Marriage Builders
Posted By: roughroad lostnhurt.... - 07/20/04 12:46 PM
just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. i'm sure you're doing okay or you would let us know, prayers to you.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/20/04 03:49 PM
RR, I've been thinking of you too. I just said a prayer for you and your WH. I hope that things will go smooth this week and GOD will soften WH's heart. I may call you later depending on the schedule.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/20/04 08:54 PM
well as you can see i tried to start another thread for you and it almost fell off the forum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> i'm glad you did see it and i did read your update on your other thread. i actually thought about calling you over the weekend but i wasn't sure what the time zone was in canada. unfortunately right now my phone is out of commission. the phone people have not come out and buried the phone lines for going on 3 weeks now and my landlord hit the cable on sunday when he was mowing the lawn. but who knows maybe the phone people came out today and fixed everything, that remains to be seen.

i'm glad things are going well for you in canada. i know, we all know, about the dreams. like i said before i seemed to be having them a lot more lately. but now anytime i have an image come in my mind that i don't want, i just say "Lord keep me focused on you, keep me focused on you" i just keep saying it over and over. this morning i got up at 5am and read my bible and prayed whereas i used to do it when i got to work. but when i was done i went back to bed for 30 minutes because i had basically woke up around 2am and didn't really go back to sleep. i want to try to start my days off w/God before i do anything and it's going to be an adjustment to get up early. i tried to go to bed earlier, i was in bed by 8:15pm but it took awhile for me to get to sleep, had to get up to go to the bathroom, and then just didn't sleep well. of course things are going to change even more when the dogs are here but i guess i wouldn't expect any less if i had kids.

if my sleep doesn't get better, i will talk to my doctor about getting something to help me sleep. i have an appt on 8/18 already that i made in feb for my annual exam.

i bought some books and a cassette today from Dr. dobson's website family.org the books are: "living w/your husband's secret wars" "the giving marriage" and "a woman who hurts, a God who heals" the cassette is called "the Christian woman's search for self esteem/building your mate's self esteem" Hoping that those will help me focus more and not worry about things i can't control. i have plenty of time to read the books, i just need to do that instead of watch TV. i should get the stuff in about a week. i'll let you know if they are good or not.

again, it sounds like you are doing really well in canada despite circumstances being what they are and i hope the rest of the time you are there is just as good and it will give you what you need in order to deal w/things when you get back. when do you go back to work? when do the kids go back to school? save your energy LH and just do the best you can, when you can, and for as long as you can and remember that God loves you and will provide for you and has you in his arms, always. prayers to you.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/20/04 09:01 PM
double post, computer too slow

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>
Posted By: Cherished Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/21/04 01:07 PM
Lostnhurt,
I've been looking for your posts and figure that your H is still in the fog and you are looking at being able to enjoy your life without him, if he stays in the fog. Hope that's the case --
Cherished
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/21/04 01:31 PM
Dear friends, thank you for your posts.

I prayed and thank GOD the first thing when i woke up in the morning everyday. I know what you mean RR. Maybe getting yourself very tired will help you to sleep, or try LL's remedy, take benedryl and Xenax together. I know that half of a Xenax will knock me off, one pill will make me very drowsy.

I am still having good time here. Basically to keep myself busy everyday, so much to do, so much to discover. I just found out that the community center was about 10 minutes walking distance away, it has a big pool with slide, library, ice arean and a 24 hr McDonald's. Well, I have a car to drive too.

Yesteray, I also went for a foot massage which only cost $20 for 45 minutes. I need to build up my energy here to fight for whatever when I go back home. I planed to go 7/31. B/c D has orthodontics appointment at 8/2, and she also needs to be seen again by the Dr. in the family center, then she is ready to go to her mucis camp on 8/11. The kids school will start at 8/26, mine will be after labor day. Cherished, how are your kids doing and how is the program going?

RR, the time here is estern time. I usually have trouble using the phone in the evenings, b/c ny brother will be online for the whole evening. But I can try weekends if we are not going out. My brother always wants to entertain us in the weekends when he is off.

This afternoon, D and I will be watching the musical show Hairspray, we will also spend sometime in downtown TOronto. Friday evening I will go to Bible study. I am trying to focus on GOD and have him steer my life.

Believer, LL, and all other friends, I miss you guys. I just do have as much conveniece as at home to check on everything here. I hope everything goes well on you. Prayers for all of you.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/21/04 01:46 PM
Lostnhurt - Oh there you are. Glad you are having fun. Keep busy and rest up. You deserve it. Everything is the same with me. But I'm enjoying the summer, the beach, and fishing.

roughroad - Benedryl alone works for me to sleep. I take 2 at bedtime and now (finally) sleep all night. My doctor suggested it.

I am praying for all of you ladies. So far it doesn't seem to be working, but maybe you will at least win the lottery.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/22/04 07:16 PM
We went to see Hair Spray yesterday. It was a good show, but the music was not as good as Mama Mia. Both me and DD enjoyed. Downtown Toronto was hard to drive and expensive to park. But I did it.

Well, when we came back home, it was a mess. There was tentent rented bother's basement(with different doors and basement was completed with bathroom and kitchen and 2 bedroom). I already heard of the story about the tentants when I came, but didn't relized it was so bad. When I came home, I heard screaming, yelling and crying. SIL was down there. Then she told me that this lady wanted to suicide, 2 letters were already written. I went down and she sat on the bathroom floor crying and talking to her H on the phone a 3 year old girl was wandering around. The H already left them. I don't know the detail, but she said that if you still treat me like this, I am going to die. SIL was so scared. I calmed this lady down and pat her in the back. SIL said whether she need to call police and asked the H on the phone, the H said go ahead. I said that we should see what is going on. Finally, her sister came and took her and the girl. We came back up for our dinner, it was almost 9pm. What a night.

SIL was really worried. She was afraid that this lady will die in here house or will harm the kids. SHe told me that this lady drinks a lot and smokes too, she and her H always fight. I just feel so sad and tired. I really don't know what her problem is, but I wish there will be a chance I can tell her this website. But if she is not stable, I don't know how much it would help.

TOday, I took brother's car to the dealer for a minor fix, he said that I need to take all the kids with me b/c of the situation down there, so I went with 4 kids. But it was ok.

Why are there so many M problem in our society? What went wrong?
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/23/04 10:34 PM
I've been feeling so well untill about 30 min ago.

WH called and said friend S and i will come to TOronto tonight, do you have a place for us to stay? I said I need to ask bother. He said, ok, you don't have to, we are going to book the hotel and hung up. I felt so strange and wanted tp know whether he would want to see the kids, whether I should let brother and the kids know he is here. So I called him back.

He said, I am booking hotel, I don't need to beg you. I said you are not begging me for anything, it is reasonable to ask brother that whether your friend can stay, but I am not talking about that. I would like to know how long you will be here and when you want to see the kids. He said, I don't know, don't bother me, I am booking hotel and hung up again. So I called home, he was there. This time I was mad. I said why did you hang up the phone, he said I have nothing to say. I said I do, I havn't finished talking yet, it is not polite what you you did. What is your problem? You don't want to see me is fine, don't you want to see the kids? He said I do, then should I wait for you at home or can I go out? I need to plan. He said that I am not going to bother you.

I was so upset. I didn't cry for a long time, but I couldn't hold up my tear now. This WS is too much, my heart is broken again.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/24/04 02:11 AM
Yikes lostnhurt - stick to your boundaries. You are doing very well.
Posted By: lordslady Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/24/04 05:18 AM
LNH,

I'm just catching up on things with you. I haven't been on as much this week. Up until your last post on here, it sounded like things were going very well and like you were starting to relax and live again. (Except for that really scary incident with the tenant!)

I have no business suggesting Plan B here because you know as does everyone else that I haven't done one yet. But truly, you sounded so much better when you weren't talking to your WH.

Now you hear from him, and he's hurtful, and you're back feeling rotten again. (Although in my experience, the "low" feelings don't last as long as they did in months past.)

Don't try and figure him out--you can't!. It's just my WH trying to convince me that it was MY fault that he had to move OW in with him to help pay rent. I let myself think too much about it every now and then and start to wonder, "Should I have let him come back home? Maybe if I would have..." But I know that's garbage!

