exist, but are rare", "I only worry that the slut you find will look like a slut and be around my (our) children", "if I (her) find someone, I might start a relationship, you (me) should do the same", "it's over, why do I have to keep telling you, I (her) am just waiting for the court summons to come in and I will be rid of you". She went through a wide range of emotions: hurt, anger, pride (she is perfect), distrust, loathing, etc.

During this tirade, I kept my mouth shut and prayed to the Holy Spirit. I wanted to answer, but kept silent. I tried not to stare at her, but it felt awkward, and it felt like I was staring. And what do you think happened during this volcanic eruption of hers? She tells me that she would do me favors, after the D, becaue she can't forget that I taught her how to drive. She also mentioned that, even though I was a lousy husband, she does remember that I always supported her in whatever business/career she wanted to venture in.

Praise be to Our Almighty Father in Heaven.

The "signs" I had asked God for were either: my W says outright that she wants to work on the M and that I will have to follow wahtever she says; or, for her to mention some past times or memories that meant someting to her. Well....

NOW I AM COMPLETELY SCARED!

How do I act?
What do I say?
What do I do?

Last night, we spent about 30 minutes each, combing eachother's hair. Now don't get the RIGHT idea here. We took our D to the Dr yesterday because my W found a bug in her hair. It was a louse (lice). So I asked my W to leave work early because cleaning the kids, clothes and house, was too much for me handle at 8 o'clock at night.

She was very reluctant at first, but she finally did. It felt great to touch my W's smooth, silky hair, and to be sitting that close to her. She wore a robe (with nothing on underneath). Why not here PJ's or any otehr clothes, I don't know. BUt, she kept her on the robe holding it closed. She had to go through my hair as well, but I did not sense anything from her.

GOD DEFINITELY HAS A FUNNY SENSE OF HUMOR!

I pray that God will bring the fruits of the Holy Spirit upon me, so I don't mess this up. Of course, I CAN'T mess up God's Will and Perfect Plan.

I ask that you keep praying for me. In May is our D's First Eucharist. My W has NEVER been in our (my) church since we moved in to the house (it will be 2 years by then). MAYBE, this is when God will change her heart. I say this because, a short while ago, I was angry at her that I said to myself, "Don't allow/invite her or her F to the church ceremony since none of them are believers. I then heard, "That might be where I (The Lord) will save her."

God Bless all of you for your prayers, thoughts and love,
tryingTOsaveMYmarriage

PS I just finished reading the SFM and gentle postings. Thank you. I will ask the Holy Spirit to keep your wise words in my heart and mind.

[ November 26, 2003, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: tryingTOsaveMYmarriage ]

Just hang in there, Trying. I have you in my prayers. God does indeed work in mysterious ways and does answer prayers. Answers may come very quickly or may take years to happen. My W and I can attest to that.

My W prayed hard for me to turn around. When my miracle happened yesterday she asked me how did I pray. She told me that God will not answer the prayer if 1) the timing isn't right 2) or your request isn't correct. I know that in my TG textbooks it mentions those two reasons and there are one or two more but I can't remember them.

Mr.Miew,
You are blessed to have a praying wife.
Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and advice.
If you read loveNcare's posting Let's All Give Thanks you will see how God is working.
I must remember it is in His Hands, and His Will will be done.

God's Blessings to you and your wife,
TTSMM

One wedding gift every couple should get is "motion sickness pills". I am amazed at how many ups and downs I go through on a daily basis.

Tonight, Saturday, my S decided to play games with me by not finishing his dinner. While my W was at work, the kids wanted to watch "Rugrats - All Grown Up", so I let them. But at every commercial, he had to go back to the table to eat. Well 2+ hours later, he still didn't finish. That's when my W came home.

Our S ran up to her. She says, "Funny, the children don't seem to be afraid of me." Then I listened to her for an hour+ extorting how I was a lier, and how I manipulate the truth, how my parents were demented, etc. The usual "stuff" she throws at me. The entire time I stood there and looked at her (trying no to stare). I prayed inside and asked the Holy Spirit for two main gifts during this round: patience and self-control. I also prayed that the Lord would bind Satan from her life, and give me back my wife. When she hit "touchy" buttons of mine, I remembered Jesus dying on the cross for me (and for her).

When she went off about mmy requesting a psych eval for both of us at the D hearing, she asked, "Do you want the kids to grow up in a foster home? If I am npt awarded the kids, you won't get them. The courts will not award you the kids because you are a sex addict." She said that her (my former thearpist) knows all about me and my illness; in fact maybe she'll call him as a psychological witness. That's one area where she blew it. According to the therapist, he can't be a witness for either side; his counselling us is private and can't be discussed in a court of law.

