God is Faithful ALWAYS! Very long - 06/06/04 01:28 AM
Well, I've pretty much been telling this "story" in bits and pieces all along. So, I kind of don't even know where to start on this thread.
I just sense that someone needs to see it - all in one chunk, so I'll attempt to keep is short enough to keep anyone from nodding off half-way through it.....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As many of you know, when my H left, on May 18, 2001, he simply left me a NOTE on the TV, and the div papers in the mailbox. I HAD NO CLUE we were having that serious of problems! I just came home from work one day and he was G-O-N-E!!!
Five days later, his son convinced him he had done a shi**y thing, and he should call me, at least. He did. I LB'd. I mean, I ripped him TWO new ones!
I cried, I screamed, I begged......well, I think we all get that picture. He took it. He didn't get mad, or fight back. He didn't try to stop me. I think he KNEW he "deserved" it, and he would just have to get through it, in order to "go on" with his life.
He apologized. Said he didn't know it would hurt me......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
In his defense, we really were distant, separated from each other emotionally. I can see why he thought that........
Still, I thought he could have at least TALKED to me.........TRIED to get through about how "unhappy" he was. DUH!! I was unhappy, too!! We were making each other miserable. Oh, well. NO talking about it now. His mind was made up. He wanted a div. The paperwork had been filed, he had paid an atty.
He continued w/his plan. He was living w/ow, and the atty was working the paperwork through the system. There really was nothing I could do to stop the madness. It was a locomotive out of control. Every time I thought I saw a ray of sunshine at the end of the dark tunnel, it just turned out to be another train headed at me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I spent countless hours trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. I finally ended up searching for "Divorce Recovery" on the internet, and found THIS PLACE. Now this really was a ray of sunlight at the end of a dark tunnel.
I also returned to church. Pity it took something like THIS to make that happen.....
In fact, H had said to me, just days before he left..........
"We REALLY need to start going back to church....."
Then he left! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
So, I went. I cried out to God. I prayed, I begged, I screamed. I mean, I would get in my car, go down the highway at breakneck speeds, and SCREAM till my throat hurt.............
I heard NOTHING from my H. He was D-O-N-E. We were history. I couldn't Plan A him. I couldn't Plan B him. HE WAS GONE.
He had "moved on."
SLowly, I began to accept that we might actually end up divorced. It wasn't what I wanted, but I knew that I had been a very bad W. A very disobedient W. I KNEW that if we DID div. - I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT THAT ON MYSELF with my terrible actions toward the H God had given me. Talk about guilt. Talk about reaping what you sow. I heaped it on. I deserved it.
Slowly, ever so slowly, God began to TRANSFORM me. He changed me. He showed me my sins, and I accepted them, repented of them, and still accepted that if we ended up div. I DESERVED it.
During all this time, MY H AND I NEVER TALKED. He never called me. I wasn't welcome to call HER house (where he lived). I often felt sorry for myself. "Other people on here" I told myself, "At least TALK to their S." I threw a pity party every chance I got!
But in-between all the pity I heaped on myself, God began to change me. Maybe it had something to do with the HOURS I spent reading His Word. I had NOTHING ELSE TO DO, after all!!! So I read. I read just about all night, every night. I READ the entire Bible in about 4 months.
During that time, interestingly, a funny thing started to happen. I began to think God was telling me that He was going to Restore my M!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I found RestoreM ministries and Rejoice Ministries. They said it COULD happen!! It had happened to them. They had div'd and then re-M. But, I DID NOT want to div. and then remarry. I had no choice in the matter, however. I HAD NO CONTROL over anything that was happening. What am I saying? I DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING!!
My best g/f and prayer partner used to describe it like - "We're on THIS side of the mountain, and we don't know ANYTHING about what's going on on THAT side of the mountain." She was right. We knew absolutely NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Never heard from anyone. Basically, his WHOLE family had "turned" and they all welcomed her into the family, had cook-outs together (OK, I knew SOME things!). But I couldn't figure out how they could DO that?!?!?
Well, they all seemed to be one big, happy family. In the meantime, God convinced ME - through reading His Word, and other "revelations" - that He was going to restore my M. At first, I quietly held it inside.........just smiling to myself, as if to say, "God if you can do this, it'll be a miracle........"
"WHAT AM I SAYING, OF COURSE IT'LL BE A MIRACLE..........THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!!!