They're in their own little la-la land right now. We have to remind ourselves of this. I don't even think they realize they are hurting us. It doesn't make sense.

My WH hasn't called me in several days now. His calls and texts have been few and far between since he got his insurance settlement for his truck last month.

Sometimes I still think of old times and my heart really misses him. And then I look around and say, "But LL, you've been by yourself since February when WH moved out (earlier, if I count when he started staying away for days at a time) and you're still alive. You're doing okay."

LNH, you're doing okay, too. Look back to how long you've been doing this. You're still hanging in there, and you're sounding MUCH better than you did a few months ago. You're getting stronger.

LL
Posted By: Cherished Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/24/04 01:25 PM
Lostnhurt, I think part of the reason for Plan B is that the WS is TRYING to find a reason for blaming his behavior on you. He doesn't want to take responsiblity for his behavior, he wants to blame you, and he'll try anything to do it.

When you return, be ready for Plan B. I think it is a very good sign that he is trying so hard to blame you. If he was really gone, he wouldn't care.

Cherished
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/24/04 08:08 PM
Thank you, my friends, I know that this borad gave me all the support I can have. I feel guilty that I was not able to support others like Believer.

Last evening after I finished typing the message, brother and SIL came home. I told them that I didn't want to have dinner, but I did prepare the dinner for them. I was getting ready for a fellowship. I didn't tell them about WH. But the phone rang, it was a mutual friend of WH and brother. They asked about WH's phone cell number and said he had left. They offerd for them to stay. SIL was not happy about what they said and told me that if WH wants to stay, he should be here. I told them the story, they didn't say anything. I know that they didn't like WH's behavior. But I left for the fellowship.

The message in fellowship was how to be the winner in the family life. The answer is that let Christ to be the Lord. It was a good one and it fitted to my situation too. I really thank GOD to bring me there. I forgot about WH and the upset didn't last very long. I came home at about 10:30pm and had a good night sleep.

This morning, none of us expect anything, kids didn't know WH was in town. We all thought that he would be just leave without showing up. BUt at 9:30am, the door bell rang, you know sho showed up. SIL said why didn't you stay here. WH said your sister said I couldn't stay! What kind of twist. I didn't say anything. They I saw him brought a little grocery bag and asked him what it was. Can any of you guess what he brought?

It was the hair cut tool set! His hair was getting long, you all know that both S and he never wanted to have anyone else to touch their hair, he came all the way here and wanted me to cut his hair! In Chinese, we call this knid of shameless person: thick face skin.

SO I gave him a hair cut, and had S's hair cut too. It is very inexpensive for them to have hair cut here: $6 Canadian. But S refused to go, and WH didn't want that either. I will do a Plan B and he would have to have someone else cut his hair.

After going out to lunch, he came back with us and is taking a nap now. The only thing I can think off is THICK FACE SKIN.
Posted By: Cherished Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/24/04 08:56 PM
After I booted my H out of the house, he came back to use the clippers. LAME EXCUSE to be there, that's what it is. Your H is DESPARATE. Reality is sinking in. If it hasn't sunk in by the time you leave Toronto, Plan B may well do it.

Cherished
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/26/04 03:03 PM
hey Lost, just getting caught up on your last few posts. glad to hear that things are still going well for you in canada. even w/the situation w/the suicidal tennant, you handled it and yourself very well and that's because of all you've learned.

as for your H, well he truly is getting mean! and to drive all the way up there for a haircut! for goodness sake, that would really be funny if that's the reason the PBL worked, because he missed getting his haircut. well, i think you can kind of see the humor in that. anyway, he is doing everything possible to blame you and make you feel bad and he has absolutely NO CAUSE for this. you haven't given him any reason and that's so good and shows how far you have truly come. i am so proud of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God sends things our ways because his plan and will are perfect. sounds like the fellowship you had friday night was just what you needed at that time, isn't God good? i got lazy saturday night and sunday morning and didn't pray my prayer that i ususally start and end the day with. all the way home from church on sunday afternoon, i had stopped by burger kind and gotten something to eat and as you know i listen to that radio network that has all the Christian programs on it. well on my way home from burger king a message by Dr. Charles Stanley was on and it was about prayer. it talked about asking for things in the Lord's name and how we don't know what God has prepared for us and that he ALWAYS answers our prayers. that even though we have needs and desires and pray w/out ceasing that God is taking the time to prepare us for his answer to our prayer. that anytime we don't feel like praying then that is the time we need to pray the most. even if we feel like we are praying too much that we still need to do it because that's what God wants. so needless to say it is what i needed to hear. i need to work harder at not letting my sleepiness get in the way of my prayer life. i took down the tape # to that message and i'm going to order a copy of it to listen to.

my H can't leave florida until december because of school so maybe this means that God is going to use this time to prepare me and my H for what lies ahead. the same could be said of your situation and what God is doing for you to prepare you for what lies ahead. going to canada was the best thing that could have happened to you right now and God knew and planned that. absorb all the energy you can so that you have what you need for when you get back and so you will continue to be the mom that your children will need for you to be.

continued strength and prayers to you, RR

PS my phone is working again and thanks for letting me know the time in canada, if we happened to miss each other i'll just know you are out taking care of you and your family!
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/26/04 10:04 PM
I am tired. Tired with WH's attitude, and DD's attitude.

Sat after lunch, WH was sleeping for the whole afternoon. WE had planned to go to a small town for a walk, he didn't go with us, instead sleeping. That was very beautiful down with Eraupean style sidewalk cafe on the raod and a lot of flowers, by the end of the town, there is a big lake with lots of water fowls and trails around. The kids had fun. I just felt a little lost without a loved one to share with such beautiful scence. THen by evening, we called back, WH just woke up, we had to pick him up for lunch. He left to the hotel after lunch and have not heard since. But no one missed him anyway.

SUn morning, I took the kids to the church. After church, we went to b-b-q. Kids were swimming. But D was very very fuzzy. She first said that she didn't want to go, then was not happy when we were there. When we came home finally, she was being mean to her brother and cousins. SHe ruined there played city and refused to say sorry. Later, at dinner time, her cousin called her for dinner, she was so mean and said not to bother her. I told her to apologize to cousin. SHe said no, I did nothing wrong and started crying and scream and yelling. She kept saying I hate you. My mom doesn't like me. I was getting really angry. It really upset me.

This morning, I called WH about a credit card bill. I also asked him when he planed to come over next weekend to pick up us. He maybe Sat, maybe SUn. I said why. He said : Didn't you say no place to saty, you have to ask your brother? I was really angry, but didn't say anything. WHy do they have to twist things? I just don't see how I can live with this guy anymore. Maybe DV is the only solution. I just felt down, down, down.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/27/04 01:24 AM
lostnhurt - Wow. Your WH is really stubborn. I don't know what is up with him.

Hope you will keep on keeping on. Try to have fun with your kids, and rest up.

My situation is the same. WH called last night and said he would come over and talk to me tonight about sorting things out. Then today he called me while I was still at work, and said since I wasn't home (he knew I was still at work), that he would be over in a couple of days.

This is all getting very old.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/27/04 08:05 PM
Believer, I miss all of you. I know your story is getting old, mine too. Did your husdand ever discuss the important issues with you?

I really don't want to go back home. I would feel lonely at home. Not only lonely, I iwll feel hurt. But time is coming. I will need a lot pf support when I go back. WH is becoming meaner and meaner now.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/28/04 01:28 AM
lostnhurt -

Sorry no good news here. My WH is deeper and deeper into the fog. I don't trust him at all. He thinks he is moving back into our home in 2 days, still seeing the OW.

He left me another letter today, telling me how it is all my fault. He says that he was going to get rid of OW so many times, but I would not take him back. He blames it all on me.

From the start I have told him that I love him and want our marriage, but OW has to be gone. But she never is gone.

Hope you are doing well, and your kids. Do not give up. I am praying for you and family.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/28/04 03:03 AM
Believer, I am praying for you too.

Today, I was listening to a tape on messages about JOB. It said that our suffering is to glorify GOD. I hope that is the case.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/29/04 02:46 PM
Two more days to go back to US. I feel like I am the person waiting to be executed. I really don't like to go back to reality.

