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I am engaged to a divorced gentleman who was in a marriage for 20 years where his wife didn't care who he had social relationships with. He had several close female friends, including an old girlfriend who lives out of state. His wife traveled frequently, and he would dine with these married women and their children while their husbands traveled. He claims that there was never infidelity -- and I choose to believe this. However, my previous marriage of 16 years was quite different. My ex-husband and I had a different arrangement. We didn't socialize with members of the opposite sex unless it was in a couple's atmosphere. My fiancee doesn't understand my discomfort with his view on the subject and it's created great stress in our relationship. A few months ago, he agreed that it was the best thing for us if he would refrain from having female confidants in the future. A few weeks ago, I was helping him move to a new house when I found a Christmas card with photographs from his old girlfriend out of state. I felt hurt that he hadn't told me about it, as we've been dating for four years and I thought we had open communication. When I asked if he had spoken to her since the letter in December, he emphatically said, "no". I felt he was lying, so I looked in his phone records and found that he had made a 40 minute call to her on Christmas Eve. I asked him specifically if he had spoken with her on Christmas Eve, he said,"absolutely not". He was angry when he found out that I had looked in his file, but then lied again about another conversation with her two weeks later. I suggested that we end the relationship if he couldn't be honest with me. He apologized and agreed that even though his conversations with her were only a couple of times per year, it wasn't a healthy thing for us. He called her and explained that I was upset and not to call anymore -- she was very upset. Now he's angry with me because he thinks that I'm trying to change him and force him to stop exercising his "innocent love for humankind." Help!! Is this normal?? This woman has been a family friend for 30 years, but I don't understand why she has to be his private friend when she is happily married and he is in a very loving relationship. Please advise... am I just a jealous, negative person as he believes??
I know the uncomfortable feeling of your partner communicating with someone privately

I suggest you tell him it makes you uncomfortable
and you are trying to establish a honest and
loving relationship and feel that you are intending
to be honest and hope he feels the same

Yes he should cut out old lovers and so on as
you are supposed to be number one with him
so I suggest that you ask him if he is prepared
to carry on the relationship in this new agreement

Tell him you do not want him pushing you away with
secretive contacts

I support you in this

Carol

Thank you, Carol.

I discussed this very topic with him last night.

I have explained that as long as we both CLEARLY understand our expectations and the roles that each of us play in our relationship, there should be nothing to hide. If he feels uncomfortable about something, it should be a signal to discuss it with me and find out where I stand with the issue. Not hide it. Discuss it and compromise. If he cannot live with my expectations of conduct in our relationship, and we cannot find a solution together for this problem, then the future of our relationship must be reconsidered. There should be nothing that makes him nervous around me or uncomfortable enough to hide something. The discomfort is a signal for help.

He agreed ... we'll see. I've been through this before with him on several occasions with an old friend who used to be his neighbor, but this time I have a better feeling that maybe he understands my feelings. All I'm trying to do is make our relationship better.

Thanks again!

I don't think it is.

Your just asking for trouble if you do. Someone will get hurt, even if at the smallest level.

good luck.
I don't think it's necessarily a problem, it depends on the situation.
NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! Did the same thing with someone from 20+ years ago. Affair lasted a year. Now separated and could be divorced because of it. DO NOT TEMPT YOURSELF. LEARN FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE. If the marriage does work right, find out why and try to resolve issues without a third party. When there is a third party involved, it can be the beginning of the end. It's like the sign "wet paint" - how many people will touch it to find out!!
I agree. Dont do especially if it was an intense relationship.
Don't minimize your fiance's secret relationship with his ex girlfriend. A committed loving marital relationship can never be built on lies.

If your fiance has no male friends whom he considers confidents, you should dig a little deeper. You will problably discover much more about his past 20 years. If he lies to you now he won't hesitate to do it later.
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