My mom is dying - Marriage Builders® Forums

This is hard for me to post - my mom is dying of cancer. Her breast cancer was discovered in Sept 04 - by November, we knew it had spread to her bones, in Feb, we celebrated her 80th birthday, less than a month later scans revealed she had extensive liver cancer. I live 5000 miles away from my mom, I have two boys, and I work - I was able to visit my mom in February for 10 days, and I went again the week after Easter. Each time I took one of the boys with me - they both knew that she was going to die, so that it was the last time they'd see her. My mom lives with my sister and is in the care of a good hospice so I know she is well cared for and in the arms of her family. But it hurts not to be able to be with her now. It may be possible for me to go again, but that's not decided yet.

My mom has been in denial, and that made the times I was with her quite difficult - she was not willing to talk about what was happening to her, even when she was too weak to get out of bed because she had not been able to eat for two months. In the last few days, she has accepted that she's dying. I spoke to her last night - her speech is very slurred, she can barely speak and she is also on liquid morphine now, so she is very groggy. She has made the decision to not get any more intravenous fluids, and as she is already dehydrated, I expect she will not last much longer.

I love my mom - I have not had a contentious relationship with my mom - although I have a lot of mixed feelings coming up for me. I am grateful that we have been able to be friends, and I believe that she is going to a place where she will be restored in spirit.
I don't want her to suffer any longer, and I pray that she will be released from this life rather than suffer more pain. My mom has had a very difficult life and if anyone didn't deserve to suffer at the end, it would be her, so that makes me very sad.

While I have accepted that I probably have seen my mom for the last time, and I have been able to go on with my family life and my job reasonably well until now, as of this weekend, I am starting to feel very low - I know this is part of grieving, so I am just going with it. I have been depressed before over things that happened to me, but I have never felt depressed over what is happening to someone else. I realize that depression is part of grieving, though, and I expect it will pass.

But I am very sad today. I miss her already.

LIR

[ May 09, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]

LIR - I will be thinking of you today. Maybe you can write her a letter, and your sis can read it to her.

When my neighbor was dying, he loved mail from his family, and was so happy to get letters from them.

It must be awful going through this on Mothers Day. Hugs to you from California.

Lady in Red,

My deepest heartfelt sympathy and support goes out to you. I have buried my mother and a sister, who died at the age of 52 from lung cancer. I know it is terribly hard for you to be separated from your mom right now. Hospice workers told my brother-in-law when to call us so we could be with my sister at the end. Perhaps they can do the same for you?

But now that three years have passed since my sister's death and 11 since my mom's passing, it is not the scene of my mother taking her last breath that I remember, nor my sister's raspy inhale giving way to complete peace.

About my mom I remember her beautiful blue eyes, sparkling smile and the way she always said, "hello angel" when I called her. For my sister I recall the month before she died, when all of my sisters (there are six of us) got together and toured all the houses we ever lived in as kids, returned to our old high school to see the girls' basketball team practicing, and stopped in our childhood church, where we all said a prayer for the wonderful relationships we had all been blessed with and a faith that kept us together even after death. The trip wore my sister out, but it gave her peace as well.

The things you'll remember of your mom are the things she means to you and your family. She will never really leave you, though you'll miss her every day. Healing will come with time, and with the wonderful memories you have. Cherish your mom's memory when she is gone. Live your life so those you leave behind will also cherish their memories of you.

~ Snow

Thank you, believer and Snowbelle -

I'm still crying when I read these - I just keep thinking that what I'll remember of my mom is how much love she gave me - how she was there for me like a lighthouse in the dark so many times....she's one of five sisters, and one has already passed on, so I know her sister will be waiting for her...my brother also died three years ago in May...I wasn't able to be with my brother when he died either...I live in England, but I am from California, and my family are all there...maybe I will be able to go when the time comes...

I'm not worried about being depressed, I guess I'm just starting to let all my feelings come out and I know the sadness won't last forever...she's a beautiful person, my Mom - and I will miss her so much...

Thank you so much for sharing your stories, Snowbelle - that helps...sharing love with each other is all there really is in this world that's important, isn't it? When you get right down to it...

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers...I appreciate it....believer...she always loved my letters, so I think I will write one....especially since she can no longer talk on the phone...

Take care all,
LIR

LIR, in Mother's day, I send a lot of love to you and your mom. I will keep you in my prayer. Lot of love anf hugs.

Thank you so much, lostnhurt...I appreciate all your prayers....I believe that prayers are really helping my mom to cope....