Yesterday, SIL and another friend and me took the kids to a kids place to play, and had lunch, then shopping. Now I realize the fun time is going to be ended soon, I have to go back to the reality. I need help. I feel nervours already.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/29/04 02:53 PM
Now you know that you can have fun without your WH. So start planning fun things to do.

We will all be here for you. We have missed you.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/31/04 05:01 AM
I will post more when I am back to US. THere is not much to say now. I didn't call WH, he didn't call either. I would expect him to be here tomorrow.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/31/04 05:17 AM
hey lost, i know you are dreading having to come back and i wish there was a way you didn't have to but as you said "reality" brings you back.

what tapes on Job have you been listening to? are they the ones i suggested? i have kind of compared myself w/job at times but i guess it's more of a reality check to help me realize that even though my situation is very hurtful, etc. that there are many others out there who have gone through worse or are going through worse. the suffering we go through is like you said to glorify God and his will and plan for us is perfect and what is happening is for a reason, to prepare us for something else.

i'm actually not posting much anymore, even when i just post on a few threads, i still spend more time here than i should because i'm at work. i'm also kind of sad because of so many people here telling people like graycloud to go to plan B so soon, like there is no other choice in the world for him to do. i keep saying that plan B is not for everyone and that the harley's don't recommend plan B for everyone but it seems like my comments fall on deaf ears. you know the thing about it is, it would be easier to walk away and we are being anything but doormats by doing plan A and trying to save our M. so i guess i'm kind of upset a little bit. plan A type behaviors (no LB's, meeting needs, etc.) is for life and i just don't see what's so wrong w/doing plan A despite the way our WS treat us and act.

your story is completely different, you did do plan A (and still do) for a long time but you also had a S who was at home (albeit sometimes) and graycloud is doing a plan A w/out his S in the house and has only been doing it for about 3 months. anyway, i guess in order to prevent me from getting so frustrated over the advice other people give that is different then what i think LOL. i just don't read or post much anymore. but you would think that what i say would at least be validated by the fact that i have counseld w/SH so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

well i gotta go, please let us know when you get back and are safe and sound. it might not be such a bad idea to get your kids to listen to the tapes on Job either, especially your daughter. continued prayers to you, RR
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 07/31/04 01:36 PM
The tape on JOBs is in Chinese, I only listened 4 of the 7 tapes. I need to return it today.

I couldn't get a hold of WH, so I have no idea when he is coming or actually coming or not. But brother said that he will send us back today, they are having a long weekend. SO I don't care what WH's plan is. If he comes, we are gone, that is the best. Why didn't he pick up my phone? He was not home and cell phone was off.

I already anticipated bad things happen when I go back, I am feeling so sad. I need to talk to SH when I go back before I really go to plan B. I have the same mind set like you, plan A longer. SH gave similar advice. Plan B doesn't fit everyone. You need to be very cautious before step into it.


I just feel sad, sad, and sad now. Brother will be in our house tonight, and WH won't be there. So he will find out what situation I am in. I tried to explained to him, he just didn't realize how bad it is.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/02/04 01:44 PM
thinking and praying for you lost, that God would keep you close to him and in his will and that you would do whatever it is needed in your situation, for your H that he would be convicted and his heart would be softened to you , and for the OW if she is still in the picture to be convicted to walk away, so that your marriage/family has a chance to be rebuilt.

i'm going to try and get an appt w/SH for 8/10/04. let us know when you get an appt. i think it's wise to talk to SH at least one more time before you go to the next step. lots of love and hugs, RR
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/03/04 12:49 AM
Well, finally we are home. I missed it, but not missed it. You all know what I mean.

Saturday morning, after seeing a friend and prayed with her, I called Wh again. He finally answered. I told him that brother is driving us home. He said ok and nothing else.

So we left home about 12 noon, and had lunch. Didn't leave town till 2pm. We were having fun by stopping in almost every single service center, kids want to eat, and the kitten were making mess. Then we stopped by an outlet mall for almost 3 hrs. I didn't not expect Wh would be home so I didn't call him at all. By the time near the house, it was almost 10pm. Then we ere thinking what to eat for dinner, and went to a grocery to buy some food. I called home, Wh was there. He didn't asked where we were or anything. I asked him any food at home, he said, I cooked dinner. you can eat. I was very surprised. When we finally arrived home, I found out that the house was tidy up.

Wh asked me where he is going to sleep. I siad if you don't mind you can sleep in my room. He didn't say anything and ended up in my bed!

Sunday morning, when I got up, kids already lay out all the toys on the house. It messed up all his clean-up. Now he knew that how hard I was trying to keep up the house. We went to my parents apartment first for a visit. After that, the kids wanted to go home, SIL wanted to go shopping in a near by mall. But Wh just drove and drove, finally said that he was taking us to an outlet mall. It was anour drive. Kids were whining and were hungry, we were all tired and just wanted a nap. When we got there, he just took us to a restraunt without asking anyone's opinion. SIL said to me, he is a dictator. By the time we finished eating, there were only about 45 minutes left for shopping, we had to drive another hour back home.

On the way home, he asked brother what he was going to do Monday. Borhter said, going home. WH said that I had Monday and Tuesday off. Bother said why. He said that he was going to come to TOronto Sunday, and come back Tuesday. Nobody know what his plan was. I also told him that DD had orthodontics appointment today, how could we come back tomorrow? So today, after brother's family left, he went out shopping for gorcery, and took DD for her appointment. But now he is gone again. He told me that he was out to get a movie, but it was one hour ago. Are we going to play the missing game again? Am I going to go through the same thing again? I don't know. I just want the peace, and this whole ordeal over soon.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/03/04 12:58 AM
Lostnhurt - So glad to hear from you again. Glad you had a nice vacation. My situation is the same, but I am much happier now.

All my days are full. Just had a huge blowup with WH, but it really didn't bother me.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/03/04 01:04 AM
Believer, it is so nice to talk to you agian.

WHat did you do with your WH? Do you have any plan for yourself? How long are you going to hang in?

DD is going to her camp next week which is 4 hrs away. We haven't talked about how to send her there. I have few more week to back to work again. How I wish I am in Toronto now.
Posted By: Cherished Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/03/04 02:06 AM
Lostnhurt,
A friend of mine said, "Don't run interference for his conscience." In the end, he needs to decide. You can pray for him but not much else.

I wish you the best.
Cherished
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/03/04 03:56 PM
WH is still off today. But he is gone. He said he had lunch appointment with someone. But how can someone not seeing his kids in a month having lunch with someone else(OW?) instead of staying with his kids?
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/04/04 12:49 AM
Lostnhurt - Sounds like WH is still in the fog. Mine is too. However, I am doing well now. Mostly I have NC with him. Once in awhile he comes by, but it does not drive me crazy anymore.

How are your kids doing?
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/04/04 02:11 PM
well lost, i think you already know the answer, it's because of the fog. i think you are still just being amazed at how thick it really is.

glad you made it back safe. i'm also glad you still have a few weeks before work starts to get things in order. get an appt w/SH soon, the longer you put it off the longer it will be until you can get an appt.

keep doing plan A until plan B as best you can while at the same time don't let yourself get wrapped up or worried about your H. you have a plan you just need to get these last few ducks in a row. but i think it would be best to do it before you go back to work and that is just around the corner.

continued strength and prayers to you, RR
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/05/04 05:05 AM
Ok, WH came back home at about 4pm yesterday. The first thing he said to me was it took him very long to get oil change in his car. He mentioned to me that he would get an oild change before leaving, but I didn't relize he actually went. It is like hr trid to explain to me why he is gone for so long. I didn't say anything. Then I asked him if he can pick up DD from where she babyset. He did.

Then at the dinner table, we discussed about sending DD to her camp on 8/11. He said that he will take off couple days and drive her there, and asked me to book a hotel room, we all go together. And we will go again to pick her up on 8/22. Now my plan B(if there is any), it will have to be after that. During dinner, he also asked me to pack lunch for him and the atmosphere was a little friendly.

