What are the 'cons' of telling of a secret affair that is OVER.

Marriage Builders

Thanks Beal and also Stung by a Bee and several others for your messages that show you have an understanding that I am NOT a bad person, I am a lady that had an affair, that is married to a good man.

(Read in the topic below "what led up to my affair" for my 'story'.) Everyone had a REASON of their own and to you that are married to someone that was unfaithful to you, it really isn't because they don't love you, this OBSESSION to be or talk with this person is just SO GREAT!

(It really is seperate from the marriage, we become selfish and singular in our thoughts.)
(I am trying to get out of that big FOG!)

Someone recommended I read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring...I can't buy it and have it around the house! And my library doesn't have it.

I read on Amazon that in the epiloge it gives the pros and cons of revealing a 'secret affair'.
Could anyone that has the book, tell me the cons of telling? Why NOT to tell... (I know the pros already from reading this site.)
Thanks so much
Sarah

Sarie,

the con is if telling a spouse would put you in physical danger..
then you should not tell..
but you can not have it both ways either..

if you have a spouse that puts you in physical then you should leave...
period...

no one would advocate telling if there is the history and possibility of violence..

ark

Would that be the ONLY reason for not telling.

My husband would love me unconditionally, I just do not want to tell him and break his heart!
Love, Sarah

unconditonal love is God's love...

uconditional love in a marriage serves no real purpose...and is unrealistic...

i can unconditionally love my husband as a person..but that does not translate into not having concrete boundaries and expectations or even ensure a "good" marriage...

People should not seek nor expect unconditional love from their spouses..

any other reason for not telling speaks only as not valueing them a an individual with the right to make their own decisions and choices...with the correct information to make them with

ark

Hi Ark.
That was why I wanted to know what some of the other reasons listed in the book were; for not telling once the affair is over...It truly was a SECRET affair where others didn't know and there would be no chance of it getting back to my husband.

I know it sometimes helps the cheating spouse to dedicate her life (me) to being a wonderful wife, even though I am conceiling my unfaithfulness. I see no reason to tell him now that the affair is over.

I do not want him to look at me through different eyes, what a huge hurt that would be for both of us; the same heartache & struggle that I have been reading here, that many of you are suffering.
Plus I am still grieving over losing the daily communication and friendship with my OM.
(I was the one he shared his joy with over finding this new lady to spend the rest of his life with; that is how great of friends we were.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am sure I am not the first person to live her life with this big secret. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Sincerely, Sarah

Sarie,
I know you feel like you are ready to rededicate yourself to you M, and that's great. I hope you follow through. The problem is, over time, the same problems in your M that led you to be vulnerable to an A will creep up again. You will be very vulnerable to another A. You got away with it once, whether or not it is a conscious thought, in your mind you will feel like you can get away with it again.

I'll tell you one other thing, then I will let it go since it seems like your mind is made up. You don't respect your H. If you did you would tell him. If you tell your H what happened, he may well leave you. The thing is that decision should be his, and his alone. You are denying him the right to choose. Would you decide for him what job to have, or where to live? No, you wouldn't. And those decisions are petty compared to deciding to stay with you or not.

If you truly love and respect your H, you will tell him. I know you feel like you are trying to protect him by not telling, but in the end you are still thinking only of yourself, not him.
Michael

[ November 29, 2003, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]

Dear Michael.
I have no doubt that he would stay.

It is just that for the rest of our years together, there would be this big ole dark cloud over us.

By my not telling, the dark cloud is only inside of me, not him.
I realize it is living a lie but now he whistles and we laugh at TV comedies and I just do not want the conversations about the OM in our home, don't want to see the sadness in his eyes, don't want him thinking when I am quiet that I am thinking of the OM. (Which I might be.)

I feel quite LUCKY that it has remained a secret and thus no one was publicly hurt by my love affair with this other dear man.
(Both my husband and this man are GOOD men.)

I only blame myself for my unfaithfulness, no one else, not even the OM as it was my choice, I was the married one in this situation.
I realize I am not being fair with my husband, but you know something, I am not even sure that I would want to know if my husband had an EA or even a PA that was OVER...Maybe I would rather live with my head in the sand!
Love, Sarah

I saw the book at the local Books-A-Million, but did not read it.

I will say I only know one kind woman that has keep this secret for years, W sister. It eventually ruined her marriage. Her H is having an A and she "knows" but feels she can not ask because "she has her own secret".

Personally I do not believe God forgives this sin until you confess it to your spouse. This is a wrong against S. As long as you continue in the deception, and there will be deception in the future like when you H ask "What is wrong?" and you have been thinking of OM. You will answer nothing.

You are being convicted to tell, but seem to be trying to find an excuse not to. You know what is the right thing to do, but want to find a justification not to do it.

What makes you think OM will not tell his new woman. Who might she tell? Eventually your H will find out and the recovery will be harder the longer it takes. IMHO

Hi Sarie,

Here's a pro for telling. Not only is it a big dark cloud in your relationship... it's, really, a lie that would haunt you. It's a secret.

Honesty and openness set you free to be the real person you really are... warts and all. It allows you to be loved and accepted for who you are... despite the fact that you have made mistakes (as we all have). Honesty and openness set you up to overcome your mistakes... in your relationship... and, most importantly, in your own personal relationship with yourself.

Telling him empowers you to face it yourself. Until you tell him, it's still a secret you are keeping... and a way for you to maintain the fog.

Truth sets free, they say.

And, by the way, if he tries to use guilt to manipulate you into feeling bad about it after the fact... giving him time to deal with the blow of it, of course... then he, too, needs to grow.

Your spouse does not have the right to hold this over your head in the future to try to make you feel bad about yourself. In fact, telling him is a real step in becoming a responsible, accountable adult. How he responds, really, is his opportunity to behave as a responsible, accountable adult.

We tend to grow out of our selfishness when we open up to others, become responsible, and allow ourselves to be held accountable for how our behavior effects other people.

A con would be an unhealthy response on his part. That's a risk.

Best wishes and congratulations for being honest here. It's a start. I hope that people respond to your honesty in a mature, respectful manner that encourages you to be held accountable for your own personal growth and the health of your future in this relationship.

Laura

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Sarie:

(Both my husband and this man are GOOD men.)

<hr /></blockquote>Sarah,
Sorry, but good men do not sleep with another man's wife.
Michael

Dear Michael.
Oh, but sometimes GOOD men do have affairs with married women.

It happens.

I am a GOOD woman and I had an affair.

We all have two sides to ourselves.
The side that is pure and honest and the human side that has the ability to sin; even when we know it is wrong.

We will not be 'perfect' until we are in heaven.
It is our 'shortcomings' that make us NEED our Savior.

Now I am not saying a love affair is a shortcoming; it is a major sin.
Love, Sarah

I know I brought this to your attention before, but I beleive it went through one ear and out the other.

Why did you invest so much time with your OM? and Why are you missing him?. Because for the last ten years he fulfilled the EN of attention which your H was not doing (by your own admission). Your OM provided an emotional environment where you felt safe in expressing your deepests thoughts and feelings. Has your H done that throughout the marriage as well?

Right now you beleive that you can rebuild your marriage, but Sarie you are fooling yourself because marriage is the work of two people. Sure one spouse can definitely affect positive changes in the marriage but it will a one sided effort that eventually will wear out that spouse, and will leave his/her Taker strong and will drive that spouse to act in selfish and thoughtless ways.

In the case where a H or W who had a PA because his/her spouse's sex drive was extremely low, do you actually beleive that he or she will be able to rebuild his/her marriage if the truth is hidden from the BS? Of course not. They will be going back to a life of sexual celibacy pre-affair, and in time will again be open to having another PA. In the same manner, your hiding the truth from your H, will take you back to the emotional celibacy you lived prior to your affair. How long do you think you can last in an emotionally celibate marriage? How strong will you be in resisting the urge to restart your affair if your OM decides to contact you again?