Earlier on in her monologue, she said she was going to get a letter from her lawyer that said she can legally start dating, since she has filed for a D and is in the legal process. She said I should go out and find some "playboy bunny" type of woman, who will have sex with me any way I want. Especially since: all I think women are are toys; I don't think women are people; I never thought she had a brain; since I hate women (I must because I am a lonely man); I did all the dispicable things I did to her in the M; and the list went on.

She did hit on a couple of qualities of mine as compliments: resourcefulness and determination (I think). She said that I (me) would survive and that I shouldn't be scared of her "financially ruining me"; she was only asking the courts for what she deserved. "The courts know all about your type." I have told my lawyer that you are a lier and that you mix a drop of truth in with your lies to make them sound real. Etc.....

Then she started talking about the kids and how she loved them and how she has tried to be a better mother than her mother was. How she is tyring to get past the scars her father left on her from "breaking a pencil" in front of her while he was trying to teach her math and she didn't get it. (Something that does affect her to this day - self-confidence). She hit on other "soft" topics for her self, and through out I kept SILENT. Mostly becaused I prayed for her and myself every time she pusheed a button; and partly because I had my I had my inserts in my mouth (whittening my teeth) so it is difficult to talk. [I hope it was because I a maturing and the Spirit is within me and because of my teeth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ].

Throughout the monologue she would ask me questions and I didn't answer her. About 45 minutes in I nodded my head, yes or no. Every time I wanted to walk a way, I asked the Holy Spirit for direction and He kept my feet planted (some figeting though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

She finally had nothing more to say. So I went down to the basement to get my bedding and when I came up she asked why our D's blanket was not in her room? I tried to answer but with the inserts, which she finally saw, I nodded my head. The unfortunate thing is she probably thinks that I didn't answer her at all during her monologue because I had that in my mouth and not because I am maturing. Oh well, that is for God to show her.

Thanks for letting me BMC, again (and again, and again, .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

God's Blessings,
TTSMM

rying,

It doesn't matter if your wife notices you are maturing, God sees. Your wife will notice in time. Right now she is so angry at you. I don't consider my husband a porn addict, but before he left he would watch porn movies and it really hurt me. He had gotten them before and had me watch them with him but he started watching them by himself. This really hurt me.

After he had left I ask him why he did this. He said , "I don't know, I guess it was like having an affair but, not really." I don't know if you have read the part of my story where I shared that I had hurt my husband about two years before he left. I still believe he is hurt. I thought I was in love with someone. Nothing happened between us, I never even discussed it with the man I was attracted to. He even started dating a friend of mine. I now know I didn't really care for this man I was just angry at my husband for the way I felt he had let me down. I guess he was getting me back. I have ask his forgiveness, but I am not sure if he forgives me.

I have now came to believe that even though H was mad at me about a lot of things going on in our marriage, the leaving me and filing for divorce was a way for him to get me back for hurting him. Watching the movies was to get me back some also. We both betrayed each other. It takes time to heal.

You wife is so mad at you that she is saying anything and everything to hurt you. You know revenge doesn't work in the long run and she will have to deal with what is really bothering her at some point. Your wife sounds like me when I was so mad at my husband. Then he left and I was devastated. I am so thankful this is all behind me now.
I am thankful God has did a work in me were I know I will never love anyone but my husband. Before all this happened I didn't believe in true love. I didn't even really know what love was.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I have been there. Pleas know that deep down inside your wife really doesn't mean these things. She is protecting herself she doesn't want to be hurt again. I don't know if you mentioned it before, but have you ask her to forgive you for the porn? Have you told her she was right to feel the way she does? Even if you have, each time she says things about it, agree with her. Let her know she is right to feel the way she does. No, it is not right for her to act and say the things she does, but God will deal with that part. Your part is to agree with her. Then the rest will work itself out. Even tell her you don't blame her for wanting a divorce. Tell her God has show you different and you know He is working on you. Saying nothing is considered agreeing but I believe her wife needs her feelings validated.

MT 5:25 "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court.

1CO 1:10 I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.

You are maturing keep it up,

gentle

gentle,
There is not much I can say, but thank you!

No, I don't believe I eever apologized for the porn.

As a woman, don't most of you keep a mental note of everything your people say or do to you?,particuarly your H? I mean, she kept hounding me that I was a sex addict, that after many months/years of it, I finally caved and said I was. I seriously don't think I am. I think a lot of it was very latent teenage rebellion, didn't have the opportunity when I was in my teens. BUT, nothing I say or do will ever convince her otherwise (that's God's part).

What I am saying is that, past experience has shown that if I validate her feelings right now, when she is arguing, how do I know she won't hold that against me later? I once told her I was a joiner. I don't even remember the context or situation I mentioned this is. Now she says I will be looking for the right answers the rest of my life; that's why I joined LifeSpring, my mens team, the Catholic church, etc. She says she doesn't need to join anything, "I know what I know, and that is fine for me."

