I'm stuck again...is it me or FWH??? - 06/15/04 12:36 AM
We are stuck again in a cycle. This is how it's been for the past several months:
Things go GREAT for a few weeks. Then I hit a down period. Usually sparked by a trigger (triggers are there every day but every few weeks they really trip me up) and then I get sad, then angry. I try to talk to H and things go OK as long as I have "my head on straight." Meaning analyzing what I am feeling, L'il Miss Rational full of pyscho-babble and all that stuff. But it usually slips into where I get REALLY emotional.
Note: I am famous for using my head to shut off my emotions. Been doing it my whole life. I am working HARD on trying to STOP that so that I can process all these emotions, and hopefully in the end diffuse them, so they don't resurface.
So, when I get to the point where I get really emotional, he stops listening. It starts as subtle as his body language. He shifts his body away from me as soon as he gets uncomfortable with the conversation. I have to admit, as soon as that happens, I know he is ready to get defensive, frustrated, etc. and I turn mean. Sarcasam is my favorite course of action. I heard somewhere that sarcasm is pain with an angry mask on. So,of course, you know where that gets us. NOWHERE.
And unfortuantely, with our schedules, work and kids; our discussions usually don't start until evening and when these episodes happen, it's late.
He ends up getting more angry about the time and defensive about my feelings, and I get more sarcastic and mean.
I KNOW the pattrn. We have talked about the pattern.
I have admitted that at these times I am full of righteous indignation. Everything I say is full of it! He complains about it being really late (usually by then, it's early AM hours) and I get angry b/c his most "romantic" meetings with SOW were early morning hours. How insulting to me!!! He can spare some sleep for her, but not ME???
How can I control what I feel and when I feel it and how strongly I feel it??? Sometimes conversations start and I have NO IDEA how emotional I will end up.
I am reaching a turning point, I feel. This weekend was another monthly session of the above situation. Today, I feel disconnected from myself. I am shutting down again. I shut down before several years ago in the M b/c I felt that I was only accepted and loved when I was happy. I am starting to feel this way again.
Things are great, as long as I don't mention the dreaded A. Well, let me amend that to say, if I do mention it, I need to be "all thinking," spouting off all that I have learned from my reading and posting....but if I put too much emotion into it - there's trouble.
I am starting to take real little things personally now too. Today is the 12th anniversary of our first date. He wrote me a letter apologizing (again) for the events of the weekend. Nice - yes, but he DATED it wrong. June 16th. HUH??? Ok, I know - guys aren't good with dates.
Is it me??? Am I wrong to need to be really angry and hurt and show him that? Am I wrong to feel he needs to sit there and "take it" and be supportive and accepting of my pain? I am in this place and I never asked to be put here. I had no say in these turn of events, yet I feel I am the one left to "handle it."
*sigh* I don't know what to do next.
<small>[ June 14, 2004, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: Fraggles ]</small>
Things go GREAT for a few weeks. Then I hit a down period. Usually sparked by a trigger (triggers are there every day but every few weeks they really trip me up) and then I get sad, then angry. I try to talk to H and things go OK as long as I have "my head on straight." Meaning analyzing what I am feeling, L'il Miss Rational full of pyscho-babble and all that stuff. But it usually slips into where I get REALLY emotional.
Note: I am famous for using my head to shut off my emotions. Been doing it my whole life. I am working HARD on trying to STOP that so that I can process all these emotions, and hopefully in the end diffuse them, so they don't resurface.
So, when I get to the point where I get really emotional, he stops listening. It starts as subtle as his body language. He shifts his body away from me as soon as he gets uncomfortable with the conversation. I have to admit, as soon as that happens, I know he is ready to get defensive, frustrated, etc. and I turn mean. Sarcasam is my favorite course of action. I heard somewhere that sarcasm is pain with an angry mask on. So,of course, you know where that gets us. NOWHERE.
And unfortuantely, with our schedules, work and kids; our discussions usually don't start until evening and when these episodes happen, it's late.
He ends up getting more angry about the time and defensive about my feelings, and I get more sarcastic and mean.
I KNOW the pattrn. We have talked about the pattern.
I have admitted that at these times I am full of righteous indignation. Everything I say is full of it! He complains about it being really late (usually by then, it's early AM hours) and I get angry b/c his most "romantic" meetings with SOW were early morning hours. How insulting to me!!! He can spare some sleep for her, but not ME???
How can I control what I feel and when I feel it and how strongly I feel it??? Sometimes conversations start and I have NO IDEA how emotional I will end up.
I am reaching a turning point, I feel. This weekend was another monthly session of the above situation. Today, I feel disconnected from myself. I am shutting down again. I shut down before several years ago in the M b/c I felt that I was only accepted and loved when I was happy. I am starting to feel this way again.
Things are great, as long as I don't mention the dreaded A. Well, let me amend that to say, if I do mention it, I need to be "all thinking," spouting off all that I have learned from my reading and posting....but if I put too much emotion into it - there's trouble.
I am starting to take real little things personally now too. Today is the 12th anniversary of our first date. He wrote me a letter apologizing (again) for the events of the weekend. Nice - yes, but he DATED it wrong. June 16th. HUH??? Ok, I know - guys aren't good with dates.
Is it me??? Am I wrong to need to be really angry and hurt and show him that? Am I wrong to feel he needs to sit there and "take it" and be supportive and accepting of my pain? I am in this place and I never asked to be put here. I had no say in these turn of events, yet I feel I am the one left to "handle it."
*sigh* I don't know what to do next.
<small>[ June 14, 2004, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: Fraggles ]</small>