You see unless your H knows that he has unwittingly contributed his part to the marital environment that contributed to your affair, he has NO chance of giving you some of the attention the OM gave you, and YOU will be the ultimate loser in your marriage.

Thanks for your reply MR. coffee man!
You always have some good points and I probably do let them go in one ear and out the other.

Because I am SO AGAINST confessing this affair to my husband.

The thing is everyone is different. My husband and the OM are different so what OM fulfilled for me, this being needed, the affection, etc. cannot be fulfilled in the same way as my husband.

If it were that easy, we would not have these heartaches; we would never stray!
To just be able to switch feelings for one person over to another. It isn't that simple.
I miss the OM because he was HIM, he was a unique man, just as my husband is unique.

Everyone in this world is different and brings their own personalities and caring ways.

And the lady that wrote before you, I forget her name, said I am searching for a justification NOT TO TELL, and I am sure that is true and I am.
Sincerely, Sarah

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> The thing is everyone is different. My husband and the OM are different so what OM fulfilled for me, this being needed, the affection, etc. cannot be fulfilled in the same way as my husband.

If it were that easy, we would not have these heartaches; we would never stray!
To just be able to switch feelings for one person over to another. It isn't that simple.
I miss the OM because he was HIM, he was a unique man, just as my husband is unique. <hr /></blockquote>Sarie, until my husband had the affair and told me of it, I didn't know what emotional needs I WAS NOT fulfilling. I was doing a great job at many of his ENs, but others I was lacking in. NOW I have the opportunity to work on that part of our relationship.

If he hadn't had the affair, our marriage would have stayed the same. Maybe much like yours. Going about your everyday business, making small talk, raising kids, taking care of house, but not really connecting deeply. That is what he achieved with her because they were both vulnerable. That connection to each other is what my husband and I are striving for now.

But if he had not told me about the affair, we would have remained status quo.

Now, I have almost every book on affairs and relationships. So, I sauntered on over to my library this morning and pulled out "After the Affair." This is what it says:

Disadvantages of Telling
1. You believe the revelation will crush your partner's spirit irremediably.
2. You believe the revelation will create an obsessional focus on the affair and keep the two of you from examining the problems that caused it.
3. Your partner is physically disabled and unable to provide sexual companionship, and yo uchoose to stay together to provide medical and emotional support to someone you care about.
4. You believe your partner will physically harm you.

She then goes in to each one of these and expands upon them. If you want me to provide this information, just let me know which item # you need.

Again, Sarie, I thought that I would die when my husband told me. But it may be the best thing that happened in my life. I am absolutely positive that my relationship with my husband will be improved so much that it will be worth all the pain we have gone through.

Hi Stung.
That was a very thoughtful and worthwhile message.

Yes, that is about the way my husband and I are.
Going about our daily lives, small talk, caring for grandkids, watching TV, taking walks, etc.
We don't talk much 'in depth' conversations yet he is not one to like to get in deep discussions about anything; never has in our 35 years of marriage.

Like I said, eveyone is different with different personalities.

It sounds like you and your husband are going to make it until you are old; spend the rest of your lives together.
I think my hubby and I will also.

Lovingly, Sarah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just an aside that I find interesting--the refrain, "I am a good person" came up on this thread.

Did anyone else read about the mass murderer who defined himself as a "good person"? When asked why, he said because he killed his victims quickly without torturing them.

Someone did a poll among prisoners convicted of violent crimes and without exception they definded themselves as "good people" too. Apparently, there is a sliding scale for "good people".

Not meant as condemnation of anyone, because without Christ we are all capable of lots and lots of sin. But I feel that we too often excuse our poor behavior.

If not a mass murderer or adulterer, who is the "bad person"? If we are actively engaging in sin or are unrepentant of sin, are we not being "bad"? Just musing...

Hi all.
after we are saved, been born again, we sin DAILY whether it is by sin of omission (kind deeds we should do that we don't do) or sins of comission (gossiping, being grouchy etc.)

Jesus teaches if we even have 'thoughts' of adultery that we are sinning.

So you are right in that none of us our 'good' people, the only good and perfect person, was our Lord God, Jesus.

I have asked HIM to forgive me of my unfaithfulness to my husband and I know I have been forgiven.

When HE forgives, he blots these sins out as if they never happened.
Now it is up to me to live a pure life and I surely do intend to.

Thanks everyone.
Sarah

the truth is that not telling is just a continuation of the actions of the affair..

affairs are not just physical acts and contact...they are acts of deceptions and betrayal...
even when the contact is not being acted on
the actions still are...
actions that hurt and are unfair and even cruel...

you can't get around it...
no matter how one tries...

the only thing you are doing is attempting to avoid the consequances of your actions and in doing that you are choosing to deceive the one you claim to love and vowed to cherish...

you can not even begin to build your marriage back sarie when it is a foundation of lies...

there is no building blocks to begin with...

there is indecency and disrepect in the act of withholding information that he deserves to make informed decisions about his life...

ark

Sarie/Sarah,
I haven't raised a 2x4 in awhile but here goes....You are one of the most self indulgent, selfish posters currently on the MB site. You have gotten some great advice from TMCM and others but you chooose to ignore it. Hate to say it but you are still involved in an A, an unrequited EA.

The truth of the matter is that until you tell your H there will be no true intimacy in your M. There will be no honesty in your M and there will be no real love in your M. Your H deserves much better than this and you know it. You're just afraid to tell him because deep down in side your afraid of abandonment. The reality is that the sooner you tell him the less likely that abandonment will occurr. If he finds out sometime in the future, he'll know that for the past several years everything in the M has been a lie.

I hope you reconsider but based upon all of your other posts you appear to be the type of person who is hopelessly selfish but then rationalizes that you are acting in this way to "protect" the feelings of your S.

cwmac

Sarie,

This is a hard post for me, because I am now opening up my past to those on this site. I've always shown my good side here, but here's my bad side....

17 years ago, right after my wife and I got married, I had a very short emotional affair that led to a one night stand. My wife and I were separated for about 6 months because of our jobs when all this happened. I was very young and I was working out a lot and was in very good physical shape. This other person made me feel good about myself and I strayed. I broke the very vows I said I'd never do...

Anyway, the guilt was unbearable. Somehow I put it away and tried to live my life. I prayed and asked for forgiveness and felt some relief, but the nagging in my brain kept eating me away. I always felt the 'secret' would some day come out. This has plagued me for 17 years. Just recently I told my wife about this. I thought she needed and deserved to know if we were ever to work on our marriage. The weight of this secret has finally been taken off my shoulders. I thought I could forget about it but it never went away until I confessed to her. Now it is up to her to forgive me. I have done my part and will do everything to make it up to her if she will give me the chance, but it is out in the open and I feel I can finally put that portion of my life to rest...

It is up to you to do what you do. Just know that your secret will haunt you like it did me. I was lucky that it was me that told her of this instead of her finding out on her own. I know the feeling that my spouse would never forgive me or will we be able to work through this. But, it was not up to me to decide this, it is up to her...

cons, only one.....violence...but if that is possible you should not be in the marriage anyways, and should leave.

There are other cons if one does not seek true intimacy, all the usual self-serving cons, having to deal with loss of respect for you, others unhappiness, etc. etc. If you want to use your H by removing his right to decide how to live his life, than it makes sense to weigh the pros and cons....of course that makes you a user of people, trying to decieve everyone you know about who you really are....not sure where that fits in to being a good person.