Slowly, a little more confidently, I began to PROCLAIM it out loud to others, that God was going to bring him home, and show the world a Modern-Day miracle. I said that. Then I'd go home and PRAY LIKE MAD..............."God, I'm putting YOU out there. YOU GOTTA DO THIS NOW!!! I'm telling people You're gonna do it. You ARE going to do it, right?"
Truly, it was little by little that I began believing it myself!!!
After a year, we WERE finally "officially" div'd (according to an earthly judge, anyway) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
By that time, I was totally convinced it was OK, b/c God was going to let the "old" M DIE, and He would build up a new, restored one. PTL!!!
Another YEAR goes by. [b]totally NO CONTACT. Listen, folks, if you don't think THAT will "test" your faith, believe me, IT WILL!!!
But, I knew what God had told me. I like to tell people I KNEW WHAT I KNEW THAT I KNEW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And so I trusted. And rested. And stayed (became?) obedient. OK, started becoming obedient in more and more areas of my life (still not there.......). Faithful. I stayed faithful in what I KNEW I could/should do.
I only heard from my H about once every 6 months or so. Usually if there was an important paper I had that he needed, like the title to his truck when he wanted to sell it. There was NO contact at all. He lived 200 mi. away. He had built a whole new life, and just walked away from our life.
I kept on keeping on.... KNOWING that God was going to restore this. BUT, not seeing any evidence of it.
ANOTHER year goes by. Keep in mind, we're talking about ALL the memorable "dates" of a year. HIS birthday, MY birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, any others that might have special significance. We went through THREE of each of these - totally NO acknowledgement that I even existed!
Well, here's where it gets interesting. I was getting weary. I was. I mean, HOW LONG does one hold onto a "hope" - a THREAD of something that appears to be hopeless?? How long?
I had a gentleman who was intested in me, wanted to DATE me. I kept telling him I was still standing for my M. He would tell me (every week in church), "Well, just let me know when you get tired of standing........." That was hard. Still, I KNEW WHAT I KNEW THAT I KNEW........
My best g-f/prayer partner said to me, "this is the final test.........you are in the birth canal, and about to give birth to the miracle......."
I didn't believe her.
Then came the phone call. The one when he told me ow had died.
Everything changed.
Now, we talk. At first, he would call about every other week.......then about every 10 days.........now it's about once a week. The "talks" are getting more serious, more "close." I can't call them "intimate" yet. BUT HE'S WORKING HIS WAY HOME.
GOD IS PERFORMING THE MODERN-DAY MIRACLE I believed He would do!!!!!
Where's the Happy Dance icon? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
So fast forward to latest convo, last Thursday night:
He is leaving Wed. for points west, to visit family and attend OS's wedding on the 15th. He had called last Sunday to tell me this. I truly did not think I needed to call him about that. After all, what was there to say?? "I got your call. Thanks for telling me you're going to my step son's wedding without me........"
DUH. I didn't know what to say.........so I didn't call back. TILL THURSDAY
I finally thought of a good "ice-breaker" -
I dialed, he picked up, I said, "Hi!"
He said, "Didn't you get my message? You didn't call back........"
I said, "I did get your message, I've been packing..........WHEN DO WE LEAVE?!??!?!"
He roared. We had a good laugh. Then spent the next 2 ½ hours talking!!
It was a good time, and now we have a DATE (2, actually). He agreed to come over here (3 hr. drive from HIS house), and I agreed to buy him lunch. Then he said I have to go visit HIM, and he has a great restaurant he wants to take me to, where they serve a terrific Calamari! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Folks, (if you're still reading, GOD BLESS YOU!), let me close by saying this:
I've read lots of people on these boards talk about how they NEVER believed their S's would ever turn around, come home, come to the Lord, etc. I would read it and think, YOU DON'T KNOW *MY* H. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT "A MIRACLE" IS TILL YOU SEE WHAT A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE IT WILL BE TO SEE HIM TURNING AROUND.
Folks, LIsten, NOTHING IS TOO HARD FOR THE LORD.
Get down to business. Get yourself BROKEN and obedient before HIM. Lay it all There.
That's what I now see I have/had to do. I HAD TO DIE to my wants. I HAD TO BE BROKEN. I HAD TO LET HIM REBUILD ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT before I had anything good to build a new foundation for a brand-new M with the man HE brought into my life almost 25 years ago.
