Friends & Family vs. Our Marriage - 10/29/08 09:00 PM
My H and I have recently decided to save our marriage after his A that resulted in a OC which we currently have no contact with . I find it very interesting that it was much easier to get him to cut his ties to the OW and OC than it is to cut his ties with a friend ( his friend) that is coming between our marriage .
His friend and I have never quite hit it off because he just not my type of person. To much of a busy body but I have always tried to remain corgial to him out of respect for my husband under the condition that he never talks about our personal business with him. Well over the years he has shared info with this person that makes me very uncomfortable and would make me uncomfortable with anyone. I am a very private person and never would share my personal problems with others except for my H and my mother and with her it still is very limited when it comes to my H. I have asked him on repeated occassions not to share anything with this man especially since I have been the victim of his gossipiness and I have expressed to H how it makes me feel. All he needs to know is we are happy , you are great and I am great and that is it. Well he hasn't and it has gotten him in trouble with me over the years and has caused his friend and I not to really get a along and we have just tolerated each other for H's sake . His friend has caused me to lose another frienship due to something my husband should not have shared with him and now I am totally mortified in his presence because my H decided to more recently choose to confide in him about his A and OC and it does not help that the friend colluded with him to keep his secret from me for more than a year.
This is why this friendship needs to be as far away from me as possible. It is toxic to our relationship. This man has a reputation for gossiping and I have been the victime of it and have witness him do it to others, he has not a happy person, he drinks to much, and when he is mad with a friend even if its just for short time he talks about them like a dog and he has the ability to put what I call a very private matter into the limelight with all of our friends, associates, business relationships, community relationships etc....that can have a major affect on our business ,relationships in the community and bring further humiliation to me and immmediate and extended family. I also do not like the people he hangs around . A lot of the people have bad marriages, are unhappy folks, gossipy, flirtatious, golddiggers, social climbers, etc...
MY H choosing to tell him about our current crisis has taken away our ability to decide when and how we will share our private lives if we choose to do so with others if that time ever comes. How can my H call this man his friend...he actually believes that his friend has kept his secret and even had him call me to tell me that he would not tell anyone.
Of course I do not believe that for one second. If I believe that I am boo boo the fool! I strongly believe he has told and as usual we will be the last to know because no one will tell you to your face but they will talk about you when you leave. I am mortified to have to deal with this especially now when I have not even come to terms with our whole set of new marital circumstances.
Due to this I want to keep this person at a distance. I do not want to be around this man , do not want to go his home, do not want to see him at events, do not want him in my home , I do not want him to hang out with him, I do not want my H traveling with him etc...He is not my friend and not my H 's friend either. He greatly offends me and what offends me more is that my husband does not respect my boundaries when it comes to this person just like with this OW. I have had it and I cannot get him to understand how much this friendship greatly offends me. It has caused me to not want to go out in public that much and if I do it is under circumstances in which I can be comfortable. It has even has me greatly considering moving to another state just to escape from all the pressure of what is going on so I can have some peace of mind. I can't seem to shake this person or the A. It is every where...every time I go somewhere, to an event or basketball game etc...he is there...grinning and he just makes me want to scream and punch him out. I am so angry! I cannot hold my composure in his presence and have to leave. I was this same way with H but the difference with him is I have access to say and do what I need to do to him unlike with his friend.
Ultimately I know this awkwardness is brought on by my husband actions and lack of respect of my boundaries ...something he seems to get now and says he will not share anything else with him in the future due to the present crisis but I have heard this story before and it is a little to late now because H has failed to protect and defend me when it mattered most especially after less serious circumstances and warnings and this time is just unforgivable and he refuses to do what I think ultimately needs to be done. The friend needs to be dropped and cut out of our lives as much as possible and these are the consequences he needs to live with but he does not see it that way.
What can I do to make him understand that our marriage must come first and his friendship last. I just do not know what to do especially when I told him that I do not want this person ever in my house again and my H tells me that he will have him over here if he wants and I should just go to another room or leave the home. He says he lives here as well and he has the right to choose his friends and have his friends come by....
Well I agree with him to some degree but when your friend is a source of contention in your marriage you should respect your marriage first and never make your spouse uncomfortable or unhappy when it can be prevented especially in their own home.
H and his friend has violated me enough and they will not violate me again. He forgets that this could have been avoided if he just would have kept him out of our private lives. So if he does not want to cause a scene in public or in my home you better keep him away from me and my home.