Its really helping to know others care....

I'm going to sign off now, to finish dinner for my family and go try to call my sister's to wish her and my mom a happy mother's day...

Will check in tomorrow.

Bye for now.
LIR

LIR,

My deepest sympathies are with you. Maybe you could write her a letter telling you how you feel about her & send it to her. This would let her know how you feel about her before anything happens, and it might give you a peace of mind to get it off your chest knowing that you expressed your feelings for her before she passed. You're in my prayers.

((((( LIR )))))

...... no words.....

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

[ May 09, 2004, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

I lost my Mom to cancer too. She was 53.

It absolutely sucks.

My deepest, deepest sympathies.

dewt

I have erased about ten things, nothing sounds right.

People do care - I hope you know that. Once again you have our prayers.

Ask your H for help - I am sure he is giving what he knows how to give, but ask him for exactly what you need, and he will give it with all his heart.

Don't be afraid.

SS

LIR, I am so sorry about your Mother! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thank you so much, you guys - you are really helping me get through my day.

I'm at work now, and will get off in two hours and be able to go home. My H is at home, so I'll probably have lunch with him.

Pep - thanks, good buddy - I know you know what I'm going through and what my mom is going through. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I've been praying for you, too.

dewt - I'm sorry about your mom - that's way too young to die - funny you should say what you did because that's just the way she put it, too - you know, she's been in total denial, which has been really hard - she lives with my sister and her family - 3 kids at home ages 20, 16 and 8 - she took care of all of them, was my sister's main babysitter - so it is hard for them, too - last week, when she finally accepted she was dying, that's how she put it - "If this is dying, it sucks!" I give her full marks for being so honest. But that's the way she has always been.

ss - you don't have to say anything. I know you care. And it is REALLY helping me to know people care. I have friends, but you tend to not reach out too much and too often - people don't always know what to say, and also, I live in another culture - the English are notoriously reserved emotionally and yes, there is something to that - having said that, I received an e-mail from someone I don't know well, who was very kind. It helps to be reminded to ask H for what I need - he doesn't know what or how to give instinctively, but you are right, he does give when he's told what to do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ML - thank you so much - it really helps just knowing people notice and do care. BTW - I'm one of those who appreciates your short and to the point style. You have a lot to give, even when some posters don't appreciate it. Don't give up on us yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Gotta go back to work now.
LIR

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by StandingTogether:
 LIR,

My deepest sympathies are with you. Maybe you could write her a letter telling you how you feel about her & send it to her. This would let her know how you feel about her before anything happens, and it might give you a peace of mind to get it off your chest knowing that you expressed your feelings for her before she passed. You're in my prayers. <hr /></blockquote>Thank you so much SA - I did talk to her a tiny bit yesterday - she could barely speak, but I asked her if she wanted me to write to her, since I know how hard it is for her to talk on the phone now, and she said yes. I told her that I was so glad that we had been able to be friends - that we are is down to her being able to be non-judgemental so that I was able to trust her with myself - and since we have been able to be friends, we have nothing to "resolve" - we just have love to give each other. We both cried. We'll miss each other.

LIR

LIR,

You are in my prayers. I really have no words to offer, I am sorry.

Lady
There isn't much that I can say except I am thinking of you and your mom.
H

Thank you so much, BM and Hiker - I do appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I saw your posts yesterday, but couldn't post, as I could only post at work, and had a very busy day yesterday at work.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I have pulled out of the depression and feel a lot better.

My mom was moved to the hospice last night for "symptom management" - apparently my sister found her out of bed, unable to talk, in pain and disoriented. They say they plan to keep her in for 5 days to assess her symptoms and her pain medication. My sister is very stressed, but being able to talk to me helps her a lot. She also has our family close by, who will come and help her, and be with her. I know she is not trying to cope with this alone.

I just want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Because I have now pulled out of feeling so bad, I am able to be emotionally "with" my sister when she needs me. I know so many on these boards are in serious crises of their own, as I have been, as well. So God bless you all!

LIR

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> (((Lady))) I am thinking of you and praying for you.

I lost my mom to lung cancer in 2001. She was 68.
I still miss her so much.

God bless you and your family at this time! Find strength in each other and the Lord!

(((( LIR ))))

thinking of you and hurting with you... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Pep

So glad you are doing better. Some days are worse than others, but that means some are better. Hope today is a much better one.