I also mentioned to him that there were lots of phone calls about election yesterday, it was the primary election day. The precint was just in a church by the neighbourhood. I asked him if he wanted to go. He said ok. After dinner, while I was doing dished, he went out to cut the lawn. So I cleaned the garage while he was doing that. I thought he forgot about the voting and planed to go by myself. But he took a shower and asked me if I wanted to take a shower before going to vote. I said that it is getting late, let's go. So we walked there. It's been a year since we last walk together. We always took a walk after dinner in the summer. I really missed that. I felt like go back in time yesterday. We talked casually just like nothing had happened. It just made me feel good, but I also feared that this was a temporary, a clamness before storm.

After we came home, I went to take a shower, but he disapppeared, the cars were in the garage. About an hour later, he came back. He said he was in neighour's house. He complained again. Our home may be the messiest in the neighbourhood, so and so 's house are decorated so neat and nice. I just said, we can do it too. Do you want to hire someone to do it or do it yourself? Do you want to change the furniture or paint the house? He just shut up.

The evening went peaceful and quietly. I made Chinsese desert he liked and watched a litlle bit movie. S and I watched a Chinese movies in my room, DD was watching her Japanese Cartoon she got down in the living room, WH was watching TV in the kitchen. Isn't that funny. Then WH went to the guestroom to sleep. But at 3am, he came over to my room, it was thundering and lightening. He said he just came over to check on me and ended up in my bed. This morning, he left when I was still sleeping. I did not hear from him since.

Now the question is that: what is going on with him? Will he come home tonight? I want to give him few days to see his behavior before talking to SH. I thing SH need that info too before he can give me any advice. But whatever he does, it doesn't bother me as much as before. I am fine. I am learning from Believer.

All my friends out there, I've been praying for you. We will all survive, one way or the other. GOD is helping us.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/04/04 09:50 PM
WH just called and told me he is not coming home for dinner. I just said ok. I am much calmer now. I doesn't bother me that he nevercomes home. I just asked whether he will come home to slepp, he said yes, do you want me to? I said, of course.

Then he said he changed Dr. The new Dr. tested his blood again and found out that he is Hep B carrier and asked me to checked with him Friday. I was concern about the kids. He said the kids are ok, maybe I need to be checked b/c the Hep B was transmitted by sex. I am just bombed. What is going on?
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/05/04 12:44 AM
Lostnhurt - Yikes. It just keeps getting worse! Hepatitis B can be caused by having sex (especially with multiple partners), IV drug use, or being born to a mom that had HepB.

My boys dad was a hepatitis B carrier. We found out when we gave blood together. I went in for tests, and was negative. Our doctor told me not to worry about it.

But the timing of when WH got it is critical. Because there is a certain time when the disease is active, and it can be passed to a sexual partner, through bodily fluids (semen).

There is also a vaccine for it. You need to go to the doctor right away. Your children are probably fine.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/05/04 01:00 AM
I felt very numb now. I wish we are all sick and die.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/05/04 01:57 AM
lostnhurt -

I have been trying to contact you on your cellphone. But so far, no luck.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/05/04 01:01 PM
i guess we will just have to be numb together, i really don't know what to say right now. continued prayers to you, RR
Posted By: Cherished Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/05/04 01:09 PM
Lostnhurt,
"I felt very numb now. I wish we are all sick and die."

Does SH know that is how you feel? I am thinking that he is suggesting you continue in Plan A because that is more likely to result in repair of the M, and you do not seem to be abusive, but you need to take care of yourself and the children. You have personal dignity. Your children are gifts of God for you to care for. Please consider Plan B.

Remember the story in the Gospel about how Christ counseled his disciples to get the sand off their sandals and leave towns where they were rejected? Your H appears to be openly showing complete disregard for you AND HIS CHILDREN, and you are tolerating it. I never went through anything like this. I don't know how you could stand it.
Cherished
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/06/04 01:01 AM
Well, I tried to stay busy, I mean BUSY.

SO I cleaned, scrubed, vacumed, washed, you name it. DD had a BD party at 4pm, so I sent her to the pool, and S went along too. They swam in a freezing water. bUt they had fun. After that, S and I went to Madonald to have our dinner.

Wh came home 12:30 am. He told me he was coming home for dinner, then he called and told me that he is not coming, I don't care. I just wished he get in a big crash and die, then I don't have to deal with him any more.

Now I am going to relax and watch a little bit TV and go to bed, of course, pray before that.
Posted By: Debbra Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/06/04 09:53 AM
Lostnhurt, Ive been following your story for a long time. It seems to me that you are beginning to lose feelings of love for your husband. this is a definate indicator for moving on to Plan B. remmeber that one of the purposes of Plan B is to preserve your love...think about it....
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/06/04 02:30 PM
OW's H called. She filed for DV on 7/7.

I will go to plan B, but need to send DD to camp first. WH came home this morning 6am, and went to work at 8am. What is the point of coming? It didn't bother me anyway.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/06/04 02:32 PM
OW's H called. She filed for DV on 7/7.

I will go to plan B, but need to send DD to camp first. WH came home this morning 6am, and went to work at 8am. What is the point of coming? It didn't bother me anyway.

DD was up whole night, she said she couldn't fall in sleep b/c she watched scary movie on the BD party. She also felt sick with sore throat and caugh, maybe she caught a cold from swimming yesterday. The weather here is like Fall now. There was no summer this year. Because of this, I don't know whether I can go to have my blood tested.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/06/04 03:41 PM
hey lost, well this (ow's file for D) might explain some or your H's additional behavior but regardless you know what to do. get all your ducks in a row, get an appt w/SH and continue to give it all to God, you are capable of more than you ever thought, just look back to how far you've come and i think debbra's right about losing feelings for H and the timing of plan B. keep us posted. i can't type much right now, continued prayers for you always, RR
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/06/04 06:42 PM
lostnhurt -

Well does OW's H finally believe you? Now at least it is out in the open. So you know exactly what you are facing.

Did you go to the doctor yet?
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/06/04 07:24 PM
WH came home to pick me to his Dr. office. There the Dr. explained to us what could had happened. And Wh said he had been a carrier since he was 10(?), but he never knew that it could be transmitted sexually. I can verify that with his parents. Then the Dr. told me not to worried, I would either be not infected and get vacination, or already been infected and was immuned. I don't really understand, but I worried about the kids. Then she said that the kids would not, unless I was a carrier when they were born. WH tried to comfort me and said that let's wait for the result before anything. But I have different dr., I just made the appointment for Monday morning. He kept telling me that it is good for the Dr. to explain to us. I think that he kind of get scared. He said that he forgot to ask whether he can drink under his condition, OW likes to drink. Ah, it gets him.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/06/04 08:21 PM
lostnhurt - Good news! I doubt that you were exposed if WH had it since he was 10. (if WH is being truthful about it). But why wouldn't he have told you before?

Anyway, get tested. My kids dad was a carrier and I never got it, so I think you will be fine too.
Posted By: lordslady Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/07/04 01:42 AM
LNH,

I've sort of been in my own little world and haven't kept up well on the other posts over the last few days.

I just got a chance to catch up on yours. You're doing much better than I would have about the Hepatitus B thing. I would probably have immediately assumed it came from SF from the OW if my WH had it (and that assumption may well have been very wrong).

It's good you are trying to get all the facts.

As for OW filing for D, I think this says a lot. Maybe her H will be able to help, or maybe he'll just allow it to go through.

Has your H said anything about it? Has he been home lately?

I feel for your pain. I know you were doing so well in Toronto and it has to be hard to come back and face the same old thing again (though it did sound like he was doing better, at least initially).

You are strong though, much stronger than you were back early in the year.

LL
Posted By: lordslady Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/07/04 01:44 AM
oops...double post.

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>
Posted By: Cherished Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/07/04 11:48 AM
Lostnhurt,
St. Paul said something like, "It is in weakness that I am made strong." Look at the impact on your health and your children of what is going on. Seeing your weakness and that of your children, maybe you can see Plan B as a necessary form of self-protection and protection for your children.

My heart goes out to you.
Cherished
Posted By: kloe72 Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/07/04 02:20 PM
Lost - I am pregnant right now and when I went for my first doctors appointment they tested me for everything, standard practice. So chances are you were tested when you had your last child. If you go to the same doctor, you may want to ask.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/09/04 02:51 AM
I feel that I have not much to post now, same old stuff, WH coming and gone.