Sarie, you act as if you have a choice in the matter...you don't. There is no argument you can choose which will grant you the right to decieve your H of information we both know he has every right too. This is not about pros and cons, this is about morality, ethics, and right wrong.... it is not the affair that is so bad....it is the deciet that injures. The worst thing you can do to a human being is turn them into an object, dehumanize them, and the way you do this is take away their freewill to order ones life as we see fit. You cannot do this when you don't know all the truth about your life. You are one scarey person sarie, you would rob your H of his humanity, and say you love him.....you are using him, for what you want, a happy family, and to be thought of as a good woman. Well, you can get what you want, by stealing your H humanity, that makes you a sociopath...no matter what excuses you use.

re the affair, you apparently don't realize affairs never end until they are revealed....it will always be a special secret place for you..where your H doesn't live. It can't end until you allow him into that place, until he knows all you know....until that time another man has a part of you....

The thing about choices sarie is there are consequences, unescapable consequences. The "cost" of having an affair, is you will have to reveal it or divorce your spouse. If you stay married and keep it a secret you fatally damage your spouse by stealing their humanity....no matter how well you think you can juggle this, the damage is done, and will spread like cancer...it is spreading at this moment...your marriage ended when the affair started, you have using your H for 10 years, and continue to use him...makes no difference whether you see the om or not, the affair is still going on as long as the secret goes on. Affairs are not about ones body, or presence, or talks or letters....affairs live in the secret...and yours is still very much alive. You will not have a marriage until you give back your H humanity and he freely chooses you, you will only be his jailor. His happiness or unhappiness is none of your business, he is a man, a human being, a sovereign individual, how dare you decide what he can and cannot deal with.

Sarie,

You must tell. You had the affair because your emotional needs were not being met. How do you think they will be met by your H now if they were not being met before? If you do not tell you have the choice of staying faithful in the marriage you are in and not being happy, or having another affair in the future. That is not fair on you or your H.

I too had an affair that no one would ever have found out about, and that was over, but I told anyway. Yes my wife was devastated, but not as devastated as she would have been in another five years time if i had had more affairs.

She feels worse as she never knew there were any problems, but it was her right to know. I finally feel that 13 years of my concerns that our realtionship that I had been keeping secret are out. It feels great to finally be free to tell her the worries I have been keeping secret fotr 13 years !!! Honesty has to be the only way forward.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Hate to say it but you are still involved in an A, an unrequited EA.<hr /></blockquote>cwmac made a very good point. Please search your heart. Sit in a quiet room for a while and think about this statement. Do you believe it is true? You say you are still in love will him and probably always will be.

lost-without-her, glad you have finally found peace. Sarie, I believe you will, too, if you talk with your husband. You must at least be seriously considering that or you wouldn't be here. No one wants to get whomped on by others for their decisions.

Think hard. I believe you will make the right choice.

Okay - I have the book in front of me - I'll list what she says - bearing in mind that she goes into explanations and detail on each point, but I don't want to copy the whole thing and deal with copyright infringements!!!

DISADVANTAGES OF TELLING.

1. You believe the revelation will crush your partner's spirit irremediably.

2. You believe the revelation will create and obsessional focus on the affair, and keep the two of you from examining the problems that caused it.

3. Your partner is physically disabled and unable to provide sexual companionship, and you choose to stay together to provide medical and emotional support to someone you care about.

4. You believe your partner will physically harm you.

ADVANTAGES OF TELLING:
1. Telling the truth is usually better than having your partner stumble on it.

2. Telling may increase your chances of staying faithful.

3. Telling may waken your partner to the need to address what's upsetting you before it's too late.

4. Telling reestablishes the primacy of your relationship with your partner.

She goes on to say that several infidelity specialists maintain that confessing the secret is a nonnegotiable first step toward restoring trust.

"...If you decide to confess, keep in mind that your partner's reaction will be influenced by the way he or she reads your motives. If you're perceived as trying to respect your partner's right to be as informed as you, your admission is likely to elicit a more positive response. If you come across as someone who merely wants to be absolved of guilt, your partner won't be as receptive or forgiving. Your intentions can be misinterpreted, of course, so it's a good idea to make them clear."

still more
..." Should you disclose the affair and fail to process what it says about you and your partner, your relationship will probably not hold together over time - or will merely hold together. Restoring intimacy takes more than a confession of infidelity. Should you neither disclose the affair nor process what it says about you and your partner, you may be lulled by the apparent lack of conflict between you and think that all is well again. But nothing will have changed."

She summarizes by saying that there isn't one solution better than the other. She says to make a thoughtful judicious decision, and that..." if an intimiate reconnection is what you hope to achieve, what matters most is not that you reveal or hide your affair, but that you use its lessons to strengthen your relationship."

I know the book is avail on cassette - so you could try that and listen to it in your vehicle!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Sarie:
what OM fulfilled for me, this being needed, the affection, etc. cannot be fulfilled in the same way as my husband.

If it were that easy, we would not have these heartaches; we would never stray!<hr /></blockquote>I think this is wrong; I think you do your husband a tremendous disservice to believe he cannot meet your needs, and that you are not willing to give him the chance. Of course it's not easy!! It's hard, hard work, that seems to go on and on. But it's work I have been more than willing to do to bring my relationship with my H to a new level of intimacy.

You love so much about your husband - how incredible would it be to be able to capture a deeper intimacy and connection on top of all the good things? I would never have believed my H could do so much work, and be so successful at meeting my needs for conversation and openness. But he is!! I am sure he doubted I could meet his needs for SF and RC, but he is delighted to be oh so very wrong on that score.

But to have been condemned to NEVER having that chance? Your not telling is all about you, no matter how you try to dress it up to be about him.

One other concern: how in the world are you ever truly going to be able to heal yourself? You can't bring any books into the house to read. You can't go into counseling. You can't talk to any friends. This is you only outlet, and I do not believe it is enough for you to heal and move forward. We're good, but we're not THAT good! Would you consider telephone counseling with the Harley's?

Thank you Alberta for taking the time to type so much of the book's message about whether to tell or not to tell.

This stands out to me:
"She summarizes by saying that there isn't one solution better than the other. She says to make a thoughtful judicious decision, and that..." if an intimiate reconnection is what you hope to achieve, what matters most is not that you reveal or hide your affair, but that you use its lessons to strengthen your relationship."

Thanks to K and to all the others that have been advising me.
Sometimes I feel like I am the only one marching the wrong way! Kinda alone here with my decision not to tell...I think Beal is the only one that agreed it would be ok and this author also says it is often ok not to tell.

However, I have to do what I feel is right for us, for our marriage.
Maybe the number one reason not to tell would be the number one reason she listed; it would just hurt him too much and for what?

So I, ME, can have a better, closer more intimate marriage? No, I will not do it for that reason.

He is satisfied with the way things are right now, we are basically happy and get along quite well; not knowing is best. Sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My OM and I are both very thankful that our love affair was kept secret and no one was hurt. (By that I mean they don't know so thus weren't hurt.)

After reading many people's stories here, many have went on communicating with the Other Person even after admitting it to their mate so it really doesn't STOP the affair!

Actually, I probably will occassionally talk to the OM...He and I have a deep love and an enduring friendship, and I can't imagine it completely stopping. (The affair part stopping, absolutely but not the occ. phone conversations or once in awhile e-mails.)
Sincerely, Sarah

Sari,

It just goes to show you that you can find somewhere justification to support whatever decision you make. Whether it's the right thing to do or not of course it's your decision.

That said, I have to say that the wise thing to do would be to listen/read all that you can - become an expert on affairs (at least yours); consult with one of the Harleys - then make your decision with your eyes wide open having considered carefully all of your options.