SS

I know how hard it is so see your own Mother suffer and know that her death in inevitable. I lost my Mom in 2002 to a brain tumor.

My prayers are with you.

Hello LIR,

I am sorry for your pain. I can only say that I applaud you your relationship with your mother. It will be something that you carry with you the rest of your life.

I am thinking of you and your family and will keep your mother in my prayers.

Fraggles, Pep, ss, Alberta and Terri - Just want to thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers - I feel much better today, even though Mom is now in the hospice - I just feel better able to cope with the emotional challenges, even though I am still hurting - I am sure everyone's prayers are helping me.

My sister visited Mom yesterday, and apparently, Mom was able to sit up in bed, but she is MAD! This is something we have all been dealing with with Mom - for a long time, she was in total denial, last week, she accepted that she was dying, I guess that having accepted that, she is more able to admit that she is angry about it - but her anger is focusing on everyone who is trying to take care of her. Like, nothing the doctors, or nurses, or care workers, or my sister and her family, do for her, is QUITE right - not good enough - she expresses her frustration with EVERYTHING. I got Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book "On death and dying", so I think I am understanding that what's happening with my mom is that she is just projecting her anger on to everything around her, even us - and like I said to my sister - "if you were her, wouldn't you be mad, too - let's just welcome the opportunity we have to be targets for her anger - she has us, so we can help her by letting her direct some of her anger towards us - we know her well enough to know she will get over it" - my sister and I just both sat there and laughed.

But you know, it still hurts - I worry about my sister - that she's the one taking the brunt of this - and for my mom's sake, I hope she gets past this angry stage before she dies. If she doesn't, and she might not, then that's OK, too, we accept her the way she is - we will laugh about her anger afterwards, but it is also a BIG lesson to me (and to my S and BIL, because we have talked about this) about the danger of holding resentment and anger inside of yourself all of your life. We think she is reacting this way not just because of facing death, but because of all the buried frustration, sadness and resentment she has carried with her for the last 35 years, over her D from my dad.

For me, there's a real sadness in that, because I remember when my grandmother died (my mom's mother). My grandfather left my grandmother in the middle of the Depression with 5 little girls - my grandmother had good reason to hate my grandfather. And my grandmother was, in many ways, a bitter woman. I remember when she was dying, I asked my mom how she was doing, and my mom told me that my grandmother had surprised her by reaching up and holding her hand and saying - "I'm telling you, P., let go of the bitterness you feel towards J., I regret holding on to it and what it did to me, I don't want to see that happen to you, so whatever you do, let it go." Also, my grandmother had told my mom that she thought my mom shouldn't divorce my dad - as bad as my dad was (and he was as a textbook WS), my grandmother thought my mom should try to stay married to him. So I think my mom blames herself for divorcing Dad, and feels partly responsible for a lot of the trauma we went through as kids. But she hasn't been able to let go and move on, emotionally, and I think she's angry with herself for that, too. She has actually replayed her own mother's life, even though she tried not to.

That scares me a little - I do NOT want to be the third generation of women to run this videotape, ya know? That's one of the reasons why I have hung on to my marriage so hard, even if it isn't perfect, even if we don't have POJA, even if H isn't reading from the MB hymnsheet (yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) - he's getting closer.

I'm learning a lot from my mom, even now - it's making me think a lot about the value of detachment, acceptance and true forgiveness.

I also feel I've been shown a little better how to pray for my mom - to pray that she will be able to forgive herself. My mom is not a member of any church, so I also pray that she will experience the true love of our Lord before she dies.

LIR

Dear LIR,

I am sorry to hear of your mom's condition. It is certainly hard on all involved. Receiving support from those who care but can't be there is important. Let your sister know that.

In my case, I have a lot of family support. However the one my parents want to hear from is a WS (wayward sister) who has chosen NOT to care for her parents in anyway. It is hard to believe we are even related. On the other hand the support I have recieved is precious and priceless. From family, friends and even acquaintances made at the hospital, we are all helping each other out.

Keep the contact going with your mom and sister. Right now they both need to know you care and are there with them in supportive spirit. Prayer is a powerful tool for providing encouragement.

Take care of yourself also. Do the healthy thing.

Let us know how we can help and thanks for your support on RH's thread.

Mahalo,
L.