And He's STILL in the Miracle business. AND IT WILL TRULY BE A MODERN-DAY MIRACLE WHEN MY H MOVES BACK HOME AND STARTS ATTENDING CHURCH AND PRAISING GOD WITH ME. If I weren't witnessing it for myself, I'm not sure *even I* would believe it!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
BLESS HIS HOLY NAME
I just sense that someone needs to see it - all in one chunk, so I'll attempt to keep is short enough to keep anyone from nodding off half-way through it.....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As many of you know, when my H left, on May 18, 2001, he simply left me a NOTE on the TV, and the div papers in the mailbox. I HAD NO CLUE we were having that serious of problems! I just came home from work one day and he was G-O-N-E!!!
Five days later, his son convinced him he had done a shi**y thing, and he should call me, at least. He did. I LB'd. I mean, I ripped him TWO new ones!
I cried, I screamed, I begged......well, I think we all get that picture. He took it. He didn't get mad, or fight back. He didn't try to stop me. I think he KNEW he "deserved" it, and he would just have to get through it, in order to "go on" with his life.
He apologized. Said he didn't know it would hurt me......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
In his defense, we really were distant, separated from each other emotionally. I can see why he thought that........
Still, I thought he could have at least TALKED to me.........TRIED to get through about how "unhappy" he was. DUH!! I was unhappy, too!! We were making each other miserable. Oh, well. NO talking about it now. His mind was made up. He wanted a div. The paperwork had been filed, he had paid an atty.
He continued w/his plan. He was living w/ow, and the atty was working the paperwork through the system. There really was nothing I could do to stop the madness. It was a locomotive out of control. Every time I thought I saw a ray of sunshine at the end of the dark tunnel, it just turned out to be another train headed at me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I spent countless hours trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. I finally ended up searching for "Divorce Recovery" on the internet, and found THIS PLACE. Now this really was a ray of sunlight at the end of a dark tunnel.
I also returned to church. Pity it took something like THIS to make that happen.....
In fact, H had said to me, just days before he left..........
"We REALLY need to start going back to church....."
Then he left! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
So, I went. I cried out to God. I prayed, I begged, I screamed. I mean, I would get in my car, go down the highway at breakneck speeds, and SCREAM till my throat hurt.............
I heard NOTHING from my H. He was D-O-N-E. We were history. I couldn't Plan A him. I couldn't Plan B him. HE WAS GONE.
He had "moved on."
SLowly, I began to accept that we might actually end up divorced. It wasn't what I wanted, but I knew that I had been a very bad W. A very disobedient W. I KNEW that if we DID div. - I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT THAT ON MYSELF with my terrible actions toward the H God had given me. Talk about guilt. Talk about reaping what you sow. I heaped it on. I deserved it.
Slowly, ever so slowly, God began to TRANSFORM me. He changed me. He showed me my sins, and I accepted them, repented of them, and still accepted that if we ended up div. I DESERVED it.
During all this time, MY H AND I NEVER TALKED. He never called me. I wasn't welcome to call HER house (where he lived). I often felt sorry for myself. "Other people on here" I told myself, "At least TALK to their S." I threw a pity party every chance I got!
But in-between all the pity I heaped on myself, God began to change me. Maybe it had something to do with the HOURS I spent reading His Word. I had NOTHING ELSE TO DO, after all!!! So I read. I read just about all night, every night. I READ the entire Bible in about 4 months.
During that time, interestingly, a funny thing started to happen. I began to think God was telling me that He was going to Restore my M!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I found RestoreM ministries and Rejoice Ministries. They said it COULD happen!! It had happened to them. They had div'd and then re-M. But, I DID NOT want to div. and then remarry. I had no choice in the matter, however. I HAD NO CONTROL over anything that was happening. What am I saying? I DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING!!
My best g/f and prayer partner used to describe it like - "We're on THIS side of the mountain, and we don't know ANYTHING about what's going on on THAT side of the mountain." She was right. We knew absolutely NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Never heard from anyone. Basically, his WHOLE family had "turned" and they all welcomed her into the family, had cook-outs together (OK, I knew SOME things!). But I couldn't figure out how they could DO that?!?!?
Well, they all seemed to be one big, happy family. In the meantime, God convinced ME - through reading His Word, and other "revelations" - that He was going to restore my M. At first, I quietly held it inside.........just smiling to myself, as if to say, "God if you can do this, it'll be a miracle........"
"WHAT AM I SAYING, OF COURSE IT'LL BE A MIRACLE..........THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!!!
Slowly, a little more confidently, I began to PROCLAIM it out loud to others, that God was going to bring him home, and show the world a Modern-Day miracle. I said that. Then I'd go home and PRAY LIKE MAD..............."God, I'm putting YOU out there. YOU GOTTA DO THIS NOW!!! I'm telling people You're gonna do it. You ARE going to do it, right?"