If I had time at the moment, I would share with you what happened as a result of my husband telling me about his affair 4 years after he ended it. He ended the physical part at least, but continued to see the OW & talk with her occasionally just as you're suggesting you will be doing.

I just don't have time! We're 20 months post d-day and recovering nicely. I am so supportive of his decision to have told me even after all years that had passed before he did tell me. And believe me, there would have been no way I would have found out otherwise. It was the "perfect" affair! CSue

Sarie -
Certainly don't take an excerpt from a book as your sole guidance right now. I think her points are extremely valid and I urge you to find the book and read it ...find a way please.

I lean towards telling him, the fact that my H confessed made a huge difference to me. If I had stumbled on it (well, I did stumble on some info which I never thought was an A, until he felt compelled to confess) I think my reaction would have been different, and my ability to trust would have been so completely shattered we would never have recovered.
Carefully read the advantages of telling again. The book, of course, details each point with examples of situations etc.

The reason I like this book is because it does share both sides of infidelity. Maybe not telling him RIGHT NOW is right for you and him, but down the road, when you've absorbed the Harley prinicples, read some more, even had counselling, maybe you will be ready to tell him.
Either way, NOT dealing with your marriage and your personal situation will not serve either of you.

Best wishes.
AB

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Sarie:


My OM and I are both very thankful that our love affair was kept secret and no one was hurt. (By that I mean they don't know so thus weren't hurt.)

After reading many people's stories here, many have went on communicating with the Other Person even after admitting it to their mate so it really doesn't STOP the affair!

Actually, I probably will occassionally talk to the OM...He and I have a deep love and an enduring friendship, and I can't imagine it completely stopping. <hr /></blockquote>In other words, you fully plan on continuing to stab your H in the back. That is why you don't want to tell him.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />He is satisfied with the way things are right now, we are basically happy and get along quite well; not knowing is best. Sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>Best for whom? It is sure not best for him. It is EASIEST for you so that you can continue to destroy him unabated behind his back. You don't want to tell him because you are a coward and because you want to leave open any options to continue the affair. So lets not pretend here that you care about your H. You don't and any thinking person can see that.

You are the LAST person who is qualified to determine what is in the best interest of your husband, He is your victim. You are victimizing him. The rapist does not get to decide what is the best path for the rape victim, but through some sick pathology, you believe you are qualified to decide what is best for your victim. And you can now add his new W to your list of victims, since you have said that you fully intend to continue your affair. I would suggest that you reread sufbd's post, because he was absolutely on target with his remarks.

you wrote:

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I do not want him to look at me through different eyes, <hr /></blockquote>You don't want him to look at you through TRUTHFUL eyes. Because you know he probably would not love you if he knew who you really are. You are a committing a fraud.

Sarie, you are still deeply deluded in a fog and no one is fooled by your attempts to rationalize your continued deceit. It is selfish, cruel and manipulative.

Sarah (pretty and small),

I see you have arrived at a decision and having arrived at it there really is no reason for you to remain here driving people nuts. I hate to say it but Marriage Builders has nothing to offer you. You KNOW it all, you are not going to build your marriage, and you are not even sorry for what you did.

There was a study done recently(last year or so) and they found some remarkable things. One of them was that the more highly educated a person was, the more they felt they did not know. The converse was also true, those who hadn't finished high school, often felt they knew all that was necessary, not withstanding the fact that they were failing by just about any measure of life (divorce, poverty, children issues, etc).

I find your ability to deny remarkable. I find your treatment and thinking about your H just aborant. You really do think of him as your pet dog. Just pet him and he will be happy.

You now go on to say <blockquote>quote:<hr />However, I have to do what I feel is right for us, for our marriage.
Maybe the number one reason not to tell would be the number one reason she listed; it would just hurt him too much and for what?

So I, ME, can have a better, closer more intimate marriage? No, I will not do it for that reason.<hr /></blockquote>If this is not the height of selfishness I just don't know what is. You won't do it so your H could have a better marriage with a loving and honest woman. Surely there are women in your town better suited to be his W than you. You deny him the right to have a "better, closer more intimate" marriage with a woman that loves him. You don't want one, you are so self focused that you thought the comment was about YOU. It was about him. HE deserves a better marriage. You deserve what you will lyingly settle for so that your precious image won't get hurt. You are ONE VERY VERY SELFISH WOMAN. You are denying your H what you willingly sought and got from the OM. And you think God has forgiven you??? I think you might be in for a surprise.

I stated it before, and I will state it again, although I am not a biblical scholar, I do think a person must show and have remorse in their heart to be forgiven, and you are only remorseful that the A ended and in actuality it has not.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />He is satisfied with the way things are right now, we are basically happy and get along quite well; not knowing is best. Sorry! [Frown]<hr /></blockquote>Best for you. But you DON'T know he is happy or satisfied. You yourself state that you never have deep conversations with your H, so you don't know a DAMNED THING. You are just covering your A$$.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />My OM and I are both very thankful that our love affair was kept secret and no one was hurt. (By that I mean they don't know so thus weren't hurt.)<hr /></blockquote>NO one was hurt???? YOu have posted that you have been crying since Aug over OM. How can that NOT affect your relationship with your H and your children and grandchildren? How can your H being married to a lying adultress NOT affect him?? How can your marriage mean anything when you have without remorse broken your vows and lied. How can you marriage been the same since you gave your body to another man? No one got hurt??? Wait until OM marries this poor other woman, and he still thinks of you or calls you. It is possible that he has a higher view of marriage and vows than you do, then it will only be your H who got short changes.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />After reading many people's stories here, many have went on communicating with the Other Person even after admitting it to their mate so it really doesn't STOP the affair!

Actually, I probably will occassionally talk to the OM...He and I have a deep love and an enduring friendship, and I can't imagine it completely stopping. <hr /></blockquote>If you have a "deep love and enduring friendship" you are still having an affair. You say you asked for forgiveness, but you have not gone back to being married "forsaking all others" you are just playing games.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />(The affair part stopping, absolutely but not the occ. phone conversations or once in awhile e-mails.)<hr /></blockquote>You are one heartless b*****.

I have NEVER said that to anyone on this site, but you truely fully meet that description. But, I am suspecting you truely are a troll here. There was another woman like you here for awhile, claimed to be having an affair with a priest right in front of her H. She finally left whether she was for real or not really did not matter. She was determined to continue her life as she had stated it, just as you are.

Sarah (pretty and small) I think it is time for you to leave and NOT come back until there is something here of use to you. It would appear that rebuilding your marriage IS NOT part of your plan.

God Bless you and more importantly God Bless the poor man you are married to.

JL

Just Learning, I don't know what to say. Part of me agrees with you and part doesn't. Compared with my time here, you've had to have seen many people come and go. You probably know right off the bat who is who and such. But I'll add some more 2 cents worth here from a piddly little optomistic short-timer.

If you look at Sarie's posts, she still seems to be waffling in whether to tell her husband. She is still attached to the OM, essentially still involved in the affair. But, she may indeed decide to tell her husband soon.

When I've read what people have written to her, I think she feels that her back is up against a wall and she is in a huge defensive position right now. Think about when someone, okay many someones, keeps pushing you ... it can rile up some feathers and make you put up your dukes and come out swinging. I could be wrong, however.

For her husband's sake, I truly hope she searches her heart, prays to God and decides to tell her husband ... for that is the only way she will find peace within herself and be able to make a true and right marriage.

Stung,

I fully agree with you, but because her "back is against the wall", I believe she should leave. When she seriously starts to consider telling him, or even seriously considers working on her marriage without telling him, THEN this site can be of use. As it is, it is simply a tug of war, and profits no one, in my mind.