Friday evening, he actually came home for dinner. It happened that evening a friend came over to visit, she thought we were still the same old. I just didn't know what to say. Cousin called to have lunch on Sat. and a friend called to go to an outdoor concert on Sat. evening. I asked him whehter he wanted to go, he said he will see. Then he said we will go to lunch.

On sat. morning, he got up early and just sat in front of the computer again like a statu. I spent my time in the yard. Then we went to lunch, he acted like nothing had happened. Another cousin also came along, she knew alittle bit. She kept saying to WH, look how nice your family is, you got to set a good example to your S. Then she said, you need to leave now, don't you have other place to go? I was so suprized. WH told her on the phone that we will go see the movie at 2pm without telling me. I would have been mad before, but I am numbed now and I don't care. So I went along and watched Around the World in 80 Days. It was a fun movie.

After that DD said she needed more clothes for her camp, we went shopping. But S didn't like it. WH took him to the icecream shop to wait for us. It was almost 5pm when we met together. Then WH told me to call friend about coming to our house to go to the concert together. It was another surprise to me again. He never told me that we were going. SO I called, she said that they were going to buy some food before coming to the house at 6pm, we were going to have a picnic at the concert. I said what? SHe said I told your WH, didn't he tell you? I said no. The 3rd surprise!!

I told him why didn't he let me know? He said, oh, it was nothing, we just all take food over there and eat together. When we came home, he was packing the food, cutting up the water melon and all the things. That was his way to say sorry, he never apologize anything to me.

But anyway, the concert was good, it was Tzyckovski(sp??) Spetecular. S could not sit still during the concert. So WH took him out for walks and bought him pops and chips. If he was not there, I won't be able to listen. We came home at 11pm. I was so tired and went to bed straight. It was a fun day except those surprises(I don't like them). I thought about the pros and cons of having this WH. Pros: he could drive, so I caould sleep, he could take S away while I was shopping and listening concert. Cons: He is not faithful, he did not respect me. I weighted both, there were more cons than pros. It may help me to go closer to Plan B.

It is the same old again, WH disappeared after we went to church and still somewhere out there. I don't care and I don't want him to be here. I have to go to bed early so I can see the Dr. tomorrow at 8am.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/09/04 02:53 AM
I feel that I have not much to post now, same old stuff, WH coming and gone.

Friday evening, he actually came home for dinner. It happened that evening a friend came over to visit, she thought we were still the same old. I just didn't know what to say. Cousin called to have lunch on Sat. and a friend called to go to an outdoor concert on Sat. evening. I asked him whehter he wanted to go, he said he will see. Then he said we will go to lunch.

On sat. morning, he got up early and just sat in front of the computer again like a statu. I spent my time in the yard. Then we went to lunch, he acted like nothing had happened. Another cousin also came along, she knew alittle bit. She kept saying to WH, look how nice your family is, you got to set a good example to your S. Then she said, you need to leave now, don't you have other place to go? I was so suprized. WH told her on the phone that we will go see the movie at 2pm without telling me. I would have been mad before, but I am numbed now and I don't care. So I went along and watched Around the World in 80 Days. It was a fun movie.

After that DD said she needed more clothes for her camp, we went shopping. But S didn't like it. WH took him to the icecream shop to wait for us. It was almost 5pm when we met together. Then WH told me to call friend about coming to our house to go to the concert together. It was another surprise to me again. He never told me that we were going. SO I called, she said that they were going to buy some food before coming to the house at 6pm, we were going to have a picnic at the concert. I said what? SHe said I told your WH, didn't he tell you? I said no. The 3rd surprise!!

I told him why didn't he let me know? He said, oh, it was nothing, we just all take food over there and eat together. When we came home, he was packing the food, cutting up the water melon and all the things. That was his way to say sorry, he never apologize anything to me.

But anyway, the concert was good, it was Tzyckovski(sp??) Spetecular. S could not sit still during the concert. So WH took him out for walks and bought him pops and chips. If he was not there, I won't be able to listen. We came home at 11pm. I was so tired and went to bed straight. It was a fun day except those surprises(I don't like them). I thought about the pros and cons of having this WH. Pros: he could drive, so I caould sleep, he could take S away while I was shopping and listening concert. Cons: He is not faithful, he did not respect me. I weighted both, there were more cons than pros. It may help me to go closer to Plan B.

It is the same old again, WH disappeared after we went to church and still somewhere out there. I don't care and I don't want him to be here. I have to go to bed early so I can see the Dr. tomorrow at 8am.

DD has to pack for her camp and we are leaving Tuesday morning. WH will come along and we will spend a day by the lake, and over night. I will just enjoy whatever I can have now worry things tomorrow later.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/09/04 01:23 PM
Just came back from Dr.'s office. SHe told me that I was immunized. I had a blood work doen in Feb(I don't remember) that I was ok, but she will do it again to reassure me.

WH didn't come home till 1:30am. I didn't see him at all, I don't care. But the kids didn't see him, that is what I feel sad about.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/09/04 01:39 PM
Well that is sure good news. Now we can all relax. At least something has come out good.

I had a great weekend. While I was fishing, my friends came over and decorated my sun-room with an Asian theme. Kind of like the TV show "While You Were Out". I was really surprised.

Things are the same with WH. OW has been staying with her WH at night. I think they are trying to trick me.

Hope your day goes well.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/09/04 01:56 PM
Believer, why are you up so early? I saw you posted everywhere. It is nice to have a friend like your. I hope that your WH will wake up some day, let go of OW. I just don't see any hope in my end now. I will make appt. with SH to talk about next step.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/09/04 02:24 PM
lost, make the call/make the appointment. after you talk to SH then you can put things off. don't put off making the appt, SH' schedule fills up pretty quickly.

i have my next session tomorrow. i'll give SH an update but i think my "plan" needs some readjustment and i definitely need some new material. i'm not out of hope just a lacking a little energy right now but trying not to let that get to me.

continued prayers to you, RR
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/11/04 07:58 PM
thinking of you, do you have your appt w/SH yet? hope so, continued prayers to you, RR
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/12/04 01:39 PM
RR, I had made the appt. w/SH on Tues before leaving. The appt is 11:30 today. Please pray for me.

As you knew, DD had a fine art camp for almost two weeks, it started yesterday. WH came home around 1:30am on Sun(should be monday), then left for work in the morning. He came home at normal time Monday evening having dinner with us, then took garbages out and packed. We left Tuesday morning, with about 2 1/2 hours drive, we were close to the camp which is on the west sied of Michigan by lake Michigan. S wanted to go sand dune, but WH said it was too cold and rainy, we ended up in a Garden with a lots of walk. It was a nice family time, I wish there are more in the future and our family satyed together like that. Then we went to the hotel and swam. THe whole atmosphere was good, we even joked to each other.

But at night, S's nose was stuffed. He kept sniffing, nobody could sleep except DD. Finally at 1am, Wh got up and took S out, he went to a store to buy Benedryl. That only kept S sleeping for about 2 hours. Finally, at 6am, I took S out for breakfast. Everybody was tired.

We dropped DD to her camp at about 10am. There were so many people, the camp was huge. She needed to walk at least 15min one way to have food. Wheather was groomy, wet and cold, temp at 50. We helped her to settle down, had lucn together, and had her audition and left. WH kept saying to give DD money, I said that I alreay deposited the money and she can have it anytime she wanted. He said that what if she didn't know how. But finally we just left. We all felt sort of sad, of course tired. S kept saying he wanted to go to sand dunes, but fell asleep in 5 min.

We came home in the early afternoon. WH stayed home and how he went to work. I just don't know what is going on now. I wish he is coming back, but he stayed out late. When he was home, I felt that we can communicate and the atmoshpere was good. SO what am I going to do? Maybe SH can help me.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/12/04 02:31 PM
will do and the Lord will always be there for you but i know you know that. it's easy for me to tell you that and yet i'm kind of in a slump myself but i know it's true. let us know what SH says, continued prayers to you, RR
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/12/04 03:51 PM
The appt with SH was 11:30am, it is almost noon now, I still can't reach him. There must be a lot of broken hearts SH needs to help.