Advice please...what do I do with this narcisstic A..hole H of mine.
His friend and I have never quite hit it off because he just not my type of person. To much of a busy body but I have always tried to remain corgial to him out of respect for my husband under the condition that he never talks about our personal business with him. Well over the years he has shared info with this person that makes me very uncomfortable and would make me uncomfortable with anyone. I am a very private person and never would share my personal problems with others except for my H and my mother and with her it still is very limited when it comes to my H. I have asked him on repeated occassions not to share anything with this man especially since I have been the victim of his gossipiness and I have expressed to H how it makes me feel. All he needs to know is we are happy , you are great and I am great and that is it. Well he hasn't and it has gotten him in trouble with me over the years and has caused his friend and I not to really get a along and we have just tolerated each other for H's sake . His friend has caused me to lose another frienship due to something my husband should not have shared with him and now I am totally mortified in his presence because my H decided to more recently choose to confide in him about his A and OC and it does not help that the friend colluded with him to keep his secret from me for more than a year.
This is why this friendship needs to be as far away from me as possible. It is toxic to our relationship. This man has a reputation for gossiping and I have been the victime of it and have witness him do it to others, he has not a happy person, he drinks to much, and when he is mad with a friend even if its just for short time he talks about them like a dog and he has the ability to put what I call a very private matter into the limelight with all of our friends, associates, business relationships, community relationships etc....that can have a major affect on our business ,relationships in the community and bring further humiliation to me and immmediate and extended family. I also do not like the people he hangs around . A lot of the people have bad marriages, are unhappy folks, gossipy, flirtatious, golddiggers, social climbers, etc...
MY H choosing to tell him about our current crisis has taken away our ability to decide when and how we will share our private lives if we choose to do so with others if that time ever comes. How can my H call this man his friend...he actually believes that his friend has kept his secret and even had him call me to tell me that he would not tell anyone.
Of course I do not believe that for one second. If I believe that I am boo boo the fool! I strongly believe he has told and as usual we will be the last to know because no one will tell you to your face but they will talk about you when you leave. I am mortified to have to deal with this especially now when I have not even come to terms with our whole set of new marital circumstances.
Due to this I want to keep this person at a distance. I do not want to be around this man , do not want to go his home, do not want to see him at events, do not want him in my home , I do not want him to hang out with him, I do not want my H traveling with him etc...He is not my friend and not my H 's friend either. He greatly offends me and what offends me more is that my husband does not respect my boundaries when it comes to this person just like with this OW. I have had it and I cannot get him to understand how much this friendship greatly offends me. It has caused me to not want to go out in public that much and if I do it is under circumstances in which I can be comfortable. It has even has me greatly considering moving to another state just to escape from all the pressure of what is going on so I can have some peace of mind. I can't seem to shake this person or the A. It is every where...every time I go somewhere, to an event or basketball game etc...he is there...grinning and he just makes me want to scream and punch him out. I am so angry! I cannot hold my composure in his presence and have to leave. I was this same way with H but the difference with him is I have access to say and do what I need to do to him unlike with his friend.
Ultimately I know this awkwardness is brought on by my husband actions and lack of respect of my boundaries ...something he seems to get now and says he will not share anything else with him in the future due to the present crisis but I have heard this story before and it is a little to late now because H has failed to protect and defend me when it mattered most especially after less serious circumstances and warnings and this time is just unforgivable and he refuses to do what I think ultimately needs to be done. The friend needs to be dropped and cut out of our lives as much as possible and these are the consequences he needs to live with but he does not see it that way.
What can I do to make him understand that our marriage must come first and his friendship last. I just do not know what to do especially when I told him that I do not want this person ever in my house again and my H tells me that he will have him over here if he wants and I should just go to another room or leave the home. He says he lives here as well and he has the right to choose his friends and have his friends come by....
Well I agree with him to some degree but when your friend is a source of contention in your marriage you should respect your marriage first and never make your spouse uncomfortable or unhappy when it can be prevented especially in their own home.
H and his friend has violated me enough and they will not violate me again. He forgets that this could have been avoided if he just would have kept him out of our private lives. So if he does not want to cause a scene in public or in my home you better keep him away from me and my home.
Advice please...what do I do with this narcisstic A..hole H of mine.