Her mind is made up right now, she is still in the heavy fog, and she really hasn't started withdrawal. Why? Well, because although she says she hasn't been with OM since Aug. It is clear she has communicated with him and continues to do that. This fact coupled with her mindset, makes it unlikely that Marriage Builders will be of much use to her. Right now she doesn't want to build a marriage, she just doesn't want anyone to know she had an affair and that in her mind the "love affair" continues. Until that changes, it seems to me we have little to offer her, and her us (other than high blood pressure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Seriously, have you seen anything that anyone has said that has made a difference to her? Or caused her to change what she always announced she was going to do?? In all of her posts, I just see fog.

Hope you are more right than I. I would love to be wrong about this.

God Bless,

JL

Hi all.
Okay, I will stop posting here.
I admit I am in a big FOG.
And yes what all of you have said has penetrated my brain and I will think about telling him.

BUT, since I am still in 'recovery' with an extreme 'secret' sadness over not communicating with this other man, my special friend, anymore, I am just not ready to tell my husband yet.

Last night as he was laying on the couch and I covered him with a blanket and put our doggie on his feet, I felt so glad that he doesn't know about my affair.

So you all don't need to tell me anymore what I should do; this will be my last post.

I do appreciate all the time you have taken to try to steer me on the right path and to confess to my husband; more than likely in the next few months, I will tell him.

Then I will probably be back here for HELP!
Sincerely, Sarah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sarah,

When you are ready for help, whether or not you have told your H, everyone here will be anxious to offer you their best advice. My best advice is for you to do some reading of the books mentioned and consider counseling. YOu do have issues to sort out.

I do hope you find it in your heart to love your H and give him a chance to be the H you want.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks Just Learning, I will read all I can.
My library has a lot of the books that have been mentioned.

And thanks for caring about my husband and me.
To tell him would be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do...

We lost our only son at age 18 from a car accident, now that was hard...Such a fine handsome auburn haired son.
Maybe it pulled us some apart instead of closer together, I don't know...No excuses!

And your strong words of advice did not offend me, Just Learning; they prove to me that you really care about my marriage.

I know I could have lied and told my new friends here the words that would have made you 'like' me but I have been very truthful with you.
God, how I don't want him to know!
Love, Sarah
I said I wouldn't write anymore but I am just replying to your note.

Sarah (pretty and small),

I know you stated earlier that you handled your grief from losing your son, by just moving on and not really expressing it to anyone least of all your H.

Permit me to make a suggestion, whether you tell your H or not about the affair, PLEASE tell him what is in your heart about your son. I don't know that anyone ever gets over such a loss, but I suspect you need to give voice to your pain, and your H is the man to hear it.

Go to your H, and tell him your son has been on your mind ALOT, and then ask him to just hold your hand while you express to H what you feel about this loss and how it has affected you. Do this for me would you Sarah? You need to let this go, and you need to show H the depth of your feelings.

I will warn you about one thing. Your H is very like to cry like a baby when he hears your words, and perhaps he will express his feelings on this matter to you.

I know as a father, losing any child is hard but I suspect one of the same sex is a bit harder because we see ourselves in our children and we hope that they will be US only better. Just a thought.

Please think about doing this. I would imagine this time of year is especially hard on you and your H in this regard.

God Bless,

JL

Ok, Just Learning, I will do that.
That would be a start, for us both to share this DEEP SORROW over the death of our son.
I grieved for the first month, but then hid my tears so as not to bring others down when around me.

Our son had such a bright future, he had just graduated from high school one month before he died...

Everyone adored him, he was a kind and caring boy...He was always so happy and smiling.
He was a football player for his high school and helped his grandpa (my dad) with farming...He loved to play chess, I could go on and on...

But I don't blame my affair on his death; if you read my story of what led up to my affair, it explains it pretty much. (No excuse there either.)
Love, Sarah

Sarah (pretty and small),

I grieve for your loss. In the HS my kids have gone to and the one my youngest is going to there have been several kids who have lost their lives in car accidents in the last few years. There is NOTHING one can do or say to compensate for such a loss.

I do hope you talk with your H about this. It is a start, but more importantly you BOTH lost your son and he may need your help as much as you need his.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning, seldom post, but your intolerance of sarie's situation is heavy handed, she is on here , presumably to gain some insight and support. this tell at all cost sometimes comes with a price. do you promote the idea of telling terminally ill people that they are going to die shortly? sometimes , as Shakespeare said, ignorance is bliss when tis folly to be wise. speaking of ignorance you mentioned that as people's education level increases their awareness of the increase of things which they don;t know appears in increase faster than their gain in knowledge. yes its true. a reverse way of saying this is: there is nothing more cocksure than ignorance: people differ in their ability to handle truma. dont think because someone is 30 years old they are emotionally mature. Im quite certain you would not espouse the idea of telling kids things which they are not emotionally ready for and the same thing goes for adults. some are not ready for certain things which are traumatic. no matter their age. there is a hue and cry for sarie to not post because she doesn't yet subscribe to the party line? come on now. Many who are on this witch hunt with you are poster children for disfunctional lives. how on earth can you throw stones. did not your own problems not soften your heart some? If you were a therapist and had a difficult patient who didn tell you their problems in a way that you thought they should would you simply tell them to go away.Much of what you say is good and you have a decent way with your advice, but please show some tolerance. and by the by there are families where infidelity was never disclosed and for the better. this one shoe fits all is unrealistic. after all this board is to try and save marriages not test their limits. God Bless sarie

checkers

If you consider JL as well as the rest of us MB nazis as intolerant because you define tolerance as condoning not telling her H about her affair then we are guilty as charged.

Sarie may not agree with us about telling her H about her affair but she knows that we are giving her our views in the spirit of goodwill without any malice. I beleive that you could learn from her tolerance of our different views as well.

checkers...Im quite certain you would not espouse the idea of telling kids things which they are not emotionally ready for and the same thing goes for adults. some are not ready for certain things which are traumatic. no matter their age.

1. We are not talking about children.

2. Who decides when an adult is not mature to handle life, especially something as common as infidelity. Who is your "keeper" checker, who do you give parental rights to decide what you can know or not? No one I suspect.

And even if you could defend the notion adults should have things witheld from them without their permission (which you cannot defend)...you certainly cannot argue that sarie (who has a tremendous conflict of interest issue) has the right. And that is the point of this thread (and others).

But just for the sake of argument checkers, who decides what an adult should know about their life?

Checkers,

I do understand your frustration with my comments to Sarie. But, I think you misunderstand my motive. As someone said she is being backed in to a corner. She is NOT ready to tell her H, or even work on her marriage. She has not posted a single question addressing what she can do to make her marriage stronger. She is not a child, she and her H are in their 50's, she helped nurse a critically ill man to health. She has betrayed her H for 10 years. So rather than see her beat up, I recommended she leave until she has questions pertaining to her marriage and how to improve it.

I would agree with your assessment that "one size" doesn't fit all, save this one point. I BELIEVE and KNOW from experience, that HONESTY does fit all. Period,end of story. The fact that a marriage remains does not mean it is functional or even good. I am NOT for a marriage at all costs. The fact of the matter is that Sarie was not happy in her marriage, and she is NOT happy now. It is something she accepts, but would definitely prefer the OM, she has said as much. Frankly, the honest thing to do would be to divorce her H, and make official what has already occured.

But, the final thing to say is that these are MY opinions. You are entitled to yours, and frankly I wish you had posted earlier. She would have liked your message much more than mine. Perhaps she will come back, and read yours. I am sure she will be delighted to see that someone agrees with her that her H should live the life on the ignorant.