S is still sleeping, he is making up the sleep for two nights.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/12/04 09:55 PM
Talked to SH today. I updated him the situation including the Hep B and OW filing. He said that it maybe OW has Hep which trigging WH to check. But WH just switched Dr. and she is his co-worker's wife. I don't know who to believe. He thought that I should go to Plan B. I am feeling really down after talking to him. I was feeling so good last two days, now realizing that Plan B maybe my only option makking me feel so bad. Now I am in library taking S out to a game place. How I wish things can turn out ok.

But SH told me that I need to talk to him one more time before actually implementing Plan B. He will be out and won't be back till early Sept. I just feel down and sad, this feeling didn't haunt me for more than a month.

Believer, how are you doing?
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/13/04 12:08 AM
lostnhurt - I'm doing very well. WH keeps saying he wants to go to a mediator to settle financial matters. But then he backs out. I'm done with him. He and OW were asked to leave their place. The owner is a Christian and got tired of their escapades.

So now WH is back living with his daughter, and OW is living with her husband. They are pretending that they don't see each other, but I know they do.

Hope things will get better for you real soon.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/13/04 12:46 PM
so let me see if i understand, SH says that you should go to plan B but wants you to talk to him again before that but he's going to be gone until september? what was SH's advice to do in the mean time?

i'm sorry it wasn't as assuring as it could have been, i did pray for clarity for you and that may still come. remember God answers all the prayers of his children.

just try not to get used to the good times, i know this is hard to hear and hard to do. i can't even say what i would do if i were in the same position. you are doing what you need to do but just step it up a little and not count on anything. still kind of expect the worse, hope for the best. and as always plan A until plan B.

continued prayers to you, RR
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/18/04 09:27 PM
Haven't posted for a while, because I tried not to stay by the computer and stay busy. Since Friday, WH was home everyday until Monday. Monday evening, he came home like 6pm for dinner. THings were like back to normal. Then he acted up again yesterday. I even didn't know when he came home last night, he said he won't come this evening either.

When he was home, he was much better then few months ago, he joked a little bit and rode bike with us, went shopping etc. But now he disappeared again. I felt that he is in a tu-o-war. Just to see which side is stronger. Sister's opinion is to give couple more months. I really don't know what to do. Last night I talked to MIL about his son's liver situation and the Hep B. She told me that he got it when he was 10. But she worried that why he is checked now and the combination of his liver function. I told her that his son constantly disappearing. SHe just was mad and worried. SHe told me to hold on, and to take care of him. I said that I wanted to, but he is not "available".

But I decided to live my life normal no matter WH is here or not. SO S and I rode bike every day for about 6 miles. We made good food. It seems that life is easier without WH and DD. WHat is going on here?

DD's camp will be over Sunday, WH suggested to stay overnight out again when picking up DD. He wanted to stay till Monday.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/19/04 01:32 AM
Lostnhurt - I still believe that you and WH will be back together again. Sorry you have had to go thru all of this hurt. But have hope.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/19/04 09:48 PM
Believer, how are you doing?

I am so thankful to GOD that I feel ok almost eveeryday now. Wh still goes out, but it doesn't bother me much anymore, I am moving on with my life. WH claims he comes home everyday now, but not till 3am in the morning, who cares. I also see that his health maybe in risk now, he looks tired all the time. Last night he came 12am. I want to see how long this can last. The most important thing is that IT DOESN"T BOTHER ME ANYMORE.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/19/04 10:13 PM
Lostnhurt - Good for you! But it might be time for Plan B. Otherwise you might completely lose your love for him.

I'm to the point where I just don't care anymore. My life is much better without WH. I dread when he comes by, because I don't believe a word he says. He could even tell me the truth and I wouldn't believe it.

Hope you are doing good things for yourself. Have you heard anything from OW's husband?
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/19/04 10:36 PM
I don't know about Plan B. I don't see him much anyway, it is like plan B already.

OW's husband said that he did not recieve any paper yet. I don't know how long it will take from filing.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/24/04 01:06 PM
Just came back from picking up D from camp yesterday. Her camp ended Sunday. We went for stat parks and sand dunes after picking her up and spent a night in a very small town. It was fun and tired. Now back to business, how long can this last?

TOday I have to take the kids out to shop for back to scholl items, their school starts tomorrow.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/24/04 01:21 PM
lostnhurt -

When your kids go back to school are you going back to work?

Also does OW's H know if she wants custody of their children? That might be interesting.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/24/04 01:23 PM
i don't know what to suggest to you at this point. i think as long as you are okay w/how you are doing then go w/that. but at least you have a plan B letter to go the minute something changes. let's not forget that the whole business w/your H's health and corralsing might get the best of him and that's what it will take for him to change.

i saw your reply on my other thread and it's so funny because i was going to pull up this thread today and post to you, great minds think alike! continued prayers to you and i'm glad you are in a much better place mentally and emmotionally now than you were a few months ago, RR
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/24/04 01:46 PM
Believer, my school starts after Labor Day. I have no idea what OW wants, if she has the custody of her children, it will be interesting. I hope so. But the children will suffer.

RR, I know that we are sisters, so we think the smae thing smae time.

Last Friday evening, many old friends got together for a party. We didn't get together since WH started his ordeal, maybe all other friends already heard of it and stopped inviting us. It was the first time this year we were together. They probably thought that things were over. Then Sat., he was home whole day, cooking food I liked, lobster. After, son went out movie with his friends, so only two of us stayed together. It felt ok and actually nice.

When we went out last couple days, he was being nice to the kids and me. He actually picked leaves from my hair and made breakfast for me. THe only thing is now, back to business, I have to see what it is like.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/25/04 06:03 PM
Kids are in school now, but DD will be home very soon, she has to see her conselor this eveing.

Yesterday, I took the kids for back to school shopping and didn't come home till 6pm. To my suprise, WH was home when we came back and he cooked. After dinner, he continued his project of changing the front porch light and the garage light he didn't finish Saturday. He was nice to the kids too. Then he sat in front of the computer again. He still didn't come to my room to sleep. But who cares. I have to wait and see what is going on.

Today, I got my test results. I was told that I was infected before(when?) but not active now, but WH seems to be actively infected. I don't understand.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/25/04 06:37 PM
Lostnhurt - Check this article out. It gives a good explanation for you.


What is hepatitis B?
Hepatitis B is a serious public health problem that affects people of all ages in the United States and around the world. In 2001, an estimated 78,000 people contracted hepatitis B virus (HBV) infection in the United States. Hepatitis B is caused by a highly infectious virus that attacks the liver and can lead to severe illness, liver damage, and in some cases, death.

The best way to be protected from hepatitis B is to be vaccinated with hepatitis B vaccine, a vaccine used in the U.S. for more than two decades and proven safe and effective.

Who is at risk for HBV infection?
About 5% of people in the U.S. will get infected with HBV sometime during their lives. If you engage in certain behaviors, your risk may be much higher. You may be at risk if you:

have a job that exposes you to human blood
share a household with someone who has lifelong HBV infection
inject drugs
have sex with a person infected with HBV
have sex with more than one partner during a six-month period
received blood transfusions in the past before excellent blood testing was available (1975)
are a person whose parents were born in Asia, Africa, the Amazon Basin in South America, the Pacific Islands, Eastern Europe, or the Middle East
were born in an area listed above
were adopted from an area listed above
are an Alaska native
have hemophilia
are a patient or worker in an institution for the developmentally disabled
are an inmate of a long-term correctional facility
travel internationally to areas with a high prevalence of hepatitis B
The largest outbreak of hepatitis B in the U.S. occurred in 1942 in military personnel who were given vaccine to protect them from yellow fever. It was unknown at the time that this vaccine contained a human blood component that was contaminated with HBV. The outbreak caused 28,585 cases of hepatitis B with jaundice.

How is HBV spread?
HBV is found in blood and certain body fluids—such as serum, semen, vaginal secretions—of people infected with HBV. HBV is not found in sweat, tears, urine, or respiratory secretions. Contact with even small amounts of infected blood can cause infection.

