believer...need more thoughts on DON'T GO THERE!

Hi believer.

Here is something you wrote in another thread that I wanted to delve a little deeper into but not threadjack.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />But I have started the ncwalker program in my mind, and that is "DON'T GO THERE!".

I was reading this weekend about how the mind likes to go over and over the same old stuff, and really doesn't like to think in new ways. So I have been having a horrible time not thinking and obsessing about WH.<hr /></blockquote>Your posts are always make so much sense and after reading your above quote, I thought you'd do me the favor of giving me your insight. You also mention reading something about the mind goign over and over things...can you tell me where or what you read?

Your statement made me think of something I have been tossing around in my mind for a while and I don't quite get it. Here goes:

The SOW in our sitch is a mom of one of the cub scouts from my son's troop. Of course on Dday, I pulled son out of troop and made H quit his duties with the troop. I felt really bad for S that he had to leave but I knew #1) H COULD NOT be around SOW anymore and #2) I was not strong enough to go to scouts with S and be in her presense 2-3 times a month.

Lately, esp. with school starting up again soon, I have toying with the idea of having S rejoin Troop. I know there are other troops in the area but he wants to be with all of his school friends from this troop.

Now this would mean exposure to SOW and one part of me says WTF are you thinking, fool??? Another part wants to stand up for myself and my S and not let her infringe on my families freedoms. H thinks it would prob not be a good idea for my sake. He is afriad I will fall apart after every meeting - which is one of my fears. It's the fear that everytime I think about it, I say "No way. DONT GO THERE!!!" I swear, they are the exact words I say to myself which is why your quote struck me.

I just cannot understand why I keep going back to this in my head. I am afraid one day I will be totally screwed up and actually sign him up again and then be stuck with the consequences.

Any thoughts?

Fraggles -

The mind going over the same old thing comes from a book I am reading called "Freedom from the Ties That Bind", by Guy Finley.

NC Walker (although he doesn't remember it) gave me the "Don't Go There" idea. It really works. You might have to tell yourself that about a hundred times a day at first, but then your mind starts thinking differently.

With the scout thing, would your WH be in contact with the OW? That would not be good. But reclaiming your territory would be. Why don't you post a thread about scouts and get some input?

believer-

Thanks for your response. I will add that book to my list LOL.

As for scouts and FWH contact with SOW - NO. He will not get involved with the troop again. I just want my son to have the opportunity to enjoy scouts again. I would attend meetings with son and if we participate in family events, we ALL would be there. I am sure she would be at these events, but I will be there too. I was not too involved before because I felt it was a father/son thing and I stepped out of it. I basically do everything else with the kids and thought this would be a good just for dad & son....wish I'd thought differently now.

Is OW married?

No - single, 30 (?), one son, lives with parents.

Yikes. The MB policy is no contact for WH and OW ever, for any reason.

Yeah, yikes...

I keep telling myself it's a bad idea.

Oh, well, seems it's one more casualty of his affair. Too bad the kids are being gyped too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
*sigh*

Thanks for your reply, believer.

Maybe you can do family activities that are similar to scouting. We always took our kids camping, and they have wonderful memories of that.

Dear Fraggles,

I think my Neutral Zone Theory is in place here. Read my post if you like my dear.

OW and OWH were our friends. We did a lot of things together. The A meant losing a friend and social contact that will be hard to replace because OW was also my best friend.

A lot of "fun" is lost to all four of us now because I'm insisting to NC (OWH doesn't know, she will tell him she says.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ). My H and OW would have liked to stay friends (all of us, that is of course!). OW wanted to stay friends with me if possible.. she cares more about me than about my H, she says.. she regrets what she did.. but I have to install a Neutral Zone here.

I would suggest you find other activities (sport perhaps) for your son. You should not be triggered. It should not feel like crossing into hostile territory for you everytime you go to a scouts' thing and OW is there. You need space.. a lot of it.. separating you until you are healed.

Any chance of OW taking HER son out of the scouts' activities? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

believer

Yes, the kids love camping and we are planning a trip in August.

brownhair

Yes, I read your neutral zone post and identified this situation with it!

Son does not like sports but is in music lessons and is going to Art Camp next month. He does have activities.

I know H DOES NOT want to be friends with SOW. He finally realized that he was played like a fool. She preys on married men it seems. When he told her of no contact, all she said was, "Oh great, now I gotta start over." No pleas for him to stay with her, etc. Seems she just wants an EASY MM target - doesn't want to "compete" with wives.

I have no idea whether SOW would pull out of scouts. Maybe in some way I thought us joining again would force her out. But of course I have no idea how she feels i.e. whether she'd be embarrassed, uncomfortable etc. I do not think many pple know in the troop. It would probably backfire on me, she'd stay and like you said, I'd be placing myself in a war zone every other week.

I guess I really need to let it go. I can't figure out why I keep thinking about it and at times am "this close" to calling the Leader and re-joining. I guess it's the defiant side of me that is screaming, "Why do WE have to suffer?? There were no consequences for her and her son!! This is MY turf!!" Feeling like a loser that I feel forced out of something.