can too much plan A have opposite result? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hi,

I'd like to see your opinions on this one.

I've been plan A-ing for some months now. WW is noticing though we live seperately now. I do not act desperate/needy, but she knows I still choose our M and not D (I've told her).

She said she almost cannot imagine that I'm still being nice to her and that our M still means the most to me. She wishes she had the same commitment for our marriage.
Now she's asking herself if she has to stay and work on our marriage just because "I'm the nicest person she has ever been with".

Will this only strenghten her feelings of her not loving me enough? This is what she said: "I admire you more than ever for being so strong (= me taking all this pain and still wanting to work on our marriage). I wish I could have the same determination and commitment as you have for our marriage and I wish I could love you as much as you love me."

I'm scared that being too nice will backfire... That it will only prove to her that she does not love me enough...

D74:

I don't think so if executed correctly. Do not subscribe to the nice guys finish last theory...however, plan A is intended to be temporary..plan B is what makes the real difference. Think of plan A as baiting a hook..you show the WS what they could have if they committed to the marriage, you meet what needs you can...then you snatch it away..leave those needs unmet and leave them with a pleasant taste in their mouth re: you. Then it's out of your hands. Either the fish comes to you, or it swims away. Of course..it is also about protecting your love..and beginning to heal yourself, and other things..but from your wifes perspective..plan B has more to do with leaving her high and dry than anything else.

I'd call the counsel center to get advice on timing though...they will be able to advise with all of the details in mind..and they did invent the system <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> so they have a pretty good handle on how to apply it.

Bump

I agree with Noodle DB. Eventually you are going to have to roll over to Plan B to protect your love. Do you have a feel for where you Love bank balance is?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by shmaley:
 Do you have a feel for where you Love bank balance is? <hr /></blockquote>I'm still figuring that one out. There are moments when I wished she was out of my life, but all it takes is a glance at a picture of her to make that scale tip the other way...
So I guess I still love her... a LOT...

You are winning this one. Keep doing Plan A for awhile longer. The only reason WW does not feel love for you is because she is still "addicted".

Sounds like you are doing a fine job. Now get on with making your life pleasant.

Dutchboy,
When I counseled with Harley (and yes! I am a MB success story!) I was told that Plan A was not intended to do anything other then help end the affair. And he didn’t suggest that I be in it forever. In fact he promised that I wouldn’t have to be! LOL And he never promised me that my WW would love me again! LOL He never even promised me that I would save the marriage! LOL

The misconception is that a person should stay in Plan A for ever if they can and only go to Plan B when they can’t take any more. The trick is to “leave them laughing!” That is, do your Plan A well enough so that your absence will be noticed. So that a favorable comparison can be drawn between living with you in the marriage or being with out you.

So should you continue doing what you’re doing? To be safe, maybe for a while longer. But surely not for months! Give it a few more weeks and if in that time she shows no sign of giving up the affair, Plan A should end. At that point you have to do something else to get her attention.

Coach