I just don't happen to agree. And Yes I do believe telling someone who is terminally ill that they are is the BEST thing to do. It allows them a chance to order their affairs, make peace with their maker, and with their family if they have one. It is the only HONEST thing to do. Finally, most people I have known that were terminally ill, realized it deep in their bones, they knew or strongly suspected. The truth just confirmed what they feared but suspected.

So please feel free to post to Sarie. It will make her very happy to think someone agrees with her. I am not here to make her happy. I am here to offer suggestions on how to improve her marriage, and her life. Frankly, if she feels that OM is her best choice she should be honest with herself and her H. Her children are grown, so there is no family responsibilities, save that of role model. But, she has already failed at that. She just doesn't want to admit it.

God Bless,

JL

hi coffee man. marriage board nazis. thats good. I believe sarie said she would leave the board. was she not asked to? I was only encourageing some of you to be tolerant of her situation. there was nothing intolerant in my posting. sulf ole boy I like the ( ) you certainly told me sure nuf. listen up O wise one who dicides on what adults can know and not know. judges every day, institutions every day, your government every day. if you knew half of what was kept from you you'd be shocked out of your sanctimony. just learning would you dare say you are honest? you said honesty is the best fit always I think? have you never misrepresented anything. kept anything to ourself, never stole anything. that last question is one used to measure honestly on the mmpi. personality psy test. who ususally trips up on that. preachers. too, it seems the fundalmentalist types of people.(cut and dried) have more divorces, more problems than most. statistics do bear this out. is being honest a matter of degree? small things don't count? All im muttering here is give sarie some time. be patient? isnt it possible she just might come around? just comments from the ward. sulfy ole boy try and remember that not all adults are adults. some think they know everything like many adolescents. guess what some never grow out of that stage take care folks

Checkers,

Whether I have lied in my past or not, is NOT relavent. The fact of the matter is that HONESTY is best. My behavior good or bad does not change that. So she gets my BEST advice. It is highly unlikely that we will ever meet, but you would be surprised at who/what you would meet. You yourself would be well advised to reserve judgement of other people.

But, one thing you can be sure of, and Coffeeman mentioned it. The posts to Sarie were our best efforts to help her, not hurt her. You may disagree, that is your choice. But, our best efforts are based on our experiences in life and our beliefs. I would think your comments reflect yours.

If I felt my approach was flawed I would not have given it. It may prove to be flawed, but that is a different situation. I can only know what I know of her situation.

I am sure you are right about one thing. She is thinking, but until she starts to think less of her OM, and more about her marriage, and her family, then I still think my advice was sound. Why?

Because even Harley points out that ending the affair is the CHOICE of the person in it. The BS can do little except offer to accept them back if/when the affair ends. As for themselves, the BS can work on their approach to the marriage, but still the ending of the affair is for the WS/OP to deal with. Sarie, hasn't really ended the affair yet. At best she is in withdrawal. So I expect that my suggestions like many others are really not considered by her.

That is as it is. Hopefully, as she processes things she will come back. If not, then being nice to her would not have helped. All of this is her choice and she knows that much.

So please do post to her and offer you advice for how she should be addressing this. As I said before, she might like it a lot more, and perhaps your suggestions will be the ones that strike a chord with her and motivate her to become either in her marriage or with her OM, but not both together.

God Bless,

JL

There is no malice...
no personal investment too want to see Sarie "tell"...
there is nothing but people stating the fact..
that if you desire an honest, truly intimate marriage/union between two people..
if that is what you desire...
then the only way to do that...it to build it on honesty...
honestly..

it is not now nor ever wrong to tell someone that...

sudbf's words moved me...and may actually make the top ten best posting/advice I have read..

This is not about pros and cons, this is about morality, ethics, and right wrong.... it is not the affair that is so bad....it is the deciet that injures. The worst thing you can do to a human being is turn them into an object, dehumanize them, and the way you do this is take away their freewill to order ones life as we see fit.

pearls of wisdom...with no malice..
just the reality of this situation no matter how you try to spin it differently...

You will not have a marriage until you give back your H humanity and he freely chooses you, you will only be his jailor. His happiness or unhappiness is none of your business, he is a man, a human being, a sovereign individual, how dare you decide what he can and cannot deal with.

a sovereign individual..I love that line...

I too believe Sarie is lost right now.....
I believe if her OM hadn't found someone to marry..she wouldn't be here..

she's not here because of some revelation that she, the OM and her husband...are all worthy of honesty in their lives...
she's here because he left her for another woman...

The truth is not as cruel as the actions that made the truth...

we can say what all the good things we want to be true about ourselves..
compassionate
loving
caring
honest..
but when our actions do not create these things...the words are empty...

that's reality...

ARK
I'm gonna start looking at other people in my life as sovereign indivuals...I like that...that's a neat thought..

checkers... sulf ole boy I like the ( ) you certainly told me sure nuf. listen up O wise one who dicides on what adults can know and not know. judges every day, institutions every day, your government every day.

sufdb...You missed the point, these are people who have power and other agendas...we are talking about personal relationships...that was the context of the question, should have been clear, so I say again...who decides? Who have you (checkers) voluntarily given over the power to decide your life? Anyone? If you are married, do you ackowledge your spouses has a right to decide what you should and shouldn't know (about YOUR life)? Or do you prefer and expect honesty, and reserve for yourself the right to determine your own life (and responses to stuff in it).

checkers...if you knew half of what was kept from you you'd be shocked out of your sanctimony.

sufdb...Shocked? Why? I know people decieve people all the time, it is an awful thing...all one can do is try and choose to be in healthy relationships, and make known that you expect honesty...I also am certain a relationship suffers when deception is part of it, so why wouldn't one promote honesty?

checkers...just learning would you dare say you are honest? you said honesty is the best fit always I think? have you never misrepresented anything. kept anything to ourself, never stole anything. that last question is one used to measure honestly on the mmpi. personality psy test.

checkers...You seem to be missing the point. This is not about who is the better person, we are promoting a principle that impacts relationships, all the time, no exceptions. You jump off a cliff, gravity kills you, everytime....you deceive in a relationship, and it is diminished...every time. Do you agree with this? Sarie is not being taken to task for decieveing, she is arguing it is ok to continue the deciet, and speculateing that she has a right to decide someone elses life, we are are refuting that premise....and pointing out the user someone is who conciously decides to trick someone into being with them. We are asking her (in so many words) to live up to being the good person she says she is. If she says she is instead a sociopath, doesn't care about anyone but herself, and will make her choices accordingly, then no one would bother....capish?

checkers..is being honest a matter of degree? small things don't count? All im muttering here is give sarie some time. be patient? isnt it possible she just might come around?

sufdb...That wasn't all you were muttering, you took a position about honesty in relationships, so got a response. Howeve, I agree that sarie (who I don't think is real anyways, but on offchance she is, and others benefit from these kinds of discussions so is worth the effort) shouldn't rush out and throw herself at someones feet...if she were asking about how to tell, she would recieve advice re having a plan and considering relevant factors to such an emotional revelation. I imagine this thread has pretty much run its course, she has heard what she needs to hear, and will according to who sarie really is tempermentally, decide what she is going to do...we can only hope (for her H and kids sake) he didn't choose a sociopathic wife, and she will choose honesty.

checkers... sulfy ole boy try and remember that not all adults are adults.

sufdb...I disagree, you are essentially an adult when you can reproduce...but I am willing to grant a few more years for a structured maturing and mentoring into the "job"....after 19-21 though, you are on your own (in the sense of being an adult, regardless of any immature behaviour you may express). In any event we are talking about people (sarie and her H) who are in their 50's, by any standards one cares to use, they are adults.