Hepatitis B virus can be spread by:

unprotected sex
injecting drug use
an infected mother to her child during birth
contact with the blood or open sores of an infected person
human bites
sharing a household with a chronically infected person
sharing items such as razors, toothbrushes, or washcloths
pre-chewing food for babies or sharing chewing gum
using unsterilized needles in ear or body piercing, tattooing, or acupuncture
using the same immunization needle on more than one person
Hepatitis B virus IS NOT spread by:

casual contact like holding hands
eating food prepared by an infected person
kissing or hugging
sharing silverware, plates, or cups
visiting an infected person's home
sneezing or coughing
What are the symptoms of hepatitis B?
Most people who get HBV infection as babies or children don't look or feel sick at all. Similarly, almost half of adults who get infected don't have any symptoms or signs of the disease. If people do have signs or symptoms, they may experience any or all of the following:

loss of appetite
yellowing of skin and eyes (jaundice)
nausea, vomiting
fever
weakness, tiredness, inability to work for weeks or months
abdominal pain and/or joint pain
dark urine
I'm not in a risk group. How did I get HBV infection?
Many people don't know when or how they acquired the infection. When they get the blood test results indicating they've been infected with HBV, they are taken by surprise. Studies have demonstrated that 30—40% of people who acquire HBV infection are unable to identify their own risk factors explaining why they have the disease.

Do people usually recover from HBV infection?
Nearly 95% of adults recover after several months. They clear the infection from their bodies and become immune. This means they won't get infected with HBV again. They are no longer contagious and cannot pass HBV on to others.

Unfortunately, of those who become newly infected with HBV, about 5% of adults and up to 90% of children under age 5 are unable to clear the infection from their bodies; they become chronically infected.

How do I know if I have or have had HBV infection?
The only way to know if you are currently infected with HBV, have recovered, are chronically infected, or are susceptible, is by having blood tests. The three standard blood tests are the following:

HBsAg (hepatitis B surface antigen): when this is "positive" or "reactive," it means the person is currently infected with HBV and is able to pass the infection on to others.

Anti-HBc [or HBc-Ab] (antibody to hepatitis B core antigen): when this is "positive" or "reactive" it may mean the person has had contact with HBV. This is a very complicated test to explain because the "anti-HBc" could possibly be a "false-positive" test result. The interpretation of this positive test usually depends on the results of the other two blood tests. Blood banks routinely run an "anti-HBc," but they do not routinely run an "anti-HBs."

Anti-HBs [or HBs-Ab] (antibody to hepatitis B surface antigen): when this is "positive" or "reactive," it means the person is immune to HBV infection, either from vaccination or from past infection. If the person was previously infected, s/he cannot pass the disease on to others. (To repeat, this test is not routinely done by blood banks.)

Interpretation of the Hepatitis B Blood Test Results

Tests Results Interpretation
HBsAg
anti-HBc
anti-HBs negative
negative
negative susceptible
HBsAg
anti-HBc
anti-HBs negative
negative
positive with >10mIU/mL* immune due to vaccination
HBsAg
anti-HBc
anti-HBs negative
positive
positive immune due to natural infection
HBsAg
anti-HBc
IgM anti-HBc
anti-HBs positive
positive
positive
negative newly infected
HBsAg
anti-HBc
IgM anti-HBc
anti-HBs positive
positive
negative
negative chronically infected
HBsAg
anti-HBc
anti-HBs negative
positive
negative four interpretations possible†

* Postvaccination testing, when it is recommended, should be done 1–2 months after the final dose.
†1. May be recovering from acute HBV infection.
2. May be distantly immune and the test is not sensitive enough to detect a very low level of anti-HBs in serum.
3. May be susceptible with a "false positive" anti-HBc.
4. May be chronically infected and have an undetectable level of HBsAg present in the serum.


What does it mean if my blood bank said I tested positive for hepatitis B and can no longer donate blood?
If the blood bank told you your test was "positive," it is important to find out which test was positive. If the "HBsAg" was positive, this means that you are either chronically infected with HBV or were recently infected. If only the "anti-HBc" was positive, it is most likely that you either had a "false-positive" test or are immune to hepatitis B. It is important that you understand the full meaning of your test results. If you are not sure how to interpret these test results, call your blood bank for an explanation or have the blood bank send the test results to your physician. You may need to provide written permission for the blood bank to release these results to your physician. Your physician may want to repeat the blood tests or perform additional tests such as an "anti-HBs." Bring this information sheet along with you to your doctor visit.

And remember, you cannot contract HBV from donating blood because the equipment used during blood donation is sterile.

CHRONIC HEPATITIS B VIRUS INFECTION

What does it mean to be chronically infected with hepatitis B virus?
People who do not recover from HBV infection are chronically infected, and there are over one million chronically infected people in the United States today. A chronically infected person is someone who has had HBV in her/his blood for more than six months. While approximately 5% of adults who acquire HBV infection become chronically infected, children less than five years of age have a greater risk. The younger the child is at the time of infection, the greater the risk that the child will have a lifelong infection. Many babies born to chronically infected mothers will also become chronically infected with HBV unless the babies are given two shots in the hospital and at least two more during the 6 months after birth to protect them from the infection.

A chronically infected person usually has no signs or symptoms of HBV infection but remains infected for years or for a lifetime and is capable of passing HBV on to others. Sometimes chronically infected people will spontaneously clear the infection from their bodies, but most will not. Although most chronically infected people have no serious problems with hepatitis B and lead normal, healthy lives, some develop liver problems later. Chronically infected people are at significantly higher risk than the general population for liver failure or liver cancer.

How can I take care of myself if I am chronically infected with HBV?
A person with HBV infection should see a physician knowledgeable about the management of liver disease every 6-12 months. The physician will do blood tests to check the health of the liver as well as test for evidence of liver cancer. It is best for chronically infected people to avoid alcohol because alcohol can injure the liver. Additionally, your physician should know about all the medicines you are taking, even over-the-counter drugs, because some medicines can hurt the liver. If there are any liver test abnormalities, consultation with a liver specialist regarding your need for further testing and treatment is important.

If your liver disease has progressed...
If your physician tells you your liver disease has progressed, here are some extra precautions you should take:

Get a yearly influenza vaccination. Patients with severe liver disease (cirrhosis) should also receive pneumococcal vaccine.
Get vaccinated against hepatitis A. Hepatitis A can further damage your liver.
Don't eat raw oysters. They may carry the bacteria Vibrio vulnificus, which can cause serious blood infections in people with liver disease. Approximately 40% of people with this blood infection die.
What can I do to protect others from HBV infection?
People with HBV infection might feel healthy but are still capable of passing the infection on to other people. To protect others from getting HBV infection, it is important to protect them from contact with your infected blood and other infectious body fluids, including semen and vaginal secretions. Sweat, tears, urine, and respiratory secretions do not contain hepatitis B virus. Hepatitis B virus transmission via saliva has only been documented through biting.

Important DOs and DON'Ts for people with chronic HBV infection
DO:

Cover all cuts and open sores with a bandage.
Discard used items such as bandaids and menstrual pads carefully so no one is accidentally exposed to your blood.
Wash your hands well after touching your blood or infectious body fluids.
Clean up blood spills. Then reclean the area with a bleach solution (one part household chlorine bleach to 10 parts water).
Tell your sex partner(s) you have hepatitis B so they can be tested and vaccinated (if not already infected). Partners should be tested after the three doses are completed to be sure the vaccine worked.
Use condoms (rubbers) during sex unless your sex partner has had hepatitis B or has been immunized and has had a blood test demonstrating immunity. (Condoms may also protect you from other sexually transmitted diseases.)
Tell household members to see their doctors for testing and vaccination for hepatitis B.
Tell your doctors that you are chronically infected with HBV.
See your doctor every 6-12 months to check your liver for abnormalities including cancer.
If you are pregnant, tell your doctor that you have HBV infection. It is critical that your baby is started on the hepatitis B shots within a few hours of birth.


DON'T:
Share chewing gum, toothbrushes, razors, washcloths, needles for ear or body piercing, or anything that may have come in contact with your blood or infectious body fluids
Pre-chew food for babies
Share syringes and needles
Donate blood, plasma, body organs, tissue, or sperm


What are the long-term effects of HBV infection?
Each year, approximately 5,000 people in the U.S. die of HBV-related liver failure and another 1,500 die from HBV-related liver cancer. HBV infection is the most common cause of liver cancer worldwide and ranks second only to cigarettes as the world's leading cause of cancer.