Again, don't take this as resentment towards her. Thre is some, I am just venting, because it is better than fighting with her.

Thanks again,
TTSMM

gentle,
Can you give me the link at MB to the main part of your story. I would like to raed your situ. I am sure it will give me more hope.
God's Blessings,
TTSMM

Trying,

First, I haven't written my entire story in one post yet. I really need to get around to this. I will do a search of my old post here and try pull those together for now.

Yes, women do tend to keep track of everything you so or do to them. But, believe me when someone says, you are right to feel that way and I am sorry , it really does change things. Maybe not right away but it does. Saying something about being a joiner and saying you are sorry for something are two different things. Validating your wife's feelings doesn't say you agree with her actions. It is just saying I understand that what I did hurt you and I am sorry.

You must be Christ to her. She needs Christ. It must begin with you and you know this to be a truth. Yes, there may be times that before your wife is healed that she uses it against you. The important thing is that you are doing what God would have you do. God knows. If He is for you who can be against you? I know this is hard. I had a hard time telling my husband I was sorry for being such a bad wife. I had to ask his forgivness for many things. Some included things that may have not been all my fault. You can't get caught in the blame game. We had both done things wrong and the only part I can ask forgivness for is for what I did. God will deal with what my husband did. Me not asking for forgivness because he might use it against me, is not a reason to not admit for faults. This would hurt only me and my relationship with God.

I hope this makes sense. God made me look at it like this: Christ suffered a terrible death on a cross for my sins. He had not sinned or hurt anyone. He said Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Who was I to not ask for forgivness of the things I did to others? Who was to not forgive those that had hurt me, even if they were still hurting me? I learned that I had to pick up my cross and die to self.

Is her holding it against you really worth it? In time she will come to see how she has sinned against you. The best way for this to happen is for you to be the example and ask her forgivness for all the things you have done to her. There are proably more than you realize. I had to ask God to reveal to me how I hurt my husband, and boy did He. I had to go to my husband each time and tell him I was sorry for what I did to him.

Once, he said I wish you realized this sooner then maybe my heart wouldn't be so hard now. He said this as if it was too late. But time has shown it was not to late and slowly his heart has softened. It really hurt to know I had made my husband's heart hard. This is how things changed.
God would show me my sins I would ask His forgivness and then my husband's forgivness. Each time I would heal more and our relationship would heal. Forgivness is the key. Forgive and ask for forgivness. But I did no wrong...Jesus did no wrong.

be Christ to her,

gentle

trying,

One thing I forgot to mention. You said she kept on about you being addicted to sex until you finally said you were addicted. What matters is she thinks you are addicted. It hurt her deeply. It may not seem like much to you but believe me it hurts. It can hurt as much as an affair. You say her self confidence is low. Don't you think this could have even made her less confident of yourself as a wife and woman. This is not to say you are to blame for all the things wrong with your marriage or her. I am saying you have to look at what you did and work from there.

Let God deal with her.

gentle

Trying,

Just wondered how you are doing? I know it is tough over the holidays when there is strife between spouses. I have found that I like to help people here at this forum if I can, but sometimes the pain and hurt is too much to bear. Too much of the past comes to mind maybe. I just need to take a break once in a while. So I want you to know I don't mean to ignore you.

Yesterday there was a pastor from Maryland named John Cherry who had a sermon on the covenant of marriage. He said no matter what man or anything else said, that God said the covenant was forever. He quoted alot out of Malachi Chapter 2. He said the " wife of our youth " is the woman who bore our children. Get the tape to verify everything I said here. The phone number is 1 800 989 9384. The tape number I believe was FTD 305. The tape is available for $6 plus shipping. The whole series is also available as well. I think there are six tapes in all. He spoke to the men, and then he spoke to the women. he said " a virtuous woman " was one of moral character, and that a christian man had the responsibility to look on her as though she was married. Lots of valuble info.

I believe your wife has many issues, some from even before she met you. Gentle is right that you must be like Christ to her. Remember, she doesn't know what you know. You need to restore her trust, and her dream of a happy and faithful marriage. It will take time, but it will be worth it.

God Bless
singleguy

All,
I am not feeling depressed, much, but I want to use this post as a BMC, keeping my otehr postings CLEAN to praise and worship God.

This weekend the muffler went on the Jeep. She wakes me at 8:30 to tell me that she made an appt at 9:30 for me with the mechanic. Nice way tot start the morning. Anyway, the muffler is shot, plus hte tailpipe, and it is going to cost me $235. Problem is, they don't have the part, because of the dusting of snow we received (12 inches plus) and no deliveries are being made. So he removes the muffler and the tailpipe and tells me it will now sound like a racecar until Monday, when they can replcae the parts.