[ December 02, 2003, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by sufdb:
 cons, only one.....violence...but if that is possible you should not be in the marriage anyways, and should leave.

There are other cons if one does not seek true intimacy, all the usual self-serving cons, having to deal with loss of respect for you, others unhappiness, etc. etc. If you want to use your H by removing his right to decide how to live his life, than it makes sense to weigh the pros and cons....of course that makes you a user of people, trying to decieve everyone you know about who you really are....not sure where that fits in to being a good person.

Sarie, you act as if you have a choice in the matter...you don't. There is no argument you can choose which will grant you the right to decieve your H of information we both know he has every right too. This is not about pros and cons, this is about morality, ethics, and right wrong.... it is not the affair that is so bad....it is the deciet that injures. The worst thing you can do to a human being is turn them into an object, dehumanize them, and the way you do this is take away their freewill to order ones life as we see fit. You cannot do this when you don't know all the truth about your life. You are one scarey person sarie, you would rob your H of his humanity, and say you love him.....you are using him, for what you want, a happy family, and to be thought of as a good woman. Well, you can get what you want, by stealing your H humanity, that makes you a sociopath...no matter what excuses you use.

re the affair, you apparently don't realize affairs never end until they are revealed....it will always be a special secret place for you..where your H doesn't live. It can't end until you allow him into that place, until he knows all you know....until that time another man has a part of you....

The thing about choices sarie is there are consequences, unescapable consequences. The "cost" of having an affair, is you will have to reveal it or divorce your spouse. If you stay married and keep it a secret you fatally damage your spouse by stealing their humanity....no matter how well you think you can juggle this, the damage is done, and will spread like cancer...it is spreading at this moment...your marriage ended when the affair started, you have using your H for 10 years, and continue to use him...makes no difference whether you see the om or not, the affair is still going on as long as the secret goes on. Affairs are not about ones body, or presence, or talks or letters....affairs live in the secret...and yours is still very much alive. You will not have a marriage until you give back your H humanity and he freely chooses you, you will only be his jailor. His happiness or unhappiness is none of your business, he is a man, a human being, a sovereign individual, how dare you decide what he can and cannot deal with. <hr /></blockquote>~~~~~~~~WOW~~~~~~~~

I sooooo agree.

Amazing!

Pep

want2shine,

I thought I'd chime in here. I have read numerous posts from various BS. And I did not get the impression that anyone is "excusing" bad behavior. You excuse someone when they belch at the table or step on your toe.

I for one will never excuse my WH behavior. Perhaps someday I will learn to forgive but I don't know when that day is. But I do know that if I had walked out that 6 months, a year, 5 years, whatever I would have regretted not trying to rebuild my marriage. I do believe he's sorry and I do see now how he was trying to end the PA but just didn't have the strength or emotional fortitude to do it.

My WH did a terribe, heinous thing. Is he a "bad" person? I would like to give myself a little more credit than that and not believe that I chose to spend my life with a "bad" person. Granted, when I first found out about it, I probably would have felt better if he was confessing to be a serial killer instead of screwing someone else for the last 2 years. But, alas, since he wasn't we gotta figure out where to go from here. But believe me, he is not excused.

Sarie,

I had to chime in here too. Granted I am very new to this forum and I really don't have a lot to offer but I read your story and I was compelled to write. I too am a registered nurse and know only too well the Florence Nightengale Syndrome. It is a generalization but I have seen it more often than not. We want to "save" everyone, even if it means being the martyr. You were there for the OM when he was sick and dying and now you don't want to tell your husband because you don't want to inflict so much pain on him. It is pounded into our heads from the first day of nursing school to "do no harm." And we do whatever we can for our patients/clients. We know what's right. They should listen to us!!! Well, early in my career I was the little idealistic nurse too until a brick finally hit me on the head and I realized that people are going to do whatever the hell they want to do. And it is not my job to live someone else's life for them. My job is to give the information so they can make an informed decision. I am sure you have in some way taken a class on professional ethics...it's called paternalism and it is unethical. Another thing they pounded into our heads in school is to accept responsibility for your actions. But you know all this. And you know what to do. LOL...we nurses are good at this kind of thing. If we don't get the answer that we want we keep asking until we get the answer we do want. But we can accomplish amazing things and I have met some of the most incredible intelligent and compassionate people in my profession.
Furthermore, the reason you did not feel any guilt was not because you had such love for this OM, in my opinion. It is because another thing we are good at is compartmentalizing. We cannot possibly care for every person that we try to help and their families. We cannot possibly get emotionally involved in every sad case we come across. It would drive us insane if we did. So we learn to build walls that don't allow us to feel such guilt or pain. If we didn't we would be crying and depressed all the time. But there is always that one certain person, for whatever reason, that wiggles their way over that wall...perhaps in your case it was the OM. You know what to do. You just need to find the courage to do it.

[ December 02, 2003, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: CrushedAndHeartbroken ]

good post crushed. Makes sense to me, and if sarie is real, does contribute some understanding to possible explain the rationalizations/behaviours she is exhibiting.

[ December 02, 2003, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]

hi again, its me, sulfi did you say that when one jumps off a cliff its always kills them? well you know what I 'd respond to that, and also, when one can reproduce they are an adult? ah you know better than that. 13 year olds reproduce and sometimes people live thru the dangest falls? the point ..exceptions. they do exist you know. not everyone dances to the same tune or hears the same music. and I wasnt trying to say anyone was better than anyone else. just the, throw the first stone stuff. all of us come up short and maybe we can give others the benifit of the doubt. I was only asking for tolerance. but, who knows, maybe she isnt real. however, what reward would someone get out of spinning such a story. as far as deceit goes in the end its we who deceive ourselves. while many of you have useful things to say for he benifit of those going throught bad times. its not a question of weather ,or not honesty is best, more a question of reaching someone in a way that they can accept. not a question of the intentions of some of you, but try to keep the cure from killing the patient. remember the exceptions sulfy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Checkers...

Tolerance is the enemy of love. If we truly care about Sarie, we're going to offer what we believe is best for her. It does no good to shield her from that. She came her looking for our thoughts. She got them. It mat not have been what she wanted, but she got honesty nonetheless.

I am appalled that you would suggest that someone who is terminally ill should not be told. I pray you are never entrusted with such information.

Ignorance is NEVER bliss. What you don't know CAN hurt you. Honesty, shown in love, is ALWAYS the best thing.

I have a lot of experience with dishonesty. I know it quite well. It is always destructive.

Low

Sarie,

You do feel guilty. You do want to rid yourself from that guilt.

You do love your husband. You do/did have special feelings for the OM. You are a special person. You do love your family. You do want to protect them from any hurt. You do want to protect yourself from hurt.

You do deserve to rid that burden off your chest. You do deserve to be free of the fear of it all one day coming out.

Set yourself free. Just do it. Its not going to get any better finding excuses not to. No, it will only get worse until it eats you up.

Tell him. Tell him everything.

When you have done it, be happy you found us, because we´ll help you understand and help you make it better again.

Gods speed.

Queen

Sufdb you hit the nail on the head as to why telling isn't a "choice".

When my H was deceiving me and my internal alarms were going off, I would beg and plead for him to tell me the truth. I would tell him that nothing he could have done would be as bad as not telling me. I told him that the worse part was being deceived by someone you love. That someone who loves you could so callously dehumanize you by keeping something this important from you was HORRIBLE, UNBEARABLE.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE HIM MAKING ME LIVE HIS LIE!!!!!!!!

I told him repeatedly that I felt I deserved the truth so I could make my own decisions, so I could deal with what I was up against with all the cards on the table.

It took him seeing me almost go insane or curl up and die to finally have him realize that telling me the truth wasn't a choice he had anymore...that if he didn't tell me I might not make it!

