Marriage Builders
Posted By: Richard F My wife needs your prayers - 08/04/04 05:02 AM
Greetings all,

Well, my W and I had another argument last night / this morning. Last night it was because I said I needed to go to the SLAA meeting (over the past few weeks, I had not maintained my sobriety, although I had not sunk as low as I have in the past). My W believes that sex and/or love addiction is complete bull, and that if I truly wanted to stop, I could just do so like turning off a tap. She appears to see the fact that I have not been able to stop completely (despite the fact that she refused to let me attend meetings / talk to a sponsor) as an attack against her (i.e. she is not enough for me).

The last words she said to me this morning, before hanging up on me and refusing to answer any of my calls, were that she was "washing her hands" of me, and would stay until our child is born because of the medical insurance then move on. As I am sure you can understand, that hurt me, but I must be strong and accept that if it is His will.

Please pray for my wife, and myself. That we may both be able to follow God's path for us, be it together or separately.

God Bless, and I hope you see His hand in your world today.

Richard
Posted By: Shul Re: My wife needs your prayers - 08/04/04 05:47 AM
praying for you both.
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: My wife needs your prayers - 08/04/04 08:45 AM
RichardF,

It sounds as if your W is not very educated about Sex Addiction and Love Addiction, and I wouldn't be too harsh if I were you. Most of America is not very educated about SA or SLA, and the vision that society DOES have is one of a Peeping Tom pervert kind of guy in a raincoat sneaking around in the bushes yanking his own chain or sleeping with crack whores. It's a little like mental illness--society is a little afraid of it, so rather than learn, it's stigmatized and shamed.

I am VERY sorry to hear that you have not maintained your sobriety. Is there any chance you could speak with your sponsor on the phone or via IM? I do realize that f2f meetings are more supportive and stronger, but rather than attending NO meeting...did you know there are yahoo group meetings and online meetings so that you could work the steps on your own?

I myself am an active member in an S-Anon group (as you can see by my signature), and I attend one f2f meeting a month, and a daily yahoo-group meeting via email. We run the email group just like a f2f meeting except that we share via email. This week, for example, our topic is "It works if you work it". We write our share to the group, but there is no cross-talk...only ESH is sent privately to the author. Anyway, I'm not familiar with your particular "brand" of SA/SLA--so if internet interaction is a problem for you (you know what I mean!), then maybe an email group isn't a good idea for you...but we can brainstorm other solutions! Maybe we could start a "generic" 12-Step thread right here on MB!

Regarding your W, I need to remind you of a few things (having been the spouse of an SA). It is a HORRIBLE blow to her ego when she discovers or is told that you have not maintained sobriety. In the nicest way possible, she obviously has her own S-Anon and Codependency issues or she would be working her own recovery...and when you are codependent and trying to "force" or "make" your partner be faithful by sneaking, checking, and nagging them to death--when they are NOT faithful, the CO's head thinks it is their own fault. That's so they can maintain that illusion in their head that they are "in control" of everything. But to continue, as the spouse, it feels like you are not good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, etc. because obviously if I was a 25yo blonde cheerleader, you wouldn't need to have mistresses and overdose on porno! It FEELS that way... Of course you and I know that even if I was Nicole Kidman or Halle Berry, you'd engage in inappropriate sexual acts because somehow you've connected sex and needs and being loved.

RichardF, it is YOUR job to work on YOUR side of the street and work your recovery EVERY DAY. But it is also her job ot work her side of the street. Right now, it is easier for her to blame everything on you and point all the fingers at you than it is to look at herself and how she's in the dance too. I'm not justifying here--just saying that you need to be willing in your own head to recover from SA or SLA, and she needs to be willing to recover from S-Anon. Does that make sense??

There are many/several good books about Sex and Love Addiction: "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes... and Pia Melody's "Facing Love Addiction"...are two excellent, easy-to-understand, logical books. Do you think she might be willing to learn more and read these books? Maybe she would consider the possibility of reading them so she could at least understand the disease you've been telling her you have! Maybe she would consider reading printed websites or looking at websites to learn more about it. If she's willing, maybe she could START to educate herself what SA is.

OTOH, if she is utterly unwilling and her mind is made up and her heart is hard, that does not relieve you of your responsibility to work your steps. Even if you have to work them alone and maintain your sobriety by yourself, in the end it is YOUR side of the street. If you were in a whole room of SA/SLA addicts, in the end YOU are the one who has to make the choices for YOU to either engage in the sober life or engage in the sexual addiction. You make that choice every time, and I care about ya and pray for ya, but "not being able to go to a meeting" is not responsible for your sexual sobriety--YOU ARE!


CJ

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 04:00 AM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>
PRAYER FOR SERENITY

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is;
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

AMEN

- Reinhold Niebuhr -

Richard,
The secular SA groups out there, IMVHO, do NOT tell you or recite the entire prayer.

Another good book is "False Intimacy"y Dr. Harry Schaumberg. He also runs a BIC (Brief Intensive Counseling) clinic in Larkspur, CO (Yes CJ, it is about 30-40 south of you). I am looking to attend there in October, God willing, if I can scrape up the money ($4200 for ten days - alot of scraping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). He is not considered "In-Patient" so insurance is not going to cover much for me.
I have looked into other places, but I am drawn to this for two reasons:
1) When I was out last year on my TRO, Marie bought the book and read it. She then threw it at me when I moved back in, saying it was too religious, but that she wanted me to read a particular section. (Not wanting to be controlled, I never read it).
2) After the last time she argued with me that I NEVER went to take care of my addiction, I decided to look for BIBLICALLY-BASED recovery. I called "Focus on the Family", and they sent me "False Intimacy" and gave me some resources.

