First session with MC....NOT GOOD! - 01/08/09 01:57 PM
We had our first visit with the MC yesterday. I vented about being falsely accused (see thread) and how I felt betrayed, no trust from the W, no bond with the W, and a third wheel in the family dynamic. The MC asked what one thing would have the greatest impact on our marriage?
Her response: for him to understand why I feel the way I do about the accusation
My response: for her to understand just how hurt and disconnected I feel because she wasn't there for me when I was falsely accused
We probably weren't the typical couple seeing a MC. We sat on the sofa close to each other and held hands, etc. When we left, everything seemed alright. When I got home from work, it was a different story. She was very distant. Almost a stranger to me. I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about and she said she had a lot on her mind, but nothing she wanted to talk about right now. I said this was the very thing we discussed in session...communication. I told her I felt shut out. It was obvious she had a lot on her mind and I just wanted her to open up to me and talk about it as a couple. She said she was just trying to "understand" everything. I'm afraid she's going to drop the D word any minute. She never did. We went to bed and although I felt like crap about not discussing anything, she cuddled up next to me and I woke up once during the night and she was rubbing my face. I just don't know how much fight I have left in me anymore. I shouldn't feel this way only 6mo into our marriage. I admitted during our MC session that certain emotions were showing that I don't like (insecurity, lack of trust, no feelings of bonding, distance, etc.). I have no reason NOT to trust my wife, but here lately I find myself looking at her text messages, checking our cell phone bill to see who she's called, who's called her, how long the calls were, etc. We actually got into an agrument Tuesday night over this. My W talks with my youngest step-daughters father about everyday and sometimes multiple times per day. This doesn't include various text messages they share. In fact, I went so far as to compile a spreadsheet on just calls to/from him. He went through a D in Nov and just as I thought, he and my W have communicated more in Nov and Dec than they ever did over the last six months. Tuesday night, I looked at her text messages and she had sent him one asking if he put the child support check in the diaper bag, he replied "no" he was sick, then she asked when he was taking lunch so she could get the check. Then there were a couple of calls to/from him. I simply asked my wife if she paid day care and she said "yes". I said, so he put the check in the bag? Again, she simply said, "yes". I said I was surprised since he normally forgets. Then I got angry about it because I felt she was being deceptive. Why didn't she just tell me about the communication with him. When she knew I was upset, she asked what was wrong. I asked her if she had something she wanted to talk about and she said "no". I left the bedroom and when I came back, she realized that I must have read her text and that was what I was upset about. She said I didn't trust her and I agreed that since 12/16 (when I was falsely accused by my niece) and her not being there for me, I had trust issues. Oh well, sorry for such a long thread...had to vent. Any thoughts?
Her response: for him to understand why I feel the way I do about the accusation
My response: for her to understand just how hurt and disconnected I feel because she wasn't there for me when I was falsely accused
We probably weren't the typical couple seeing a MC. We sat on the sofa close to each other and held hands, etc. When we left, everything seemed alright. When I got home from work, it was a different story. She was very distant. Almost a stranger to me. I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about and she said she had a lot on her mind, but nothing she wanted to talk about right now. I said this was the very thing we discussed in session...communication. I told her I felt shut out. It was obvious she had a lot on her mind and I just wanted her to open up to me and talk about it as a couple. She said she was just trying to "understand" everything. I'm afraid she's going to drop the D word any minute. She never did. We went to bed and although I felt like crap about not discussing anything, she cuddled up next to me and I woke up once during the night and she was rubbing my face. I just don't know how much fight I have left in me anymore. I shouldn't feel this way only 6mo into our marriage. I admitted during our MC session that certain emotions were showing that I don't like (insecurity, lack of trust, no feelings of bonding, distance, etc.). I have no reason NOT to trust my wife, but here lately I find myself looking at her text messages, checking our cell phone bill to see who she's called, who's called her, how long the calls were, etc. We actually got into an agrument Tuesday night over this. My W talks with my youngest step-daughters father about everyday and sometimes multiple times per day. This doesn't include various text messages they share. In fact, I went so far as to compile a spreadsheet on just calls to/from him. He went through a D in Nov and just as I thought, he and my W have communicated more in Nov and Dec than they ever did over the last six months. Tuesday night, I looked at her text messages and she had sent him one asking if he put the child support check in the diaper bag, he replied "no" he was sick, then she asked when he was taking lunch so she could get the check. Then there were a couple of calls to/from him. I simply asked my wife if she paid day care and she said "yes". I said, so he put the check in the bag? Again, she simply said, "yes". I said I was surprised since he normally forgets. Then I got angry about it because I felt she was being deceptive. Why didn't she just tell me about the communication with him. When she knew I was upset, she asked what was wrong. I asked her if she had something she wanted to talk about and she said "no". I left the bedroom and when I came back, she realized that I must have read her text and that was what I was upset about. She said I didn't trust her and I agreed that since 12/16 (when I was falsely accused by my niece) and her not being there for me, I had trust issues. Oh well, sorry for such a long thread...had to vent. Any thoughts?