I get home and tell my W. She is upset because because now people, the neighbors, will look at her like she is some lowlife Hispanic (this is Satan talking). I told her not to look at it that way. The mechanic said, it will sound like a racecar; and who cares what the neighbors think? Wrong question. Where do you think this question lead to? "I don't care what the neighbors think, especially that one. Telling you, or whatever you tow hatched up, that I am a bad mother. etc....." Why does every talk lead to the A and all the "things" that spawned from it?

Then on Sunday, she was baking some cookies and was exhausted after all the work she put into them. (She is really is a good baker!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Then she says that she could have stopped at any time, but that she is stubborn and always has to see things through, even if... I filled in the blanks in my head..."even if I'm wrong", "even if it hurst others", etc. I took it that she would still follow throough with the D even if she had a change of heart, because of her pride. What I should think is that she will follow through with the M in spite of her pride.

Then yesterday, I went Christmas tree shopping, by myself <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , and foudn a nice tree: full but shorter than our usual. Her comment last night wasn't about the tree, but, "Why did you move the table?" "We moved it last year." "No we didn't. There you go again, lying. Why don't you just say that you wanted to move it, instead of making up stories?", etc.
I feel like I can't say a word to her. If I do, it can't include any reference to anything she has said or done or behaving, even if it is neutral,, which I thought this statement about the table was.

Lastly, she calls me today at work, to see if she can have some money. She runs down the list of what she needs and I asked her to pick up a hair brush for me. "No, why would I do that? I don't know what you would want. That is something very personal. Pick it up yourself." I didn't think of it as personal. That shows you waht an idiot I can be sometimes. Besides, I pick up female products for her, still, and I don't take it in any personal way. Well I do, but not negatively.

Thasnk for letting me bit&@.

btw,
I am feeling good. I have Him in my heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God's Blessings,
TTSMM

trying,

Your wife is trying to pick a fight with you over everything so she will not have to feel guilty about wanting the divorce. Satan is using all his tricks.

Just keep being Christ to her. Pray the full armour of God everyday.The battle is His. Don't let Satan steal anything else from you.

Keep loving,

gentle

ttsmm,
gentle is so right. I bet at times your wife is just like mine was, almost demon possessed she is so angry. But that anger is a choice. The sad part of it is is that when I was finally out of the picture, she was still mad, and had to find a new victim. Anger had taken root a long time ago and it just finally had to come out and I happened to be handy. It had nothing to do with what I really did or didn't do. I was just convenient. Most of it was about things that happened a long time before she met me. Anger is a powerful force and she will regret it someday. Too bad she doesn't see it now.

singleguy

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by singleguy:
 she is so angry. But that anger is a choice. The sad part of it is is that when I was finally out of the picture, she was still mad, and had to find a new victim. <hr /></blockquote>Well, sg, I can relate to this. My WH is exactly this way, too!! Still sounds extremely angry every time I talk to him (which is verrry infrequently). I always think: "WHAT are you so angry about?!?! you've got exactly what you wanted......."

THEN I think to myself, "I hope you spew like this to the OTHER "PEOPLE" so close to your life......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> "Let them see how wonderful you can be.........."

Not a very Christ-like statement, I'll admit, BUUUT, it's all due to WH's selfish, sinful life right now, (and trying to live HIS WAY, not God's way) so WHY NOT let God open everybody's eyes to how miserable this whole situation they are in is?

Sorry, just had to join in..........Trying, your W is in a GREAT place now!! Joyce Meyer reminds anyone praying for someone that when they are being convicted of their sins, they will seem to get worse first!! This is b/c satan is losing his hold, and has to work extra hard in trying to make you give up the spiritual fight you are engaging in...........

Hang tough, brother. We're all hanging in with you, and praying with you, too!

gentle and singleguy,
I am always assured of receiving wisdom from you both (as well as many of our other brothers and sisters here). I know your words to be true, and I know the Lord's promises to be true, so I just do my best to keep patient and grow more Christlike every day.

It is difficult to talk with her, as I mentioned, because she will pick a fight, even when she is wrong. Should I just say, "You're right. I'm wrong"? With the insignificance of the table and the tree; what if I say she is right and later we find pics from last Christams showing I was right. Now she will start an arguement saying I was just yessing her.
Can't win.

But I am winning. I know it, and I must keep my eye on the prize.

His Will Be Done (hopefully she will be part of the prize).

God's Blessings,
TTSMM

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> It is difficult to talk with her, as I mentioned, because she will pick a fight, even when she is wrong. Should I just say, "You're right. I'm wrong"? With the insignificance of the table and the tree; what if I say she is right and later we find pics from last Christams showing I was right. Now she will start an arguement saying I was just yessing her.
Can't win.
<hr /></blockquote>Jesus told us, "Agree with your adversary quickly." This was so that we would not continue to create strife. Just a thought. Sometimes it can be very difficult to either keep quiet when we know something someone else said is wrong, or not give our opinion & try to prove they're wrong. I know I'm guilty of it way too many times.