So I feel God is directing me here, I'm just hitting obstacles. One of those now: Marie says that I shouldn't be wasting money (our) on going away to a clinic, I will never change and I won't be able to "suck" her back in to my life.

Honestly, I am doing this because:
1) I want to show her that I am serious about recovery (that and going to Bible-based 12-steps).
2) I don't want to have to deal with this addiction later, with my children, and me not having recovered. I just DON'T WANT THIS SIN IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!
3) I want to take the adversity, THAT I CAUSED IN MY LIFE, to benefit others. (The Diocese of Trenton said I could speak in front youth and adult ministries ONCE I have gone through a program.
and, 4) I don't want Marie to use this as a "point" to poke and whip me with.

On my side, this is what is going on:
1) I am attending Celebrate Recovery meetings on Tuesdays.
2) My job has gotten worse.
3) I am enjoying Noelle and Stefan a whole, whole lot.
4) The arguements with Marie are still going on, not much retort from me (I am TRYING to BE humble). But, a couple of times the "tone" was different: she said, "You were suppose to be my life. I trusted you. You weren't suppose to hurt me." (A glimmer of hope? - I don't know. The blaming and "you are sick" comments have returned).
5) My walk with God is better, but not where I would like it to be.
6) I turned 41 Monday, and except for my brother, no one remembered (Marie didn't even tell the kids <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ).
7) I am feeling very lonely and scared about my future --- BUT, I AM STANDING!

Now to echo Sister Cindy's comments: YOU NEED TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR RECOVERY! You can not let your wife CONTROL you by saying you can't go and she doesn't trust that you are going to a meeting, etc. You (both of us) put ourselves into this mess; it is YOUR (OUR) responsiblity to work on recovery. By not working on it, you will slip into your addiction very quickly.
I know because, even while going to the CR meetings, I had a relapse 2-3 weeks ago that lasted four days. I started the night I went to a meeting, I don't remember the circumstances. First TV-MA movies (60 minutes or so). Next night, two hours plus (late for work the next day). Third evening, XXX-rated Pay-per-View, even recorded it. (BTW, I cut the tape up and threw it out). Next morning, I am surfing the Internet for hardcore porn, for over an hour while my children are less than ten feet away.
This WAS insanity. Even with going through the 12-steps, I was still vulnerable to fall back in.

Find a Biblically-based 12-step SA group. The Higher Power is Jesus Christ! Not, "maybe its God", or "its a close friend (human) who you trust", or "your dead uncle", or whatever other falacy these groups propose when we first enter.
I went to six sessions of SA back in 1998 when I was in/ending my A. For all six, "Hello, my name is Genesius. And I'm here to observe. I might have tendancies." or whatever excuse. Same thing back last year at SLAA.
As soon as I walked into CR, "Hello, I'm Genesius and I AM A SEX ADDICT!" I did thta because I KNEW I needed Jesus Christ, and I wasn't getting that in SA and SLAA.

So find a Biblically-based 12-step. CR is for all addictions. There also is Overecomers, for all addictions. Two of the men I met there told me about a group called "Freedom Group" which is Biblically-based Sexual Addiction and Recovery. I'll be checking it out this Tuesday.

Lastly, REACH OUT when you feel like jumping off your sobriety. You have my numbers. If money is the issue, call me and I will call you right back. Maybe, I'm not far along in my program, BUT, I have never been down on the low level while someone else is (even throughout our M, Marie and I were always able to support eachother emotionally - until lately off course).

Bottom Line!
You want to renew your marriage. Take charge of your recovery. Let nothing stop you from going to your meetings, EXCEPT for your daily time spent with God.

Call me my brother.
Peace and Love in Christ,
genesius@optonline.net

PS My fellow Prayer Warriors

I'M BACK!
Posted By: StandingTogether Re: My wife needs your prayers - 08/04/04 03:01 PM
Welcome back G!!! You were missed!

Lots of luv,
Y
Posted By: Richard F Re: My wife needs your prayers - 08/06/04 05:11 AM
Thanks Guys!

I needed to see your postings today - especially after my W keeps hanging up on me (a major LB for me), and telling me how worthless I am. (Believe me, I can tell myself that just fine. :-( )

You are right, it is my responsibility to maintain my sobriety, and a responsibility that I have not fully accepted. I have Carnes' "A Gentle Path" book right here on my desk at work, and have been working through that. I have also enrolled in some classes at the Church my W and I attend, which start in September, that I expect to help bring me closer to God. I am also in occasional communication with one of our parish priests, although I am sometimes surprised by the advice he gives. (He believes that our marriage will not survive, because my W is not willing to forgive.)

I guess I'm just finding things really hard. I don't know why I had such a bad couple of weeks (which bugs the heck out of my W since I can't give her a good reason for my slip), but I did.

The internet is (in many ways) where my problem truly got out of hand. Unfortunately, most of the resources that allow me to do my job effectively (I am a software engineer) are online. My W resents every moment I spend online, and will only let me go online when *she* decides it's OK. She screens all my non-work email, reads all my physical mail, and has even taken away my house keys. While I know that allowing her to do this is really not good (for either of us), I simply don't know how else to handle the conflict without making things worse.

I have the numbers for several guys at the SLAA group, and also Genesius' number, but I'm not officially allowed to make personal calls from work. Guess what - my W doesn't let me near the 'phone at home either, except to call my parents once each week with her listening to the conversation.

I keep telling myself that to be truly healed, I need to accept the world as it is, for God has made it this way for a purpose. I am ashamed to admit it, but there are days (and there have been plenty of them, both before and after my A) where running away from the world on a permanent basis (if you get my meaning) has felt like my best option. Praise Him, I have always turned to His strength, and found a way to carry on. I know that He has a special task for me. I only hope I am able to fulfill it.

Peace to you all, my brothers and sisters, may He be present in your lives for all time.

Richard
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