Is there a cure for hepatitis B?
As of this writing, there are three FDA-approved medications (interferon, lamivudine, and adefovir) that can help a person who is already infected with HBV. Their use is reserved for people who have certain blood test abnormalities. Be sure to ask your doctor if you are a candidate for treatment or if you might benefit from enrolling in a clinical trial. Researchers continue to seek additional cures for hepatitis B.

Why is hepatitis B so serious in pregnant women?
Pregnant women who are infected with HBV can transmit the disease to their babies. Many of these babies develop lifelong HBV infections, and up to 25% will develop liver failure or liver cancer later in life. All pregnant women should be tested early in pregnancy to determine if they are infected with HBV. If the blood test is positive, the baby should be vaccinated at birth with two shots, one of hepatitis B immune globulin (HBIG) and one of hepatitis B vaccine. The infant will need at least two additional doses of hepatitis B vaccine by 6 months of age.

How can hepatitis B be prevented?
The vaccine can provide protection in 90–95% of healthy young adults. The vaccine can be given safely to infants, children, and adults usually in three doses over an approximate 6-month period. Even pregnant women can be safely given these shots if their risk factors warrant it. Hepatitis B shots are very safe, and side effects are rare. Hepatitis B vaccine is our first vaccine that prevents cancer—liver cancer.

At what age are hepatitis B shots routinely given?
In the U.S., hepatitis B shots are routinely recommended for all children 0–18 years of age. For babies, the first hepatitis B shot is recommended to be given in the hospital at birth. Older children and teens should be vaccinated at the earliest opportunity. Any adult who is at risk for HBV infection should start the vaccine series immediately.

Where can I get hepatitis B shots?
Check with your clinic first. Children's health insurance often covers the cost of this vaccine since it is routinely recommended for all U.S. children. If your child is uninsured, ask your local health department for assistance. For adults, contact your health provider first to find out if the vaccine is covered under your health plan. If you are uninsured, call your local health department for advice.

How many shots are needed?
Usually three shots are needed for the best protection against HBV, but some protection is provided from receiving as little as one dose. The shots are usually given on a schedule of 0, 1, and 6 months, but there is great flexibility in the timing of these injections. As with all other vaccines, if you fall behind on the schedule, you just continue from where you left off. Hepatitis B shots will not help or cure a person who is already infected with the hepatitis B virus.

What should I do if I'm in a risk group?
If you are in a risk group for hepatitis B (risk groups are listed on page 1), get vaccinated! All people in risk groups should protect themselves from HBV infection. Every day you delay getting vaccinated increases your chances of getting this highly contagious liver disease. The problems caused by hepatitis B—liver cancer and liver failure—are too great. See your doctor or visit your health department.

How does hepatitis B differ from hepatitis A and C?
Hepatitis A, B, and C are all viruses that attack and injure the liver, and all can cause similar symptoms. Usually, people get hepatitis A from household or sexual contact with a person who has hepatitis A. Hepatitis C, formerly known as hepatitis non-A non-B, is caused by the hepatitis C virus and is spread in much the same way as HBV. Both hepatitis B and C can cause lifelong liver problems while hepatitis A does not. Vaccines to prevent hepatitis A are now available. There is no vaccine yet for hepatitis C. If you've had hepatitis A or C in the past, it is still possible to get hepatitis B.

Where can I receive more information about hepatitis B?
Contact your local and state health departments for more information. You can also contact the following organizations:

Immunization Action Coalition
Hepatitis B Coalition
(651) 647-9009
www.immunize.org
www.vaccineinformation.org

American Liver Foundation
(800) 465-4837
www.liverfoundation.org

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
(888) 443-7232 Hepatitis Hotline, automated
(800) 232-2522 Immunization Hotline
www.cdc.gov/hepatitis
www.cdc.gov/nip

Hepatitis B Foundation
(215) 489-4900
www.hepb.org

Hepatitis Foundation International
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/25/04 06:40 PM
email me what exactly the doctor or report said and i can try to help interpret but what believer has posted is pretty good.

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/25/04 07:42 PM
Thanks Believer. It is very educational. Now my concern is that when I was infected and are my kids in risk.

RR, I sent an e-mail to you.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/25/04 08:00 PM
Your kids should have been vaccinated for HepB. Check with their doctor.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/30/04 04:00 PM
It is been a record long time for WH to stay home. Since we picked DD back from camp on last Monday, he only went out 1 night(thursday) and came home at about 11pm. All other time, he came home at about 6:30pm like the pre-A and then stayed home, no phome mysterious phone calls and pages in or out. He also spent a lot of time with the kittens, clean them and played with them. I don't know what this is. I don't want to have false hope and be disappointed later. I need to stay alert. Can anyone tell me what to do now?
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/30/04 04:08 PM
well i would say to hire a PI and verify the things that are going on but seeing how this went the last time i don't think that avenue is worth pursuing. IMO i would just take one day at a time, still be on your guard, enjoy the positive behavior, but still have the plan B in your pocket. above all else pray for God to give you guidance and reveal to you what he would have you do especially in light of your H's behavior this past week.

i know you are already praying and doing what you can. i feel like you are in a position where you are prepared either way. you still have a lot of fight left in you. but without truly knowing what's going on in your H's head i don't think you can really expect anything from him.

do you go back to work this week?

as far as your kids and the HBV and the immunizations. yes, they should have been vaccinated when they were born, however, if they were actually born w/some of the HBV then i'm not sure how be vaccinated would help or how things are right now. you need to talk to their doctor and get specific information regarding your kids and the situation.

continued thoughts and prayers, RR
Posted By: lordslady Re: lostnhurt.... - 08/31/04 05:30 AM
LNH,

Good to hear things sound calm right now. Who knows the reason your husband is being "normal", but I agree with RR, continue your current plan but keep Plan B just in case.

Maybe he's figured things out and is ready to be home, or maybe he's testing to see if you are still the same person you were Pre-A. Either way, all the more reason to just keep up the good work.

LL
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 09/01/04 01:21 PM
Well, Wh still came home one time and didn't go out. Monday night at 10pm, he changed and ready to go out. My heart beats so fast. He told me he would get some medicine for the kittens, they had diahrea. It took him an hour to get the medicine. I just keep praying everyday and keep doing what I was doing. Maybe I should talk to SH about what to do.

RR, my classes will start at Sept 7. I have to do some preparation and see students now. Prayers to all of you.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 09/01/04 03:23 PM
lostnhurt -

Sounds good, so keep your hopes up. At least something is changing. Maybe he is coming out of the fog.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: lostnhurt.... - 09/01/04 04:20 PM
Believer, here you are! I would like to go to your party.

I am very scared now for not knowing what is going on. I don't know what to do and what to say to WH. Should I have any discussion with him?

Today, he was exchanging e-mails with some of our old friends discussing winter trips. We always go somewhere during Christmas break. One of the desitination was Orlando. That is where his A got full blown in last Christmas when we went there with OW's family. I really don't want to go there again. I also have to make sure that there is no possibility for another A this time. I feel like living in fear everyday.
Posted By: believer Re: lostnhurt.... - 09/01/04 04:46 PM
Lostnhurt -

Why don't you suggest somewhere that you would like to go? I would tell him you prefer to go somewhere different.

Check out places yourself, and figure out somewhere else. I'm sure you would have many triggers in Orlando.
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 09/02/04 05:40 AM
i agree w/believer, i don't see any reason why you would have to go back if you'd already been there (several times if i remember correctly). you are very good w/finding "deals" so i'm sure you could find something, there are tons of choices out there. but considering the way your H is i wouldn't necessarily dump a whole lot of options on him. just maybe find a couple that you think he would like or consider. it's just another opportunity to negotiate and you have the skills to do it successfully.

something is definitely going on w/your H. maybe good or may be bad. it doesn't seem like he is the type of person who would tell you straight out that he isn't having an A anymore or that he doesn't want a D anymore. he seems like the person who just continues on like nothing happened. but think about it this way, what if you hadn't found MB, implemented changes, nad come to the point where you are, do you honestly think he would have had a change of heart? i don't think so. always do plan A until plan B or D.

keep up the good work, keep us posted, and continued prayers to you, RR
Posted By: roughroad Re: lostnhurt.... - 09/08/04 01:57 PM
always thinking of you, God bless, RR
© Marriage Builders® Forums