Lady_in_red, I know what you are going thru. I think we have a lot in common. My mother died of breast cancer 7 months after d-day. I had had a wonderful marriage for 30 yrs, but temptation struck my H while I was preoccupied with my mother's fight with Breast cancer. She was 76 when she died, a year ago next week. I had been a devoted daughter and used the internet to help fight the disease - for 12 years she fought it. I had to go back to visit my mother, after promising her I'd come back soon, instead of meeting my H overseas for a holiday. His interest in OW intensified. Later when I discovered the A, I coudn't spend the remaining time with mom. I only saw her briefly near the end. Last time was mothers day 2003. The end is not painful and she will know nothing. You probably should get the doctors to give you a detailed analysis of the type of breast cancer your mother has. It might have implications for you. I know about my mothers type and it does impact on my risk of that type of bc.

Like you, I feel overwhelmed with what I've had to deal with this last year. somehow we get thru it though. Your mom will pass peacefully. I now those phone calls where they don't make much sense or don't have the energy to speak much. My mom more or less had the same type of progression as yours. It's a pity you cannot see her - try to get to see her if you can. I regret not being with her for the end.

with love

anyname now_wiser@hotmail.com

Thanks so much, you guys -

Orchid - I'm praying for you and your family - yes, it is hard when one family member is estranged - we have a cousin who has turned her back on her family, and even after all these years, we all still feel sad for her - she is missing so much -

anyname - thank you so much for your kind thoughts - I'm so sorry to hear about your H's affair - I can imagine how horrendous that must have been for you - IMO, its really the ultimate betrayal to have an affair when a family member is dying. I came to MB after my H's second EA - he was deeply in the throes of being in love with the first girl while my brother was dying (3 years ago), and I found evidence of his feelings for her just days after the funeral. I managed to derail that R by exposing it to her family, but my H shifted his attention to someone else - during the time he was getting involved with EA2, our SIL died, and I discovered the evidence of that EA two months after her death. I hit the roof (and him) and the rest is history - I found MB and started trying to follow the advice given here, my H got himself into IC upon my ultimatum - he is still going to IC, and we have recovered a lot, but still have work to do. I sympathize with you. Right now, I still have tiny doubts, even though my H has been GREAT throughout all of this, as to whether my H is not up to something behind my back - so far, though, I haven't seen any of the signs that were there when he was involved with the other two, so I am going with the idea that he is being a good husband and being there for me. I can't handle any more stress, after the last 3 years - I need all my energy to deal with what my mother needs from us right now. But I will say this - as painful as this is, the pain of betrayal was worse.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, and I hope that you are finding ways to heal.

My mom is not doing too well - her arm broke day before yesterday for no reason - the nurse was helping her to drink a glass of water, and she just reached out her arm for the glass and there was a loud POP in the room - they took her into ER for an xray and found her upper arm bone had a spiral fracture. They said that her bones are as fragile as glass now and she can't be moved - they are trying to make her as comfortable as possible with morphine - my sister said when she saw her yesterday, she was sleeping deeply and peacefully, but when she woke up, she tried to say "help me".

Please pray that God will take my Mom soon.

LIR

You and your Mom are in my prayers.

I remember all this. I think about you both lots and also lately have been remembering my own Mom.

This is a harsh time.

dewt

Thanks dewt -

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

I also appreciate your honesty. I've always felt its best to look things square in the face.

Thanks again,
LIR

LIR, I still pray for you and your mom. Please look up in GOD. HE will take care of your mom in heaven. {{{{{{LIR}}}}}}}

Dearest LIR,

I haven't been onto the forum for the longest time, so don't know if you remember me, but it was good to see your thread - until I read your sad news. I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. I lost my Dad very suddenly a few years ago and I always wished that I could have told him just how much he has shaped my life. My H lost his Dad a month ago. It was sudden and unexpected, but he had had a heart attack 4 years before, so they had "extra time" (as the family called it). They made sure that they always called eachother if a thought or memory surfaced - you just never know how long you have to tell someone all the tiny things that you hold in your heart. A letter is a wonderful idea. So are photos - old ones and new ones - they remind us of happy, sad, significant and day to day events that make us part of eachother. Your Mum looks out at you already every day - from the eyes of your children. Give her the chance to pass her wisdom on to you - and make sure that you tell her that you're okay - I know that my F-in-law always worried that, if something happened to him, his beloved family would all stick together and be alright.

I so hope that you and your H are in a place where he can offer you his love and support. Know that our love and support are here for you.
Take care and God Bless.
Fishwife

Awful...

So many similarities... even the anger... if you want to email me, let me know.

Meanwhile...

morphine... lots and lots of morphine.... and ativan too.

Pep