How about the truth...
"I understand your frustration. I put work ahead of my marriage. I do understand how being away on back-to-back trips and coming home exhausted hurts the marriage. I get it. Can we brainstorm what we can do about it?"
Do you take these trips alone (individual sales/consulting) or with coworkers...male ones?
Many, many affairs happen from putting work first, spending more time travelling with members of the opposite sex, than with your family. And we tell ourselves it's FOR our family.
Readjusting our priorities to really fit what we want...instead of owning our acting priorities, which make our real ones upside down...is a part of intimacy, ownership.
Each time I'd point my finger at my H and tell him to own his stuff, meant I wasn't owning mine. I was DJing him in my head, saying, "If you wouldn't, then this wouldn't be a conflict."
Those were lies to myself. Thank God, literally, I learned to hear my DH's stuff as his own...that's my job, my act of respect, and didn't try to make him own anything. Trying to make someone own something that's already there is akin to self-gaslighting, really.
Feels crazy, loopy and helpless. It isn't real. And it isn't real respectful, either.
You can hear your H's fears as his own fears...validate, acknowledge they are valid...they are his...doesn't make them the truth. Makes his fears HIS truth. His very real experience coming from his stuff...about his stuff.
Focus on the boundaries around delivering his stuff...no yelling, no assumptions, accusations, selfish demands, lying or independent behavior (the primary LBs)...and do so by checking yourself first...
are you assuming his stuff or are you focused on hearing his stuff? Are you taking his stuff and putting it all over yourself? That would be stealing.
Do you want to know your H for who he really is, what his experience is right now...or do you want to control him so he does do and doesn't do?
Self-honesty disrupts the old dances...and when you change your steps, focused on your own feet, everything changes.
So were you radically honest with H? No. You said what you felt physically and emotionally, mentally? Did you first strive to understand him...not assume? Were you preparing to share your stuff ahead of time as soon as he "started in" (which is your expectation)?
Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage your top priority, to partner your H?
Tip I learned from myself...when I justified to others, I was lying to myself.
So many other answers than bed..."I know SF is important and I've missed and want to reconnect with you, too. I want to first relax in a hot bath...and since my body feels really tired right now...would you come sit and talk with me, so I don't snore bubbles?" It's an invitation to intimacy...to take the journey with you...to state your want, what you really want, and ask for help getting there...it IS sharing...not excusing...and takes no justifications. No entitlement. No rights to intimacy...and you gotta ask yourself deep down...do you want to be right or do you want him to be the bad guy so you just feel righter?
Or do you want RIGHTNESS in your life?
We learn a lot of overlaps, and beliefs backwards...we, as Cat said, have deeply ingrained stuff in us, conflicting beliefs...which require justifications (or so it seems) instead of examination.
Examine, anyway.
Free yourself from justifications. "I cannot own that" is true...stop doing it. You're still doing it, even as your mouth is saying you are not.
It's about you...for he is inherently responsible for his stuff.
Do you KNOW he suffers? Do you understand your partner, your equal, is in pain? He may be asking you for your help, as his partner, in a real lovebusting way...hear both...figure out how your love bank is busted and by whom (I robbed myself blind and blamed my DH), and share what you find out...and ACKNOWLEDGE his stuff...as his.
No making...read Ears_Open's thread...put a hopper on your head.
Hey, it works.
Get clear on the difference between beliefs and feelings...one generates the other...you do it one way, you live backwards (I feel therefore I believe); you choose to act from your beliefs, then the feelings follow. Forwards.
He doesn't "feel" you are causing the failure of the marriage...that's his thoughts right now. Listen and repeat...confirm or clarify what you heard. That's practicing respect and not taking in his stuff as yours...and discerning a feeling from a belief. Lots of great stuff...
The argument doesn't escalate...either you escalate or he does...usually takes both. Stop and ask yourself, "Am I crossing my own boundaries? Am I acting from love and respect right now, or in retaliation, defense, fear or anger?"
Check yourself...not because you will change him...because you're betraying yourself, your code, what you really want.
At times, you'll want to hurt back, stop him from hurting you more...so you'll hurt him more...and we do escalate...because he is desperately trying to hurt you to stop hurting him.
That dance. Sometimes you can stop and reach out, saying, "I'm taking your hands in mine right now, and looking in your eyes, right now, even though I want to hurt you instead of touch you. I know I love you deeply and truly and I'm reacting, not acting to that knowledge right now."
And you hold, nonverbally, and then the feelings follow. New feelings. Changed dance. "This is not what I want. I want you for my partner, and to partner you. I choose you."
Learn what you don't say, where you choose to react, and share what you learn about yourself. Here are my buttons--he already knows them.
And consider, you may very well be hearing a lot of projection...he may be in an affair himself...so be in reality, do your verifying, it's your responsibility.
Strive first to understand, then be understood. Primary building block or human communication. Do not assume you heard correctly...you both have filters...focus on restating and handing back...intimacy is knowing and being known. Not judging, controlling, stopping, igniting, making...those are the fantasies we are taught.
We feel. We think. We believe. We perceive. We view. We feel.
We happen.
LA