I'll keep this short, because I don't have a lot of time right now.

-I am in the military serving in Iraq
-I have been married for 6+ years
-One Child
-Marriage has had several low points (and some high ones), due to immaturity and selfishness and other "Love Busters"
-Desperately seeking to improve my relationship with my wife.

It was revealed to me by my wife that one of the reasons that she is unhappy is that she hates the military (understandable), and she doesn't like to "ride on my coat tails". I asked where that philosophy came from because I have heard it throughout my marriage and is has bothered me. I believe that it is the cause of a lot of "independent behavior" that has been the source of a lot of conflict. My wife said that her Mother warned her of "riding on my coat tails", before we were married.

My Mother-in-Law is a great woman and I am lucky to have a pretty open relationship with her. I am torn between confronting her with that piece of advise that she gave to her Daughter which has sabataged a lot of happiness in my marriage so I can understand her motive and ask her to correct it; and/or talk to my wife and show how that way of thinking has (and is) harmed our marriage, and put a wall skeptism between us that is preventing us achieving a happiness that I know and want us to achieve.

Any thoughts?

SandBoxSailor

Don't talk to your mother-in-law; talk to your wife. Find out what your wife means by "riding on your coat tails". Why is it a source of conflict for her? What do you mean by "independent behavior"?

It's too late (six years too late) to talk to your mother-in-law about bad advice. But now is a good time to talk to your wife about whatever it is that is bothering her.

And thank you for your service.

Regards,
rs0522

Considered one of the most difficult jobs in the world is a Military Spouse. My wife has followed me throughout my career on various assignments. Having to drop everything every few years and move to a new place, leaving friends and the conforts of a home that was just getting broken in. Totally subjective to the needs of the military has for me. Hence "riding on my coat tails."

When I say "independant behavior", I am talking about the Love Buster. This mind set that was instilled in my wife prior to our nuptuals, I believe has cause some resentment to the successes in my career. Instead of taking my advancements as a blessing for the family, who I am ultimately serving and is my source of motivation to do my best, it is almost as if my wife is envious.

I appreciate your time and comments rs0522. Any other thoughts?

SandBoxSailor

I see what you are saying about "riding your coat tails". And it's very tough - my nephew the Special Forces sergeant is returning from Afghanistan, and getting divorced (for the third time).

What specifically does your wife say in her "independent behavior"? "You don't spend enough time with me" or "I am bored with the other military wives" or "you don't spend enough time with the son"?

Your wife is not having her needs met, and you need to figure out how to start doing that. Have you asked her if she would be willing to fill out the questionnaire on this website?

Regards,
rs0522