Do I beleive him? - Marriage Builders® Forums

This is the second time I post, but I have found it so helpful. I am a BS and my d-day was four months ago. We are in some state of recovery, but it has been so difficult for me. Actually I found out about the A 4 months ago, but 1 month ago I learned that it had been going on for a very long time in our marriage. We've been married almost 12 years and he was seeing her off and on for about 7 yrs. The last 2 yrs. had become more frequent. Since I found out 4 months ago, there has been NC that I know of. My husband is a changed man. We went to a marriage encounter and we have become much closer to God. I was always very religious but he always fought me on it. My question is to you FWS - is there really hope? Can he change? He accounts for all his time, calls when he should, has been more loving, open with communication and such. I've been holding back - and he keeps trying. He has been on his knees crying and begging forgivenss which is something he would have never done in a former life. We have 4 great kids who know nothing of our situation as does none of my family. His mother knows and is supporting my decisions. I love him but am so afraid to show it anymore. He says he loves me, and doesn't want a D. I also feel like testing him, but is that right? I would appreciate any responses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Look at his actions. If he is being open, and accountable for his time, and treats you well, then you know he is sorry.

Usually when they are caught, the WS are cold, uncaring, and blaming.

So it is time for you to also work on your marriage. Forgive him, and move on.

brg,

If he is truly remorseful and there is absolutely NC and he is making you the center of his universe then that is a very good sign.

What "test" are you thinking about?

Forgive him?

I found that I can forgive with my head but forgiving with my heart takes much longer.

Plus trust is a long time coming.
k

I agree - forgiving with my head is so very easy. I tell myself every day - today I will be happy and then, the blues set in. He is trying desperately to make me the center, but i'm scared now. I wanted to email him and pretend it was from her to see if he would tell me. Sounds childish hu? I wish I could close my eyes and have it all disappear, but that doesn't happen. Like I said, I do love him but am finding it hard to appreciate his changes. He has become so wonderful and I keep pushing him away. But how do i appreciate it now?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by brg:
 He has become so wonderful and I keep pushing him away. But how do i appreciate it now? <hr /></blockquote>Please tell him that you find his changes wonderful and explain why you've been holding back. You may have already done so, but just in case. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We wouldn't want him to slip back into anything due to feeling rejected after trying so hard.

I often wonder "IF" I could totatlly forgive my wife for her actions. I hope so, and like you described it would take time.

brg,
FM is right...RADICAL HONESTY.

Always the best policy. Plus is starts the communication going.

k

Hi BRG --

I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but I'm glad you're here.

First, four months is not a very long time. You have suffered a terrible blow. It will take time for you to grieve and let go of the marriage you thought you had all these years. These feelings are normal, although if you're feeling consistently sad, please think about talking to your Dr. about trying an anti-depressant. It can pull you out of hole and help you see the world in a brighter light if that's how you're feeling.

Have you read the materials on this site or the books written by Dr. Harley? If so, I would recommend that you ask your husband to join you re-building a new, happier, stronger marriage. Do the exercises when you feel ready. Consider counseling w/Dr. Steve Harley. It's expensive, but a couple of sessions may put you on the right track. And it's less expensive than divorce.

Obviously, your husband made a terrible mistake and from your post, he sounds sincere. Use this as an opportunity to re-build a brand new marriage if you want to stay married to him.

Don't expect to feel loving toward him for a while. It's been a year since my d-day and I still struggle. It's normal to take two years to recover. You have four beautiful children. I know it's hard to trust again, and he will have to continue to earn your trust every day.

Don't be too hard yourself. Take good care of yourself so you can heal. Stay here. I'm just now feeling like I can post much or have anything to offer, but I offer you my empathy and encouragement. It's difficult, but marriages can be and are recovered and made into better marriages.

Hang in there!
Shellybird

Thanks Shellybird-
Your words really helped. I love my husband very much and I want to make it work. I know that it will take time, just wish i could close my eyes and have it be 5 years from now and he is still trying and being wonderful. With God's grace and prayer I know that whatever happens - I will be able to survive. On the upbeat side - I have lost 22 pounds since this ordeal and looking more like my high school self. It makes ME feel good. H really likes it, but I didn't do it for him.