Marriage Builders®
I was flirting with a man yesterday. And I have to say it felt great. My husband flirts with women all the time. He says it boosts his ego. I was very turned on by this man as well. I am scared because I don't want these feeling when I am married. Can anyone please help me?????
This is not the kind of person I should have been flirting with. He is married and has a very complicated job.
Hungry -
There really isn't a type of man you should be flirting with. Your hubby either. It can get out of hand without either of you realizing it until it has hurt your you or your spouse deeply and threatened your marriage.

Congratulations on finding this site. It is a wealth of information. Please take advantage of it before you end up posting on the infidelity board.

There is a difference between flirting and being friendly. Which did you do? Flirting is not okay and can be very disasterous, but being friendly is a good thing. Try flirting with your spouse. It can really liven things up!!
From experience, I'm a reasonably attractive person (not trying to be in love with myself) but I used to be just friendly and then tried flirting (felt I needed to be found attractive). Flirting leads to your mind wondering and your mind wondering can lead to your body wondering. I promise you, it ends bad. Hurricane's suggestions sound good - wish I'd had this good advise earlier.
Flirting is almost always fun and an ego booster. It's flattering to know that you've still "got it". Not only is it dangerous in terms of fidelity but it's also quite disrespectful to your husband.

I have a co-worker that often flirts with clients on the phone and what it does is give the impression to us that her husband's not very exciting or important to her. Because she's always telling people how this guy or that guy is a hottie or how someone (sometimes a client) has a sexy voice. I actually feel sorry for her husband and wonder how he'd feel if he knew she talked this way about other men-- which in a round about way demeans him.
flirting is a natural tendency. it happens sometimes, when you least want it. dont curse urself. Now that u r feeling guilty, let go and liv ur life...u love ur hubby rite? Then stay faithful to him forever.Good luck!
I agree flirting is disrespectful. My wife likes to flirt. However, I know it's from her low self esteme issues. She needs to feel validated by men due to her father.

I hate that she feels the need to feel validated by men when in my opinion, I should be the only person that matters to her.

Me personally? I don't flirt, i have a line drawn in the sand so to speak that I don't cross. I won't allow myself to be put into situations that can cause problems.
Use this as a signal, people...

Flirting is getting your admiration, attention, appreciation and approval ENs met...which means neither you, HRL, nor your H, are meeting these needs within your marriage.

Stranger approval is weak compared to the potency of spousal approval, attention, admiration and appreciation...because strangers, you don't know...you get that clean slate impression, make up the rest, which heightens your thrill from flirting.

Fantasy stuff. Not real.

When your spouse flirts with you, he knows you, thoroughly...no clean slate, abject reality...intense ENs met when you do this with each other...get into it...helps to clean the slate of built up resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, entitlement...and it injects respect...treating each other as clean slates, discovering each other today, brand new (and you both are), is like a power punch of thrill...

Take it as a signal to enhance your marriage...keep within marital boundaries and thrive.

And HFL, if you relive that thrill of flirting with a married man in your head to feel it again...be sure to include you going up to his wife and telling her a blow by blow, word for word, verbal and visual recount of what you did with her husband...that usually helps end the fantasy. And then, tell your husband.

LA
Quote:

Use this as a signal, people...

Flirting is getting your admiration, attention, appreciation and approval ENs met...which means neither you, HRL, nor your H, are meeting these needs within your marriage.

Stranger approval is weak compared to the potency of spousal approval, attention, admiration and appreciation...because strangers, you don't know...you get that clean slate impression, make up the rest, which heightens your thrill from flirting.

Fantasy stuff. Not real.

When your spouse flirts with you, he knows you, thoroughly...no clean slate, abject reality...intense ENs met when you do this with each other...get into it...helps to clean the slate of built up resentment, disappointment, anger, frustration, entitlement...and it injects respect...treating each other as clean slates, discovering each other today, brand new (and you both are), is like a power punch of thrill...

Take it as a signal to enhance your marriage...keep within marital boundaries and thrive.

And HFL, if you relive that thrill of flirting with a married man in your head to feel it again...be sure to include you going up to his wife and telling her a blow by blow, word for word, verbal and visual recount of what you did with her husband...that usually helps end the fantasy. And then, tell your husband.

LA




POWERFULL STUFF!!!!!!!!!!
I wish you were friends with my wife!
RedB.....and anyone else that has issues with flirting...it is VERY DAMAGING to your spouse.

There is a "jealousy" thread under "emotional needs" in this forum that relates to this thread if you want to check it out.

The other thread doesn't say too much about why the spouse flirts so I found this thread interesting as well.

Does everyone here agree that the flirting is done to boost self esteem?

Flirters.......what exactly do you get from this....I'm curious.
As a reformed Flirter...

I got attention, interest, validation, acknowledgment, appreciation, admiration and approval.

I didn't really...just that was my perception.

Now I choose another perception.

False self-esteem booster, it was...living externally, through others, to define myself...like going out the front door of my house and around the block to get to my own back door. False payoff.

LA
LA - great response! I am going to go home and flirt with my husband tonight! Admiration is a BIG EN for him and this is a good way for me to meet that. Now if I can only remember how to flirt...
I often flirt with my wife, she likes it sometimes but I can overdue it. She often thinks that I am doing if for SF, but I tell her it has nothing to do with that.

My wife was a waitress during college when we met. I was the chef at said restaurant. She used to "flirt" some with customers in order to make them feel taken care of and special. This increased her tips. This did not bother me because I knew who she was kissing at night. One time a pro athlete ( Brave's Player ) was trying to flirt with her by telling him about his athletic ability and "other things". She looked him and the face and said, " Now who are you again, sorry never heard of you.". I was proud of that. He left a rather large tip though, guess he liked her candor.
Some positions require being "extra nice" to clients. I am in sales and deal with a few women in purchasing. I try to make the feel comfortable, comment on their appearance, notice any changes ( haircut, etc ). They seem to like this, but they know I am married and it is just a compliment. So there often is a fine line between flirting and just being nice. I have made this mistake in my youth when women were being nice and I took it as a "flitacious move".
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