Truth from him was almost as necessary for me as food or breathing...I am not exaggerating here.

Sarie my H and I looked at his A as a near death experience and treated it as such.

Think of withholding this information from him like this...your M has a fatal disease and only you know this..your H hasn't been told...in order to cure the disease you both have to know what you are up against and team up to find the cure.

How many BS's here have told you that telling them was the best path...the not knowing is what was killing them??? What does this mean to you????

CrushedAndHeartbroken, Didn't intend to imply that everyone with infidelity in their past is a "bad person". Everyone sins, and only God knows the heart.

It is not up to us to judge in a final way if anyone is "good" or "bad", though we are to look at the fruit of lives and exercise discernment. I am a sinner in daily need of a savior myself! And my fwh is a lovely example of an adulterer redeemed.

I was just pointing out to Sarie that "I'm a good person" is a meaningless, over-used phrase that people in EVERY situation are eager to apply to themselves, as if it somehow cancels out the damaging effects of their bad behavior.

As in, "I realize I am lying to and actively deceiving my spouse--but, I'm a good person."

Perhaps she could examine the possibility that she is deceiving herself as well.

I think it is used as a way to deflect from the issues at hand, perhaps unconsciously.

Sorry I didn't express myself clearly!

Here's the original question posed in the title:

"What are the 'cons' of telling of a secret affair that is OVER"

Here are the 'cons' you are most afraid of ....

Your H will realize he is married to a complete stranger.

You will not 'look good' in his eyes.

You will be seen for who you actually have become.

A liar.

A cheat.

A fraud.

I guess that is the answer, as far as I'm concerned.

Pep

want2shine,

Thank God that your husband is redeemed. I pray that I can say that one day too. I do understand your previous point and I agree.

CAH

Hi Pepper and all.
All those things you just wrote will be revealed when I tell my husband...Inner secrets that will be so unbelievable for his dear ears to hear!

This is what I wrote Sally earlier today:
"I am considering telling my husband, the first of the year, of my long passionate and emotional affair;
It will be SO HARD, and it makes me cry right now just thinking of how to tell him and it breaks my heart how it will make him feel.

The thing is I still care very much for the OM and he feels the same for me (He always wanted me for keeps but couldn't have me so he moved on with his life and found someone else to share his life with and that is good!)

Our communication hasn't completely stopped.
I know when I tell my husband, I have to be willing and ready to stop all e-mails and phone calls. (My OM and I are both dedicated to NEVER being alone together again.)

I am certain my husband will forgive me, but I know how he is, he won't want to ever talk about it again and will hold the hurt inside of him.

How we will be able to heal our marriage after I tell him? I just don't know."

"Dear Lord Jesus, how I dread telling my husband this awful truth; Heavenly Father, PLEASE help me!"

Sincerely, Sarah that is still in a MAJOR BIG FOG!

[ December 03, 2003, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]

Sarah (pretty and small),

Stop the communications now. Make that a Christmas present to yourself, and your H. Then before you do tell your H, come here and people will offer you suggestions on how to approach this. There are many ways and depending on you and your H, some of the ways will be better than others.

As for your H hurting and not talking about this, there are approaches and tactics you can use to get your H to open up and talk. I don't know if you have read my posts to Sally, but that is what I am talking about.

But, there is something else you need to realize and I know you don't because you have not been focused on your H for a long time. The thing you need to realize is that MEN CHANGE. Yes, it is true. The rough tough, strong silent guy does change as he ages. As the hormones subside, he will start to see, feel, and approach things far differently. You want an example, the man that was focused on his career, took nothing from anyone, always played to win, is often the same man that as a Grandfather sits and plays with his Grandchildren while his kids look on with amazement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It is true, men change.

Why am I telling you this? Your H has changed alot in 10 years, and this particular 10 years I can tell you from experience is perhaps the largest change since he went through puberty. The man you are about to reconnect with may well need to talk, cry, and ask for help.

I have been on you hard because your age and the age of your H I understand having just been through it. I do remember being a teenager, much to the surpise of my children, but your age I do KNOW.

You have ignored and pigeonholed your H to such an extent that you really have no idea who he is now. You need to take a fresh look.

One last thing to ask you. Have you talked with him about your feelings about your son?? You need to do this and do it before the holidays. I may be wrong, but when you do I think you are going to be in for a huge surprise. My bet is your H NEEDS to talk about him as much as you do, but he has not for fear of hurting you as you seemed to get over it so well ( I know you didn't, and he may as well).

Talk with him on this subject, ask him how he feels, does he miss him, does he miss the dreams he had for him, and then ask him how the two of you could handle this better, so that neither of you are hurting as bad as you are now.

Sarah, someone wrote to Sally and perhaps you, describing the nurses ability to compartmentalize things and how it affects them and their relationships. I would ask you to consider this and knock down at least one wall: the one that you have put your son off behind. Knock it down, and ask your H to help.

God Bless,

JL

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Just Learning:
But, there is something else you need to realize and I know you don't because you have not been focused on your H for a long time. The thing you need to realize is that MEN CHANGE. Yes, it is true. The rough tough, strong silent guy does change as he ages. As the hormones subside, he will start to see, feel, and approach things far differently. You want an example, the man that was focused on his career, took nothing from anyone, always played to win, is often the same man that as a Grandfather sits and plays with his Grandchildren while his kids look on with amazement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It is true, men change.<hr /></blockquote>i'll vouch for this. i about had a heart attack when i heard my dad, at 64, say the words, 'you always feed your spouse what they're hungry for in the manner they desire so that the life pair-bond continues.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (after he said that, i kept looking at his neck to see if i could find the edge of the mask that the alien -- pretending to be my dad -- was wearing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

sarah, i agree with jl ... i believe you will be surprised by what your seemingly fragile and emotionally stunted husband is capable of accomplishing when given the truth about the state of his marriage.

Thanks for all the advice from everyone.
JL, I always copy and paste what you write to me (and sometimes what you write to others) and put in a special folder to read again when I am more ready. (More out of the FOG; I am still grieving over the loss of daily conversations with the OM.)

I think I see why I have been 'fighting' all the good advice to tell my husband of my affair and it is because I have not been willing to stop ALL communication with my OM.

That scares me so much to think of never talking with him again. We have shared so much over these past years.
Our conversations were about EVERYTHING, we were (are) great friends...I had hoped we could be friends FOREVER. It wasn't until coming to this site that I realized that could not be!

Now things have changed, we rarely talk; he has a new lady to share conversations with, he will no longer be lonely so I am not as needed by him as I have been these past 10 years.
We e-mail notes twice a week, just simple notes that anyone could read, maybe an occassional "I haven't forgotten you Sarah, and never will."or
"Seeing you at the post office today brought back a lot of wonderful memories." "You sure look pretty today, like always!" (He said that outside the post office.)
(We live in a small town and will occ. see one another.)

So now my attention and focus will be on my husband, as it should be.
I feel sad that it wasn't I that was able to end this relationship instead it was HIM.
And I know I HAVE to stop all communication if I want this to work. I will not tell my husband if I am going to keep on talking and e-mailing OM.

JL, I would like very much to know your story.
I would like to read the very first message you ever wrote here, if you could post it again, I would sure appreciate reading it.
(Start a new topic as I would like this one to disappear to page two!)
Sincerely, Sarah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sarah,

You are probably right, but telling your H will help you through the withdrawal you will experience. It is tough to do, but you must for your sake, your H's sake, OM's sake, and the poor woman that is marrying him sake.

I posted the first post. I don't know what you wanted to find out, but it probably won't help you. Sorry.

God Bless,

JL