I was discharged from hospital this morning, I just want to say thank you to all the beautiful people here on MB, Iread all of your resposnses this morning and I was in tears as I read them. Thank you for caring so very much about me.

The staff at the hospital were just fantastic, they are such a dedicated bunch, my p.doc has upped my meds, now taking 3000mg Valpro a day and I have to see him again on Wednesday.
He told me I had a "psychotic Episode", excuse my spelling. He feels that the dosage I was on was not thereputic,I have trouble understanding what he means sometimes, but I agreed to whatever he said I had to do. I have been on Valproate for some time now and only need blood tests every 6 months, I was due for my next one in 4 weeks time, I guess that test would have shown that the meds needed to be adjusted.

H and I have had plenty of time to talk about this while I was in hospital. He knew about the gun and I asked him to get rid of it and the ammunition, which he did yesterday, he took it somewhere, no idea where, but I am just glad its gone. I also asked him to go through my medications and throw out my (stash), which he did, he also got rid of disposable razors, he went out and bought me an electric shavor this morning.

We have talked about so many things, I explained to him how I was feeling on friday night and that when we argue and his anger turns to insulting my mental health (I'm bipolar) that it cuts me to the core. He said he will never say those things again.

The affair issues of 2 yrs ago are way behind us, they have been for over 6 months now, so we don't argue about affairs, I actually rang the OW and forgave her 6 months ago as I forgave him at about the same time.

The main problem we have now is his anger and the things he says, they truly cut deep as the reason my bipolar was triggered was due to an armed hold up in '99 and when he says awful things it just brings the whole nightmare back.

That is one of the reasons I feel so ashamed and embarrased now about thinking of ending it, during the hold up the guy had a knife at my throat and I begged for my life, I said "Please don't kill me"!!! Then here I go willing to just snuff out what I was able to keep at that terrible time.

I know what sent me off the other night and it was such a stupid thing, we had an argument on Tues, can't even remember what about, it was something trivial, and H said on Friday he was cancelling our planned holiday. I got really upset because the trip is to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. So silly, I know. But it was just what sent me over the edge, if my meds had of been working I would have been more rational, I am sure.

Anyway, thats how the whole mess came about, he didn't cancel the trip we are still going on Thursday and as he said we really need that time to talk about US and what we can do to prevent me feeling this way ever again. My house is now basically a "Safe house". H gave my my days meds this morning before he left for work, that is a good thing, he has taken control of them and he has all my scrips so I can't do anything stupid.

He has only gone to work for a couple of hours as he wants to be here with me today and to be honest I need him around right now as I am still very shaky and afraid.

Again thank you all so very much for your support at this horrible time, I have crawled out of the black hole and don't want to go back in it again.

Thanks for all your help.
Love
mtheart.

I'm so very glad you're feeling better. We all find ourselves in that hole from time to time - and sometimes it's extremely difficult to see a way out. But there is ALWAYS a way out and there are ALWAYS better days ahead.

mtheart -

I am so glad you are back with us. That was very scary.

Please stick with us. You will get much better here and soon will be feeling good again. HUGS to you from California.

I'm very happy to see that you are better. Thanks for letting everyone here know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

about that "final straw" don't be embarrassed by that, I think for many of us the big things pile up until something that seems comparitively minor causes it all to explode.

Take care of yourself.

mtheart I'm so glad to hear from you. I was thinking about you all weekend wondering how you were doing. Good to see your ok you hang in there and remember we're all here for you k.

{{{{{mtheart}}}}}

I am thrilled to hear from you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. Please do not be embarrassed here. We, well at least I, have been in the same dark hole that you were in.

Please keep posting. We would love to help you and I am sure your wisdom and experiences will help us, too.

Good luck!

mtheart

I really appreciate your letting us know how you are. There hasn't been a day gone by I haven't wondered. Don't be embarrassed at all, we have all had those days here. Maybe not quite as serious, but everyone has bad days. Thank god you are with us now. God is there for you sometimes unknowingly. I will pray for your recovery and I am so glad you are feeling better.

NY

mtheart, I'm glad you're better. Please, stay on your meds and make sure your pdoc becomes someone you see a bit more regularly. I'm glad your H is there for you, and you know we'll be here, too.

Great to hear from you!!!

Take lots of Care

mtheart,

My tears of concern are now tears of joy!

I am so glad you had good people at the hospital and please, know that there are about a zillion people here that care about you!

{{{mtheart}}}

Major Hugs to You!

So very glad to see you are taking care of yourself and have people around you to love and take care of you.
Sending good thoughts of healing your way.

Thanks so much for all of your support and kind words of encouragement. You ladies and gents will never know how much help you are being to me right now.

My day has been ok, H been home for most of the day with me and we have done a lot of talking (and crying). I am really very tired and have had to have catnaps throughout the day.

Mum has called me very couple of hours and her words (as alway's) keep my spirits up. I know I am going to be ok once this exhaustion goes away. I never actually went off my meds as I know how important they are, it was just not a big enough dose that I was on, so hopefully now that the doc has increased it things will soon get back to normal for me.

It has been good being able to talk and discuss how I feel with H, he has shown no anger thank goodness, just concern for my wellbeing. I don't think he honestly realised the impact his vicious words about me being a nutcase and a loony etc had on me. I think more than the meaning of the words are the way they are spat at me through gritted teeth that pains me. I think he understands now that coping with the stigma of something fairly new to me has a big affect (before I was dxd, I had never heard of bipolar).

Anyway, I just wanted to come on and reply to you guys and again say thank you.

Love
mtheart.

mtheart -

So glad you are feeling better. Years ago I was locked up for severe depression. It wasn't fun. Afterwards I was so embarrassed and felt like everyone knew. Now I never even think about it.

We all have weak moments, that's why the Bible says "Two are better than one, when one falls down, the other can lift him up." (or something like that)

Stick with this board. It is a great place to vent and get support. Get some rest now.