Truly, it was little by little that I began believing it myself!!!
After a year, we WERE finally "officially" div'd (according to an earthly judge, anyway) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
By that time, I was totally convinced it was OK, b/c God was going to let the "old" M DIE, and He would build up a new, restored one. PTL!!!
Another YEAR goes by. [b]totally NO CONTACT. Listen, folks, if you don't think THAT will "test" your faith, believe me, IT WILL!!!
But, I knew what God had told me. I like to tell people I KNEW WHAT I KNEW THAT I KNEW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And so I trusted. And rested. And stayed (became?) obedient. OK, started becoming obedient in more and more areas of my life (still not there.......). Faithful. I stayed faithful in what I KNEW I could/should do.
I only heard from my H about once every 6 months or so. Usually if there was an important paper I had that he needed, like the title to his truck when he wanted to sell it. There was NO contact at all. He lived 200 mi. away. He had built a whole new life, and just walked away from our life.
I kept on keeping on.... KNOWING that God was going to restore this. BUT, not seeing any evidence of it.
ANOTHER year goes by. Keep in mind, we're talking about ALL the memorable "dates" of a year. HIS birthday, MY birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, any others that might have special significance. We went through THREE of each of these - totally NO acknowledgement that I even existed!
Well, here's where it gets interesting. I was getting weary. I was. I mean, HOW LONG does one hold onto a "hope" - a THREAD of something that appears to be hopeless?? How long?
I had a gentleman who was intested in me, wanted to DATE me. I kept telling him I was still standing for my M. He would tell me (every week in church), "Well, just let me know when you get tired of standing........." That was hard. Still, I KNEW WHAT I KNEW THAT I KNEW........
My best g-f/prayer partner said to me, "this is the final test.........you are in the birth canal, and about to give birth to the miracle......."
I didn't believe her.
Then came the phone call. The one when he told me ow had died.
Everything changed.
Now, we talk. At first, he would call about every other week.......then about every 10 days.........now it's about once a week. The "talks" are getting more serious, more "close." I can't call them "intimate" yet. BUT HE'S WORKING HIS WAY HOME.
GOD IS PERFORMING THE MODERN-DAY MIRACLE I believed He would do!!!!!
Where's the Happy Dance icon? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
So fast forward to latest convo, last Thursday night:
He is leaving Wed. for points west, to visit family and attend OS's wedding on the 15th. He had called last Sunday to tell me this. I truly did not think I needed to call him about that. After all, what was there to say?? "I got your call. Thanks for telling me you're going to my step son's wedding without me........"
DUH. I didn't know what to say.........so I didn't call back. TILL THURSDAY
I finally thought of a good "ice-breaker" -
I dialed, he picked up, I said, "Hi!"
He said, "Didn't you get my message? You didn't call back........"
I said, "I did get your message, I've been packing..........WHEN DO WE LEAVE?!??!?!"
He roared. We had a good laugh. Then spent the next 2 ½ hours talking!!
It was a good time, and now we have a DATE (2, actually). He agreed to come over here (3 hr. drive from HIS house), and I agreed to buy him lunch. Then he said I have to go visit HIM, and he has a great restaurant he wants to take me to, where they serve a terrific Calamari! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Folks, (if you're still reading, GOD BLESS YOU!), let me close by saying this:
I've read lots of people on these boards talk about how they NEVER believed their S's would ever turn around, come home, come to the Lord, etc. I would read it and think, YOU DON'T KNOW *MY* H. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT "A MIRACLE" IS TILL YOU SEE WHAT A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE IT WILL BE TO SEE HIM TURNING AROUND.
Folks, LIsten, NOTHING IS TOO HARD FOR THE LORD.
Get down to business. Get yourself BROKEN and obedient before HIM. Lay it all There.
That's what I now see I have/had to do. I HAD TO DIE to my wants. I HAD TO BE BROKEN. I HAD TO LET HIM REBUILD ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT before I had anything good to build a new foundation for a brand-new M with the man HE brought into my life almost 25 years ago.
And He's STILL in the Miracle business. AND IT WILL TRULY BE A MODERN-DAY MIRACLE WHEN MY H MOVES BACK HOME AND STARTS ATTENDING CHURCH AND PRAISING GOD WITH ME. If I weren't witnessing it for myself, I'm not sure *even I* would believe it!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
BLESS HIS HOLY NAME